Warning: The following contains venting of anger, to get it out of my heart and onto the page, to make the story authentic, and to show other victims of abuse that I feel your rage.
INCIDENT or “Acting Out” phase
Instead, I found a horrid message from Tracy, telling me to f— off [which no one has EVER said to me before or since),
which would be followed by other messages,
full of foul language, the most baffling accusations, the most horrid things anyone had ever said to me,
abusive, filthy, controlling, manipulative, demeaning, humiliating,
and completely undeserved.
It was a bunch of deranged ranting, making her sound like some insane madwoman. It came completely out of the blue, blindsided me, baffled me, mystified me. I was horrified. THIS IS VERBAL ABUSE. THIS IS A NARCISSISTIC RAGE. ABUSERS AND THE CLUSTER-B PERSONALITY DISORDERED DO THIS.
This is when I felt beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was a crazy, abusive monster, just as bad as any man who beats his wife, with an irrational hatred toward me because I knew what she really was.
(This has also been proven by how she’s been acting ever since finding my blog, by threatening, stalking and trying to intimidate me. You can follow the progress of her terror campaign on my blog, starting in May 2012.)
This was the last straw: I no longer wanted anything to do with her. I began to remove my posts from Richard’s Facebook page, and later that day, blocked her on Facebook.
I NEVER snubbed her, but they tried to make me think I did it all the time! I was always polite and kind to her, holding my tongue even as she was rude to me, yet she accused me of snubbing her.
Sometime in just the past few weeks, I gave her a lily from my garden, and sent her an e-mail telling her she was gorgeous last time I saw her, and asking for a recipe for that wonderful dish she makes.
I NEVER tried to steal her husband away, but she talked and acted as if I were some slut ho-bag after her husband.
It sounded like my e-mail would have been perfectly fine with her if she had approved my friendship with Richard and I had met all her requirements.
But I HAD met all her requirements, I HAD been approved as Richard’s friend, and I WAS allowed to hug him, banter with him, go for coffee with him, as I prove here–but now they pretended that this never happened.
Richard told me himself that “the hugs and the whatnot” were “all good” with Tracy, but now they pretended that they never were–and told Jeff that the hugs etc. would have been fine if I had met requirements that I never met. Even though the proof I give here shows that I had met her requirements a year previous. !!!!!!
This is also proven by the exchange I reproduce here, which came just a few months previous to July 2010. In it, he stated that her getting mad and restrictions on him calling me were “over with a long time ago.”
Does it sound confusing? Because it is! Does it make no sense? Because it makes no sense! More gaslighting! And also proof that the e-mail itself was not the problem, and that Tracy was deliberately trying to confuse (gaslight) me.
Also, the e-mails I posted here prove this to all be one big lie which Tracy told to justify her rage episode.
These e-mails are all more evidence that her true reason had nothing to do with what she claimed here, but with her desire to drive me away before I either called CPS on her or got Richard to admit she was abusing him.
Or maybe they both used this as an excuse to drive me away, because I was turning Democrat and openly said their actions were child abuse.
Also note that one of Richard’s exes, a longtime girlfriend, sent him a passionate e-mail back in 2007. It overtly said that she wanted him back as her lover.
For the time being he put her off, but a couple of years later, she was back, calling him this time.
He once spoke with her at the same time he carried on an IRC conversation with me.
YET HE WAS NOT FORBIDDEN TO TALK TO THIS OLD GIRLFRIEND.
Also, after Tracy came here, she discovered he talked to some old friend which she did not like. They were never lovers, and this girl made no romantic overtures.
YET TRACY WAS FURIOUS THAT HE SPOKE TO THIS OLD FRIEND.
Yet more evidence that this was not all about jealousy, but about control, weeding out Richard’s friends who saw her as abusive.
I was amazed that anyone could be so cruel and vicious to a friend, to someone who never harmed anybody but had done so much to help her. I sat in shock for some time before I could even start crying.
The friendship I had worked so hard to build, maintain and restore–was just gone in the blink of an eye. Had slipped out of my fingers.
For something I hadn’t even done or said,
but something that Tracy had intimated,
had put into that e-mail herself,
subtext she read into it that did not exist,
lines she had read between and found something that was not actually there,
because she had been bound and determined ever since we first met to be jealous and treat me as guilty until proven innocent.
