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FLASHBACK TO 2011: Describing Richard’s narcissism

They Believe What?–The NonVerbal Cues Argument: Alan Eisenberg started his own blog to share his stories of childhood bullying, but it grew into a crusade.

Here, he questions the argument that kids get picked on because they miss nonverbal cues.  While this may have some truth to it–I come across this all the time when researching NVLD–Eisenberg makes a very important observation: This does NOT excuse the bullying:

While there may be truth to the study, to say that the victim has brought on the bullying by their inability to read non-verbal cues is equal in my eyes in saying a woman who is raped should have been able to predict this based on the way they behaved with the rapist.

Part of Tracy’s bullying was–according to what she and Richard said–because I didn’t pick up on her cues to start conversations, and apparently other cues may have been missed as well.  Their response was to excuse her bullying and hound me to pick up on the cues.  Which doesn’t work if you’re missing the cues….

I don’t know how long the long-term effects will last for me.  But I do recognize these traits which have sprung up in me because of the Tracy situation:

lingering feelings of anger and bitterness,

difficulty trusting people (as much as I want to make healthy and lasting friendships),

avoidance of social situations to some extent,

drifting into being a loner again,

wondering if I’m somehow easy to victimize or overly sensitive,

thinking of myself as a worm or a tramp even though I know I’m neither.

It’s just stupid to give into such negative thoughts, especially since I know they’re not true.

I’d like to think that if she knew I felt this way, Tracy would repent, apologize and become a better person, a true friend to me.  But I fear the reverse is true, based on how she reacted when we broke off the friendship abruptly after she verbally abused me.

[Update 4/27/14: I was correct about this, as proven by the stalking and intimidation campaign she started when she found this blog two years ago, and which continues to this day!]

Even a month later, she still blamed the abuse on me and claimed that I should “grow up” and just accept it as a consequence of my own actions.

But I call BS.  If I told her how her bullying and abuse has affected me, she’d probably just sniff and think I was being stupid or childish, that she has nothing to apologize for or repent of.

[Update 4/27/14: Once again, I was correct.  See here.]

This is probably how she feels about her children crying when she abuses them, too.  And this is why she has been booted from my life, why she is blocked from my Facebook profile, no matter what she might think.

It doesn’t help that I have this aspie trait: “Perseveration and the Broken Record.”  For more information on how it applies to me, see here.  [This blog post by Aspie Teacher no longer exists, but I think it may have been moved here.]  Pertinent quote:

I especially have trouble derailing myself when I am having trouble processing something. This can cause me great stress. I can feel that I have gotten stuck in a feedback loop.

My husband has been known to get very irritated with me when this happens. This only makes it worse, because I end up feeling guilty, stupid, and helpless that I can’t do anything to break the feedback loop.

Since receiving my official diagnosis over a year ago, my husband has tried to think of better ways of helping my brain switch gears when it gets stuck. Usually I just need to talk and have him listen without him judging me or trying to solve any problems.

I have come to realize that verbalizing what in in my head helps me process it, but this is not always an easy thing for me. I can’t always find the words to convey what I need to say.

Writing has become my voice. It helps me process the chaos that can develop in my brain. I also have found that what I need is understanding and encouragement. These two actions can do so much for a person.

Another blog post by someone diagnosed with perseveration:

Sometimes it happens when I am trying to diagnose a problem and I keep barking up the same solution.  Other times, it happens  emotionally.

My brain can get stuck on something emotionally and I keep going over it again and again.  Ruminating over past incidents becomes a bit of a tape that gets played over and over again.  I find I can ruminate over unhappy or unfair things a bit excessively. —The Broken Record of Perseveration

The thing is, I don’t think I did anything all that terrible.  I just wanted to spend time with, have fun with, and confide in my BFF (“best friend forever”), just like everybody else does.  I just wanted my BFF to know I cared, same as everybody else does.

I didn’t violate my personal beliefs or principles.  I don’t believe I crossed any boundaries.  (For that matter, someone who abuses others verbally and physically, does not get to lecture me about boundaries.)

So I refuse to let her get the upper hand or cuss me out or make me feel like a whore just because she’s insecure.

Should I put up with her crap just so I can have an active social life?  Of course not!

She’s the kind of person who has, time and again, driven me into isolation from others so I don’t have to deal with them anymore.  It happened in elementary school, middle school, my first job out of college with all the drama llamas who kept taking everything personally and treating work like it was supposed to be social time–and here it is happening again, me feeling the pull back into isolation.

As Klank says, I don’t need no friends like that.

Jeff is so furious with both Richard and Tracy that he feels used and wishes he could get something–vengeance, a pound of flesh, money for damages (broken couch, broken futon) and other money we spent on them (food, utilities, something else later on).

(Though this memoir is not about vengeance.  It’s about expressing what I’ve been through, finding healing and release through my usual manner–words, and helping other abuse victims.)

