Articles from May 2012
Richard & Tracy Have Been Banned.
[This was posted May 25, 2012. The blog was only “scrubbed” for a very short time, then it all went back up again.]
I blocked their IP so they couldn’t keep coming here, which they’ve been doing 3 or 4 times a day, all week long, just looking but not saying a word, and really starting to creep me out.
But I’m still keeping the place scrubbed for the time being. In the mean time, enjoy my other tales of my experiences: NVLD and My College Memoirs: Life at Roanoke: Or, how NVLD affected my life.
…And now they’ve been proven to be stalking me. I told them not to contact me, to leave me alone, so they formed a fake account on Facebook just so they could send me a nasty e-mail.
It’s the typical abusive e-mail: blame the victim, try to make the victim seem like the crazy one, threats, deny, minimize, justify, isolate the victim from support, etc. etc.
They turned things around to make me sound like the bully, just like she verbally abused me on 7/1/10 and then claimed to be the “victim.”
And they’re laughing at my pain.
Yet I have online court records, the things I witnessed, the things they themselves told me, chat logs, e-mails, to prove that I’m not lying. As for speculation–It’s easy to tell what parts are speculation. They are gaslighting me again, trying to make me think I haven’t seen what I’ve seen, or know what I know.
And I think they have a much broader idea of the range of this blog than it actually has: It’s just a small-time blog with small numbers, which is not advertised in the wall of my Facebook account, and appears to have had no pageviews at all from the one mutual friend since long before any of the abuse story blog posts went up.
Very few people have actually read any of it, and apparently not anyone Richard or Tracy know; there is absolutely no record in Google Analytics or in the Blogger tracker of any of their friends having read it since any of this was posted.
Most of the blog posts in question had no more than maybe 15-30 hits, if even that, before they started clicking on them. But I’ve taken everything down anyway. [Update 2/16/14: This was only temporary. I put everything back up shortly thereafter.]
And I spoke to the police about the e-mail they sent me, put it on file that I received this, and what happened.
Why did they even come here, spying on the means I used, the means I have always used, a very effective means, to get various abuse and bullying experiences out of my system? The College Memoirs posts finally got those experiences out of my system; this one was finally going out as well, when Richard and Tracy decided to poop all over it.
They actually had the nerve to accuse me of “threatening” them because I told them if they bullied me again, I would tell again. Oh, gee, the victim isn’t supposed to speak up about bullying? Yeah, I get it.
And they got after me for telling them to stay away from me, from my church, said that they would now start coming all the time because of that. So I don’t get to set boundaries, tell the bully to leave me alone? Yeah, I get it.
This e-mail only proves my point yet again. If they were normal people who actually cared about others, they wouldn’t have sent this e-mail. They wouldn’t sit there and say they did nothing wrong.
They would say they were sorry. They would realize that they overreacted, were too hard on me. Heck, things never would’ve gotten like this in the first place, because on the first day or two after such a blowup, they would’ve calmed down and apologized for getting nasty.
But their response proves that they are indeed narcissists and bullies, who care only about their own selves, not anybody else or the consequences of their rages. Even though their actions caused me severe psychological and spiritual trauma and damage, they still insist they will not apologize because they “did nothing wrong.”
They’re just like “The Avenger,” who found the page of my College Memoirs about her, and even though some years had passed, still said, “You have an interesting perspective on what happened.” No apologies, nothing. Just ridicule.
And as I wrote on the first page of my website account, if they just look and laugh and make no apologies, then that’s childish and proves that they have no business coming back in our lives.
I had hoped that Richard was reading my blog posts and realizing just how badly he had treated me, that he was wrong, and was going to beg our forgiveness.
But sadly, no. I was severely deceived by his character. His true character is now glaring me in the face. And it is an ugly one.
I am DONE grieving for him, because his friendship was all a facade. True friends don’t treat you this way. They were just using us.
I wish so much that I had never heard of this person. That I had never invited him to live here. I was so, so very wrong to do this. I repent of it sorely.
Take my story as a precaution that you must be extremely careful how you meet any Internet friends in real life. Do not let them move in with you right away. Do not assume that their Internet persona is their real one.