(Witness this incident a few weeks earlier, in which she went off on me for wishing them a fun trip!)
The neurotypical (normal) practice of reading subtext into things is far more trouble than it’s worth, so I’d rather stay literal-brained.
And of course, borderlines are quick to take offense where it does not exist. If it weren’t this, it would’ve been something else I did or said eventually.
She told me, “Don’t go crying to Jeff because we don’t need the headache.”
Just like any bully on the playground, or any other kind of abuser:
Don’t you dare go and tell anybody how I’ve treated you. Don’t tell your mother I touched you like this. Or don’t tell the police I’m slapping you around. Or don’t go crying to your friends/husband/ boss/teacher about how I’m beating you down verbally or physically, because I don’t need the headache….
Abusers of any stripe deserve to be brought into the light and their deeds exposed.
I wrote to Richard, saying I don’t understand, saying he told me that hugs were fine, that we’ve always been brother/sister, begging him to get into chat and talk to me, give me the dignity of that much if this friendship is over, explain this to me, why was I being treated like a whore when we had never done anything wrong and he had told me that hugs are okay?????!!!!!!
But she, acting like an insane control freak, refused to even allow that much, just took over all his messages and wouldn’t let him respond himself, wielded control over him, treated him like a slave or a child.
She said, “You’re too stupid to understand!” THIS IS VERBAL ABUSE.
She told me she was taking over his Facebook, said I couldn’t speak to him, and when I tried to defend myself and not listen to this screaming harpie and get him to give me the respect of talking to me about this,
she called me stupid for trying to talk to him. THIS IS VERBAL ABUSE.
Basically, I had been tried, judged a whore, and sentenced to jail without a chance to defend myself. It was ridiculous. It was overblown. It was nasty.
And yet she had the audacity to write, “No, the friendship is not over.”
Um…after what you just said to me? You do realize you’re not the only one who gets to decide if this friendship is over?
What kind of frickin’ DOORMAT do you think I am?
Maybe Richard coddles your abusive crap and lets you get away with this,
maybe your kids have no choice but to let you get away with this,
but I am allowed to cut my own arm off if necessary (what it felt like to give up Richard) to get away from you.
I felt betrayed by Richard as well, Richard, who after all these years, knew I didn’t deserve things like this. Richard, who had called me “sweet, innocent and nice.” Richard, who had said I was “very dear” to him.
The one whom I had poured out my heart to, my secrets, my fears, my religious musings, all the thoughts I’d have over books and movies, the one who had stuck up for me on Internet forums.
And now he was allowing his wife to flay me alive over something I hadn’t even done, when he knew full well what had really happened.
I had only just re-read Gone With the Wind, watched the movie the night before, and felt like Scarlett and Ashley being treated like adulterers over an innocent hug. (That’s where the comparison ends, by the way.)
Even the most benevolent act can be turned into its opposite by the assignation of bad motives.
The narcissist reserves to themselves the right to determine your own mind for you.
They will tell you what was really motivating you in order to take away from you the truth, reality or rightness of whatever you have done.
It can be an amazingly effective sleight-of-hand. –Anna Valerious, Thought Crimes
I have a history of saying things to people that sound entirely different from what I actually meant. It’s caused me much grief because I can’t seem to forget what I said or how it affected them, so years later I’ll still beat myself up. This, or at least the long memory, may be from NLD or Asperger’s.
Anyway, it happened yet again: Apparently some rule had been broken yet again, some rule I was not aware of, one of the many little rules that I thought–as soon as Richard sent me the “signal” by inviting me to sushi–had long since been set aside because she had finally accepted me, with full friendship benefits.
I did absolutely nothing wrong here. Richard had always reassured me that hugs were okay with Tracy, and I even have an e-mail from him saying so.
Also, he had let me know that things were fine between Tracy and me, the previous winter. In the spring, when I said I got concerned when he ignored my calls that Tracy was upset, he said, “No, that was over with a long time ago.”
There was absolutely nothing wrong with our hugs, or with my reminding him of them or remembering them fondly, because I was friends with him and Tracy.
But now, Tracy decided for some unknown reason that I wasn’t friends with her, had never been, and for that reason, the hugs were not okay. ????
