A few thoughts on Trump getting the nomination

There isn’t much to be said that the late-night comedians (Stephen Colbert, Trevor Noah, Larry Wilmore) haven’t already said.  It’s ridiculous, ludicrous, and frightening.

But I’m not sure what concerns the Republican establishment more:

1) that a narcissistic, sociopathic, entitled buffoon who wants to put his name on everything and bang his daughter (thanks Trevor Noah), and could send us into nuclear WWIII with the entire world (even our allies) through his quick insults, is their nominee,

2) that he has said things which make many of us–even the ones who recognize that labeling everything “Hitler” or “Nazi” is a weak argument–think of Hitler and the Nazis,

3) that he’s most likely going to lose in a landslide to Hillary Clinton, leading to another four years of a Democratic president (a great thing, yeah, but they’d hate it because they want to dismantle all the good things Obama accomplished, like the AHC Act),

4) or that he’s thumbing his nose at much of the Republican platform.  It was really weird recently to realize that Clown Prince Trump is more moderate than, say, Cruz, whose very name makes me }}}shudder{{{ .

It was amusing watching the clips on TV of how my birth state received Cruz }}}shudder{{{ .  No, I don’t believe Indiana has the Wisconsin reputation for being uber-nice, which is probably where my acerbic sense of humor came from, even though I have to keep it in check around the hubby.

Every election cycle, I hope for the best candidates to be put up so that even if the other guy wins–which is usually the case–I won’t feel like the city/state/country is going to go down in flames.  The GOP had some decent candidates, many of which I would’ve greatly preferred, such as Kasich.  Instead, it’s turning out to be Trump vs. Hillary, even though Bernie is still fighting on (Go Bernie!  Feel the Bern!).

Yeah, I know Bernie’s policies could put us hugely in debt, but remember, President is NOT King.  We have a huge Congress to keep the President in check (which is why Obama has, sadly, been unable to do much of what he’s wanted to do, especially closing the notorious Guantanamo).  Also, character matters a great deal, which is why so many of us don’t want Trump–and, by the way, why so many don’t want Hillary.  At least Bernie has character.

On the one hand, seeing Trump clinch the nomination isn’t so terrible when I realize that the Democrats are now almost certain to win the Presidency in November, so there’s little chance of him becoming the President anyway.

Except–Well, that’s what people said about him becoming the nominee.  :{  :O  Better read up on how they used to escape from WWII POW camps, because we might need some escape ideas when they start rounding up the Muslims for concentration camps.  😛



Which one will eat fewer of your children?



The payoff of sharing my abusers’ sociopathic e-mail: Part 2 of my “Stalked” series has been pinned

Statcounter constantly reveals interest in various sections of my “Now I’m Being Stalked” series from 2012.

In this series, which was originally one long post, now split into 7 parts starting here, I described how Richard and Tracy had begun stalking me, and posted the sociopathic e-mail they sent me.

Then in 2014, I re-visited the e-mail with Running my abusers’ e-mail through the narc decoder.

The latest numbers, gathered about a month ago, showed that this series had received 528 views.

In Part 2 and “Running,” I tore apart the sociopathic e-mail by showing the truth behind my stalkers’ ludicrous, lying words.

And these posts are being read.  “Running” has received 33 hits just in the last month.  The various parts of “Stalked” have received 43 total in the last month.

Recently, Part 2 and “Running” have been getting more attention.  Someone in Canada has read “Running” 13 times over the past few days.  And now Part 2 has been pinned:

Gratitude Girl has pinned my post, just before 6am this morning her time, onto the Psych/Narcissism/Sociopathy/Abuse/Codependency board on Pinterest.  (She also pinned Breaking the Power of Narcissists.)

She runs the board; it has 407 followers.  Here’s hoping this pin helps the post go viral, just as a post to a Facebook group last spring made this post go viral: Wasted Years Mourning a Narcissist: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves and Thriving

[Update 4/4/15: And now somebody read “Stalked” (whole page) and “Running,” and subscribed to my blog.  🙂  )

My blog just contains diary posts, not the “expert” advice of life coaches or psychiatrists.  These detail my struggles and the lessons I learn from them.

Yet so many people are connecting with various posts, whether on narcissism or abuse, that I continually see yet another Facebook share in Statcounter, or a reblog.

It felt so risky to post on these subjects–especially when my two recent abusers discovered them and began stalking me for it.  It felt risky to continue posting even as they watched my blog every week–sometimes more often–to intimidate me into silence.

I didn’t know if they were laughing, if they were looking for a reason to sue, or what they wanted.

