Year: 2012

The abuser refuses to feel remorse

Warning: The following summarizes and vents a period of narcissistic abuse and mind control.

There were times, shortly after the blowup, when I told Jeff I thought I was supposed to go to them and try to patch things up.  But he’d say, “NO! SHE needs to apologize, not you!”  He got furious with me for even thinking I had anything to apologize for.

To this day Tracy has expressed no remorse, guilt or repentance over what she did and said, which tells me very clearly that she’s not worth trying to be friends with.

In fact, when I tried a month later to patch things up, she said snottily, “You’re the ones who ended it and unfriended us on Facebook, not us,” and how Jeff had “stormed in” to their place (as opposed to her “rational” behavior, I suppose?).

Then, without any sort of apology for her rage episode, she started going on and on about all the supposedly horrible things I had done–things which were actually harmless, or things which I had actually been manipulated into with Richard’s lies.  But she twisted them into something else entirely.

I kept trying to apologize and bite my tongue, but she did not relent, did not let up.  I showed Jeff the e-mails; he got angry and said, “Oh baloney!” at what she wrote.

He said while she reacted one way to things I had done, he reacted completely differently, that I didn’t deserve how she treated me over it.

She obviously didn’t care about the truth, but only what she wanted to believe.  So there was no point in trying to set her straight.

She refused to believe that I could act with pure intentions; she refused to see how she contributed to the problems.

She did the exact same thing two years previous with Todd (see below), who also found it maddening.  So there was no reason to think she might be persuaded of the truth.

Also, she went over–yet again–things which were harmless, but which bothered her, so they hadn’t been done for more than two years.  Yet she talked as if they constantly happened!

All I actually did was have a different philosophy and opinion to hers of what is okay behavior.  All her bullying is not going to change that.

Then she wrote that there were even more things I supposedly did wrong.  She wanted to tell me these things in person–or else I’d never be allowed to so much as contact Richard.  I was forever barred from him–no Facebook, e-mail, or speaking to him–unless I allowed her to yell at me.

My mother called this very manipulative.  Jeff was adamant that I should not let her do this.

(It is the same manipulative tactic used by cults, such as stories coming from Mars Hill Church in January/February 2012: Former members were shunned by all the other members.  The only way to stop the shunning was to submit to either heavy-handed discipline, or meetings with leadership.  In these meetings, they’d face interrogations about why they’re leaving the church.  Who’d want to do that?)

I had no idea what else she could possibly be upset about.

But I was sick and tired of being blamed for everything, of being criticized by both of them for every little thing I did, of being expected to change everything about my natural personality to please her.

(Like being very quiet and shy, probably selectively mute.  I was supposed to change this, rather than her accepting me the way I am–which would have allowed me to stop tensing up around her, in turn allowing me to open up to her.)

While she was allowed to have her way in everything, and I was expected to sit back and let her be as nasty as she wanted.

And whenever she did something hurtful or Richard was inconsiderate, I was expected to just “deal with it.”

Also, I saw what a “conference,” as she called it, with her was like:

Two years earlier, she pulled Todd into such a “conference” on IRC (Internet Relay Chat) because of what he did on an Internet game.  She accused him of a power grab, working against her and being childish–when, in reality, he had been putting himself out trying to help her.

For hours upon hours, she yelled at him and made accusations.  Meanwhile, he tried to tell her the truth.  But she refused to listen to anything he said, ripping it apart instead.

When–out of frustration–he finally broke down and began to say bad things himself, she used this against him, and turned Richard against him as well.

Jeff saw nothing good coming out of a “conference” with her.  He did not want to allow it, not when she first demanded it of me, nor a month later when she insisted on it again.

I did not know what supposed “behaviors” of mine were still left unsaid, what I did that was so horrible she couldn’t just let it go.

Her complaints were two years old and worn out already with retelling over the years.  They had long since been dealt with.  She said nothing new, and I knew of no other thing that could possibly be left to say.

Yet she insisted there was more.

She was not excluded.  In fact, she was nearly always included in our get-togethers, especially since she did not allow Richard and me to even go out for coffee.  So why did she keep saying I hadn’t “befriended” her enough to be allowed to go out for coffee etc.?

We invited her over for holiday dinners with the rest of the family.  We went to their house to play Dungeons and Dragons with her and Richard.  I invited her to do a movie night with me, but she never took me up on it.

I gave her things she desperately needed but couldn’t afford.  I lent her my mixer, gave her fresh garden tomatoes, things like that.  I occasionally paid her little compliments, or suggested local web forums.  I gave her a lily cut from my garden.

Jeff said I behaved just fine when we were all together.  He had no clue, either, what I had supposedly “done” that upset her so much.

The abuser hangs out of a van window

Tracy: the narcissistic borderline abuser–and seeing her hang out of a van window

Warning: The following summarizes and vents a period of narcissistic abuse and mind control.

Tracy’s mother has been diagnosed and even hospitalized for borderline and multiple personality disorders.  Richard told me he sees the traits in Tracy and all her sisters.  He also told a mutual friend, Todd, that he sees some of her mother’s disorder traits in Tracy.

From this and the above evidence, along with supporting evidence from Todd, I believe that Tracy also has borderline personality disorder.

Todd also knows about Tracy’s family history, her mother’s disorder, and borderline traits.

He says that yes, Tracy has them all.  Not just “some” as Richard said, but “all.”

So I’m not just grabbing some stuff off a couple of websites and making an armchair diagnosis: I have a whole slew of evidence that this is true.

Now some with this disorder recognize they have problems, and work with doctors/therapists to get it under control.

