I think narcissistic friendships are weird. Because they don’t have the structure of marriage or family or work, these friendships seem to be in constant flux. I hear this regularly. At one time the relationship is very close, very dependent, almost intimate, and the next time the N is distant and uncaring. I suspect this is because the N must really play the game in a friendship.
A dating relationship has certain expectations and can lead to commitment. A marriage is a firm commitment. Families are families and work is work. In these relationships it is much easier for the N to abuse because the victim/supply is stuck. It takes courage and willpower to break off the relationship. Most of the time, the N finds ways to drain the willpower away.
But a friendship means that the N has to use his/her ability to manipulate a person’s thinking and emotions. The friend can simply walk away. So the N has to try to bind the friend using whatever weaknesses or openings the person reveals. This is why Ns often seem to easy to talk to. They learn your secrets. It is why some present themselves as victims in pain. They appeal to your compassion. Whatever it takes to break through your normal defenses and get you committed to them.
Those of us on the outside look at a story like yours and wonder why you would ever continue such a relationship. It seems easy and obvious to us. But inside the relationship, the N has twisted your thinking and made you doubt yourself. The abuse you suffer is your own fault, you think. The difficulty of the connection is because of you, you think. This is the skill of the N, mind games.–Comment by the author on Friends with a Narcissist
My story of narcissistic abuse is here and here. My college memoirs (incl. stories of Peter, Shawn and Phil) are here. My other writings are here.
March 12, 2012 Finding out people you love have a dark side There is a unique pain to finding out that someone you loved (romantically, or friendship, or family member) is not what you thought they were. First, there were two guys I loved in college. I thought they were wonderful; as it turned out, one (Peter) was apparently pretending to be more religi...
November 10, 2011 Fighting the Darkness: Stockholm Syndrome? Part of my trouble dealing with this issue is the question of, how my best friend could turn on me like Richard did. Stockholm Syndrome can explain it. I found this quote on a blog by Jennifer Kesler about the Hillary Adams video:
If you’re wondering how a woman could get to the point of helpi...
February 8, 2011 Fighting the Darkness (Depression After Abuse: First-Ever Post on My Story) Times have gotten so dark lately.....I used to be obsessed with studying my faith. Now I don't even have that anymore because the person who led me into the truth I'd been searching for, my spiritual mentor, the source of spiritual knowledge, wisdom and help--turned around and betrayed me, and th...
Popular topics: NVLD, abuse and narcissism. Nonfiction essays. Excerpts from my fiction (my pen name is Nerissa McCanmore). Memoirs of how I've handled abuse/bullying in the past and risen above it. The process of my journey from a recent, traumatic bullying experience, through the anger and pain, hopefully to rise above it through writing therapy. Also college memoirs, travelogues and book reviews, including the Left Behind series.
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