It was risky, intimidating, frightening, foolhardy.

But I did it anyway, to prove to myself that I wasn’t just some weak-willed, easily-dominated target of bullies.

And over time, my blog has grown.  My site currently averages 148 views a day and is maybe two months away from 100,000 views.  Others have found comfort and lessons in my posts.  Comments are often turned off, but I see it in repeat visitors, likes, printing my posts, subscriptions, and online shares.

It is particularly comforting to see this in the past week, right after I revised the formatting for the “Stalked” posts and sticky-posted a few of them on my front page for a bit.  Part 2 includes the sociopathic e-mail.

It is comforting to see others read Part 2 or “Running,” because they, too, see this e-mail for themselves.  They then read my response, and find something of value in it for their own struggles with abusers.  I see people click on the link that prints the post.

Just as it was comforting to share that e-mail with the members of the Forum, and know they understand and believe me.  And now, in the past month, new members of the Forum have gone through the 3-year-old threads, read the e-mail and empathized with me, then asked me if things were resolved, and if Richard was properly punished, because child abuse is disgusting.

Just writing these blog posts, and including the sociopathic e-mail from my abusers, was emotionally taxing, because the e-mail meant to rip me apart.

It made me practically catatonic when it first came in.  I was appalled and devastated to discover just how evil both Richard and Tracy truly are, to send such an e-mail and to even plan to stalk me at church!  To call themselves Christians, and then behave in such a manner–!!!!

The e-mail is so horrid (and proves me correct even while objecting to making Tracy out to be a “horrible person”) that I could not even open the original “Stalked” post again for two years.

The same as other e-mails sent by Tracy back in July and August 2010, which I kept as evidence, but have not even peeked at in five years.

Tracy’s style of writing would be familiar to many of you: the kind that tears you apart and makes you afraid to even open an e-mail from your abuser.

(Obviously, Tracy does not feel this way when reading my blog, since she reads here so often.)

When I read Oscar Wilde’s account of Bosie’s telegrams and letters in De Profundis, I realized that Bosie and his father were male Tracys.

Bosie and his father both had a raging dysfunction which Wilde said ran in the family, so it must have been some sort of Cluster B personality disorder.

From what I know of Tracy, abuse, narcissism, borderline personality disorder, and Bosie’s family, writing such horrid letters appears to be a common trait among abusers.

There is absolutely no concern for nor respect for the recipient, but rather a desire to make him or her feel smaller than a dust mite, to make her feel like the slime on the wall of a sewer pipe.

And it makes no difference whether the recipient did anything to deserve this: No, all that matters to the abuser is that the abuser THINKS he did.  Wilde would get such letters and telegrams from Bosie without rhyme nor reason to it.

So it was emotionally risky to open those posts again in order to revise them.  But I did it anyway.

It is wonderful and healing to see that my pain in doing this, is helping others to heal.

It was worthwhile not only to share those blog posts and the e-mail, but to keep them up.  Sometimes it takes a while, but others find them and use them to glean their own lessons.  They find validation for their own struggles.  They find a way to no longer care when their own abusers send them e-mails like mine sent me.

Then, sometimes, they share with others.

It’s all part of raising awareness and helping to heal abuse victims.

[Update 4/5/15:]  Also, the more I see people subscribing to my blog and connecting with the posts that skewer my abusers’ sociopathic e-mail to me, the less and less power that sociopathic e-mail retains over me.  I realize that my abusers have not been back at my church for two and a half years.

I realize that I feel mostly content these days, because I’m busy at church and Writer’s Club, and people in both places call me Friend.  This helps remove any residual emotional attachment to Richard.

My abusers do not have the ability to sue, no legal leg to stand on, so their e-mail had only an emotional power to hurt me.  Once I remove the emotional power, all their power to hurt me is gone.



FLASHBACK TO 2010: Pondering forgiveness vs. giving in to the dark vortex

The letter to Mike continued:

I pray every night, trying to remember the prayer my priest gave me.  Of course, the prayer he gave was so long and detailed that I can’t possibly remember it all, so I go with the main ideas.

It’s a prayer for softening of hearts, forgiveness, peace, blessing.  I can only hope that my former friend’s priest has given him a similar prayer, that one day he will realize that fierce anger, the belittling his wife did of me, and refusing to apologize or listen to another’s point of view are the wrong things to do if you want to preserve a friendship.

Just before I spoke to my priest–it was more than a couple of weeks ago, now–I sent an apology e-mail.  I hope and pray it actually got to its destination and was read, because I couldn’t think of a better mode to use.