This tells me that it had nothing to do with the hugs or the e-mail, but that it was all about my telling them their actions were child abuse.
Or that we no longer had the money to keep giving them handouts, while Tracy now had a full-time job, so they no longer needed us.
Or that I was turning Democrat. Or all of the above.
But she had to gaslight me into thinking I had done something wrong, to justify her narcissistic rage episode and abuse.
And God help Richard if he doesn’t go along with her, though he knows full well that I’m innocent and have done nothing wrong.
Jeff noted the e-mail was perfectly fine when you knew the context, which Richard knew very well and should have explained to her, especially since I was referring to things he had done.
It was truly ridiculous because if she’d waited to get the context before reacting, as Jeff did, she would’ve known there was nothing to get upset over, and our friendship would have continued.
But she wouldn’t even allow Richard to call me and sort things out, and ranted and raved at me in an outrageous rage episode every time I tried to e-mail Richard or get him into Facebook chat to discuss this ridiculous crap and what the freaking HECK was going on. More of her power play.
But no matter what Jeff or I tried to say in my defense, whether apologies or explanations, she wouldn’t listen to any of it, so trying to explain the e-mail was useless. (You know, like it was when she raged at Todd for something he hadn’t even done, but refused to believe his intentions had been to help her.)
From her crowing on Facebook, she obviously didn’t want to believe that I was innocent of her charges, because she was getting far too much perverse pleasure from beating up on me.
I think now that she also was getting perverse pleasure from believing that every woman is after her husband and that she must defend the household from attack.
She just doesn’t understand that letting your husband be himself and befriend whomever he likes and express himself to them however he likes (within reason), is the way to freedom, joy and peace in your marriage, rather than constant vigilance and stress.
I would post her e-mails to show you just how bad they were, since I still have some of them. But that would require me to go back into a bad place, a dangerous place, and I just can’t do that yet. Not even five years later.
I wrote to Jeff at 1:06pm,
Tracy has just gone ballistic on me. I don’t know why because she won’t let Richard even talk to me. I’m afraid the friendship is over with because I can’t deal with jealous spouses anymore.
I also sent him a copy of an e-mail Tracy sent him, because I saw an alert for it in the corner of the computer screen.
I won’t go too far into these e-mails because there are bombs (ie, copies of Tracy’s e-mails) in there, and I just can’t deal with that again. You know, like anyone who has been traumatized.
But I explained what was going on, and he said,
Ok: stay low, stay out of sight, and don’t rile her. Let Richard & I deal with it.
I’ve since learned, after reading an article in probably early 2011 about Aspie women having trouble understanding other women who use subtext, that people with neurotypical brains read subtext into everything. She and Richard both seemed to read a subtext into the e-mail that did not exist: I, being literal, mean what I say and say what I mean.
I said nothing suggestive because I meant nothing suggestive, meaning just what I wrote: only that the hugs were sweet and meant a lot to me. Why shouldn’t they mean a lot to me? They were given in friendship and caring! I took them as being meant in friendship and caring!
Yet somehow Tracy apparently read something suggestive into the e-mail, just as she did when I posted a simple “I’ll miss you dearly. Have fun!” a few weeks earlier.
I still don’t know where she got it from, in either case. Even Jeff, who doesn’t seem to have my neural problems, can see where she got it from in the Incident e-mail, but nowhere did I state or imply anything about romance or sex or passion or romantic love, so I don’t know where she got it from.
Basically, Jeff had to explain to me that it came across that way, because I was completely baffled at her reaction and Richard allowing it.
I had expected that when Jeff went to talk to Richard, he would find that Richard was upset at Tracy’s reaction, knew the truth, remembered the hugs and what they were really all about, but was afraid of angering Tracy further by countering her.
I did not expect to hear the things that Richard actually did say, the ways he reacted to Jeff.
But I still don’t know why or how the e-mail came across that way: I never even said “I love you,” and expressed only platonic caring for a dear and close friend.
I certainly would’ve expected Richard, of all people, to know that any suggestive “subtext” was not there, because he was the one who gave me the hugs.
I expected him to explain them to Tracy and reassure her, that this would calm her down and make her realize that she was misreading and misjudging, that there was nothing to worry about or get mad about.
