Exposing Narcissists/Abusers: Why We Should Do It

Why are we the ones that hide the truth?–on blogging about abuse

Silence is the victim’s biggest enemy.

There are countless other such accounts on the web by survivors of abuse, including My Trip to Oz and Back and Real Women’s Stories of Abuse, Survival and Jealousy.

The Boston Globe article A world of misery left by bullying references Alan Eisenberg, who began blogging his abuse stories anonymously to deal with the pain, then finally let the world know who he really was.

Just Google “True abuse stories” to find many.  Some do it just to vent, some do it to help others who are going through similar things, to let them know they’re not worthless or stupid, that they don’t deserve abuse, that they’re not alone, and that there is a way out.

Sometimes it takes such a story to realize that you are being abused, that words can be abusive, not just fists.

In any case, rather than being accused of airing dirty laundry or “being a victim,” these people are being called courageous.

Writers and songwriters, especially in alternative and metal, also write about abuse experiences quite a bit.  From the above linked website Real Women’s Stories:

Concerning the member’s own personal stories of abuse, survival, and jealousy: For most of these women, just telling their personal story of abuse and/or survival to another trusted person is VERY hard.

Here, they have went a major step past that. They have written their stories for you to read and learn from and to build women’s self-esteem. Some of these women are still enduring the abuse and are looking for a way out.

All of these women should be applauded for their strength and courage to tell their true abuse and survival stories and to help others.

For most of these women, this has made them re-live a past that they would much rather forget, a past full of hurt, fear, anguish, resentment, abuse and real pain. They have written their stories for you and for themselves, in hope.

From The Importance of Sharing Abuse Stories by Rainbow Gryphon:

When we’re dealing with painful experiences, whether past crime or mental illness or abuse, it can feel sometimes like we have an obsession with reading about other people’s experiences.

We go to support groups where we can hear the story of others. We read memoirs about their experiences. We read blogs and lurk on forums.

Society urges us to move past our experiences and not dwell on them like this. If we’re honest with ourselves, though, I don’t think we ever completely lose the need to hear about others who’ve gone through the same experiences.

…With the explosion of the Internet, we now have access to the stories of people in every type of abusive situation, and I personally believe that this is a boon to abuse survivors.

We need to share our stories somewhere, whether it’s a blog, a blog comment, a forum post, or a social network, because it actually helps all of us move out of a state of victimization by reassuring us that our suffering is real because it’s being shared by millions of other abuse survivors.

From Top 10 Reasons to Expose Your [Abusive] Ex:

Tell your mother, father, and friends everything! This actually saved the life of Marcia Ridgeway, the Green River Killer’s 2nd wife.

He had tried to choke her from behind once. She told everyone, including her father who talked to Gary about it.

Years later, after his arrest, he told police that he had wanted to kill Marcia, his wife, but was afraid he would get caught because she told everyone that he attempted it once.

Remember that the next you think you are “protecting” your mate or marriage by not telling the abuse you suffer.

….Keep a detailed diary. This will help remind you when you forget how bad it is and can help you see your patterns. You can also later use it when you want to write a book or if you need evidence in court.

Dated journals are court admissible. (My journal was a god send. When Bob tried to “forget” what he had done, tell me he didn’t say such and such –I would have the date and time that he did!– My journal kept me from believing his words “you’re crazy, it never happened, you blow it out of proportion,” and other crazy-making ways he tried to turn it around on me.)

Write a book and publish it. Do your own web site with your story and pictures. Post all pictures that relate–things he tore up, the car he crashed, all his toys and you have none–whatever pertains and illustrates your life together.

From Top Ten Reasons Why Men Should Expose Abuse by a Woman [link no longer works]:

Exposing your abuser is a liberating experience. Abusers use every physical and emotional tactic to isolate, intimidate and terrify you into keeping your mouth shut–it’s about power and control. When you expose your abuse by a woman it’s an empowering experience….

Exposing your abuser empowers others to do the same. Most criminologists and sociologists feel that domestic violence against men may be one of the most underreported and under prosecuted crimes in the United States.

Police ignore the problem, DA’s often refuse to prosecute the crime, then judges throw-out the charges. If a woman ever is found guilty her sentence is minimal if she receives one at all.

The more information that is out there on these women, the more difficult it is for the justice system to ignore the problem….

It helps other abused men know that they are not alone. When this writer watched the YouTube videos on a Marriage in Plano it caused physical illness.

At the same time, however, it was important to know that other women operate off the same identical script. For the first time, this blogger knew that another man shared a similar experience. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone.  [Since this link no longer works, try this one instead, about documenting abuse.]

From Exposing a Narcissist, Dealing with Blowback, and Guilt by Joyful Alive Woman:

For many women, especially victims of Narcissism, exposing their abuser is a very difficult issue. This extends all the way to pressing charges in the instance of an actual crime taking place.

We’re taught to be forgiving, keep our mouth shut, endure our burden. We are literally taught to be martyrs because “that is what good people/good women do.”