Calling seemed dangerous because SHE might answer and rip me a new one.  If I sent a letter, the wife would probably rip it up without even letting him read it.

But the e-mail was sent; it’s out there….Unfortunately, the only response I got was to get blocked on Facebook.  Looks like Jeff and I are both blocked.

It’s weird because the wife has not blocked either one of us.  I would’ve thought it would be the other way around.  Jeff says he doesn’t want to even try to figure them out.

He also says they weren’t good friends, to do what they did.  That they weren’t grateful, since we’ve done so many things to help them out the past few years.

He says we do have other friends, good friends, NICE people, and shouldn’t think we’re so desperate for friends that we’d keep bad ones–It’s just hard to get together with them these days.

My little boy is very sad because my former friend has four young children who loved to play with him.  He’s lost friends because the adults couldn’t get along, and it just isn’t fair to him.

It makes me wish I could change things for his sake, but there’s nothing I can do–other than become the sacrificial lamb who must submit to verbal abuse to satisfy the wife’s long-held grudge.

A year ago I was told that she kept calling me “that woman” and bringing up a mistake I made way back when we were all living together.  She just didn’t let go.  I thought we settled this a year ago.

In the interest of burying hatchets, I decided to Facebook friend the pastor of our old Evangelical church, even though we had problems there that made us resentful.

And Jeff, evaluating his own behavior compared to the wife’s, decided to give a certain SCA person a second chance.  He realized that just because their personalities clashed, doesn’t mean this SCA person was a bad guy.

I also think back to old exes.  I had bitter estrangements from Peter and Phil, lots of hurt feelings and anger, and also from Shawn, who was not exactly an ex but not exactly not an ex. (Friend with benefits, you could say.)

And yet–Two years later, Peter called me out of the blue and befriended me again.  Then he “warned” Phil about me, which put me on the outs with him again, but we became friends again later on.

In 1996 we had an e-mail argument over religion, but a year or so later, I apologized and we reconciled.  I forget who befriended whom on Facebook, but a couple of months ago he chatted with me online–his idea.  The old bitter past is long in the past.

Same for Phil: I still don’t want to be friends with him, but we’re no longer enemies.  A while back I found him on one of the alumni websites, and apologized for some stuff.  He apologized as well.

And get this–He said that he shouldn’t have let me go.  He was going through a divorce at the time, and thinking of me.

Even his mom said I was the one girlfriend he should’ve held onto.

Of course, I let him know I was happily married, so he wouldn’t try to start anything again.  That was more than 3 years ago, and I haven’t e-mailed more than once since then. But the bitterness is over.

Shawn started calling me again, a couple of years after he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me.  He had a breakdown which made him want to hold onto the friends he had.  He called once or twice after graduation as well, and we also e-mailed each other about 6 years ago.

There are also people who teased me in elementary/middle/high school but were friendly at the 10-year reunion, and also those who friended me on Facebook and apologized for teasing me.  So I do know that time can heal even bitter estrangements and make people reflect on what they did to contribute to the situation.

I’ve already sent my apology to help things along, so I’ve done my part. I can do nothing more except pray and try to move on.  Everybody says that’s all I can do, that the ball is in their court now.

Our conversation continued into the weekend, and I spoke of needing to confess to my priest on Sunday.

I spoke of Richard and Tracy sniping at each other.  I said that I vented on Facebook because I wanted to counteract whatever our mutual friends might be hearing from Richard/Tracy or seeing on their Facebook walls.  But I felt guilty, and removed the posts.

Mike had his own struggles with forgiveness of toxic people, so I wrote, “You tell me to forgive and let go, I can tell you to forgive and let go, but actually doing it is a huge struggle.  We can help each other keep from giving into the dark vortex.”

On Saturday night, July 31, I saw Boondock Saints for the first time.  This movie becomes significant later.


Table of Contents 

1. Introduction

2. We share a house 

3. Tracy’s abuse turns on me 

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children 

5. My frustrations mount 

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

8. The Incident

9. The fallout; a second chance?

10. Grief 

11. Struggle to regain normalcy

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13. Conclusion 

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing


Response to Lauren Shifflett’s story of sexual trauma by church leader

I came across the following post through a WordPress plugin which brings up supposedly similar blog posts to link to in your own posts:

Now We Are Free by Lauren Shifflett

She writes of her sexual abuse and harassment by a youth leader in her church, but prefaces this with how she was bullied as a kid.  I saw similarities with my own experiences, but her comments are turned off (probably because people get mean), so I’m writing this blog response instead.

