I wrote to my friend Mike, in whom I had been confiding,
Things are at an end now with my friend and me. Mistakes were made and the wife said all sorts of angry things that showed how she REALLY feels about me. I don’t understand how somebody can be so venomous.
It also makes me wish that, knowing as he probably did how she felt, instead of making me endure the agony of constantly trying to be friendly with her when I was afraid of her temper, the years of tears over finding out she’s upset over something I thought was resolved or okay–I really wish he had just ended the friendship a few years ago.
He and Jeff had hoped to try to get things smoothed over, and told me to lie low for a few days. But she came out with such nastiness [the second e-mail she sent Jeff] that told me no, it’s time to go.
And now I feel so lonely and heartbroken, wishing I had a friend here in Fond du Lac who could take my friend’s place. Preferably a woman. 😛
I wrote to my mother,
I don’t know if [my brother or niece] has mentioned anything, since I vented about it a bit on Facebook. But things are at an end between Richard’s family and mine. I’ve told you before about the troubles I had with Tracy. They just got to a boiling point and became intolerable.
Just when I’d think everything was fine, I’d discover that she was still mad at me. She’s been snipping and snapping at me for months just for little things I wrote on Facebook, or for taking a bag of sunscreen and bugspray with me when we sat outside on Memorial Day.
I wrote an e-mail that she misunderstood and now I realize that it was easy to misunderstand (even Jeff misunderstood it), but Richard should’ve been able to explain it to her. If she had only asked, I could’ve explained it to her.
But no, she just went on a rampage and said it was time for us all to sit down and have a “conference” while she, essentially, yelled and screamed at me. She said the friendship wasn’t over, we just needed to have this conference while she said things she’d wanted to say for a long time.
So Jeff and I both said, NO. There will be no conference. This friendship is OVER.
Something about my personality must rub her the wrong way, because she says she has all these terrible grievances against me–things which are far worse than the fact that she swore at me–but I always tried to be nice to her.
I gave her things like lilies or tomatoes, said she looked pretty, invited her to come over some time to watch a movie, paid her electric bill once, joked with her, laughed about husbands with her, watched her kids, told Jeff when she needed a ride because their car broke down yet again, etc.
But apparently I was just horrible to her somehow. I just don’t get it at all. Neither does Jeff, who has nearly always been there whenever I was with her.
Neither does anybody he vents about it to. They’re like, “Nyssa? Why would anybody have a problem with Nyssa? She’s not offensive!” [One person was shocked that anybody would cuss at me like that.]
She blew up at me via e-mail and told me not to go “crying to Jeff,” told Jeff about it, he tried to calm her down and make apologies and stuff (since I was advised to lie low), she got even worse. In the end, Jeff and I looked at each other and decided simultaneously, we can’t do this anymore.
We’re both heartbroken, me because I lost my best friend (Richard) after all the effort I’ve put into this friendship, Jeff because he thought our friendship was worth far more than to just let us walk away.
What did Tracy say when Jeff went over to tell them it was over and get some books I lent Richard? “Give him the books so we can get back to our movie.” ?!?!?!?!
We’re not the first friends she’s driven off. We’re not even the second. We wonder how long it’ll be before Richard realizes that she’s driving his friends away left and right. They’ve only been married for several years and this has happened.
We’re going to miss the girls. Our son probably will, too. He’s always loved playing with them and making them little presents.
I’m heartbroken that Richard would let her get like this with me, that he keeps letting her drive off his friends.
I thought our friendship meant more to him than that. He once said I was the most awesome person he knew.
But he just let his wife turn into a shrew and drive me away. While he enabled it and listened to her and just would not listen to me.
Because of friend loyalty I didn’t want to breathe a word of this to anyone besides Jeff, before. But they are FILTHY housekeepers.
Every time I went over there, I had to clean the bathroom floor and toilet seat and part of the toilet before I could even go to the bathroom!
[Jeff saw the filth, too, and made sure to never sit down when he used their toilet.]
And there was no wastebasket in there [to throw away the filthy paper after I cleaned the toilet seat, so I had to flush it].
And when her mother (who’s worse than her, I hear) [that refers to the BPD] comes over to visit and starts cleaning the filth, they get furious with her.
And the way Tracy treats those kids and Richard is just terrible. I won’t be calling social services because that would just be vindictive. But I am glad to not be dealing with THAT anymore….
Imagine what it was like for me trying to keep the mess at bay while they were here, while they just let their clothes pile up on the floor despite the clothes basket I bought.
It took me at least a week to clean up the house after they left. And a cockroach came along with them. Fortunately, the cockroach has long since disappeared.