Jeff hears about–

How Richard kept pushing the boundaries with me [with my NVLD gullibility], and then reassured me that everything was innocently meant and we didn’t have to stop doing it.

How I got treated like a slut for believing him, but then he seemed to conveniently “forget” that he’d been the instigator.

How the lines for what was “okay” for me to do were constantly shifting and I was somehow supposed to know where they were now.

How Richard used to be a dog with women (which neither of us knew about until Richard stayed with us and started telling me these things about himself).

How Richard and Tracy both would push the limits of flirting beyond what we were used to even in the SCA, online and off–then keep moving the lines for what was okay for me to say to Richard, making the lines far tighter for me than they were for Richard and Tracy….

And Jeff doesn’t believe that Richard was acting innocently with me.

Richard says that Tracy trusts him, but Jeff says that’s not true at all, as we saw, or she wouldn’t put those restrictions on him.  And that he himself would not have allowed Richard so much freedom with me if he knew that Richard used to be a dog with women.

I feel like such a fool.  Jeff and I don’t have a problem with friends being attracted to each other, since such things happen when you spend a lot of time with someone and get close to them.

Jeff and I don’t have a problem with the occasional light flirting, but there are certain lines you don’t cross–but Richard crossed them with me and used his persuasive powers to convince me they were perfectly fine.

The whole situation was a freaking mind game which both Richard and Tracy played on me.

Maybe he used that hypnotism he claimed to be able to use.  He never told me what he got me to say using it.  I don’t know if he used it to get me to do or believe anything.

I know that he formerly used it to get girls to dance with him, not just to get me to open up, and that this very same type of hypnotism is used to attract women.

Richard also convinced me that he was a pious man of God, a righteous man who had put his dog days and his violent days behind him–only to begin showing them again.

Saying you’re going to assault the woman who was just doing her job and probably had good reason to evict you, and that you’re going to make it look like you weren’t there…

excusing and defending abuse of your children

excusing and defending abuse of the person who has been your loyal and close friend for five years…

excusing and defending abuse of Todd, who was your loyal and close friend for six years…

then hacking into Todd’s beloved Forum, screwing it up, and letting Todd think that the resident troll did it….

That is no man of God.  That is a Pharisee.  A narcissist.  I never want him to darken my door again.

I also recall, a year or two before Richard moved here, watching online as he went to the forum of a female friend–where he was an administrator or moderator–and posted a message to the posters there.

Considering the nature of the forum, a place to delude yourself into thinking you’re descended from mystical beings who don’t even exist, most of it appeared to be deserved.

But there were also judgments of the characters of the posters which make me wonder how he could possibly know if they were true or not.

The friend was so offended that that friendship, too, ended–the post removed, Richard and Tracy booted from the forum.

She wrote on our Forum something to the effect of, he was the leader and we were the worshipful followers in lockstep doing whatever he wants.  (I don’t remember the exact wording, but that was the gist of it.)

It basically sounded like she was accusing him of being like a narcissistic cult leader.

Todd also complained that he didn’t get a fair hearing during his falling-out with Tracy, because everybody listened to Richard.

So you see history repeating itself with Richard, again and again–and more support for the idea of narcissism.  My husband, too, sees him as narcissistic, refusing to see other points of view, not just during our falling-out but in politics and other things.

This would frustrate me to no end whenever Richard told me what I should be doing–food, taste in movies, sexual preferences, religious ideas regarding pews and ecumenism and such, the troubles with Tracy–and I’d try to explain my point of view.

Or when he’d tell me I was wrong about NVLD without really listening to why I believe I have it.

Or when he’d tell me kids should be screamed at and I should “let” my husband get mad or cuss more.  But I feel kids should be nurtured not tortured, that my husband should treat me with kindness and respect, and by the way, Jeff would rather get mad and cuss less, not more!

Richard seemed to think I was keeping my husband from watching “The Passion of the Christ” because of my aversion to gore and violence, and that he had convinced Jeff that it was a good movie to watch.

When in reality, Jeff has no desire to see it, for the same reason I don’t want to see it, and it has nothing to do with me keeping him under my thumb.  (I bet Jeff did a lot of nodding and “uh-huh”‘ing during that conversation, but didn’t actually say he agreed.)

Richard seems to have lots of ideas about what other people are thinking and feeling, but that doesn’t make him right.

The author has noticed how girls with Asperger’s Syndrome seem more able to follow social actions by delayed imitation. They observe the other children and copy them, but their actions are not as well timed and spontaneous. —Tony Attwood Answers Some Common Questions About Asperger’s Syndrome

The above certainly applies to me, since I kept copying what Richard did as a guide to what was okay for me to do, but then got treated like some kind of slut for it.

The trouble with so many articles about abuse and personality disorders is that they focus on romance.  So if you’re dealing with another kind of relationship involving abuse–such as friendship, colleagues or family members–you have to ignore the parts about dating and sex, and adapt it in your head to your own kind of relationship.