She, like me, was rejected as a girlfriend, but was a target of sexual harassment by her male peers.  This put all sorts of negative opinions of herself into her head.  She

couldn’t understand why ninety percent of boys found me repulsive and the remaining ten percent felt this strange need to expose themselves to me in some sexual way.

Same thing with me.  My first memory of sexual harassment was from Kindergarten.  I loved to wear dresses.  Every day I wore a dress, preferred them to pants.  Then one day on the way home from school, a couple of boys, smaller than I was, cornered me and kept lifting up my skirt and laughing.

My mother never understood why, all of a sudden, I insisted on wearing pants instead of dresses, because I never told her.

There was the guy who pulled up next to me as I walked to school, and opened the passenger door for me to get in, but I was too smart for him and walked on.

There was the middle-aged man who kept wanting to hug me at church.  It may have been perfectly innocent, but I didn’t know him and it made me feel weird, so I didn’t like him.  I didn’t trust him at all.  I don’t recall him doing this to other girls, just me.

In elementary and junior high, I got a lot of bullying in general because I was different from the other kids.  I couldn’t figure out what it was about me that set them off, because to myself I seemed normal.

No matter what I did in public, I began to feel very awkward about it.  For example, I preferred to always carry something or have my hands in my pockets as I walked, because just walking made me self-conscious.

In junior high, once some kid put a sign on my back during a fire drill.  I never knew what it said because I finally knocked it off, having felt it go on.  But everyone around me was laughing–even my teacher!

The teacher, who struck me as being a classic stereotypical nerd complete with pocket protector, should have known better, but he laughed anyway.

My freshman year in high school, I was also sexually harassed by three guys, two of them together.

One of them kept making sexual comments to me at lunch, and once even put his penis on the table next to me.  I refused to look, but know he did it, because of the reactions of the guys around him.

I couldn’t stand the school’s chicken sandwiches after that because that’s what I was eating at the time, so it reminded me of it.

Now I know that I could’ve switched tables to get away from them, but at the time I felt trapped into sitting at that one table because that’s where I sat at the beginning of the year.  I didn’t realize that I could sit at a different table with other kids.

I’m not sure why I felt that I had to sit at that table, but it could have been an NVLD thing: “You can’t change the pattern you’ve already set!”

After lunch we would all stand by the door and wait for the bell; I can remember this guy doing or saying something while we stood in line, so much that I crouched down as if to protect myself.  But I just don’t remember what exactly he was doing.

The two other guys, who sat at the table behind mine in Biology class second semester, would spend the class period making sexual comments to me.  Once, one spoke so loudly to me during the lecture that the teacher stopped and scolded them.

I don’t know why I didn’t tell the teachers what was happening; a friend told me to do so about the lunch period bully, but something kept me quiet.  In fact, in general I was a passive recipient of bullying.  I just didn’t fight back.

Meanwhile, my Photography teacher made at least one such comment as well.  (I don’t know why all this happened the same year.)

All first semester he’d been harassing me for being a Christian and having conservative values, even though I don’t recall saying a whole lot about them in class or much of anything, really, unless spoken to.

Other kids in Photography class joined in on the religious harassment, including a witch who told me her coven killed my cat (all I said was he went missing on Halloween and never came back), and one day started yelling at me that maybe God is the liar and the Devil is telling the truth–until a Jewish girl told her to quit it and leave me alone.

Then one day, during a work period, the teacher was sitting on a stool at a large table when I had to get around an obstruction of some type.  I don’t remember the details now, what the obstruction was, or anything.  But I didn’t want to go behind him to get around, because there wasn’t enough room and I’d run into his butt.

Rather than leave me alone like any decent man would do, he ridiculed me and told me to go behind him.

I don’t know why on earth I did this like an idiot–probably because I had grown up with the mindset that you do whatever a teacher tells you–but I started going the other way to go behind him, like an obedient student.

He started humming or moaning, and a girl said to me with wide eyes, “Better not do that.”

The following semester, I ditched that class and switched to a class on life skills.  He was a major reason why, both from this and from his religious harassment.

(We learned about such things as teen pregnancy, whether you should marry the teen father, domestic abuse, and watched movies about tough lives like one about teen runaways and The Burning Bed.)

That year or the next, a letter to the editor of the school newspaper complained about an unnamed teacher who would sexually harass students.  I always wondered if the girl who “rescued” me was the writer and if she meant my Photography teacher.  (I must have forgotten her name already.)