This applies to people who aren’t religious as well as those who are. It’s part of our cultural norm and identity….

Unfortunately, a frequent result of exposing and being doubted is that we become even more outraged than before, because people don’t believe us and/or they judge us for talking about it.

This blog post deals with the question of, should we share our abuse stories or is it being drama queeny?

The first commenter apparently thinks it’s being drama queeny.  But the response to that commenter is that no, it’s up to the abuse victim/survivor to share the story, please do so, and by keeping it quiet we allow violence to continue–that calling it attention or pity seeking to share it, carries on the abuse.

Another commenter echoes my own feelings: That it’s liberating to talk about these experiences, and she does so because she wants to share her feelings and her life.

The Importance of Sharing Abuse Stories by Laws.com
Blogging About Abuse: What You Should Know
The Importance of Telling Your Sexual Abuse Story

Also go to category on exposing narcissists for all my posts on this subject, showing what exposing the narcissists has done for me, at least.

 

 

Reblog: Conspiracy Theories, Autism, Fear, and Life on the Crazy Train

So why do I say that I’m fed up with conspiracy theories?

Aside from the lack of logic and evidence in many of these theories, I’m also sick and tired of the worldview which is engendered by the most ridiculous, extreme, and far-out of theorists, which goes something like this:

everything is a ploy to undermine our cherished way of life – the immigration of Muslims to the United States (this particular belief is included as part of the rampant Islamaphobia present in the U.S. today), affirmative action, gender equality, religious tolerance, interracial marriage

(I’m not shitting you – back in the 1960’s many conspiracy theorists such as Myron Fagan were espousing the view that racial equality, interracial marriage, and the Civil Rights movement were part of a Communist agenda to ruin America), etc., etc. etc.

Included in the latest of these as accounted by a fellow autism blogger on Facebook is a notion that same-sex marriage is part of a Communist plot to take over America.

And a little closer to home is the insistence by some that vaccines cause autism…and supposedly, it’s a plot cooked up by a secret shadow government.

–from Conspiracy Theories, Autism, Fear, and Life on the Crazy Train by Woman With Aspergers

Wow, a whole blog post (on Cry for Justice) based on a comment I made one night….

On the blog A Cry for Justice, there was a post about how to tell the difference between a true victim and an abuser pretending to be the victim.  But some of it was things I do and see fellow abuse bloggers doing.  I wrote,

In my own writings about the abuse I’ve experienced from friends and from ex’s, I go into a lot of detail, get angry, and do a lot of research into such things as abuse and personality disorders. …

I don’t normally mention Personality Disorders when talking to most people. But when I write about abusive experiences in memoir, I pour everything in, all the details I can think of, along with trying to figure out what drives a person to act like that, quotes from my research which describe common abusive behaviors, to help others recognize for themselves what is abuse and what is normal.

I have a strong will and don’t just figure I deserved what I got; I get very angry when I get abused. I believe that’s why my abusive ex finally left, because I refused to just accept that I deserved it.

But when I speak about being abused, I’m not making it up, I’m not the actual abuser slandering the victim, I’m opening up about what really happened and how it makes me feel.

I hope that these comments/blogs are not saying that if you’re angry, if you’ve done a lot of research into personality disorders and do know family history and have good reason to think disorders are at play, that it automatically labels you as the abuser playing the victim.

In my case, the anger is part of the detachment/healing process and a natural response to being abused, and learning about Personality Disorders has reassured me that I did not deserve what I got. —Original Post

Blogger Barbara Roberts wrote a whole post based on my comment:
Marks of a pretend victim versus a true victim

I’d been gone from the blog for a while, then came back to find this.  😀

And this isn’t the first time I’ve made a comment on a blog, then come back to find a whole post responding to it.  Fortunately, it’s been favorable.  😉

Some people will make snarky comments and then get whole posts in reply, blasting them out of the water….But I tend not to make comments like that.  If I don’t like a blog, I just move on.

Some quotes:

I found Nyssa’s comments quite thought provoking. Here are my reflections so far.

When a person says “I’ve been abused, and I’m angry about having been abused!” that is not necessarily a sign that they are falsely playing the victim. Like Nyssa, I believe that anger is part of the detachment/healing process.

When a victim gets in touch with their anger and channels it to assist their recovery or to raise community awareness about abuse and so help with prevention, that is a good and healthy sign. It shows the victim is making an excellent recovery, in my opinion.

Perhaps we need to further refine our articulation of the marks of abuserese versus the language of genuine victims.

As this research quest leads to material that labels the abuse as the problem (rather than blaming the victim), the victim begins to express more anger and outrage. This is a good sign of progress in recovery.

Recovery isn’t simply about becoming angry, but when self-blame and shame are dispelled, healthy anger can come to the surface because anger is an appropriate response to injustice. Such healthy anger can then be channeled into social change and advocacy for other victims.

 

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