But so much of this sounds familiar (adapting the parts about romance to platonic friendships), that I wonder if what I thought was a close, meaningful friendship, was really Richard’s means of seeking attention, narcissistic supply.

If what I thought was philia and emotional openness was actually manipulation and using:

Telling me things were okay that weren’t.

Trying to get me to open up to nonsexual touching I wasn’t used to.

Telling me it’s prudish to wear a robe over my nightgown when he’s around. 

Telling me that Jeff and I are prudish.

Telling me the horror stories behind the Democrats and Progressives and how they’ve ruined his home state.

Molding me, shall we even say grooming me through charm, testing boundaries, making me feel special, instructing me–until the drama at home became too much, and he began to devalue and discard me.

If he noted my trusting nature and lack of social intuition, and exploited it.  Nyssa is a sweet, innocent and nice person, and I’m slowly corrupting her. (He said that to somebody online.  What did that mean??)

I’ll remember his claims of hypnotizing me to get me to open up.  Of course, as usual, I don’t want to think these things about him, but keep getting this nagging feeling, given what I know about him, and things Jeff, also, has noted about him.

I’ll remember his bragging about past women, about how he used lies and deceit to get women, about his sexual prowess, about women chasing him even now.  I wasn’t sure if he was lamenting or bragging that his exes would sit around talking with each other about how evil he is.

I’ll read articles about abusers, narcissists and borderlines (such as Sam Vaknin’s extensive archive), thinking of Tracy when I start–then begin thinking, “Hey wait a minute, that sounds like Richard–and that–and that.”

Apparently, it’s common for narcissists to end up with borderlines.  One guy on the Forum, married to a borderline, was familiar with such a pairing from his research, and expressed compassion for Richard and Tracy’s children.

I’ll also hear people talk about Richard’s “heart” being so big–but remember that I, too, thought the same thing while he had me under his illusions.

There were many times when Richard could seem like a great person to talk to, but so many times when he seemed not to care about my needs or concerns, contrasted to what it’s like to deal with my other friends.

In the beginning Richard loved chatting with me, in person or on the phone or on the Net, but later on it would often be hard to tell if he wanted to talk to me or not.

You’ll have Richard getting short and suddenly disappearing from Facebook chat, for no reason you can think of–but then another friend (Mike) saying, “Oh, I’m so glad you’re here!” and chatting with you for an hour.

It makes you wonder if maybe the friends who live far away from you and you rarely see, are still far better friends than this one you see every couple of weeks.

 

Table of Contents 

1. Introduction

2. We share a house 

3. Tracy’s abuse turns on me 

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children 

5. My frustrations mount 

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

 
8. The Incident

9. The fallout; a second chance?

10. Grief 

11. Struggle to regain normalcy

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13. Conclusion 

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing

 

Reblog: Meet and Greet: 8/20/16

Hope I’m doing this right: I haven’t done this before.  😉

Reblogged from Dream Big Dream Often:

Dream-Big

It’s the Meet and Greet weekend!!

Ok so here are the rules:

  1. Leave a link to your page or post in the comments of this post.
  2. Reblog this post.  It helps you, it helps me, it helps everyone!
  3. Edit your reblog post and add tags.
  4. Feel free to leave your link multiple times!  It is okay to update your link for more exposure every day if you want.  It is up to you!

  5. Share this post on social media.  Many of my non-blogger friends love that I put the Meet n Greet on Facebook and Twitter because they find new blogs to follow.

Now that all the rules have been clearly explained get out there and Meet and Greet your tails off!

See ya on Monday!!

View original post here.

 

My gosh, now my site is running like a dream!

A week of aggravation and banging my head against a wall, and now it’s running beautifully.

And doesn’t it look awesome with the WordPress 2016 theme?  I don’t know why I didn’t upgrade earlier: It fixed the issues I had with the last one–namely, the lack of color in the links, and putting the sidebar on the left instead of the right!  (Come on, we’re English-based, and read from left to right.  The sidebar belongs on the right because it’s less important and needs to be read last!)  It’s also even more mobile-ready than the last one, even puts the sidebar at the bottom instead of putting it into an icon people never click on.

It was that danged firewall in the WordFence security plugin, something they added to WordFence in the past several months.  It doesn’t play well with my site, though the rest of the plugin works fine.

I replaced the core WordPress files with brand-new ones from the new version 4.6, and re-installed WordFence with brand-new files as well, but then forgot to switch off the danged firewall, which automatically goes into “Learning Mode.”  And then by morning, the danged firewall was screwing it all up again.

Danged firewall.

But I re-installed WordFence and then immediately clicked off the danged firewall this time.

Maybe I’ll keep this site after all.

 

About pondering moving from self-hosted to Blogger: Next Morning

Okay, now I wake up and see a site which appears to be running fluidly again.  Maybe I did finally figure out the problem.