All these things happened freshman year, and that year I began to get an ulcer from the stress.  After every lunch period, my stomach was in a lot of pain.

My junior year, I developed headaches from TMJ in my jaw, another stress-related condition, even though the freshman year bullies had either graduated or were no longer in my classes.

Meanwhile, freshman year I had a couple of guys want to date me, but my mom wouldn’t let me until I turned 16.  After that, nobody seemed interested.  I now know that one guy was in love with me senior year, but never worked up the courage to say so, so I had no clue.  Even when I thought for sure a guy liked me, he’d insist that he didn’t.  Or date another girl.  But I was a target for harassment.

In college, a similar problem arose.  Outright sexual harassment didn’t happen so much, but once again, few guys wanted to date me, but even Christian ones preferred to use my body.  One claimed to love me, but turned out to be an abusive narcissist who sexually abused and kept trying to assault me because I did not want to do anal or oral sex.

The one who used me, ripped me apart constantly, then criticized me for being too “negative” and reserved.  How could I feel more confident and open when he kept essentially telling me I was unloveable?

And yes, you internalize this.  I felt much as Lauren did.  I didn’t have a boyfriend at 15 like she did, so there was no sexual activity back then, but I do know how this makes you feel like you’re just a weirdo who no one will actually love, and ugly.  My mom got upset with me for not thinking I was pretty, but how could I think so when this is how I got treated?  I felt ugly.

This is part of the reason why Richard found me so malleable, when he started paying all sorts of attention to me, calling me constantly right before he moved into my house, and then, while here, spending all his time with me.

He basically groomed me, through all this love-bombing and slowly but steadily making me think that his in-secret physical affection was appropriate for friends.  (None of it sexual, but it was way too much.)  When I got concerned about what he was doing, thought we had started an affair, and felt like absolute sh** over it, he said, no, no, no, this was all perfectly innocent FRIENDly behavior.

Then a few of his friends sexually harassed me in an IRC chatroom.  Just yet more of what I’d experienced in high school, only now online.  The whole story is here, too long for this post.  They began making comments about my genitals, totally unprovoked by me, and while Richard saw it all.  His wife even came online and talked about inviting these guys to their house!

But later on, when I asked Richard to not talk about the harassers around me because I was still traumatized by what they did, he said I was being “ridiculous” and that he thought I realized that online “isn’t real.”

I thought he was safe.  He planned to become an Orthodox priest, and had actually been a Foursquare preacher in his youth.  He manipulated my emotions and tore me apart, over a period of a few years.  He eventually even admitted to having hypnotized me without my knowing it.  He said it was to make me open up to him; I have often wondered if it was also to make me more open to his grooming.

Because he was convicted of choking one of his children, he can no longer become a priest, but I fear him still becoming a psychologist.  I hope the conviction will prevent that as well.  Todd says that Richard used his supposed superior knowledge of psychology to bully him; Richard did a similar thing to me.

I believe that Richard is a narcissist who zeroed in quickly on my vulnerability.  I had been married for years, so the lack of a boyfriend was a long-gone problem.  But I still felt the insecurities of those growing-up years, and was incredibly lonely for friendship.

(This is one major reason why I don’t want this man in my church or anywhere even touching my life.  I fear my own vulnerability, along with knowing that he is also capable of physical violence, having served probation for choking his kid.  He was once a mob thug, and has even threatened violence to my husband.  He is able to con people into thinking he’s a pious man with a big heart, so they end up doing his dirty work, as I did some of his when he screwed over his friend Todd.  I also don’t want his wife in my church, because she’s just as bad: She can pretend to be a decent person, but is extremely abusive, emotionally, verbally and physically–and when you recognize it, she smears you, as she did to Todd.  Both she and Richard have also mocked and tried to intimidate me, and have demonstrated stalker tendencies.)

Richard zeroed in, just as the youth leader, Luke, zeroed in on Lauren’s vulnerability.  Luke began an affair with Lauren, and when she tried to end it, began stalking her.  Then she suffered because of the lax response of her church, some apparently taking his side over hers, as her sister describes here.  She does not feel safe at that church anymore.

Just as I feel not at all safe when I think of Richard and his wife just casually showing up at my church again, as they’ve done from time to time, or even becoming part of it now that their church has merged with mine.

Church needs to be a safe place.