You don’t treat friends the way they treated me: You give them the benefit of the doubt and ask them for the truth before freaking out, especially with e-mails, which are so easily misunderstood, as everybody knows.
But then, should I expect any different from the same people who freaked out on good friend Todd over a game? from the same person who went into rage episodes and started ripping Todd to shreds over a game?
As Todd said, she doesn’t try to change anything herself, just keeps yelling at other people to do it. And I was told by both Todd and Richard that people keep breaking off friendships with Richard because of Tracy.
So should I expect any different from her toward myself? And why should I take any of her criticisms or accusations to heart?
Heck, in June 2009 I had e-mailed Richard, regarding a discussion on a Christian forum we were both on:
As for other kinds of love, I want [my son] to be able to say it freely, that he loves his friends, loves his family, loves his fellow workers at whatever task.
[My pastor friend Mike] once brought up how reluctant people are to say it.
On the one hand, I see the wisdom of saying “philia” when referring to how you feel about friends.
On the other hand, I want to be able to say “I love you” to a guy friend without having to qualify it with “philia” or “But not in THAT way,” especially when they might have a crush on you or there’s a spouse who might misunderstand.
So much is tied up into that one word in our language that it has so much baggage. But if you use a different word, like “philia,” it doesn’t feel like you’re saying what you mean, because it comes from Greek, not your native tongue. You know what I’m saying?
To you and to Mike I’ve signed letters/e-mails saying, “In philia.” But it didn’t “feel” like what I really meant. I want to freely say “I love you” just as I would to, say, [my female college friends].
It’s the same emotion and loyalty to each. If Mike [or various female and male friends] were to die, I would be devastated. If I had to, I would stick up for any of them, and occasionally I have done so.
But in this culture, you start fearing the wives will freak out if they read a note saying “I love you,” or your friend will misunderstand and think you’re professing your undying passion, and freak out.
How did Americans end up so screwed up, anyway?
Mike once wrote in an e-mail to friends that he wants to break down our society’s barriers that make people think they can’t say “I love you” to friends or colleagues without making people uncomfortable. That he’d told a colleague in a staff meeting that he loves her, and she just sat in uncomfortable silence. I loved the concept.
An NLDer on a support forum I frequent, recently had to deal with his father reading subtext into something he said, when he had meant it literally, no subtext–and he got into trouble for something he had not even said.
It seems to me that while subtext may be considered “normal,” it’s more trouble than it’s worth, and having a literal brain is much safer.
Even neurotypicals misunderstand each other’s subtext all the time, especially by e-mail and on Internet forums.
Somewhere recently I read an article by a guy who assumed a friend was sarcastic in an e-mail to him. This greatly offended him so much that he didn’t speak to this person again for months–only to find the friend wasn’t being at all sarcastic, and was actually paying him a compliment.
Subtext can more easily be read and understood in person, but over the Internet, everyone becomes “Aspie” or “NLD.” It’s dangerous to read subtext into any e-mail or Internet post.
Everyone must be willing to recognize that misunderstandings happen by e-mail, and calm down and accept explanations of misunderstandings as being valid. In fact, we are told this again and again by moderators who try to calm people down on forums and e-mailing lists.
(I do seem to use a kind of subtext, but it’s basically using an explanation to communicate why something can or cannot be done. That message is included in the explanation. It drives me nuts when my husband keeps asking a question I’ve already answered, and then says I didn’t answer it. But this is not emotional subtext, the kind women supposedly use. I try not to presume an emotional subtext in e-mail because e-mail is so easily misunderstood, even among neurotypicals.)
Narcissistic Rage is something you, as the Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother, will no doubt have experienced. Narcissists hate being challenged. Because they’re such superior, perfect people, how dare you, a mere nobody, challenge them in any way?
This is why Narcissists react out of all proportion to the smallest slight, or perceived slight.
Or even, to the slightest request for better treatment. Any challenge threatens their wellbeing. Their persona is so fragile that it cannot withstand any challenge whatsoever.
This is why they go on the attack so viciously. They really are fighting for their life, or it feels like it to them.
There are no limits to what they’ll do or say in the throes of this rage. They’ll eviserate your personality, your very Self. It’s like soul-annihilation. It’s so destructive and vicious. It’s a self-esteem destroyer.