But it took a week to do it, a week of not much else getting done.  No reading.  No studying.  No researching.  Very little daydreaming about my novel.

And yeah, I have family obligations to tend to.

Anyway, last night I went over to my old Blogger site and started adding some pages, to see how well that works.  I have to do it one-by-one because while it’s easy to export from Blogger to WordPress, Blogger doesn’t play well with WordPress imports.  You have to go through another site to convert your WordPress database, which I tried a while back, only to find that it didn’t work on my stuff for some reason.  And you can only export it ONE MB at a time.  That’s not much for a site like mine.

Still, Blogger would be my best option: I can indeed put my pages as well as posts over there, and they let you customize.  WordPress.com won’t let you use Javascript (so no Analytics or more than a mostly-useless Statcounter, unless you pay $$), won’t let you post affiliate links (so no Project Wonderful ads), and then says, “All your content R belongs to US.”  I’m not entirely sure if I could post links to my books on Lulu, though maybe.

However, because of the trouble importing, and the size of my site, and the huge number of internal links and anchors (those things which allow you to jump farther down in a page) which have to be converted, and the stripping of all my paragraph breaks, it would take considerable time and energy to move my site back.

If this website is now working again, then I will probably leave it alone, at least for now.  But leave this open as a future option.  I can give this self-hosted deal ONE MORE CHANCE.

But I tell ya, they don’t tell you when you do this, about all the long hours non-techies spend trying to troubleshoot their websites.  It’s not as easy as they make it sound.  Sure you can figure out things like FTP, which isn’t really that hard.  (It only seems intimidating till you get the hang of it.)  But when your plugins start acting up, or somebody hacks you, the trouble really begins.

Some googling last night brought up a bunch of blog posts from other people who have made the switch BACK to Blogger from self-hosted, or comments complaining of the long hours spent troubleshooting and maintaining.  I also found a post which recommends non-techies think again before doing this.  But most of the results switched my Google search terms around to going FROM Blogger TO self-hosted.  Because who would want to do that?  [facepalm]

Well, here you go, another blog post warning non-techies to think again.  Unless you’re willing to spend extra $$ to a webhost who manages the site for you, such as WPEngine, which looks like it would be perfect for me–IF I had $30/month, which I don’t.  Or you can pay somebody to manage the site for you.  Or if you’re setting up a business website or a forum or some other such thing that needs more versatility than Blogger or WordPress.com can give you.  If you want a page with order forms, shopping carts, etc., you’re better off self-hosted.

But just a simple website like mine, where the only “selling” directs people to third-party websites who do the orders/money managing for me, I could easily have stayed on Blogger.

So let this be one little blog post, in a Web full of posts extolling the virtues of self-hosting, which tells the truth to non-techies.

If you just want a personal blog/website showcasing your writing, which I have here, and don’t want to spend long hours troubleshooting plugin malfunctions instead of creating,

If you aren’t particularly technical, or maybe you’re good with computers but a page full of code and techie language makes your eyes bug out,

Then think long and hard about self-hosting.  You may be perfectly happy with Blogger or one of the other platforms.

 

Pondering moving back to Blogger

After the big crash nearly 3 months ago, I thought I had this site purring along like a kitten.

Then the past weekend came along and I discovered old problems returning.

After spending days and days tinkering with this website and trying to get it to work properly on both the front end and backend, I’m about ready to give up and go back to my old Blogger blog.  I can easily set up redirects and let my hosting plan run out, so that’s no problem.

My site looks great here, and I have so many options–but that does me no good when I spend more time troubleshooting than working on the content itself.  I have some tech knowledge, but a lot of that code makes my eyes bug out.

They tell you, go self-hosted!  It’s best, and you’ll never regret it!  Well, I don’t know about that, when I’m spending hours upon hours trying everything, following every bit of advice I can find on the Web, and still get a goofy site that loads up white screens or stripped-HTML every other pageload.

These site problems have also caused my hits–usually 200+ a day–to TANK.

Even if it is the server and not me, good luck finding it out.  This host used to be good at helping me out, but lately all I get is, “We don’t do anything with that, so you have to sort it out yourself.”  Or they can take weeks to respond to a ticket.

My church website has tech support.  I have trouble, they sort it out.  Three years and that site has given me very few headaches.  It’s also free.

I have trouble here, I sort it out.  Maybe.  I have spent countless hours troubleshooting this site over 3 years.

I didn’t have this problem with Blogger.  I had a blog there for years and did very little to it other than posting/editing content.  It didn’t go down, didn’t take 20 seconds to load for unknown reasons, and unlike WordPress.com, they let you use Javascript and tinker with the template code.  So I could set up my own redirects or track stats just the same as I do now.  I couldn’t block people, but these days I don’t care about that so much.  I didn’t have to worry about hackers, either.