3 Reblogs on narcissist traits

All three of these posts, which I recently read, have been helpful because they explain some things that my most recent bullies did, which puzzled me:

First, two blogs just posted on Grace for My Heart:


One of the most common ways for the narcissist to control the world is to be protective about his/her stuff.  I use the word “stuff” to describe just about anything you want to put in its place.  Whatever the narcissist decides belongs to him.  His house, his workspace, his chair, his car, his sports equipment, his seat at church, his parking spot, his computer, his camera, and on and on and on.  You recognize this territoriality when he makes it clear that no one should ever touch his stuff.

I saw this in both of my recent bullies: Richard, yelling and screaming at my husband and me for things like trying to move stuff off the table so we can start a game, or wiping a little honey off the table before setting my books down on it.  Yet he and his wife kept that place in such horrific conditions that it was not just dirty, but unsanitary, the kind of place that makes you ill.  So they didn’t keep it up, but nobody else was allowed to touch it, either–not even to clean a little honey off the table.

Then there was also Tracy, who was so territorial about her husband that she made everybody–male AND female–follow strict, extremely controlling rules if they wanted to be friends with him.

It fits, yet another piece of the narcissist puzzle.

The second blog by Grace, posted yesterday:

Personal Space:

At the same time, most of these narcissists (not all) are very generous with their own touching. They will put their hands on someone’s shoulders to give a phony back rub. They will put their arms around someone’s shoulders. They will shake hands and hold on too long. They will hug people of the opposite gender when it might seem unnecessary. Some are even willing to risk harassment charges with their touch.

…And we can also see why the narcissist would want to touch others. If touch is a way of controlling, breaking through personal barriers or boundaries, then the narcissist must at least try. Putting his arm around the young lady is a way to see if she will be receptive to his influence. Putting his hands on a co-worker’s shoulders is a way of exerting his superiority. Stepping in or sitting too close might be a way of threatening. Whenever others are uncomfortable, the narcissist sees an opportunity.

This explains Richard: breaking through my reserved boundaries, getting me used to the idea of opposite-sex friends being affectionate, not sexually but still in a manner I was not used to.  This post explains that this is about control, seeing how much influence a narc can have over a person.  And yeah, he did manipulate me quite a bit.  Nowadays, I know people who are affectionate like him, but IN FRONT of significant others, not secretly.  And everybody laughs and knows it’s harmless.  Not like Richard did it.  I get upset with myself at times, remembering how gullible I was with him.

Then this one by Lucky Otter:

5 weird things you may see a narcissist do:

In fact, their personal hygiene and grooming is sometimes downright disgusting. It’s almost as if they think they’re too smart to be bothered with trying to look decent….But some cerebral narcissists live in squalor, wallowing in their filthy surroundings like a pig wallowing in mud.

So that’s what that was: yet another aspect of narcissism. 😛

My abusive ex was this way as well, refusing to shower for weeks on end, rarely brushing his teeth.

These posts explain a lot, that no, it’s not unique to my experiences, but common.  All are worth checking out.


Okay, maybe not finished with 1st draft yet: Getting into narc’s head

Regarding an earlier post, Finished with the first draft of my novel about obsession: I guess it’s nowhere near finished after all.

After doing some more research, more ideas have popped into my head of what to do with the book.  The ideas keep going back and forth, and I had to rewrite an entire section because research declared it totally implausible.

And because I had to rewrite that, I have to include more scenes developing a relationship between two characters which now has been altered, so they haven’t spent as much time together as they did before.

But now I’m also adding a second Point Of View character: the narc himself.  The thought of getting into his head is exhilarating, but I need to do much more research into his social class and how it related to the rise/fall of Naziism.  I have a book sitting beside my laptop which promises to explain it all.

There’s another thing: While writing the story, I found myself falling for him, just as the protagonist does.  Which is what you want, an appealing villain who captures the imagination of readers.  But he’s become less of a villain and more someone convinced he’s doing the right thing, even as he manipulates the protagonist.  Because my reading into narcissism shows a spectrum of narcissism, not just the malignant ones who enjoy screwing with you, but the ones who do it because they think they’re in the right.

And then over time, he starts to repent, because he’s not so far gone that he can’t.  The repentant villain seems to be a popular theme lately, at least in Once Upon a Time, and pops up occasionally in fiction, so I can go that route.  The repentant vampire comes up a lot, for example.  Remember how intriguing Spike became when he tried to do better without having a soul forcing the issue, unlike Angel?

I’ve noted that it seems to provide for more interesting villains, especially if they waver now and then.  Such as, for example, Gold/Rumpel, who keeps going back and forth between good and evil, first deceiving Belle, but now coming right out and laying it all on the table for her to know what kind of man he really is.  And well, Hubby and I LOVE his character.