Her family is so screwed up that I wonder if there’s something wrong with [Tracy] mentally.
[Her mother had mental problems, and I did not yet know about narcissist and borderline personality disorders, which would both explain Tracy’s behavior.]
Based on what she wrote on her Facebook page right before I deleted and blocked her from my friends list, she’s probably feeling absolutely wonderful and telling her family how she finally said things that “needed to be said.”
Yeah, whatever, lady. And now you’re alone without the friends who would do anything for your family and once moved heaven and earth to [get money we didn’t have, to do a thing, that prevented catastrophe in her family].
I’m without a best friend in Fond du Lac now, and that’s lonely. But we’re trying to reconnect with some people so we won’t be lonely for long.
Catherine’s husband has crazy work schedules, which is the only reason we don’t see them much, since it’s hard to accommodate them with a young child who needs an 8:30 bedtime. We’re trying to see them again.
And my friend Mike still e-mails me and chats with me on Facebook. Clarissa and Astrid sometimes do as well. Sharon doesn’t have Internet, so she rarely shows up, but we were supposed to be getting together this summer. I thought Richard was my bestest friend ever (besides Jeff, of course), but I guess these are far better.
Jeff is very supportive–well, heck, we’re going through this together….
Richard would tell me that screaming at kids is necessary, but his kids don’t even do housework when they’re told. Our son needs only a list of chores written on a little slate each morning, and off he goes to do them.
So our household is nice and peaceful, and we’re leaning on each other through this.
I talked with Mike on Facebook chat around July 4, 2010. I told him how Tracy would smack Richard around
and that Richard said if she ever hit his face, he’d say she’s no longer a woman, and hit back.
Mike said things like, “Why would you want to be friends with them? These people are TOXIC!”
I told him how Tracy abused the kids, so he–a pastor and, at one time, a worker in a domestic violence shelter–urged me to report them.
I said, “I don’t want to be vindictive.”
He replied, “Don’t let friendship be more important than those children!”
Table of Contents
- Bullying of an introvert and probable NVLDer
- My NVLD in a nutshell
- Richard dismisses my experiences
- Summarizing this story
- Why I put this story on the Web–at great personal risk
- I was Sam in search of a Frodo, Anne in search of a Diana
- I finally find my Frodo–who moves in
- Discovering they live in squalor
- Richard reveals his wife’s abuses
- Houseguests From Hell
- Tracy turns jealous of and hostile toward me because I’m an introvert with NVLD
- Tracy’s narcissistic/BPD rage episode at Richard–and Richard reveals his own abuse
- Tracy’s control-freak behavior–to me, in my house
- Tracy overhears me telling Jeff she’s abusive–and wreaks vengeance
- Verge of nervous breakdown as houseguests from Hell abuse our hospitality
- Richard gives me the fateful hugs good-bye
- Tracy’s smear campaign and emotional blackmail begin full-force
- I almost break off the friendship because of Tracy
- Tracy’s unreasonable jealousy even as I take pains to be above reproach
- Their doublespeak and double standards
- Tracy snarks and Richard nitpicks
- The emotional vampires suck me dry–and accuse me of being too sensitive
- My Friend Richard, the Narcissist
- Richard says he hypnotized me without my knowledge
- More on Richard’s hypnotism–and his narcissistic stare
- Richard’s past in the Mafia–and his plot to kill the apartment manager
- Tracy bullies me and tries to control Richard by weeding out friends she doesn’t like
- E-mails and phone call describe how Tracy abuses her husband and children
- More details of Tracy’s abuse of her children
- Early 2010: I speak up about Tracy’s child abuse–and ponder reporting her to authorities
- Early warning signs of Tracy’s abuse and volatility
- I get an inkling of Richard’s own abuse of his children
- How to Bully an Introvert–and Assets of NVLD
- Two Narcissists Tag-Team Bully an Introvert with NLD
- Tracy is nasty to me on the phone
- Fed-up, I decide to end the friendship if Tracy does not stop bullying me
- Tracy Mindscrews me with Constantly Changing Rules, “Okays” me then takes it back without telling me, Violates my Privacy by reading my e-mails to Richard
- I must be accepted as I am–introversion, NVLD and all–or you’re out
- Now Richard Screws with my Mind
- Tracy drives away another friend (Todd) with narcissistic rage, manipulation, lies and a smear campaign
- I discover the restrictions are still up after 7 months–and ponder ending the friendship
- Tracy tells Jeff a different story: I have already been “approved” as Richard’s friend