Now I fear for my safety if I go to my own church, wonder if I will even be able to continue there, or will be chased out of it, because Richard and Tracy are threatening to show up at my church all the time now just to spite me, just out of hate!
And they are trying to bully me into silence yet again, just as they did when they told me, “Don’t go crying to Jeff, because we don’t need the headache.” It makes me wish I had held onto the e-mails they sent me two years ago, because I could use them for evidence for the police and the priest. [I still have some of them.]
Also see: Have I Confronted My Mother/Abuser with the Truth?
Update 6/24/16: For what I REALLY said, see these links, which prove I NEVER threatened them (except to say I’d go to the police if they threatened me):
–Password protected posts: here and here, password “thetruth”
–Related posts, here, here, here, and this section:
It’s been a struggle just keeping in the same denomination as they are, especially when they have demonstrated that they will still come to my church on occasion–meaning I can never consider them to be completely out of my life unless they relocate.
I came close to giving up on church because it reminded me too much of Richard, but I had too much strength in my beliefs to throw them away.
I sometimes feel that the only way I can truly go on in Orthodoxy is if they either apologize for their crimes, or leave me alone to disconnect the Orthodox Church from Richard.
Also a now-deleted section of one of my pages, which said,
I am no longer afraid of either you or Tracy, because the charges against you mean you are walking on very thin ice with the authorities, and you know it. If either of you even so much as leaves an angry message on my answering machine, I will report you immediately.
[Update 2/16/14:] This is related to the post Now I’m Being Stalked. I will NOT sticky-post “Stalked,” because that would mean going into it again and re-reading the threatening, DARVO e-mail sent by Tracy. This would still be bad for my emotional health; I went no-contact with these people for a reason, because Tracy has a “gift” to sear people with her words. So if you want to read it, go to the above link.
And especially see this, which is relevant to this e-mail I received–and to e-mails just like it which are sent to victims of abuse and narcissists, all over the world, all the time: One Mom’s Battle posts on the Narc Decoder, Reclaiming Your Power with the Narc Decoder
Another narc decoder post is here.
Excerpt from “Tojet”
A fairy tale for adults. A mysterious girl named Tojet appears in a convent-run school one day. Two teachers, Sister Elizabeth and oddly-named Merkit Terjit, take her under their care.
But is she a lost, imaginative orphan or a time traveler with fairy powers? How does she know who Merkit is and how he was named?
Tragedy drives her away, but she returns as a young, beautiful woman, far more mature than she should be. She shows Merkit a world of obsession and dark fairies.
He can’t help falling in love with her, but what about the monastic vows he’s about to take? Can he fight the temptations that surround him?
Available for purchase here and here. An excerpt:
The next morning, a Saturday, Merkit sat with Tojet in the kitchen after breakfast as Barb ran some light errands. He talked with Tojet about school, but she kept yawning.
“Didn’t you get enough sleep last night?” he said with a grimace that was supposed to be a smile.
“Well, no,” she said. “I came back too late in the night to get all my ten hours. I came back when the fairies woke me up. They said I’d fallen asleep, and should go to bed.”
“Fairies? You saw fairies?” Merkit crossed his arms to block a sudden chill.
“I want you to be my friend, so I want you to know everything about me,” she said. Her tone was matter-of-fact as she explained, as if every other child went to visit fairies across the ocean in another time every night. Yet as he listened to her story, Merkit felt as if he himself had been there, had gone to dance with the fairies, had gone to a fairy ring on a hill in the forest around Silva at midnight, had seen a full moon. . . .
There, a full moon shone through the treetops. Mushrooms sprouted up in the meadow in a ring large enough to fit a few human-sized fairies, if there were any. Tojet looked like a fairy herself in her white lace dress, the same she’d worn at their first meeting, so yes, there was one. Merkit leaned his arm against a tree trunk to watch. His cloak billowed down from his arm and around his shoulders in the evening breeze.
