Month: September 2010

E-Mails Describing pain of breaking up with a close friend

I wrote to Mike,

Another former friend [Todd] of [Richard and Tracy] sympathizes.  He also found himself at the mercy of the wife’s temper.  He stayed with them for a little while a few years ago.

He knows how hard she is to deal with, and that what she says, goes.  When she goes off on you, she is brutal.  And my (former) friend [Richard] stands with her rather than trying to buffer things.

I don’t know how many friends he’s already lost because of his wife, but we’re not the only ones.

He’s told me of others, that people will say they can’t be friends with him anymore because of her, that he’s had friends who were at “war” with her.

She comes from a very abusive home, you see, and some of the traits were passed along to her.

My (former) friend is well aware of these things….And she keeps chasing his friends away.  If it weren’t for her, I would never have given up my friend.

Fine, my friend “Richard.”  I might as well say it [his name], now that you won’t ever be meeting him and he won’t be on my Facebook page anymore.

I had to deal with two very hard breakups in college.  You weren’t around for the first one.  Each were hard in their own way, the first because it was a new experience and I didn’t know what to do.  In both cases, I thought I’d be with this guy forever.

I see that breaking up with a friend is much the same as breaking up with a boyfriend: It hurts. 

Your heart aches when you see something that reminds you of your friend. If you’ve been together a while, then practically everything you see, hear (such as songs) or do will remind you of them for a while.

You have movies you watched, songs you enjoyed, TV shows you watched together, even grocery stores or restaurants that you went to together. Even going to church reminds you of that person if you went to the same church. 

My very faith reminds me of him because he helped lead me into it and I thought (briefly) about making him my godfather.  [He offered, I had already thought about it, but he’s my age and the opposite sex, so I thought it wouldn’t be a good idea.]

Every other time we had a problem, we’d talk on the phone or in person or by chat or e-mail and make it all better.  But that won’t be happening this time.

He was my confidant about so many things, so many problems I was dealing with, like when my parents were having problems and my dad (we thought) had left my mom.

And now he’s gone, not because he wanted to be–Jeff says he wanted to work things out [at least, that’s what he said, though he didn’t act like it]–but because Jeff and I looked at each other and realized we had to end it.

I suppose in time I’ll get past it like I did my breakups with exes.  But I’ve only had to break off one other friendship in my whole life, and that was with someone who had, himself, treated me horribly [Shawn].

I never before had to break up with a friend because of who they were married to.  Friends are supposed to be there forever. Even if they fade away, you’re supposed to be able to get in touch with them again years later and it’s like they never left.

I have to send this e-mail off without checking it for errors, because I had a hard time getting through the writing of it…  🙁

On the 13th, I wrote to Jeff,

Had a thought…. The thought struck me today….

When I think of all the gaffes Richard has made, things I’ve witnessed and that he’s told me about….We discussed them and moved passed them calmly and rationally, and forgave. 

I make one and I’m treated like the Antichrist. Can we say unfair?

Jeff replied,

Indeed. It seems we live with a different definition of ‘friend’ than they do.

Table of Contents 

1. Introduction

2. We share a house 

3. Tracy’s abuse turns on me 

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children 

5. My frustrations mount 

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

 
8. The Incident

9. The fallout; a second chance?

10. Grief 

11. Struggle to regain normalcy

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13. Conclusion 

13b. Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary

14. Updates on Richard’s Criminal Charges 

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing

 

E-Mails to Friends About the Incident, written in first two months

I wrote to my friend Mike, in whom I had been confiding,

Things are at an end now with my friend and me.  Mistakes were made and the wife said all sorts of angry things that showed how she REALLY feels about me.  I don’t understand how somebody can be so venomous.

It also makes me wish that, knowing as he probably did how she felt, instead of making me endure the agony of constantly trying to be friendly with her when I was afraid of her temper, the years of tears over finding out she’s upset over something I thought was resolved or okay–I really wish he had just ended the friendship a few years ago.

He and Jeff had hoped to try to get things smoothed over, and told me to lie low for a few days.  But she came out with such nastiness [the second e-mail she sent Jeff] that told me no, it’s time to go.

And now I feel so lonely and heartbroken, wishing I had a friend here in Fond du Lac who could take my friend’s place.  Preferably a woman.  😛

I wrote to my mother,

I don’t know if [my brother or niece] has mentioned anything, since I vented about it a bit on Facebook.  But things are at an end between Richard’s family and mine.  I’ve told you before about the troubles I had with Tracy.  They just got to a boiling point and became intolerable.

Just when I’d think everything was fine, I’d discover that she was still mad at me.  She’s been snipping and snapping at me for months just for little things I wrote on Facebook, or for taking a bag of sunscreen and bugspray with me when we sat outside on Memorial Day.

I wrote an e-mail that she misunderstood and now I realize that it was easy to misunderstand (even Jeff misunderstood it), but Richard should’ve been able to explain it to her.  If she had only asked, I could’ve explained it to her.

But no, she just went on a rampage and said it was time for us all to sit down and have a “conference” while she, essentially, yelled and screamed at me.  She said the friendship wasn’t over, we just needed to have this conference while she said things she’d wanted to say for a long time.

So Jeff and I both said, NO.  There will be no conference. This friendship is OVER.