I have a novel I want to work on.  I have a family, a house to take care of–and, I’m now told, I have emergency family obligations to attend to because of my dad’s declining health.  I don’t want to spend days, my head aching, my arms aching, worrying about my site and why it won’t work no matter what the frick I do to it, and meanwhile barely see my family or enjoy my usual pasttimes.

Screw this.  I’m going to start tinkering with my old blog, writing up code to redirect to it, and see if I can make this big site look good back there again.

I’m a writer, not a computer geek.  Sometimes I think, Would I be good at coding/tech support/IT?  Or am I just better at it than the other people in my family/church?  I look at coding and all the stuff the professionals do, and think, no, code just makes my eyes bleed.  I get along with techies, with computer geeks, but I’m a writer.  I want to spend my days taking care of family stuff and nights on studying/researching/writing.  I want to write posts, not code.

Keep that in mind whenever you read the sites that say, Go self-hosted!  You’ll love it!–Maybe you will, maybe you won’t.

Oh, yeah, and it costs a lot of money.  I never had to pay for hosting with Blogger.  Apparently my host is one of the cheap ones, too, and managed hosting (where somebody else fixes it for you, like my church website) costs even more.

 

Improving….

Ever since I blocked the Unnamed Blogger (UB) last night, I’ve been getting steadily better.  I still suffer from physical effects of last week’s anxiety, but I can concentrate better on other things now.  I could swear this past week has been a blur; it feels like Tuesday was yesterday.  It’s been a blur of fear and anxiety.

As I told my husband, it feels just like when my narc abusers found my blog and threatened me, all over again.  The constant fear and dread of what will happen next, every move you make being watched.  But since I blocked UB, UB has made no attempt to come back in through other means.  So far.

Just knowing someone else can affect me like this, tells me UB is definitely a narcissist, turned into one by all that hatred of narcissists.  Yet another reason not to let hate of the narc consume you.

I hope that will be the end of it now.  I have so much on my plate: my dad’s health declining, house repairs, a cat who probably has cancer but we can’t afford the CAT scan to be sure ($1000!), church fundraiser, primary election, plus all the registration etc. for a child going back to school soon.

I don’t have time or space in my head for a new stalker.

It actually makes me feel a weird sort of fondness for my own pet stalkers, since at least they turned into just a little buzzing in the background.  They’ve been well-behaved for years now.  😉

 

I think I’m doing a bit better.

I blocked a reader who I’m pretty sure was UB (from this post).  After four years of keeping an eye on the sometimes-funny antics of my pet stalkers on this blog (they have changed their IPs and devices many times), I feel I’ve developed a good instinct about identifying stalkers.

This person comes from UB’s region, and has shown a big interest in my blog this past week.  This person has also come on many times over the past couple of months.  If I misidentified this person, I hope they’ll understand, since they have read about the person who threatened me.

I wonder if UB would have a conniption fit if UB knew I printed up some of UB’s posts back in around 2012 or 2013, since I wanted to take my time and read them closely.  I then filed them with other articles I’ve printed and/or clipped about abuse.  Maybe UB would tell me to burn the printouts.  And what about the Wayback Machine?  Will UB threaten the Wayback Machine next?  Especially since the Wayback Machine takes donations, so you know, maybe that’s “profiting” from UB’s blog.

I haven’t seen any more furious e-mails, though, or some of the same behavior in the stats that caused me alarm before the e-mail came.  I am upset that such an e-mail was ever forwarded to me in the first place; it should never have come to me.

I am closed-off to comments and contact information on this website for a reason.  And that reason is there are stalkers on the Net, not just my pet stalkers but the faceless psychopaths who lurk looking for victims, or the mentally disordered people who take offense at the slightest reason.

And yet my safeguards were breached.

By a stalker.

I’m really not happy about that.

I hope that the threat from this stalker will now diminish, leaving me to deal with real-life issues.  I will need strength to deal with them, not a panic-ridden body.  My dad’s illness is most distressing, plus we have other things going on.

And now I want to watch a movie.

 

What a sucky week….bad news

Along with being traumatized and now stalked by another blogger who, out of the blue, chose me as this blogger’s latest target, I just got some bad news about my dad.

Along with my cat dying of cancer but not sick enough to put her down, so it drags on.

And having to make repairs to the house without knowing where the money will come from.

And now I get bad news about my dad.

ENOUGH!

 

Beware: Sometimes even the narcissist bloggers are themselves narcissists

Take special care which bloggers you follow on the Net.

Unnamed Blogger (UB) rails against narc behaviors, but I see UB use them as well.  I often felt nervous on UB’s blog, afraid to say the wrong thing, because UB goes off on commenters all the time if something seems even slightly narcissistic to UB.  Especially if you’re still traumatized, this can traumatize you all over again.  My comments often were not posted, despite being positive and affirming of UB’s posts and UB’s experiences.  I began trying less and less when I saw how others got treated for saying the “wrong” thing.