But a person with a disorder is an individual who can choose to handle it one way or another.  Tracy blames her anger problems and abuse on others, and seems narcissistic as well.  So while the disorder may not be her fault, her choices are.

I witnessed even more compelling evidence of borderline personality disorder in Tracy, one day about a year ago:

This was either October 5 or December 7, 2010, according to the school calendar, several months after we broke off the friendship.  My son had a half-day, so I set off walking down the sidewalk past my house to fetch him around 11am, when who should I see driving past me on the street?

I had a clear view: They were facing me, so on my side of the street.  There are no trees in that area between the sidewalk and the street.  And no other cars were nearby.

I saw Richard driving that familiar minivan, and Tracy in the passenger seat.

Well, sort of in the seat: She was hanging half her body out the window

head, shoulders, upper part of the torso, possibly down to about her waist, turned with her shoulders pointing one above and one below, arms flailing, not holding on (which struck me as extremely odd and dangerous behavior)

while Richard gave her an upset or angry or scared look.

Obviously he was upset with her for hanging out the window.

I thought Tracy, at least, must have seen me in those few seconds, since she was hanging out the window and facing me, with me just a few feet away from her.

I looked directly at them, rather than ignoring them as I usually do, because these few seconds were so unexpected.  If she tried to say anything to me, I didn’t hear over my Discman.  Did she try to yell at me?

What the heck was this about?  There was no explanation for why on earth she’d hang half out the window.  It was yet more bizarre behavior from this woman.

Other than on TV, I’ve never seen anybody else do anything like this in a moving vehicle.  The speed limit around there is 25mph, and in a van, the ground is farther down.

I’m told that such behavior is common among people with borderline personality disorder.

This act is proof that I must consider the source before taking anything she said seriously.

It shows that it’s all her own issues, and not mine.

She fits many or all of the traits I find listed for malignant narcissist and/or borderline personality disorder, being from a family filled with abuse, yet refuses to take responsibility for them.

So it’s impossible for me to ever have a normal friendship with her.

The bullying, abusive wife

The evils of jealousy

Warning: The following summarizes and vents a period of narcissistic abuse and mind control.

I have always believed that jealousy over opposite-sex friends is wrong and should not be tolerated.  Life is much easier when you’re not freaking out over your spouse’s friends all the time, but just let him/her be a big boy/girl with personal autonomy and the ability to keep one’s pants on.

I’ve also always believed in freedom of personal expression; freedom to not hide that you care about your friends; freedom to send friends notes that read, “I miss you, let’s go out for coffee,” or “Your friendship is very special to me,” or whatever.

I will let no one tell me this is somehow “inappropriate.”  Such an attitude sounds to me like unhealthy, puritannical repression.

Jealousy and controlling a spouse’s friendships are two major indicators of an abusive relationship.  Even if the relationship is not abusive, jealousy is a poison that destroys it.

Tracy, the bullying, abusive wife

The wife, “Tracy,” forced my best friend and me apart, because she was always bullying everyone around her and blaming them for it, including me:

I saw her smack a tiny 3-year-old on the back of the head so hard the girl’s tongue flew out.

I saw her go nuts on two of the girls one evening, when they did nothing wrong that I could see.  She just all of a sudden ran over and started screaming louder and louder, and yanking and throwing spanks around, so that even I was nervous and scared of her.

I’d hear her belittling the children.

When they lived with us, I heard her screaming at the kids all day long, ordering Richard around, making fun of him, making false accusations of him, even slapping him on the arm in anger.

One day, I heard her yelling and screaming at him louder and louder, making false accusations of him, while he just kept meekly saying “you’re right” and saying absolutely nothing in defense or argument back.

So I witnessed for myself some of what goes on behind closed doors, though I discovered later that she still tempered herself around me.

Richard told me later that she kept breaking the children’s spirits.  He said he had to be there to keep her from abusing the kids.  He said she cussed at the kids, and would yell and punch him as well.

He said if she ever hit his face, he would say “You’re not a woman” and hit her back.

Yet I was expected to be buddy-buddy with her.

She was never wrong; it was always me who needed to change behavior, or suffer the consequences.  She constantly snarked at me.

She demanded respect but gave none to me; violated boundaries but accused me of doing this; needed to grow up but accused me of this.

At first I thought we were friends and liked her, but swiftly her mask fell and she began being mean to me, without apologies.  However, she expected me to just overlook all this, blamed me for her own horrid behavior.

Several times, I considered breaking off the friendship with Richard so I wouldn’t have to deal with her, but his friendship was just too important to me.

My husband constantly got mad at her for how she treated me, said she has no trust in Richard, and got angry over how she kept screwing me over and bullying me.

Then she blew up at me with all sorts of filthy, unchristian profanity and false, filthy accusations.  She vilified, ridiculed, belittled and humiliated me.

She called me stupid, said a 5-year-old could understand what I didn’t.

She blamed me for all her bad behavior, told me I deserved it, refused to take any blame on herself despite her obvious bad behavior.

She even posted on Facebook that because of this, “I’m having a GREAT day because I no longer have to sit back and be quiet and nice.”  (HUH?)

Then Richard even yelled at and intimidated Jeff for saying that she had done things wrong as well.

After this, I just couldn’t take it anymore, so Jeff and I ended the friendship immediately.

Her post on Facebook proved that she enjoyed this, enjoyed my mistake, enjoyed her narcissistic rage, enjoyed flaying me alive with her tongue.

She even told me, after she started verbally abusing me, to not “go crying to Jeff” about this because “we don’t need the headache.”  Just like any bully on the playground, telling you to tell no one what she’s done!

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