Month: June 2011

Tracy: a woman who abuses a man

[This was originally posted as a note on my Facebook on June 9, 2011.  The ending paragraph was moved here.]

Why I loathe feminism… and believe it will ultimately destroy the family by Erin Pizzey, is actually about abuse, not so much about feminism:

The point she makes is that women are just as capable of abuse as men, and many feminists were demonizing men and glorifying women.  She got abuse from both her mother and her father, different kinds.

I don’t agree that feminism will destroy the family.  But I post this anyway for the larger point it makes.

I post to raise awareness because too many men are succumbing to Stockholm Syndrome or feeling too scared to leave their abusive wives.  Then the abuse is carried on to the next generation.

I’ve seen this stuff firsthand, and how the abusers can screw up not only the lives in their own families, but the people orbiting around them.

We need to be there so that when the abused man or child escapes, they can also escape the destructive message of the abuser: “You deserve this!”

A year ago, I was ripped to shreds verbally, completely undeserved, by a woman, while both I and my husband were told that I should just accept it as my due.

We were treated like there was something wrong with us for thinking verbal abuse could never be justified.  We were treated like I should just take all the cussing and character assassination being thrown at me.

I was told I should “grow up” and accept “responsibility” for the abuser not being able to hold her own tongue and temper.

We were accused of throwing an “olive branch” back in their faces, an olive branch that never existed, because we preferred ending the “friendship” to staying with someone who refuses to acknowledge her own part in things and apologize for her harshness.

We were told that I somehow deserved it, had somehow done worse than she did, when all I did was keep my distance from someone who was constantly mean to me, who had gotten a lot meaner in the past few months.

We were told that 99% of women would react even worse than the abuser did.  We were told this not just by the abuser, but by her husband, who was supposed to be my best friend.

My husband was actually physically intimidated and threatened over the course of a few days by this supposed “best friend.”  And I got the impression that much had been held back from me over the years I thought we were “best friends.”

The emotional damage is devastating.  Imagine this happening to a child who can’t break up with her mother.  Imagine this happening to a man who feels societal pressure to stay with his abusive wife.

Help change society’s views so that men have a place to turn to!  He stays because he feels he has no choice, while the children grow up believing this is “normal” behavior in a marriage and in life!

Don’t let another generation grow up believing that tantrums and abuse are the way to solve problems!

Quotes from the above link:

Once again, she was unleashing her peculiar brand of emotional cruelty, and placing all the responsibility – and guilt – on me. It was a pattern of behaviour I would witness again and again among some of the women in my refuge.

But despite his clumsy, predictable form of macho brutality – born out of his being the 17th child of a violent Irish father – it was my mother’s more emotional, verbal form of abuse that scarred me most deeply.

She indulged in a particular kind of soul murder – and it was her cruelty that, even 60 years on, still reduces me to tears and leaves me convinced that feminism is a cynical, misguided ploy.

While I don’t agree with her about feminism, I do understand where she’s coming from, and I, too, resist any kind of feminism that portrays men as monsters and women as longsuffering victims.  It goes both ways.

I was, on reflection, following my mother’s unspoken orders. Remarkably, she had manipulated me to such a degree that I was now willing to murder for her.

It’s amazing how a narcissist can so twist you and manipulate you that you’ll do anything for him, believe anything he tells you, so you end up taking the fall for him, for his own deeds and lies.

By now, he was trying to force my mother to sign her money – she had received a sizeable inheritance from her father – over to him.

Week after week, in the local cottage hospital, she refused, and week after week, he ranted and raved at her while she writhed in pain. I begged the nurses to stop him, but they said no one could come between a man and his wife.

And that’s why people stand by and watch instead of speaking up: They think it’s not their place.  Or because when they did speak up, the abuse turned on them.

I only decided to talk about my traumatic childhood last week – on a BBC radio programme called The House Where I Grew Up – but I decided long ago I would not repeat the toxic lessons I learned as a child. Instead, I would become a survivor.

Harriet Harman’s insidious and manipulative philosophy that women are always victims and men always oppressors can only continue this unspeakable cycle of violence. And it’s our children who will suffer.

Table of Contents 

1. Introduction

2. We share a house 

3. Tracy’s abuse turns on me 

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children 

5. My frustrations mount 

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

 
8. The Incident

9. The fallout; a second chance?

10. Grief 

11. Struggle to regain normalcy

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13. Conclusion 

13b. Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary

14. Updates on Richard’s Criminal Charges 

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing

 

Three things that scare me….

[This was originally a Facebook post.]