UB posts things–naming names–about other bloggers and researchers and the like, which sound very slanderous, making false accusations.  I do not dispute UB’s own experiences, and it may very well be that UB tells the truth about narcissistic behaviors, but I found such posts about other bloggers/researchers to be very disturbing.  I often could not understand why UB made such accusations.

UB found a very narcissistic, abusive way to attack me Tuesday, out of the blue, while making no attempt whatsoever to resolve things peacefully first.  I had never said one unkind word against or to UB, and had in fact been very supportive.

UB’s attack was frightening and slanderous.  The measures used were overblown and litigious.  The attack was intimidating, a favorite narc tactic.  It made me feel like a frickin’ criminal, and was humiliating.

It is the sort of thing corporations and people like Trump do to silence people who can’t possibly afford to fight back.

Threatening someone for quoting something in her online diary which she found helpful in her journey of recovery, is a good way to throw her back into her traumatized state of 4 years ago.  But I have worked hard to get out of that state, so hopefully I won’t stay terrorized for long by UB.

As far as I’m concerned, if you really care about helping people, then you won’t threaten them with lawyers for liking your stuff and telling friends to read it.  That just strikes me as being more concerned for your own self than the people you claim to want to help.  It also shoots you in the foot, because word-of-mouth (i.e., reblogs and the like) is how your site builds readers.

And why the threats?  Because, three years ago, I quoted a tiny portion of UB’s blog, with full attributes to UB and links to UB’s blog.  As always, I obeyed Fair Use, which states that you can legally copy small portions of a work for the purposes of review, critique, satire, research, that sort of thing, as long as you cite the source.  We need this to keep the marketplace of ideas going, or else our free speech will be stifled.  I did it to promote UB’s blog, or to show my abusers (who were reading) that I wasn’t crazy, or to cite the sources for things I wrote.

I fully set off quotes as quotes.  I never copy an entire post or page, but brief portions of it.  WordPress also automatically pings the sites I link to, which leaves traces for the site owner that they have been linked.  And Internet practice among blogs is to cite author and link; I do this.

I love it when somebody links me.  This leads to a spike in hits, and helps my Google ranking.  I’m doing to others what I want them to do to me.

Heck, I shouldn’t even HAVE to defend myself or explain myself, because I did nothing wrong or illegal.  Pretty much every blog I’ve ever read does the same thing now and then.  Including UB’s.

Not only that, but for ELEVEN YEARS, this website has been full of various attributed quotes found in the course of my research into such diverse topics as religion, abuse, marriage, narcissism, literature, movies–taken everywhere from other blogs to church websites to Wikipedia to experts–and this is the one and only time I’ve received a message like this.

Because, well, Fair Use.  UB must’ve found some shady ambulance-chaser.

I was accused of owning a business and profiting from this.  I own no business: I am a hobbyist blogger and writer.  I receive no profits related to UB’s blog in any way, shape or form.  This is an online DIARY, NOT a business.  But UB made no attempt whatsoever to find this out, just set an attack in motion and terrorized me.  Treated me like some kind of content scraper for making a note in my online DIARY.

My online diary of recovery from abuse, I might add.  What I use for therapy.

My therapy was under attack.

What I used to heal from various abusive relationships, was threatened with scary language and lawyers.  Let that sink in and see how egregious it is for someone to do this.

Imagine you have poured your heart, fears, worst abusive incidents, including things which could be considered rape, into a blog for years.  And then someone comes along and sends scary lawyers to threaten you for it, sends you into panic-mode for days.

This is what happened, from someone who claims to be here to help narc abuse victims.

From UB’s past comments, UB’s blog gets more hits in a day than mine gets in a week, or maybe longer.  So this is a big blogger beating up a little one.

UB’s accusations and attacks were slanderous, libelous, insulting.

UB’s attack also ignores that UB has, in the past, posted things about others which could have caused those people to sue for libel.  All I did was cite my sources, a practice which I had mentioned a couple of times to UB, without UB ever telling me to stop.  I did not defame UB; I had only positive things to say.  In fact, it was BECAUSE OF UB that I examined every single link on my site a couple of years ago to make sure it included the author.  This is because UB stated that quotes from UB’s site should include authors and not just links.

This attack has caused me a great deal of anxiety and reminds me of attacks from my own narc abusers.  My physical, emotional and mental responses have been exactly like when my real-life narc abusers attacked me.

For days, my mind and body have been on high-alert, panic mode.  My body is weakened.  I am afraid of more attacks.  I can barely manage to keep up with my household responsibilities; my research has stopped; my studies have stopped.  I jump every time the phone rings, and dread checking my e-mail and snail mail.

And now I have learned that my father has taken ill; I have quite enough to deal with, without someone on the Net stalking me.

I have discovered the history of UB’s visits to my own blog, and see that UB had been looking at it for months–but without making any attempt to find out who I really am.  There was no concern shown for my stories of trauma and abuse.  UB did nothing but go on the warpath.

