Month: May 2012

This Blog is No Longer Safe.

[Update 2/15/14: This was posted May 21, 2012.  I only “scrubbed” my blog temporarily; a short time later, I put it all back up again.]

I’ve scrubbed what I can.  This is no longer a safe place to blog about certain bullying experiences.  Yes, I have every right to blog about my personal experiences, and I’m doing this anonymously, leaving out various identifiers–to protect the bullies, of all people.

See Prozac Blogger’s “Why are we the ones that hide the truth?” for a discussion of the irony of using anonymity to protect not just us, but the ones who bullied/abused us):

Why do we have to keep everything a secret?  Why are our ‘secrets’ considered embarrassing? Why are we protecting our abusers? What’s wrong with a good ol’ public hanging?

…Nowadays everything happens behind closed doors. And on top of that, victims aren’t supposed to talk about it. …Why are we being judged for what others did to us?

But the bullies have been here, read what I posted to them, have read practically everything, and keep coming back.

I think they want to intimidate me into silence.

They refuse to admit what they’ve done is wrong.  They don’t care that their actions have led me into doubting the very existence of God.

It goes to show you that there are abusers even in the Church.  There is no safe place to go without bullies.

But it’s just as well, because through this accident, I finally got the chance to say everything I had wanted to say to them, and hopefully won’t feel the need to vent about it anymore.

Though I say again to the bullies, Stay the F**K away from me until you’re ready to make peace.

In the meantime, anybody who wants to read about my abuse/bullying experiences, check out Life At Roanoke: My College Memoirs (Or, How NVLD Affected My Life).  It goes into great detail about abusers and narcissists I ran into in college, along with various funny anecdotes and other things.

Those memoirs have been up on my website since 2006, yet the abusers have never found them, to my knowledge.  Well, okay, one, “The Avenger,” but I kept it up anyway just to spite her.

 

Richard and/or Tracy were here.

I don’t know why they came here or what they wanted to get out of it, but my bullies (at least one of them) have now seen and read nearly everything I posted about them.

I have no idea if they plan on doing anything about it.  It’s a waiting game, wondering what they’re going to do, if anything.

I saw every page they read in my three trackers.  The referring URL shows that they first came here by clicking on my blog name in a friend’s blogroll.  But why did they do that, when they haven’t even been to my blog in the past two or three years?

I didn’t shut anything down, as hope springs eternal that somewhere in their hearts is a willingness to understand me now…. I suppose it’s too much to ask.  But you never know.

Why were they so interested?  I just don’t know….Their curiosity means they now know probably more than they wanted to know…yet they just kept reading.

I know I don’t like to read unpleasant things about myself, so why did they keep reading everything, sometimes two or three times, sometimes more than that?

The only blogs I’m aware of for them have been inactive for three years, but if I knew of an active one, I certainly would not visit it.  I don’t check Richard’s Twitter, don’t wish to read his Facebook wall.

So why did they come to my blog in the first place?  Does it give them the jollies to read about my hurt and pain regarding them?

But I’m not sorry for blogging about this.  The bullied need to speak out more, make our voices heard, break the silence and become survivors instead of victims.

And even though I did not blog intending for them to read it, this “accident” gave me the chance to finally confront them and vindicate myself with the truth, something I felt I could not do (except maybe in a letter sent posthumously).

I did not want a dialogue with them, did not want to send them a letter and find myself hit with Tracy’s fury, had read about how dangerous it can be to confront an abuser, so I felt my hands were tied.

I certainly did not want to mention the narcissism or BPD to them, because that, also, can be dangerous.

Them finding this blog was an accident I did not intend.  But I did not mention my blog anymore on Facebook, and the mutual friend did not appear to be reading my blog anymore, so I figured the chances of Richard or Tracy returning to it again were remote….

Whether it will make any difference in how they treat me, I have no clue.  But at least it’s done.  I can be at peace now…or soon.

I think about shutting down the blogs, but I don’t want their presence here to intimidate me into silence.  Their abuses and bullying were real, as was their attempt to silence me before (“Don’t go crying to Jeff about this, because we don’t need the headache”).  No, no, the bullies can’t win this time.  I have to fight back.

[Update 2/13/14:] It amazes me now that I even thought about shutting down the blog.  But then I thought, “It’s my blog; I’ll do what I want!”

Where would I be without this blog now?  All my angst has been poured into this blog and taken out of the rest of my life.  I no longer feel the need to talk about it to friends/husband all the time.  I no longer feel sad or scared or unable to move on.  I only rarely miss Richard.

Now I’m just revising my web-book and posting it here, rarely needing to write anything new on the subject.  I’m basically taking what I already wrote, and making it better, easier to digest, and more visible to fellow sufferers; it’s not about processing current grief/anger anymore.

And I see in my stats that other people connect with it, and are finding help here.  I want to get through the web-book as soon as possible so I can move on to some new topic, some new novel perhaps, or revising old stories for publication.