While the whole Weiner scandal is funny (and my son got into a giggle fit today when Jeff and I were talking about it and he heard the name Weiner), it has brought up some bad memories for me.

Two years ago this month, I was subjected to sexual harassment in an IRC chat (a bunch of people together in various channels in a Web chat).

They said foul, lewd, disgusting things to me and then told me to post a pic of something private [my genitals].  I refused.  I only stayed as long as I did because a friend was in there and you can only chat with people in IRC who you can find online at the same time as you.

The kicker: These jerks were *friends*, *friends!* of a couple that Jeff and I had befriended online and who came to Fond du Lac a few years ago to find a better life [Richard and Tracy].

Richard saw the whole thing.  Then Tracy came into the chat, I thought she’d chew them out, but instead she started laughing and joking with them!

They told her I was being a b**** because I wouldn’t post this pic; she said, “You know how hobbits are.”  (My Web handle refers to hobbits.)  Then she started planning with them a get-together at her house!

A year later, they still hung out with these people online, still occasionally brought them up in conversation, still talked about get-togethers with them.

I was disgusted by this, thought they should have cut ties with these people right then, but only asked Richard, my “BFF,” to stop bringing them up around me.

Not only did he say no in a nasty e-mail, but he complained about things like, “You mean my wife can’t mention J– in conversation?” etc. etc.  He told me I was being “ridiculous,” I should “get over it,” “It’s on the Internet: It isn’t real! I thought you understood that!”

These jackasses are no longer our friends, not just because of this but because of other things they did [to me] that were so terrible I can’t believe anybody would do that to a friend.

But then I should believe it, because I saw them do the same thing to another friend [Todd] two years previous, someone Richard had been friends with for *6 years.*

The three things that scare me:

1) Richard wants to be an Orthodox priest.  He is a narcissist.  He refuses to listen to the other point of view.  He has no concept of what it takes to settle arguments and preserve friendships.

His wife is very abusive to her children, to Richard, and to many others.  She would be the priest’s wife if he gets ordained and assigned to a parish.

2) Their sweet and beautiful little girls are growing up in this environment.

3) My church and their church are both in dire straits, and discussing merging for the survival of both.  For months I have only seen them occasionally when one of them is driving past.  But this would mean seeing them.  Often.

I don’t know if Richard was always like this but presented me with a sweet, gentle, awesome front that made me think he was better than he really was.

Or if something happened over the last year of our “friendship” that changed him from my BFF to a horrible person who knew I’m very sensitive, yet allowed his wife to scream nasty accusations and horrible, filthy language at me over a *misunderstanding* over something that HE DID.

But I do know that I do not want him in my priesthood, and I do not want them to darken my door again, and I do not want them to be in my church again.

It was bad enough seeing him there at Christmastime and watching them take the Eucharist.  It made me want to puke.

Online sexual harassment IS real.  Narcissists are real and they can break you apart.

Sometimes the wrong people become priests, but they’re so charming that nobody realizes it until it’s too late.

I made this extra Facebook account so I could talk about these things among my closest friends without worrying that mutual friends of these jerks will see it.  Because I needed to hide away.

My church board is supposed to be making the decision about the church’s future very soon, if they haven’t already.  Let’s hope and pray they don’t decide on a merge.  I’m beginning to wonder if I should write my godmother and ask her to change the vote I made in a parish poll taken several months ago.

Jeff is waiting to hear back about a position in M–.  I told him that even though moving in this economy (we own a condo) would be a huge pain, it would mean I could get out of the city where these jerks live, and away from a church where they might one day start going every week.

I don’t have high hopes for this one anymore because we haven’t heard anything yet, but who knows.

Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary of friendship crash and burn

I’m thinking of celebrating the first anniversary of 7/1/10, to help me deal with it.  Sure it still hurts to see what I thought was a wonderful, close, lifelong friendship (Richard) crash and burn in betrayal and verbal violence.

But I have no regrets for having kicked Tracy out of my life.  I’m much happier not being forced to talk to her, not being forced to see her name on my Facebook feed or IRC channel, not cringing every time I hear her voice.

I don’t want to ever see her again.  And allowing myself to be beaten down internally over the crap she flung at me would be a crime.

Table of Contents 

1. Introduction

2. We share a house 

3. Tracy’s abuse turns on me 

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children 

5. My frustrations mount 

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

 
8. The Incident

9. The fallout; a second chance?

10. Grief 

11. Struggle to regain normalcy

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13. Conclusion 

13b. Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary

14. Updates on Richard’s Criminal Charges 

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing