Tracy crazy-makes me
Warning: The following summarizes and vents a period of narcissistic abuse and mind control.
In June 2009, Richard said all his other friends could do all the things for which Tracy got mad at me.
Then Richard finally signaled me in late 2009/early 2010 that all these restrictions of the past had been removed. This made me believe that I had finally met her requirements and anything I did was perfectly fine with her now.
To explain, because it would be too embarrassing to keep asking if I had met them yet, I asked him to signal me that I had. The signal was to ask me to coffee/ice cream/etc., one of those things that had been forbidden. I told him the signal would mean that I was allowed to do all the things all his other friends could do.
He wrote back that “She knows about the hugs and the whatnot. It’s all good.” Basically, everything that was okay for him to do with other friends, such as hugs, he could do with me.
Then one night, he asked me to go get sushi with him. I wasn’t able to because it was frickin’ midnight. But he would not have done this if it were still forbidden. I told him to (except for such a late hour) just give me a day/time, but he apparently forgot about it.
It was a huge relief, and made me jubilant to know that I had finally satisfied all her requirements and could do all the things with him that any of his other friends could do, with her blessing.
We could hug, we could go out for coffee, whatever; it was all okay with the wife. And I have it in writing.
So the way she acted in late spring/early summer 2010 (snarks, jealousy, narcissistic rage over hugs) just came out of nowhere, and was obviously her trying to make me crazy.
I got the strong impression that Richard had never explained the truth to her. That even in July 2010 (the day of the blowup/breakup), he preferred to let her rage at me over an e-mail about something which (he convinced me) had been harmless (the hugs of gratitude), rather than tell her the truth and get raged at himself.
Either that, or she was engaging in gaslighting and classic crazy-making behavior, with which abusers are okay with something one day, then the next they get mad at you for it.
In any case, I don’t really know anymore what to believe, because I see my SCA friends doing exactly the same things and everybody thinks it’s perfectly fine.
And Richard really should not have done/asked me to do things which Tracy would not approve of, and then told me not to worry about his intentions.
Richard told me numerous times that hugs were perfectly fine with her. We hugged in front of her many times because of his reassurances.
On July 1, 2010, she now raged at me over the hugs of gratitude.
The hugs I referred to in my e-mail to Richard, were done out in the parking lot for all the neighbors to see. I thought for sure that Jeff saw us out the kitchen window.
I felt no shame from the hugs, no need to hide them from anyone, because they were purely platonic expressions of friendship, platonic love and gratitude.
In fact, I kept expecting that one day Richard would give me one of these hugs right in front of Tracy and she would be perfectly fine with it, because he said hugs were okay with her.
There was absolutely nothing wrong or illicit in what I wrote in my e-mail to Richard, no professions of passionate love, nothing to justify how she reacted.
It was all her own imagination, reading things in that were not there, because of her insecurity and possessiveness.
My e-mail was part of a series of e-mails Richard and I had been exchanging since an argument several days previous, and we were now patching things up. I was trying to remind him of how nice he used to be, because he’d been so mean to me lately.
I expected the e-mail to make him happy, that he would reply with an “Awww, yes, I remember that.” I often say sweet things like this to friends, male and female, and normally it pleases them.
But even Richard noted previously that Tracy was a jealous person in general, and how it affected him and lost him friendships.
In her rage over this e-mail, Tracy went on and on about how I should have known better than to do various things without “befriending” her first.
But once again, she obviously considered me a friend now or Richard would not have asked me to get sushi with him.
And they were all things that Richard had first done with me, several times for each thing (sleeping on my shoulder, going out for ice cream, hugs of gratitude), with no indication that they had to be cleared with her first.
But she made them out to be my idea from the beginning, treated me like some whore for even thinking of doing them, and gave Richard no responsibility at all for any of them.
Even though he influenced me with his smooth talk into thinking he did nothing wrong.
She twisted these things beyond recognition into some kind of dirty, sneaky cheating. She screamed about how I did not understand “boundaries.”
