Links to My Favorite Single Dad Laughing blog posts about abuse and bullying

Why do I write about abuse so much?  Because I was emotionally abused by an ex who, if we had stayed together longer, probably would have turned physical as well.

Because I witnessed it happening to a close friend of mine (male), but when I tried to help, it was turned on me.

Because when I was overheard telling my husband the truth about what was going on, there was hell to pay.

Because another friend told me his wife was abusing him, too.

Because I want to help the kids who are being abused, not just the ones I know about but the ones I don’t.

Because I was bullied repeatedly for being who I am, first verbally in school, then again very recently, and feel for those who are being bullied and sometimes even kill themselves over it.

The blog posts of Single Dad Laughing on this subject especially resonate with me, so I’m posting them here for the benefit of others who have not yet found them:

Worthless Men and the Women Who Make Them–on women abusing men

A wife can bash on her husband all she wants. She can make fun of him, ridicule him, belittle him, and make him feel like a giant turd. But, the moment the man does it back, he’s a douche bag… and all of her friends, sisters, and even her mother are going to hear about it.

A woman can hit a man. She can physically assault him. She can push him. She can slap him. If he doesn’t take it “like a man”, he’s called a… woman. A girl. A sissy. How ironic. Yet, the moment a man so much as lays a finger on a female, he’s labeled as abusive.

Worthless Women and the Men Who Make Them–on men expecting women to be some impossible perfect standard of beauty/womanhood

We’ve replaced that beauty with a standard that is, and always will be, impossible for them to hit. We’ve decided what the perfect legs are. We’ve decided what the perfect body is.

We’ve decided what the perfect breasts are to be shaped like. We’ve decided what the perfect face, skin, butt, and neck should be. And we’ve made no hesitations to boldly let it be known.

We declare it, and we do so with little care for the tender women standing beside us.

And, of course, with each declaration, women hate themselves more. With each declaration, women get further and further from beautiful.

With each declaration, more and more of our women willingly place themselves beneath the scalpels of so-called “doctors” who cut apart and reshape their already gorgeous bodies into something different.

You Just Broke Your Child. Congratulations.–on child abuse

Dads. Stop breaking your children. Please.

I feel a need to write this post after what I witnessed at Costco yesterday. Forgive me for another post written in desperation and anger.

Please read all the way to the end. I know it’s long, but this is something that needs to be said. It’s something that needs to be heard. It’s something that needs to be shared.

As Noah and I stood in line to make a return, I watched as a little boy (he couldn’t have been older than six) looked up at his dad and asked very timidly if they could buy some ice cream when they were done.

The father glared him down, and through clenched teeth, growled at the boy to ”leave him alone and be quiet”. The boy quickly cowered to the wall where he stood motionless and hurt for some time.

The line slowly progressed and the child eventually shuffled back to his father as he quietly hummed a childish tune, seemingly having forgotten the anger his father had just shown.

The father again turned and scolded the boy for making too much noise. The boy again shrunk back and cowered against the wall, wilted.

I was agitated. I was confused. How could this man not see what I see? How could this man not see what a beautiful spirit stood in his shadow?

How could this man be so quick to stub out all happiness in his own boy? How could this man not cherish the only time he’ll ever have to be everything to this boy? To be the person that matters most to this boy?

We were three from the front now, and the boy started to come towards his dad yet again. His dad immediately stepped out of the line, jammed his fingers into his son’s collar bones until he winced in pain, and threatened him.

“If you so much as make a sound or come off of that wall again, I promise you’re going to get it when we get home.”

The boy again cowered against the wall. This time, he didn’t move. He didn’t make a sound. His beautiful face pointed down, locked to the floor and expressionless.

He had been broken. And that’s how his father wanted it. He didn’t want to deal with him, and breaking him was the easiest way.

And we wonder why so many of our kids grow up to be screwed up.

I’m going to be blunt. People see my relationship with Noah, and quite often put me up on a pedestal or sing my praises for loving him more than most dads love their own kids.

Damn it. I don’t understand that, and I’ll never understand that. Loving my son, building my son, touching my son, playing with my son, being with my son… these aren’t tasks that only super dads can perform. These are tasks that every dad should perform. Always. Without fail.

There is nothing special about me. I am a dad who loves his son and would literally do anything for his well-being, safety, and health. I would gladly take a rake in the face or a jackhammer to my feet before I cut my own son down or make him feel small.

Memoirs of a Bullied Kid and Bullied. The Forgotten Memoirs–The author’s own bullying experiences, in painful detail, which also inspired me to tell my own story to the world, despite putting it up and then taking it down again in fear of it being found by the bullies (which it was).

And just think, the author has signed his own name to his posts.  Many bloggers do as well, but many are too afraid of their abusers to do so, or want to protect everyone’s identity.

That Moment When….:

That moment when you realize she doesn’t want you because the fear of you hurting her outweighs any good part of you.