I see UB continuing to visit my blog regularly now, showing that I have picked up another stalker.  I have blocked UB and hope that will end it.

UB has attacked other bloggers as well just for linking to UB’s posts, and carried out smear campaigns against them, another narc tactic.

I wonder if UB would have a conniption fit if UB knew I printed up some of UB’s posts back in around 2012 or 2013.  Maybe UB would tell me to burn the printouts.  And what about the Wayback Machine?  Will UB threaten the Wayback Machine next?

In my opinion, UB has a very black-and-white, negative viewpoint which causes UB to accuse far too many people of narcissism, and keeps UB “stuck.”  UB has created a hierarchy of narc abuse victims, which excludes anyone who has not experienced UB’s select kind of abuse.  Each kind of abuse from each kind of narc relationship has its own traumas which differ from others.  All kinds of abuse also have similarities.  They should not be turned into some kind of cliquish separatism.

I have seen comments by UB and friends which actually sound like they look down on people who have not experienced their particular kind of narc abuse.  As if only one kind of abuse victim deserves to be called a victim.  It ignores all the different ways people can be sucked into abuse, without showing lack of the victim’s character.

It makes light of the real trauma experienced by all kinds of abuse victims–and re-traumatizes victims of other kinds of abuse by making them think it’s somehow their own “fault.”  You know, just like the abusers told them.  When they’d hoped to find a support system on UB’s blog, people who don’t judge them.

UB appears to hate anyone who tries to move on from negativity and hatred of abusers.  But each person needs to decide his or her own path to healing.

UB has a group of friends who gang up on targets, using very narcissistic, bullying behaviors, just like the narcissists which UB rails against.  This kind of behavior has caused abuse victims to be re-traumatized.

Beware of such behavior, claiming to support victims, but instead terrorizing and alienating them.  I have read the testimonies of people who have relapsed because of UB and friends.  I will no longer associate with that group.

I also have to reconsider everything they taught me about narcissists and dealing with them.

I will not identify this blogger, nor the blog, nor will I give any other identifying information.  So as far as the public knows, it could be anybody.  But do keep an eye out for behaviors like this as you wander the Net looking for support groups after abuse.  An inhospitable environment, full of landmines and litigious site owners, is no place to find healing, but rather further trauma.

 

 

Just Finished Slaughterhouse Five

My first exposure to it was in college: My freshman year, my boyfriend Peter and I took a Winterim class (one month) called Science Fiction for the Fun of It.  Along with reading a book of short stories, every class period, we watched a movie.  One of them was Slaughterhouse Five.

Over the years, I completely forgot what was in the movie or what it was about.  I forgot there was such a city as Dresden.

I may have learned about the firebombing in school, since I see references to the raids on German cities in my old German and History textbooks.  I do remember learning something about the bombing in German class, and feeling appalled at the destruction of historic architecture.

But I don’t remember hearing about how many civilians died in these bombings.  Maybe I thought they had evacuated; I don’t remember.  I may have learned something about it in school, but it’s been more than 20 years since I graduated college (argh), so I forgot about it.

Fast-forward to 2015: While researching my novel about a Nazi time-traveler, I stumbled across some webpages which I thought were Wikipedia, but were actually some neo-Nazi site, and learned about the bombings, including Dresden.

Cross-referencing through various other sources has proven that while the site may have given me some faulty or one-sided info about the war, it is correct about the bombings.  Of course, it doesn’t give the other side, how the Germans bombed European cities and ravaged civilians deemed “subhuman,” such as Jews, Russians, Poles, gypsies, homosexuals, etc. etc.  But yes, the bombings really did happen.

In the course of my research, I discovered that Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut is about the bombing of Dresden.  So I bought the book with birthday money and, these past couple of weeks, read it.  It’s such an easy read, and so short, that it only took two weeks.

Kurt Vonnegut not only hid in a meat locker with other prisoners during the bombing of Dresden, but had to help clean up the carnage afterwards.  Before the bombing, the beautiful city looked like Oz to him.  He saw the people there, with their translucent skin from having nothing to eat for years but potatoes, just trying to get here and there, go to work and home again.

He became a pacifist.  It took him more than 20 years to finally write about the experience, despite wanting to for so long.  He tried to find information for research, but they told him it was still secret.  Vonnegut writes that the government kept the extent of the Dresden bombing secret from the American public for many years, afraid of the backlash.

Because yes, there were many who would object to the bombing of civilians.  Even back then, before the 60s and the peace movement.  Even though today I find–in the comment section of Youtube videos and blogs–people complaining about modern generations who aren’t willing to recognize what had to be done to win the war.

Really?  Must we–in order to fight an enemy, no matter how evil–do the same things the enemy does?  Because that’s what Nazi Germany did: firebombed cities.

Must we look on an entire city–whichever city–as full of evil people, just as evil as their government?  Especially in a totalitarian, fascist government which suppresses all opposition?