Um, I think you need to say this to Richard, not me. I’m not the one with the boundary problem. I merely followed his lead as he reassured me what he did was perfectly okay and not cheating at all.
But he threw me under the bus, allowing her to rage at me and even telling Jeff she was going “easy” on me.
When he knew DANG well that he was letting her tear into me over something that had been his own idea, something that he himself convinced me was perfectly innocent.
When he himself had committed two gaffes that I knew about, one of which had caused at least as big of an uproar, something he said or did that had been completely misunderstood by an ex-girlfriend.
His betrayal left me reeling.
I was now being falsely accused of something I had not and had never done, yet she refused to believe otherwise. In fact, as I said, Richard himself had done these hugs I referred to.
If she had only behaved like an adult and inquired into the truth before blowing up in a narcissistic/borderline rage like a toddler throwing a tantrum, she would’ve found this out.
Borderline personality disorder leads to seeing offense where there is none, and volatile behavior. So she saw things I did in innocence, without meaning to offend her, things which had nothing to do with her normally, as offensive to her. And she blew up in irrational, manipulative rages.
I can say this because I am not the only one. She has done this to Richard–and I have witnessed her doing it.
Two years earlier, I and an entire forum witnessed her blowing up at mutual friend Todd. She refused to believe that he did not do what she accused him of–even though it was quite plain from the original chat logs and forum posts that she completely misunderstood what he actually did.
She probably did this out of spite because he, too, saw her as abusive and avoided her. In those chat logs and forum posts, others also grew exasperated as they tried to intervene and reason with her.
Add that to:
- her very obvious overreaction to my wishing Richard a fun trip etc.
- her smacking a tiny 3-year-old hard on the back of her head
- her screaming at one of the kids for tucking her pantlegs into her snowboots (poor girl only did what you’re supposed to do in this climate)
- her blowing up at the kids just out of nowhere one day, and yelling and grabbing and spanking them for no reason at all
- and her hanging half out of a moving vehicle going 30 miles an hour one day
–and I have every reason to believe that her reaction to what I did was that of a narcissist or borderline.
Especially since my own husband saw nothing wrong with what I did, and got furious with her for how she treated me over it.
Note that borderline can co-exist with narcissistic personality disorder. While a borderline who is not narcissistic can recognize his or her own bad behaviors, and apologize and work to change them, a borderline who is also a narcissist is more likely to abuse you without remorse.
While a personality disorder can explain why a person behaves a certain way, abuse can be perpetrated by anyone, and must not be tolerated, no matter what the reason. Especially if the abuser feels no remorse.
I never noted a hint of remorse from Tracy for her abuses.
And also note that it’s very common for abusers, after they’ve abused you, to claim that they somehow went “easy” on you and that everyone else would have treated you much worse for your “misdeed.”
And to feel pleased and relieved that they have abused you, and act like it was nothing.
Linda’s owner, in “Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl,” did this to her.
Richard and Tracy made that very same claim about Tracy’s overreaction and verbal abuse to me, saying “99%” of people would’ve reacted worse, even though I did not do what she pretended I did.
But when Jeff asked some friends how they would have reacted to the same thing, they all said they would merely have teased me mercilessly and then moved on, because that’s what friends do.
I certainly refuse to be lectured about “boundaries” and “appropriate behavior” by someone who constantly violated my boundaries and constantly behaved inappropriately to me. She talked as if she had never approved anything, even though she obviously had or Richard would not have asked me to go get sushi with him!
Right before the blowup that ended the friendship, Richard tried to tell me that I don’t have NVLD because NVLD=Asperger’s and I’m not autistic–
Dang it, NVLD is not autism! NVLD is also not Asperger’s! Asperger’s and NVLD are similar in many ways, but they’re not the same!
Then on the day of the blowup Tracy started ripping on the NVLD as well as if I were just making it up and had no actual social issues. This is bullying! It shows a huge lack of empathy on both their parts, and a refusal to even consider another point of view to their own.
Jeff’s response to Tracy’s behavior through all this: “No, Tracy does not get her way!”