- Richard gaslights me into thinking I’m a stalker
- Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends
- Disturbing Revelations from Richard about Tracy and our time sharing a house
- Revealing e-mails I drafted to Richard: proving I felt abused and bullied, and witnessed abuse
- We seem to have things sorted out–and they seem to finally take responsibility for causing drama (but there’s more to come later)
- E-mails proving my innocence, that Tracy lied in 2010, that I respected boundaries, and that I asked for a “signal”
- Richard mansplains me, denies that his friends sexually harassed me, and refuses to respect my wishes
- Without warning or explanation, tensions build as Richard and Tracy both begin acting like lunatics
- I begin to wonder if the Richard I know–is real or a fake persona
- Richard decides I’m no longer worth his time or respect–because of POLITICS–as he gets into the TEA Party
- Richard goes off the deep end and disses us for not buying into his extreme right-wing politics
- Richard grows distant and Tracy’s insane jealousy flares up
- Richard rips into me publicly and I suspect our friendship is all a fake
- I feel increasing coldness from Richard and Tracy as I “unfriend” their Republican candidates and “friend” Obama and Feingold
- Time to scapegoat me into thinking I’m the problem–and I realize my “BFF” is a fraud
- I confront Richard with how he’s been treating me–so he stonewalls me and threatens to beat up my husband
- Resolution: I apologize–and write the fateful e-mail about the fateful hugs
- Part One: Tracy’s narcissistic rage against me–but I am innocent of all her charges
- Part Two: Tracy enjoys verbally abusing me, then tries to silence me–so I tell everyone
- Part Three: Jeff’s WTF moment: Judas (Richard) knows I’m innocent, but psychotically rages at Jeff
- Part Four: Their DARVO lies lead us to break off relations with our abusers
- Why we should tell everyone we have been abused
- E-Mails to Friends About the Incident, written in first two months
- 1. To Mike and my mother
- 2. E-mails describing pain of breaking up with a close friend
- 3. E-mails spilling all the abuse, to my closest friends
- 4. E-mails to Todd describing what happened
- Why we should not be forced to befriend a BFF’s abusive spouse
- Why I refused to “confer” with Tracy–and how Richard betrayed me
- Tracy refused to accept the NVLD and introversion–but they are real
- Resolving conflict: The difference between friends and frenemies
- I send an apology–and we’re all blocked on Facebook
- Struggling to process what the F**K just happened
- E-mail to Mike: processing my pain
- Pondering forgiveness vs. giving in to the dark vortex
- Shock: Richard and Tracy at my church
- About Richard justifying Tracy’s verbal abuse because I am shy and quiet
- The monster comes back out: Tracy punishes me for long-dead issues
- How Tracy’s e-mails displayed narcissism
- I suggest a six-month break
- I refuse to give in to Tracy’s emotional blackmail
- Tracy blamed others for her abuse
- Tracy tried to force me to submit to her abuse
- Grief over losing my best and closest friend–for no good reason
- Written 2010: Grief over being falsely accused
- Written 2010/2011: Grief over being abused–and the abuser getting away with it
- Written 2010/2011: I see Tracy hanging out of the window of their minivan, like a crazy woman
- Written 2011: Grief that my abusers kept coming to my church but not apologizing to me
- Blog Post for my friends: Fighting the Darkness (Written in February 2011)
- Can we destroy something God put in place?
- An old friend shows me that Richard and Tracy were deceivers, never friends
- The long, dark night of my soul as I doubt God exists–because my spiritual mentor betrayed me
- I start doubting Tracy was ever truly a Christian–so it’s okay to separate myself from her fellowship
- Grief felt on 6/12/11
- 2011 Facebook post: Original form of Losing Your Best Friend?–Or, Narcissistic Webs
- Describing Richard’s narcissism
- Realizing how Richard manipulated me into doing things I shouldn’t
- Was Richard’s betrayal driven by Narcissism–or Stockholm Syndrome?
- Tracy: a woman who abuses a man
- Richard’s lack of action made him a passive abuser
- Fear of it all happening again with new friends–but relief as well
- Written early or mid 2011: working through the grief, pain and anger
- How Richard and Tracy’s views on parenting are wrong
- Running into Richard and Tracy at church/the store/Greekfest a year later
- Introduction to this section: Richard’s Criminal Charges
- UPDATE 7/26/11: Richard is charged with abusing his daughter; I report them to CPS
- UPDATE 9/14/11: I learn that Richard choked his daughter
- UPDATE 10/4/11: Richard is convicted of choking his daughter
- UPDATE 10/23/11: After his conviction, Richard comes to my church