The moonlight couldn’t penetrate the trees of the surrounding wood, and lit only the little ring. Deer, squirrels, mice, and other animals crept up to the ring to watch the strange creatures, but moved no closer. Powder-scented, naked elves and pixies of both sexes danced inside the ring on the mild, May night. Their nakedness was no surprise: drawings and paintings often showed them that way. The fairies were of various sizes, some tiny and with butterfly wings, some larger and without wings. Fairy musicians with fairy flutes, lutes, panpipes, fiddles, harps, tambourines, cymbals, and jaw harps played reels and softer, sweeter melodies. Merkit wanted to join the leaping, spinning fairies, but Tojet called to him,
“Don’t come in the ring. You’ll have to join in if you do, and then you’ll get a wasting sickness, like consumption, or you’ll find out a century has gone by the time you get out again. Only I can join in, until you marry me–then you can, too.”
Some fairies left the dancing to find private spots in the darkness of the treetops and bushes. Tojet saw them go, but looked away again, ignoring them. When Merkit cried out in surprise, she looked at him.
“They’re fairies,” she said, shrugging, “not humans. I don’t think they keep that stuff between a man and his wife. They have totally different rules for what’s a sin and what’s not. For example, if you step in the ring, they think it’s right to make you dance till you get sick, because you broke the rules.” After unfastening and unbraiding her pigtails, she continued dancing.
Two blue cat-eyes appeared by a tree outside the ring, then the full-sized woman they belonged to. She was several inches taller than Merkit. Her middle-parted, blonde hair fell in both curls and tiny plaits to her knees. Two braids circled her head below a wreath made of leaves and lilies of the valley. Her slanted eyebrows, tiny nose, pointy ears, butterfly wings, and enchanting beauty showed her to be a fairy, probably the queen or princess of the fairies. She was also the only fairy wearing clothing. She wore a sleeveless, knee-length dress woven of gauzy, green spider silk, and only a small shift underneath. Queen Anne’s lace circled her wrists. She wore no shoes on her three-toed feet. She smelled like violets.
A fog filled Merkit’s mind until he forgot his own name. He forgot he was a married and God-fearing man. Who was he? What had he done, what had he been before this night? He shook his head, but couldn’t clear it. All he saw was the fairy queen. He wanted her with a primitive, nature-worshiping lust.
He forgot all his objections to the fairy behavior. The queen’s slight and perfect, small-breasted, curved figure beckoned to him. He forgot he’d ever even had a wife.
He forgot he’d ever been anywhere else but there in the forest. He forgot who Tojet was. The fairy queen’s red, Cupid’s bow mouth curled up in a seductive grin. He imagined taking her to the side of the ring and lying on the ground with her. He forgot Tojet’s warning. In his mind, he kissed every inch of her heart-shaped face and pointy chin, holding her tightly, but careful not to tear her delicate wings.
He shook off his fantasy. He stepped around the ring and toward her to kiss her and act it out. She put her arms around him, letting him kiss her and press his body against her.
“No!” blasted across the ring.
They both turned to Tojet. She glared at them with her cat-eyes. Her own childish beauty showed despite her frown, and perhaps because of it. The fairy queen obeyed the human child and gently pushed Merkit away. Merkit looked at her again, disappointed. He saw the lust in her own eyes.
“It must not be,” she said in a voice like the tinkling of a dripping faucet, or a dewdrop splashing on the tin roof of a garden gnome’s house. “You are to stay pure, and I am not the one who belongs to you.”
The fog cleared a little; the memory of his wife and Tojet now returned to him. At first he thought the fairy queen meant his wife, but somehow he knew she meant Tojet.
“But Tojet’s only a child,” he said.
“Of course she’s not yours now, but she will not be a child forever. She’s half grown-up already, and once she’s fully grown, she’s yours.”
“Don’t make him a slave with your kisses, please, Your Majesty,” Tojet said. “He’s not meant to be your boyfriend. You and your fairies promised him to me.”
Merkit blinked. He now remembered where he came from. “Why me?” he said. “Why not someone in her own time?”
The queen said, “Because you’re more likely to treat her as an equal, and be good enough for our favorite. Tojet should never be treated as second best. We sent scouts throughout the twentieth century and beyond to find a husband for her. Your parents loved fairies, so we soon focused on you and decided to see what kind of man you’d be when you grew up. We looked, and had the local fairies check on you. We liked what we saw, and thought you’d make an excellent match for Tojet. You’re kind, you’re passionate, and you treat women properly; you two also have similar interests.”