Sometimes this Narcissistic Rage can turn physical, but even if it remains at being verbal, it’s terrifying. —Narcissistic Rage
This type of individual has dysfunctional problem-solving skills. Instead of holding herself accountable for her bad behavior and making positive changes, she tries to solve problems by shifting blame, making excuses, verbally attacking others, vilifying others and fighting or fleeing.
In her reality, these are problem-solving techniques. To a rational adult, these behaviors create the majority of the problems and conflicts in a relationship. –Shrink4Men, Blame and Rage: What Abusive Women Call Problem-Solving
Perceived Insult. It is easy to think of this as the “trigger.” Problem is, this is no ordinary trigger. It is a hair-trigger. Anything that portrays her as less than perfect or holds her accountable will trigger her for sure.
You need to evaluate what triggers your partner. If you were the one that actually triggered the response, it will be easier to identify. However, sometimes it wasn’t your finger on the trigger. More on that later.
Disproportionate Rage. This phase could easily be labeled “shock and awe.” You will be in awe because in your mind the perceived insult will not warrant the level of rage you receive.
If your infraction is deemed serious enough, she is most likely to use nuclear weapons first. Don’t be surprised if you are subjected to flying objects, yelling, divorce threats, and false 911 calls. There will definitely be memories that last a lifetime! –Shrink4Men, High-Conflict Phases of Abuse, Blame Shifting, Distortion, Rage and Manipulation Diagram
Table of Contents
- Bullying of an introvert and probable NVLDer
- My NVLD in a nutshell
- Richard dismisses my experiences
- Summarizing this story
- Why I put this story on the Web–at great personal risk
- I was Sam in search of a Frodo, Anne in search of a Diana
- I finally find my Frodo–who moves in
- Discovering they live in squalor
- Richard reveals his wife’s abuses
- Houseguests From Hell
- Tracy turns jealous of and hostile toward me because I’m an introvert with NVLD
- Tracy’s narcissistic/BPD rage episode at Richard–and Richard reveals his own abuse
- Tracy’s control-freak behavior–to me, in my house
- Tracy overhears me telling Jeff she’s abusive–and wreaks vengeance
- Verge of nervous breakdown as houseguests from Hell abuse our hospitality
- Richard gives me the fateful hugs good-bye
- Tracy’s smear campaign and emotional blackmail begin full-force
- I almost break off the friendship because of Tracy
- Tracy’s unreasonable jealousy even as I take pains to be above reproach
- Their doublespeak and double standards
- Tracy snarks and Richard nitpicks
- The emotional vampires suck me dry–and accuse me of being too sensitive
- My Friend Richard, the Narcissist
- Richard says he hypnotized me without my knowledge
- More on Richard’s hypnotism–and his narcissistic stare
- Richard’s past in the Mafia–and his plot to kill the apartment manager
- Tracy bullies me and tries to control Richard by weeding out friends she doesn’t like
- E-mails and phone call describe how Tracy abuses her husband and children
- More details of Tracy’s abuse of her children
- Early 2010: I speak up about Tracy’s child abuse–and ponder reporting her to authorities
- Early warning signs of Tracy’s abuse and volatility
- I get an inkling of Richard’s own abuse of his children
- How to Bully an Introvert–and Assets of NVLD
- Two Narcissists Tag-Team Bully an Introvert with NLD
- Tracy is nasty to me on the phone
- Fed-up, I decide to end the friendship if Tracy does not stop bullying me
- Tracy Mindscrews me with Constantly Changing Rules, “Okays” me then takes it back without telling me, Violates my Privacy by reading my e-mails to Richard
- I must be accepted as I am–introversion, NVLD and all–or you’re out
- Now Richard Screws with my Mind
- Tracy drives away another friend (Todd) with narcissistic rage, manipulation, lies and a smear campaign
- I discover the restrictions are still up after 7 months–and ponder ending the friendship
- Tracy tells Jeff a different story: I have already been “approved” as Richard’s friend
- Richard gaslights me into thinking I’m a stalker
- Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends
- Disturbing Revelations from Richard about Tracy and our time sharing a house
- Revealing e-mails I drafted to Richard: proving I felt abused and bullied, and witnessed abuse