And just the thought of needing to delve into my characters more, and write new sections of the book, fills me with glee.  Because I love this book and it constantly runs through my head.  🙂


Tracy Sighting….

Hubby came home today and told me he saw Tracy at the store.  They said nothing to each other.

He’s certain that after all this time, they’re not going to come to my church.  I don’t know about that, since they did check the service schedule on Christmas Eve.  (I run the website.  I didn’t go to the Christmas service.)  But then again, that was months ago, and the merger with their old church is common knowledge by now.

So maybe things will be fine.  In any case, I have friends who can rally around me if necessary.  They care and know my character, in case of attacks.  But maybe it won’t be a thing.  Or maybe R/T won’t come often enough to cause trouble.

What amazes me, though, is that anyone can go so many years knowing they’ve hurt another person, see that person or her husband around town on occasion, and never, ever once say, “I’m sorry.”  Or “I’m sorry I hurt your wife.  Please tell her so.”  Or “I’m sorry for causing drama in your life.”

Never once.  Ever.

And, in fact, defend their nastiness and refuse to admit they ever did anything wrong.

Which explains why they have a string of lost friendships.  I’m hardly the first, and there probably have been others after me.

Heck, I tried apologizing to her for hurting her when this all happened, even though I was the victim of her abuse.

Even my abusive or narcissistic exes have apologized to me.  Even people who bullied me in school have apologized to and/or made peace with me.

I don’t understand this.  I also don’t understand people treating others like this in the first place, the way she and her husband treated me.

People are making a big deal in the news lately about “Wisconsin Nice.”  Well, I can tell you that R/T aren’t from around here, or even the Midwest, for that matter.  Not that Wisconsin people can’t be rats: Even Canadians have some bad apples.  Narcissists, abusers and plain ol’ nasty people are everywhere.  But yeah, don’t let this crap I got from these people, make you think badly of Wisconsin people.  😛  Most people I know, don’t act like this.

But prayers/good wishes, please, for my continued healing and growing strength.





Reblog: The Adoration of the Konvertsky

From Second Terrace’s The Adoration of the Konvertsky:

I will deal more ethically with the reflexive irony. How go the konvertsky — that famous (or infamous) influx of unlikely American Anglicans and distraught establishment Protestants, and even more unlikely mishmash of “free church” Evangelicals and Charismatics — that immigrated into that patently odd jurisdictional ambiguity of the American Orthodox Church?

I hope that the majority of those who have left their own heterodox “Ur” and entered the Orthodox nave of Canaan have stayed. I hope that they and their families have continued along the eternal path of becoming, and have tasted the first fruits of theosis. I hope they have learned of the Church’s tradition and “theoria,” and have become wise in responding to the foolhardiness of this contemporaneity. I hope they have become adept at fighting the passions, and fending off the feints and wiles of the loathsome powers.

…There are, as you might expect, anecdotes, as far as data is concerned. I am aware of several narratives of ex-protestants who tell stories of disillusionment after five to ten years in Orthodoxy. The first apprehensions of beauty have worn off, and the frustration of relationships and disappointments have set in.

Other, more extreme, narratives include the exposure to egregious ecclesiastical misbehaviors. Some converts have seen Bad Things — and some of these converts have had Bad Things done to them. Some of them have seen persons in the Church not only ape the patterns of the world (“world” in its negative, not John 3.16, sense) — but have seen churchmen actually surpass the world in worldly behavior. Some converts have seen the Church replicate the marketplace DNA, having given religious preference to the term “entrepreneur” and have adopted the management-by-objective procedure and newspeak of corporate America.

…You take Communion differently now, and Chrismation is a one-way seal. You never experienced those things before — but the other part of deification is a providentially-ordered sequence of burden-bearing and grace-sharing. The disappointments from other people are such that God has elected you to bear that particular burden, and to bear His Grace to those particular people.

Yes, they hurt your feelings, but in our hurt feelings is His strength made manifest, and through our hurt feelings do we find the sufficiency of His Grace.

The entire blog post is here; it goes into the various kinds of converts–from the former Evangelicals and fundies, such as me, to former mainline Protestants–and various reasons why we can get disenchanted with Orthodoxy.  It includes the political right-wingers and left-wingers.  It goes into reasons why we should stay put and work on our own judgmentalism (wherever we fit on the spectrum of converts).


I made this meme about the GOP primaries….


Which one will eat fewer of your children?

[I used http://memegenerator.net/Cthulhu/caption to make this.]