That moment when realizing this makes you feel like a small, terrible human being because you understand just how badly you’ve hurt her.

That moment when suddenly feeling this way makes you care for her for the first time the way you always should have.

That moment when your heart shatters as you realize that even though it’s now beautifully different for you, it’s no different for her.

That moment when you just know that it’s too late. Permanent damage has been done.

I’m Christian, Unless You’re Gay.–On bullying people for being gay.

“You don’t know what it’s like, man. You don’t know what it’s like to live here and be gay. You don’t know what it’s like to have freaking nobody.

“You don’t know what it’s like to have your own parents hate you and try and cover up your existence. I didn’t choose this. I didn’t want this. And I’m so tired of people hating me for it. I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t.”

In some circles, it’s hard to admit this.  In others, it brings cheering.  But here I can say this in anonymity:

I may be an Orthodox Christian, but I just have a hard time believing any longer that being “gay” is a sin.

Promiscuity, making people into sex objects, yes.  Straight people do that, too.  But just being gay?

Science keeps telling us that some people truly are born gay.  So–that means God made them that way.  Is it one of those things (like that women have to be subjected to men, or that sperm is little men whom it would be murder to block) that we should reject as a product of a scientifically ignorant past?

Gays can’t just change because other people want them to.  If a person wants to settle down for his entire life with another man he loves, is that really so terrible?

As I read about Oscar Wilde’s imprisonment and early death a few years later, I feel for him, being put in prison for something that isn’t even considered a crime in the Western world anymore.

 

About Emerging From Broken: The Confusion Created around Forgiveness Issues

This blog post by Darlene Ouimet especially resonates because she speaks of abusers refusing to admit they did anything wrong, refusing to apologize, even calling you crazy for accusing them of abuse.

If I’m telling “false facts,” if I’m accusing an “innocent” person, then why have I been suffering for the past two years from the aftereffects of Tracy’s abuse, both witnessing it and being the victim of it, even going through a period where I must have had Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder because of the constant rumination, fear, hypervigilance, and memories playing back constantly?

Why did I cry so many tears both during and after the “friendship” with Richard and Tracy?

Why did somebody on a forum say I sounded spiritually traumatized?

Why did I feel for at least a year like I couldn’t get close to anyone I didn’t already know, for fear they would turn out to be abusers just like Tracy?

Why have I had so many triggers that–just when I think I’ve put an issue to rest–bring it all up again so my mind would have to go through and process it, figure it out, all over again?  (This happened continuously for at least a year.)

And why on earth would I break off a friendship just like that with someone who was sweet and wonderful and innocent of any wrongdoing, especially since I’m so introverted and shy that I can’t just go out and make another friend to replace ones I lose?

You may ask why I didn’t go to therapy.  There were two reasons: 1) My husband’s job sucked so bad that I had no resources for therapy, no health insurance, no money, and

2) I was even afraid of trusting therapists!   Since my friends could only handle so much, blogging (since I had to get my message out somehow) and writing down the whole story, was my only outlet, my therapy.

Now for the blog post by Ouimet:

The Confusion Created around Forgiveness Issues

Some quotes:

Forgiveness is always a huge issue and a hot topic with survivors of any kind of abuse or trauma that was inflicted by another person….

I think that forgiveness is a RESULT of the healing process BUT I had to set the whole issue of forgiveness aside while I did my healing work.

I understand today that forgiveness is not saying “what they did is okay” and I also understand that there is no point in forgiving someone that isn’t sorry other than to set myself free

BUT I was not able to forgive (EVEN for the purpose of setting myself free) when I had not even processed the trauma or abuse events through the grid of truth.

There was a step missing in there; freedom doesn’t come by sweeping the whole issue under the carpet. Freedom and emotional healing comes from facing the truth about what actually happened and validating it.

For each instance where I had been mistreated, devalued, oppressed, suppressed, and not allowed to have a voice or a defense ~ I had to look at the real truth. Who did it? Could I have prevented it? Did I really “ask for it”. Did I bring it on myself or deserve it?  The answer was always no.

I had to place the blame and responsibility for those events and that mistreatment back on the people who were responsible for them in the first place. And I had to validate myself; YES I was abused. Yes I was mistreated and my feelings about it were shut down and invalidated. AND that was wrong.

We are told to forgive people who are not seeking forgiveness. It is confusing that so often these people didn’t “ask” for forgiveness because they denied that they ever did anything wrong in the first place….

The abusers denied everything and I am told to just forgive what they said they didn’t do? It felt to me like even the people telling me to get over it and forgive, were also denying (agreeing) that it ever happened.

And when abusers expect forgiveness when still denying they ever did anything wrong it is even WORSE! This one is a huge part of the fog storm that survivors live in.

