Some quotes from Darlene Ouimet’s How Victim Mentality works in Relation to Family Secrets:
Victim mentality taught me to FEAR the consequences of honoring my choice to reveal those secrets. Victim mentality tells me that I am safer to keep the secrets and protect the perpetrator.
Victim mentality taught me to protect the person who covered up for the perpetrator, believing that I am less deserving than the perpetrator, BECAUSE that is what I was taught about myself through the actions of those who were in charge of me.
When I first started this website I would have a fear related adrenaline rush when I clicked the publish button on certain articles especially if they revealed anything about toxic and dysfunctional family relationships. That was my childhood fear of going public with my past.
It was not fear for what others would then know about me but fear of what the consequences would be if I “told” on the abusers and those that didn’t protect me or if I revealed the family secrets.
I didn’t understand that fear based adrenaline rush then as well as I do now. I had to reassure myself that the consequences for talking would not kill me that I was no longer that helpless child anymore. I had to remind myself that hundreds of times.
I no longer care if the truth hurts someone else’s feelings. When I decided to heal and move forward with MY life, I had to stop taking care of other people’s feelings and finally validate MY feelings.
When I finally put my own healing first, I began to see the dysfunction more clearly. I finally saw that I was contributing to the sick dysfunctional cycle by going along with it.
More from my site
- August 14, 2010 We *seem* to have things sorted out–and they *seem* to finally take responsibility for causing drama (but there’s more to come later) But then an hour after the last draft I wrote of the above e-mail, I wrote to Jeff,
I *finally* got to finish that talk with Richard. I had things all written down to say, then when I got the chance to say them, realized I was sick of the whole thing and just said maybe one or two […]
- May 21, 2012 This Blog is No Longer Safe. [Update 2/15/14: This was posted May 21, 2012. I only "scrubbed" my blog temporarily; a short time later, I put it all back up again.]
I've scrubbed what I can. This is no longer a safe place to blog about certain bullying experiences. Yes, I have every right to blog about my […]
- November 2, 2010 Was Richard’s betrayal driven by Narcissism–or Stockholm Syndrome? From Love and Stockholm Syndrome:
Don't feel the victim's behavior is against the family or friends. It may be a form of survival or a way of lowering stress. Victims may be very resistive, angry, and even hostile due to the complexity of their relationship with the […]
- August 17, 2012 Stopping Abuse/ Helping Abused Friend, Family Member, Co-worker, Child I've noticed quite a bit of hits from keywords referring to abuse. This is, unfortunately, a common problem, and people need to find help.
There are also many hits from keywords referring to narcissistic or borderline personality disorders, disorders which often lead to abusive […]
- March 12, 2012 Finding out people you love have a dark side Finding out someone you loved (romantically, or friendship, or family member) is not what you thought they were, brings a unique pain.
First, there were two guys I loved in college. I thought they were wonderful; as it turned out, one (Peter) was apparently pretending to be more […]