I’ve also used this as my cover photo on Facebook.  The Germans recognize fascism:


Not that Cruz is any better.  I shudder whenever I think of him, too.  Not sure which is Nyar, which Cthulhu.

For the source of the Berlin Carnival picture: Donald Trump mocked at Carnival: Make fascism great again  (Though the Wehrmacht tank disturbed me, for obvious reasons.)

Also, from an Anglican priest: This Isn’t Funny Anymore: Why I’m Voting Against Donald Trump

4/6/16: Congrats to Bernie for winning Wisconsin.  I feel the Bern!  😀

Since after getting those “I voted” stickers I don’t normally go anyplace but back home, I’ve started putting them on my bicycle.  Hubby says it’s like fighter planes keeping tallies of how many planes they’ve shot down.  🙂




Reblog: “I May Have Been Wrong About Obama”/Possible New Third Party?

In fact, the top priority for Republicans wasn’t to help the nation recover from the disastrous recession created under President George W. Bush. As crudely articulated by Senate Leader Mitch McConnell, the top Republican priority was to make sure Obama wasn’t re-elected to a second term.

The Republican calculation was simple. If American economic misery continued for four more years, voters would be so enraged they’d throw out Obama and vote Republican.

That’s why Republicans began their cynical, anti-American program of voting against every Obama effort to create jobs and eviscerating the government’s economic safety net when it was needed most, making it even harder for struggling families to survive.

It’s difficult to say how much of the Republican opposition to Obama was rooted in racism. But the sheer contempt shown the first African American president was furious and unrelenting.

It led directly to 2010’s tea party backlash election that elected Gov. Scott Walker and other hard-core, right-wing politicians across America….

Republicans claim it’s not Obama’s race they hate. It’s his extreme left-wing policies. Except that President Obama doesn’t really have any radical left-wing policies. He’s a moderate Democrat, which is still a mainstream political philosophy in this country….

It’s Republicans who have left the mainstream. Now intelligent Republicans are watching in horror as racists destroy their party by nominating an unelectable, know-nothing demagogue.

To survive in a racially diverse America, decent Republicans are beginning to talk about creating a new third party based on legitimate conservative principles without any of the racial hatred. That’s how Lincoln’s abolitionist Republicans began. –Joel McNally, I May Have Been Wrong About Obama


Now my church is officially merging with my abusers’ church…..

The announcement came out in the media this week.  I voted in favor of the merger because it seemed to be in the best interest of both churches, and because people (at least in my church) were nearly unanimous.

But it will be interesting:

Tracy–from what Richard and a once-mutual friend have told me, and what I myself have observed–apparently has inherited an abusive form of Borderline Personality Disorder and/or other disorders from her mother.  Her behavior interlaps with Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well.  She has caused trouble with other friends and in other churches, from what I’ve seen and what Richard has told me.

And Richard himself shows many signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  He claims to have hypnotized me without my knowledge, and he manipulated me.

Both have demonstrated stalker tendencies as well, and have even tried to intimidate me at church.

And both of them are child abusers.

And neither of them have ever admitted to abusing me, or to the legitimacy of my pain, or to the fact that I deserve an apology.

In fact, they told me they laughed at my pain.  These are your classic Christians-In-Name-Only.

I admit a certain trepidation at the thought of the poison that could now enter my church.  I hope they will not destroy it.  Though I hope the priest would be able to stop any such thing.

Of course, I have no clue if my abusers are still involved in the other church.  It hasn’t held services for three years, so they very well could’ve moved on to someplace they like better.  These days, all I know about my abusers is that they still live somewhere in town, even though one of their regular, confirmed IPs shows up in my blog stat trackers as Missouri.  Hubby believes he saw them walking a dog near our house three weeks ago.

Several years ago, one friend told me that church could be a good influence on my abusers, so not to be too upset about seeing them there.  At this point, I can’t tell them to stay away if it’s also their church.  But sharing the Eucharist and other church activities could be terribly problematic.

I also have many friends in my church.  Then there’s my BFF at that church, a fellow convert-NOT-by-marriage, introvert, writer and German-speaker.  🙂  I haven’t felt lonely for a long time.  Maybe they will help me feel safer.

I will have to play things by ear.

Hubby says they may not even come, but if they do and try to badmouth me, the people there know me way too well to listen to them.  It would only go back on them.

Or who knows, maybe they’ll take advantage of tomorrow’s Forgiveness Sunday (Orthodox thing right before Lent) to make peace.

But in any case, if my abusers start coming to my church, things will get interesting.  Please pray for me, or good wishes, or whatever you do.