- We seem to have things sorted out–and they seem to finally take responsibility for causing drama (but there’s more to come later)
- E-mails proving my innocence, that Tracy lied in 2010, that I respected boundaries, and that I asked for a “signal”
- Richard mansplains me, denies that his friends sexually harassed me, and refuses to respect my wishes
- Without warning or explanation, tensions build as Richard and Tracy both begin acting like lunatics
- I begin to wonder if the Richard I know–is real or a fake persona
- Richard decides I’m no longer worth his time or respect–because of POLITICS–as he gets into the TEA Party
- Richard goes off the deep end and disses us for not buying into his extreme right-wing politics
- Richard grows distant and Tracy’s insane jealousy flares up
- Richard rips into me publicly and I suspect our friendship is all a fake
- I feel increasing coldness from Richard and Tracy as I “unfriend” their Republican candidates and “friend” Obama and Feingold
- Time to scapegoat me into thinking I’m the problem–and I realize my “BFF” is a fraud
- I confront Richard with how he’s been treating me–so he stonewalls me and threatens to beat up my husband
- Resolution: I apologize–and write the fateful e-mail about the fateful hugs
- Part One: Tracy’s narcissistic rage against me–but I am innocent of all her charges
- Part Two: Tracy enjoys verbally abusing me, then tries to silence me–so I tell everyone
- Part Three: Jeff’s WTF moment: Judas (Richard) knows I’m innocent, but psychotically rages at Jeff
- Part Four: Their DARVO lies lead us to break off relations with our abusers
- Why we should tell everyone we have been abused
- E-Mails to Friends About the Incident, written in first two months
- 1. To Mike and my mother
- 2. E-mails describing pain of breaking up with a close friend
- 3. E-mails spilling all the abuse, to my closest friends
- 4. E-mails to Todd describing what happened
- Why we should not be forced to befriend a BFF’s abusive spouse
- Why I refused to “confer” with Tracy–and how Richard betrayed me
- Tracy refused to accept the NVLD and introversion–but they are real
- Resolving conflict: The difference between friends and frenemies
- I send an apology–and we’re all blocked on Facebook
- Struggling to process what the F**K just happened
- E-mail to Mike: processing my pain
- Pondering forgiveness vs. giving in to the dark vortex
- Shock: Richard and Tracy at my church
- About Richard justifying Tracy’s verbal abuse because I am shy and quiet
- The monster comes back out: Tracy punishes me for long-dead issues
- How Tracy’s e-mails displayed narcissism
- I suggest a six-month break
- I refuse to give in to Tracy’s emotional blackmail
- Tracy blamed others for her abuse
- Tracy tried to force me to submit to her abuse
- Grief over losing my best and closest friend–for no good reason
- Written 2010: Grief over being falsely accused
- Written 2010/2011: Grief over being abused–and the abuser getting away with it
- Written 2010/2011: I see Tracy hanging out of the window of their minivan, like a crazy woman
- Written 2011: Grief that my abusers kept coming to my church but not apologizing to me
- Blog Post for my friends: Fighting the Darkness (Written in February 2011)
- Can we destroy something God put in place?
- An old friend shows me that Richard and Tracy were deceivers, never friends
- The long, dark night of my soul as I doubt God exists–because my spiritual mentor betrayed me
- I start doubting Tracy was ever truly a Christian–so it’s okay to separate myself from her fellowship
- Grief felt on 6/12/11
- 2011 Facebook post: Original form of Losing Your Best Friend?–Or, Narcissistic Webs
- Describing Richard’s narcissism
- Realizing how Richard manipulated me into doing things I shouldn’t
- Was Richard’s betrayal driven by Narcissism–or Stockholm Syndrome?
- Tracy: a woman who abuses a man
- Richard’s lack of action made him a passive abuser
- Fear of it all happening again with new friends–but relief as well
- Written early or mid 2011: working through the grief, pain and anger
- How Richard and Tracy’s views on parenting are wrong
- Running into Richard and Tracy at church/the store/Greekfest a year later
- Introduction to this section: Richard’s Criminal Charges
- UPDATE 7/26/11: Richard is charged with abusing his daughter; I report them to CPS
- UPDATE 9/14/11: I learn that Richard choked his daughter
- UPDATE 10/4/11: Richard is convicted of choking his daughter
- UPDATE 10/23/11: After his conviction, Richard comes to my church