Something about my personality must rub her the wrong way, because she says she has all these terrible grievances against me–things which are far worse than the fact that she swore at me–but I always tried to be nice to her.

I gave her things like lilies or tomatoes, said she looked pretty, invited her to come over some time to watch a movie, paid her electric bill once, joked with her, laughed about husbands with her, watched her kids, told Jeff when she needed a ride because their car broke down yet again, etc.

But apparently I was just horrible to her somehow.  I just don’t get it at all.  Neither does Jeff, who has nearly always been there whenever I was with her.

Neither does anybody he vents about it to.  They’re like, “Nyssa?  Why would anybody have a problem with Nyssa?  She’s not offensive!”  [One person was shocked that anybody would cuss at me like that.]

She blew up at me via e-mail and told me not to go “crying to Jeff,” told Jeff about it, he tried to calm her down and make apologies and stuff (since I was advised to lie low), she got even worse.  In the end, Jeff and I looked at each other and decided simultaneously, we can’t do this anymore.

We’re both heartbroken, me because I lost my best friend (Richard) after all the effort I’ve put into this friendship, Jeff because he thought our friendship was worth far more than to just let us walk away.

What did Tracy say when Jeff went over to tell them it was over and get some books I lent Richard?  “Give him the books so we can get back to our movie.”  ?!?!?!?!

We’re not the first friends she’s driven off.  We’re not even the second.  We wonder how long it’ll be before Richard realizes that she’s driving his friends away left and right.  They’ve only been married for several years and this has happened.

We’re going to miss the girls.  Our son probably will, too.  He’s always loved playing with them and making them little presents.

I’m heartbroken that Richard would let her get like this with me, that he keeps letting her drive off his friends. 

I thought our friendship meant more to him than that.  He once said I was the most awesome person he knew. 

But he just let his wife turn into a shrew and drive me away.  While he enabled it and listened to her and just would not listen to me.

Because of friend loyalty I didn’t want to breathe a word of this to anyone besides Jeff, before.  But they are FILTHY housekeepers.

Every time I went over there, I had to clean the bathroom floor and toilet seat and part of the toilet before I could even go to the bathroom!

[Jeff saw the filth, too, and made sure to never sit down when he used their toilet.]

And there was no wastebasket in there [to throw away the filthy paper after I cleaned the toilet seat, so I had to flush it].

And when her mother (who’s worse than her, I hear) [that refers to the BPD] comes over to visit and starts cleaning the filth, they get furious with her.

And the way Tracy treats those kids and Richard is just terrible.  I won’t be calling social services because that would just be vindictive.  But I am glad to not be dealing with THAT anymore….

Imagine what it was like for me trying to keep the mess at bay while they were here, while they just let their clothes pile up on the floor despite the clothes basket I bought.

It took me at least a week to clean up the house after they left.  And a cockroach came along with them.  Fortunately, the cockroach has long since disappeared.

Her family is so screwed up that I wonder if there’s something wrong with [Tracy] mentally. 

[Her mother had mental problems, and I did not yet know about narcissist and borderline personality disorders, which would both explain Tracy’s behavior.]

Based on what she wrote on her Facebook page right before I deleted and blocked her from my friends list, she’s probably feeling absolutely wonderful and telling her family how she finally said things that “needed to be said.” 

Yeah, whatever, lady.  And now you’re alone without the friends who would do anything for your family and once moved heaven and earth to [get money we didn’t have, to do a thing, that prevented catastrophe in her family].

I’m without a best friend in Fond du Lac now, and that’s lonely.  But we’re trying to reconnect with some people so we won’t be lonely for long.

Catherine’s husband has crazy work schedules, which is the only reason we don’t see them much, since it’s hard to accommodate them with a young child who needs an 8:30 bedtime.  We’re trying to see them again.

And my friend Mike still e-mails me and chats with me on Facebook.  Clarissa and Astrid sometimes do as well.  Sharon doesn’t have Internet, so she rarely shows up, but we were supposed to be getting together this summer.  I thought Richard was my bestest friend ever (besides Jeff, of course), but I guess these are far better.

Jeff is very supportive–well, heck, we’re going through this together….

Richard would tell me that screaming at kids is necessary, but his kids don’t even do housework when they’re told.  Our son needs only a list of chores written on a little slate each morning, and off he goes to do them.

So our household is nice and peaceful, and we’re leaning on each other through this.

I talked with Mike on Facebook chat around July 4, 2010.  I told him how Tracy would smack Richard around

and that Richard said if she ever hit his face, he’d say she’s no longer a woman, and hit back. 

Mike said things like, “Why would you want to be friends with them?  These people are TOXIC!” 

I told him how Tracy abused the kids, so he–a pastor and, at one time, a worker in a domestic violence shelter–urged me to report them. 

I said, “I don’t want to be vindictive.” 

He replied, “Don’t let friendship be more important than those children!”

Table of Contents 

1. Introduction

2. We share a house 

3. Tracy’s abuse turns on me 

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children 

5. My frustrations mount 

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

 
8. The Incident

9. The fallout; a second chance?

10. Grief 

11. Struggle to regain normalcy

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13. Conclusion 

13b. Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary

14. Updates on Richard’s Criminal Charges 

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing

 

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