Tracy refuses to allow cool-down period or apologize for verbal abuse
Warning: The following summarizes and vents a period of narcissistic abuse and mind control.
Making a complete, permanent break was rough on me because I missed Richard. Though Jeff and I made the break ourselves, I was miserable, constantly crying and dragging through the days.
My solution was to take a six-month, amicable break, and come at things after we all had a chance to cool down. But this wasn’t good enough for Tracy.
This was a full month past the breakup, when they came to my church, and I took this as a possible sign they wanted to make peace. I discussed things for a bit with Richard, and it looked promising.
But in discussions later on with Tracy, I discovered that a month was not long enough for her to cool down one iota.
Now, most people would probably regret quick tempers and yelling at good friends, and apologize after a month. But not Tracy.
Apparently she wanted to have her chance to yell at me for being different from her, for being naturally shy and quiet, for believing her to be an abuser and a bully instead of a sweet, wonderful person surrounded by flowers and bunnies.
Well, Jeff wasn’t about to let that happen. He was sick of her abusing his sweet wife.
My priest said the idea for a break was very wise. Jeff was also on board with it.
But instead of taking the break, Tracy replied with a nasty e-mail saying,
“Have a nice life,” that I threw their “olive branch back in our faces,” and that I know where they live if I decide to “GROW UP and stop feeling hurt over the consequences of YOUR behavior.”
Essentially, making it clear:
- That I was not allowed to object to her nastiness and false accusations or have an opinion of my own.
- That she felt no regret whatsoever for abusing and bullying me.
- That she still blamed her lack of self-control on me.
- That I was not even allowed to be friends with Richard until I capitulated to her demands and agreed with her.
Essentially, she was extremely manipulative. My priest said that her response proved the true nature of her friendship.
My priest also said, “WHAT olive branch?”
Um, I’m the one who extended an olive branch, they dug in their heels, and then she threw it back at me.
Forcing me to submit to her abuse or else, and not letting me have a voice or opinion of my own, is her idea of an olive branch?
So even a month later, she still showed no signs of repentance, no acceptance of responsibility for her own part in things, no connection of our breaking off the friendship to her own rage episode.
All I saw was that she threw a huge temper tantrum and then, when Jeff and I reacted like grownups–breaking things off rather than engaging in a long, drawn-out crap-slinging fest–she accused us of having the tantrum and needing to grow up.
Say what? Have I toppled into Opposite Land?
In fact, both of them minimized her rage episode and pointed their fingers at me as being to blame for her lack of control–
as she took no responsibility whatsoever for her own bad behavior, and he enabled her abuse.
I was dismayed at her lack of repentance, but so desperate to regain my friendship with Richard that I almost gave in.
When at first she thought she was going to get victory and control over me at last, her sadistic pleasure was so obvious you could almost taste it.
But then I suggested the break, and she lost her control–and what remained of her composure.
She accused me of needing to “GROW UP” because I didn’t just roll over and say, “Thank you, ma’am, may I have another?” It was absolutely bizarre–and classic abusive behavior.
The only way to pacify her and satisfy her was to:
- beg forgiveness for all the “bad” things I supposedly did (even though they really weren’t so bad)
- accept all her abuse of me as deserved
- and become a totally different person who is never shy or quiet, and turns a blind eye when she abuses others.
I’d have to break down the shell I put up to protect myself after seeing her rage against others–and hearing how she raged about me when I wasn’t around.
Her gaslighting and scapegoating of me was sometimes subtle, but constant; I saw her do it to others as well.
The friendship breakup was because of her, not because of Richard.
It’s because of her that I had to leave to repair the psychological damage and restore/protect myself, because of her that I can’t go back.
Good riddance to her! I don’t miss her one bit, don’t regret having her no longer in my life.
If this were just about her, I’d have been over the grief a long time ago, would merely be working on the complex post-traumatic stress disorder that she caused.
If this were just about her, I’d shake off her poisonous words and move on.
Her friends may not want to believe it, because she can turn on the charm when she chooses, but she is indeed a predator. I witnessed her rages against me and against others far too often.
I will never let her back into my life: It’s hard enough trying to undo all the damage she’s already done, without letting her do more of it.