I no longer fear seeing my blog stalker Tracy in my stats all the time; rather, I just chuckle.

 

Hm. The abusers found my blog.

I can tell from the city and referring URL (which I can track through Google Webmasters Analytics and Blogspot’s trackers), that it was them, that they [Richard and Tracy] are now proceeding to go through everything I’ve written here and on my website.

This is always a risk when you blog about your abusers.  I knew it was likely to happen.  It can be dangerous, yes.  But scared silence is just what the abusers want of their victims.  There is a combination of fearlessness, courage and foolhardiness in blogging about it.

I’m half-expecting an angry e-mail, phone call or other confrontation any time now.  Or maybe Richard will try to assault me like he wanted to do that landlady.  But oh well.  I felt forced into silence before, that I could not say how I really felt.  Now they know how I really felt/feel.  C’est la vie.

Many websites give tips on whether you should confront your abuser, because so many of the abused are burning up with the need to do so.  Maybe now that they know, I can be at peace.  I’m actually glad they found it.  Now they’ve read all the things I wanted to say but never had a chance to; maybe now they’ll be shocked into realizing just how horribly they behaved.

Why are we the ones that hide the truth?–on blogging about abuse

On what can happen when we blog about our abuse stories and the abusers find out (and yes, I read this before blogging, so I knew it could happen)

It’s 8 AM, this hell I’m in
Seems I’ve crossed a line again
For being nothing more than who I am
So break my bones and throw your stones
We all know that life ain’t fair
But there’s more of us we’re everywhere

We don’t have to take this back against the wall
We don’t have to take this we can end it all

All you’ll ever be is a faded memory of a bully
Make another joke while they hang another rope so lonely
Push them to the dirt till the words don’t hurt can you hear me
No one’s gonna cry on the very day you die you’re a bully

It’s 8 AM, the hell I’m in
Your voice is strong, now right the wrong

Shinedown, “Bully”

Recall Primary Tomorrow–and how this nastiness is affecting friendships

[Update 6-29-18: Looking back, it seems this was–unfortunately–only the beginning.]

We are on the eve of a primary to nominate the Democrat who will run against our governor [Scott Walker] in the state recall election.  I intend to vote for the Democrat who has the best chance of winning, and then vote for the Democrat in the recall election.

I find the governor’s behavior to be disgusting, bullying, violating rights which had been held by public unions in this state for 50 years–human rights to prevent them from being bullied by Scrooge bosses.

He and his fellow Republicans ramrodded through their despicable elimination of these human rights, violating the rules of the state government procedures, not giving the Democrats a proper chance or say in the matter, ignoring the voices of thousands who protested for weeks outside and inside the state capitol building.

I saw the disgraceful way the governor and Republicans tried to malign the poor for needing help, and tried to remove various environmental regulations and social programs that had made our state such a wonderful place to live.

…These are views which would alienate Richard and Tracy, if we were still friends.  If the Incident had never happened, or if nothing else had happened (though something must have eventually happened, given Tracy’s cycling back into frequent rages during that time)–this would have done it.

Considering the current political climate of our state during this recall process, and that Tracy backs the Republican governor and Richard is almost sure to back him as well (the TEA party backs him, and Richard, a Libertarian and TEA Partier, also hates unions with a passion)–Our friendship would have been chucked by them by now, whether we were still friends after the Incident of 7/1/10 or not.

The political climate is so volatile that close friends and family members are no longer speaking to each other.  And since Richard, as early as spring 2010, told me that he considers his political opponents his hated enemies (which might explain why he grew so cold to me that year and stopped calling), he probably wouldn’t want to speak to me at all if he knew how I felt about the governor after spring 2011 (and the Republicans after his beloved TEA Party took them over).

I remember how Richard spoke to Jeff and me because we didn’t agree with his kooky Libertarian/Anarchist politics.

I’m staying friends with and still speaking to friends/family who back the governor, basically avoiding the subject with them, but there are many people who are letting politics divide close, loving relationships.

I have seen enough reason, from their past behavior and comments, to believe that Richard and Tracy are behaving the same, and that they would have ended our friendship in 2011 or 2012, even if we had not ended it in 2010–but over politics.  Politics!  So it’s just as well that that toxic friendship is over.

Wisconsin Recall Election Pits Friends Against Each Other

The Wisconsin recall elections are being called an “epic battle,” a “civil war” and even an “un-civil war.”

While no one is firing upon each other with muskets and cannons, neighbors are being pit against neighbors and relationships between family members are becoming strained over competing visions for the future of the state…..

“I’ve never seen a state torn apart in such a short time,” said Pat Nolan-Burger, another lifelong Badger State resident who attended the Clinton event. “This happened within months of Gov. Walker taking office.” –Amanda Terkel, Wisconsin Recall Divisiveness Affecting Personal Relationships