“Similar interests? But she’s only nine. I like classic novels and she likes Winnie the Pooh books, for example.”
“We know how she’ll turn out, what she’ll be interested in as she grows up.”
“But I have a wife.”
“We also know your future.”
The last traces of fog dissipated. Unease jabbed his stomach. What was in his future? Why did she say this when he mentioned his wife?
Merkit turned and saw Tojet, who was curled up on the side of the ring, asleep. He felt more like a father who must get his sleeping child to bed than a predestined husband of a fairy child.
“What did you do to me? Why did I forget everything about myself? Who will you do this to next?”
The fairy queen only smiled. “I’ll turn to the king of the goblins. Of all the local kings, he is the handsomest. After the dance, I will go to meet him; he needs no spells. Your heart is so loyal that trying to charm you has given me a headache. Now go, take your betrothed maiden home.”
Merkit picked Tojet up, but she disappeared, along with everything else. He jerked his head back and forward again. There she sat at the kitchen table in front of him. She finished her tale. He must have imagined the scene with the fairy ring, but it had seemed so real. Even his lustful fantasy seemed real, and now it shamed him.
What business did he, a married man and a Christian, have fantasizing about a fairy queen? He had to find something else to do to chase the fantasy from his mind. Why would he even want to fantasize about a fairy queen? Barb was everything he’d ever wanted in a wife; they had many of the same thoughts and liked many of the same things. When they met in a Christian group at college as sophomores, they fell for each other right away. After a few months of obsessing, Merkit worked up the courage to ask her out, only to find that she had also been obsessing. The Christian group was new, and Merkit and Barb worked together to help make it more visible on campus. They worked side by side for the group to make and put up posters around the campus, plan parties and trips to see Christian rock bands, and lead (Barb) or go to (Merkit) small groups. They fought hard against many temptations to sleep together, their biggest struggle of all. Their friends called them the perfect couple.
When they got engaged in their senior year, no one was surprised. He had no reason to want a stranger, even a fairy queen, instead.
“A nice little tale, Tojet,” he said, “but we can’t spend all our time dancing with fairies. I have to go grade some papers now.” He jumped up and trotted off to find his briefcase. He later hurried off to the church for Saturday morning confessions, to purge himself of the fairy queen fantasy.
This Blog is No Longer Safe.
[Update 2/15/14: This was posted May 21, 2012. I only “scrubbed” my blog temporarily; a short time later, I put it all back up again.]
I’ve scrubbed what I can. This is no longer a safe place to blog about certain bullying experiences. Yes, I have every right to blog about my personal experiences, and I’m doing this anonymously, leaving out various identifiers–to protect the bullies, of all people.
See Prozac Blogger’s “Why are we the ones that hide the truth?” for a discussion of the irony of using anonymity to protect not just us, but the ones who bullied/abused us):
Why do we have to keep everything a secret? Why are our ‘secrets’ considered embarrassing? Why are we protecting our abusers? What’s wrong with a good ol’ public hanging?
…Nowadays everything happens behind closed doors. And on top of that, victims aren’t supposed to talk about it. …Why are we being judged for what others did to us?
But the bullies have been here, read what I posted to them, have read practically everything, and keep coming back.
I think they want to intimidate me into silence.
They refuse to admit what they’ve done is wrong. They don’t care that their actions have led me into doubting the very existence of God.
It goes to show you that there are abusers even in the Church. There is no safe place to go without bullies.
But it’s just as well, because through this accident, I finally got the chance to say everything I had wanted to say to them, and hopefully won’t feel the need to vent about it anymore.
Though I say again to the bullies, Stay the F**K away from me until you’re ready to make peace.
In the meantime, anybody who wants to read about my abuse/bullying experiences, check out Life At Roanoke: My College Memoirs (Or, How NVLD Affected My Life). It goes into great detail about abusers and narcissists I ran into in college, along with various funny anecdotes and other things.
Those memoirs have been up on my website since 2006, yet the abusers have never found them, to my knowledge. Well, okay, one, “The Avenger,” but I kept it up anyway just to spite her.