Grace for my Heart by Pastor David Orrison–someone who “gets it.”
I think narcissistic friendships are weird. Because they don’t have the structure of marriage or family or work, these friendships seem to be in constant flux. I hear this regularly.
At one time the relationship is very close, very dependent, almost intimate, and the next time the N is distant and uncaring. I suspect this is because the N must really play the game in a friendship.
A dating relationship has certain expectations and can lead to commitment. A marriage is a firm commitment. Families are families and work is work.
In these relationships it is much easier for the N to abuse because the victim/supply is stuck. It takes courage and willpower to break off the relationship. Most of the time, the N finds ways to drain the willpower away.
But a friendship means that the N has to use his/her ability to manipulate a person’s thinking and emotions. The friend can simply walk away.
So the N has to try to bind the friend using whatever weaknesses or openings the person reveals.
This is why Ns often seem to easy to talk to. They learn your secrets. It is why some present themselves as victims in pain. They appeal to your compassion. Whatever it takes to break through your normal defenses and get you committed to them.
Those of us on the outside look at a story like yours and wonder why you would ever continue such a relationship. It seems easy and obvious to us.
But inside the relationship, the N has twisted your thinking and made you doubt yourself. The abuse you suffer is your own fault, you think. The difficulty of the connection is because of you, you think.
This is the skill of the N, mind games. —Comment by the author on Friends with a Narcissist
Yes, this is EXACTLY how it was with Richard.
More from my site
- March 11, 2014 Different kinds of abuse–same feelings: How Mark Driscoll reminds me of Tracy, Phil, and others One reason why I read blogs and articles of all different kinds of abuse, is that I find the reactions of the abuse victims are the same everywhere.
Of course you'll have differences here and there: Being molested by a parent is not the same as being psychologically manipulated by an […]
- December 27, 2011 Losing Your Best Friend?–Or, Narcissistic Webs (Original Version) [Originally a Facebook note, meant to explain to my friends (including mutual ones with my abusers) why it was so hard for me to just forget Richard and move on. It turned into a much larger blog post when I began adding more and more to the note. At that time, my blog did not have the […]
- April 27, 2011 The long, dark night of my soul as I doubt God exists–because my spiritual mentor betrayed me [Written between February and probably May 2011:]
I have no interest whatsoever in reconciling with Tracy and don't really care anymore what she thinks of me, because I consider her an abuser and a bully and the most horrid person I've ever known, and I believe she's a false […]
- December 7, 2010 I see Tracy hanging out of the window of their minivan, like a crazy woman Tracy did not accept responsibility for her anger and abuse, but put it on others.
She accused others of being "childish" and needing to "grow up," but was the pot calling the kettle black.
She wouldn't respect others, not even clergy if they said something she didn't like, but […]
- January 1, 2011 Grief that my abusers keep coming to my church but not apologizing to me Here is an article on dyssemia, a word coined in 1992 to describe the trouble people with NVLD have with social situations. Here [in an earlier version of the page on Wikipedia] you'll find a quote from the back cover of Helping the Child Who Doesn't Fit In:
We've all known children […]