Statements like “WHY can’t you just get over it; forgive and forget” mixed in with statements like “you are full of crap ~ that never happened” and “OH you are so dramatic and tell such big lies” is crazy making, manipulating and very confusing.

When I was free of the false beliefs, I was also free to forgive, but what forgiveness “feels” like for me is just that I was able to let go of the hated, anger, bitterness and frustration.

I don’t need to PROVE to them that it isn’t my fault that all this happened or even prove that it did happen. I don’t need them to HEAR me anymore. I hear myself and I have my support system.

I do not need to “tell” the abusers who deny ever having abused me that I forgive them.  I don’t feel much emotion around them anymore. The anger has dissipated.

They don’t rule my life anymore and they don’t define me anymore. They can no longer tell me what to do or how to feel. I am my own person today and another sign of my freedom is that I know they can’t hurt me anymore. I am no longer afraid.

And, of course, there are the many comments below the blog.

It is not motivating or inspiring to try to convince people that they have a misconception about their own lives.  It causes further damage. It adds to the trauma that being mistreated and devalued already caused.

It is not helpful when people or organizations try to encourage people to move forward before the actual truth has been validated.

It is abusive to invalidate the truth by teaching that facing it or talking about it is the same as whining and even the same as lying about it. –Darlene Ouimet, Inspirational Quotes that Cause Harm Saying HOW You Got Screwed Up

 

Wife Vs. Secretary: Musings on Jealousy

I recommend the movie Wife Vs. Secretary  (also here, here and here), which I just watched tonight for the second time since 2008, as an example of how jealousy can ruin a perfectly good relationship.

(I’m especially interested in this movie because I was a secretary before becoming a stay-at-home mother.  The wives of my two bosses never showed any sign of worry, even though I was young, slim, etc.  Apparently times have changed.  But imagine if they’d been jealous of me–that would’ve caused a lot of trouble, and potentially jeopardized a job I needed!)

The secretary, Whitey, is attracted to Gable’s character, Van, and if he never noticed his secretary’s charms (since she is, after all, played by Jean Harlow), you’d have to check his pulse.

But their relationship is strictly business, never once becoming improper: Van’s character loves his wife passionately, and his secretary–who has brains, not just beauty–also has good character.

Yet people begin talking.  Though Myrna Loy’s character is initially very modern-thinking, all this talk makes her suspicious–leading to all sorts of trouble which never would’ve happened if only she’d ignored all the talk.

She thinks a hush-hush business deal, is actually an affair between Van and Whitey.  Her jealousy practically drives Van into Whitey’s arms.  Van says, “There’s an old Chinese proverb that says if you want to keep a man honest, never call him a liar.”

Meanwhile, Whitey’s fiancé, played by Jimmy Stewart, is also jealous of Van, which estranges Whitey and her fiancé.

As Jimmy Stewart’s character says at the end of the movie, “Gosh, all the fighting and worrying people do, it always seems to be about one thing: They don’t seem to trust each other.  Well, I’ve found this out: Don’t look for trouble where there isn’t any, because if you don’t find it, you’ll make it.  Just believe in someone.”

I noticed during the dancing scene that nobody looked at the wife funny for dancing with other men, but everybody looked at Van funny for dancing with Whitey.

It also annoys me that Whitey’s fiancé objects to her job, telling her that her having a career she likes (even after marriage) is somehow “unnatural” and works against having a home, marriage, and kids; and pushing her to quit so they can marry.

It’s also sexist to assume that a beautiful secretary was hired because of her looks.

I am very anti-jealousy.  I was raised, and socialized in, very open environments which accepted opposite-sex friendships/working relationships/church relationships as the norm.

In college, if I had objected to my boyfriends having female friends, I would’ve been dropped like a hot rock; they had female friends, I had guy friends, it was accepted whether we knew each other or not.

My friends are usually like this as well, especially my SCA friends, who see open and playful flirting as normal no matter what your marital status.

I also tend to pick up behaviors from the people I spend my time with, so I follow their lead of what is acceptable, start to open up a bit on things I was more reserved on before.  (The exceptions are things I morally object to, such as smoking or drugs or getting drunk–or cheating, which normally I don’t see my friends doing, anyway.)

The only friends of my husband whom I ever objected to, were women he’d slept with before we met.  I didn’t even object to friends of his who didn’t seem to like me for some reason, since it seemed very inappropriate to tell him who his friends should be.

So when I encounter jealous people, I don’t understand them, don’t know what makes a person want to be that way.  Wouldn’t they rather just relax and trust and enjoy life instead of wasting their time and energy being angry, suspicious and vigilant?  Wouldn’t they rather be the person their spouse can’t wait to come home to, rather than making his/her life miserable?

If you’re providing a warm, comfortable, happy relationship for your spouse to come home to, then other women/men should not be a threat.  And if they are a threat, then your spouse is a cad/caddette whom you’re better off without, anyway, so let him/her leave.  I have written about this subject at length here.

 

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