There was no organized, wide-scale movement against the government in Germany, because everyone who tried was killed or severely punished.  But I keep finding accounts and interviews of people who lived during that time; they keep saying, “My father was against the government, but he had to keep it very quiet or they’d take him away.”

Especially in 1945 when the war was clearly lost, and refugees fled the bombings of other cities and the advance of the Russians, how many of those people honestly still supported the government?  How many just wanted the war to end and sanity to regain control of the country?

But the Allied bombings didn’t just kill civilians of the Axis countries.  According to For You the War is Over by David A. Foy, the relentless bombings of civilians put the Allied POWs in Germany in serious danger, especially after Dresden: The POWs could sometimes be victims in air attacks on cities or trains.  Germans began calling the airmen “Luftgangsters,” believing they were deliberately chosen from the American mob to inflict death on women and children.

In the latter part of the war, any airman who was shot down over Germany was actually safer in the hands of enemy soldiers than of the civilians.  Civilians were in such a frenzy of anger and revenge that our boys could get lynched.  Angry guards in POW camps could become trigger-happy after their families were bombed.

And Hitler made things more difficult for POWs, so attempted escapes were more likely to lead to death instead of a stint in the cooler.  Only Eva’s influence kept Hitler from ordering the deaths of all Allied air force POWs after Dresden.  According to one POW, Stalag Luft I was very nearly wiped out in retaliation for an attack on a refugee train.  The POW claimed that SS troops were sent to do this, but the Kommandant’s troops surrounded them and refused to let them do it.

I see a lot of extreme thinking about these bombings: One side ignores the atrocities of the Nazis, even explains them away or says the Holocaust is a hoax.  They say there’s an Illuminati; they say Hitler and the Nazis were just misunderstood.  They say the Jews really are a problem and that xenophobia is not a sin.  They say the Allied leaders were war criminals.

The other side says the bombings were absolutely necessary.  They scold the people who say we shouldn’t have done this.  They say there was no other way to win the war.

But maybe there’s a middle way: recognize that while we had to beat the Nazis, that doesn’t mean our side was always correct in its actions.  We do the same in looking at American history with various groups, such as Native Americans and black slaves, recognizing when our government committed crimes against them; why not with World War II?

Yes, the governments we were fighting were evil, but that doesn’t mean all the people were.  And it doesn’t mean our leaders were saints who could do no wrong.  We can celebrate our leaders for winning the war, but realize that they were still human beings with faults, not gods.

And remember, going forward, that we can change how we do things.  Vonnegut taught his sons to never rejoice over a massacre of their enemies, and to not participate in one, or even work for a company which makes massacre machinery.

He also wrote that it’s our babies who are sent to fight these wars.  These kids are 18, 19, 20, and getting sent off to kill or be killed.  Even his criminally insane character Lazzaro considers the bombing of German cities, and says that back home he never killed anyone who didn’t have it coming.

After decades of trying but failing to write his book on Dresden, Vonnegut finally settled on something that worked: science fiction/satire.  In the midst of a silly story about a guy coming “unstuck in time,” captured by aliens and put in a zoo, and mated with a porn star, is a profound story about the evils of war.  Apparently this was the only way Vonnegut could truly deal with the trauma.  And he does it brilliantly.

 

Trump is lawsuit-happy–common narcissist/abuser trait

Just read an article in the paper (though, of course, the online version is much longer) called Trump and the “I’ll Sue You” Effect.  It goes into Trump’s history of making threats to sue for defamation, few of which have actually gone anywhere.  While some people have been intimidated into backing down, some have not.

It’s yet more proof that Trump is just a thin-skinned, big bully, dishing it out but not able to take it himself.  He’ll call people losers and rip on their looks and their personal habits like a schoolyard bully, but if you fight back with comments about him being a bully etc., he goes into a conniption fit.

In fact, I’ve known people like this.  I’ve even gotten a threat of a lawsuit, but I refused to back down, and it never materialized.  As Bill Maher said about Trump,

“Plainly, the guy uses lawsuits as a tool of intimidation and doesn’t care how much he clogs the courts with nonsense.”

The article goes on to state:

“Donald Trump has repeatedly attempted to silence his critics over the years through frivolous lawsuits,” said Mascagni, citing Makaeff’s winning claim as one example. “If you really examine some of these cases, it becomes pretty obvious that Trump didn’t file these suits to seek justice. Rather, he filed them to intimidate, harass and silence his critics.”

This is a common tactic used by abusers and narcissists.  I’ve seen all sorts of abuse bloggers claim to have been threatened with lawsuits or even sued.

As for Trump as president–Are you ready for World War III–but with us as the aggressor this time?

Not that Hillary is much better.  Recent revelations have even liberal Democrats getting upset and saying, “Hillary lied!”  I have a little hope that, because of this, she’ll drop out and let Bernie take over.

Otherwise, get ready for President Johnson.  Or President Stein.  This race may actually make a third-party president conceivable.