Nyssa's Hobbit Hole

Date: May 27, 2013

Progress Report on Inching Along with Healing Over Cluster B Abuse

I spent Sunday with an old college friend, the one whom I told about Richard and Tracy‘s abuses of their children, and who begged me to report them to CPS.

I updated her on what had happened in the past year since I saw her last.  I recall her being a Psych major; she told me Richard sounded like a psychopath, that Richard and Tracy reading my blog all the time is creepy, that she couldn’t figure out why they would want to. 

I told her about Richard screwing up the forum of a friend of six years, and she said it sounds like he has some issues.  Since she’s known me all these years, she said, “You tend to attract these stalker-types.”

Todd put out a call on his forum the other day to go back to an old browser-based game (Cyber Nations), where you run your own nation, and to start an alliance based on the forum.

I hesitated because Richard and Tracy used to spend a lot of time on that game, until it went down for a while, and for all I know, could still be there.

But I would be with Todd and the rest of the forum, who have supported and believed me during this time.  I don’t know if Richard, Tracy, or the Creep who sexually harassed me, are still there.

But Todd tells me I can avoid game drama simply by avoiding the game forums.  For me it would be a chance to do three things:

  1. Though I hadn’t played this game before, I have played another one like it with Richard.  This would help me put new memories into this genre of online games, ones that don’t involve Richard.
  2. Fight my fear of Richard and Tracy by not letting the dread of their possible presence keep me from things I want to do.
  3. Support Todd’s wish to play a game with the forum.

Also, today I tackled a piece of equipment at the gym which scares me.  When I last tried it last summer, it turned out to be far too heavy for my abilities at the time.  It looks scary, and the thought of trying it again has been daunting.  But today, I tried it again.  Now I’m finally strong enough to do it!

Not only do I want to reverse the trend of weight gain as I age, a trend which continued despite my walking/exercise biking since 1996–but I want to feel strong enough to hold my own if Tracy ever comes after me.

(Or Richard, since I know he’s crazy enough to do it, after he came close to assaulting/possibly killing the woman who evicted him.  Even Todd called him unstable.)

One reason for my fear of Tracy since I met her physically in 2007, is her huge size, towering over and far heavier than petite me.  When she gets angry, it’s even worse, as her size combines with her abusiveness.

But if I keep getting stronger by lifting weights, and improving endurance through cardio, I should eventually feel strong enough to defend myself if needs be.

The physical confidence could also extend into emotional confidence to fight off Tracy and Richard’s psychological mind-games and ability to cause emotional trauma.

As the Fonz once said on Happy Days, you can win a fight without throwing a punch if people believe you are a force to be reckoned with.  (Not an exact quote; I don’t feel like chasing it down.)

 

Triggered by Tonight’s Breaking Amish: Kim raging at Sabrina: Reminder of Cluster B Rages

As I watched the last few scenes of tonight’s episode of Breaking Amish (yes, I do watch some lurid reality TV), I got triggered:

Jeremiah and his girlfriend Kym stayed with Sabrina for a while; Jeremiah and Sabrina have history from their time on the show; it’s over now; Kym came afterwards; Kym is insanely jealous; Sabrina is naive; Sabrina has a boyfriend; all the former cast members have now gone down to Florida and rented a house together.

Jeremiah had told Sabrina that he broke up with Kym.  Sabrina did not go to Kym, Kym went to her on tonight’s show, and began railing on her: cussing, accusations, telling her to stay away from Jeremiah, etc. etc.

Sabrina kept saying she doesn’t want Jeremiah.  Sabrina is a sensitive sort; another cast member, who soon went to stick up for her, noted that Sabrina does not know how to stand up for herself.  Sabrina began crying, and Kym called her a baby.

ARGH!  I can’t STAND women like this Kym (at least as she’s portrayed on the show)!  She’s just like Tracy–I can see it right off.  She thinks her opinion is absolutely correct and she has the right to say anything she wants to you and you deserve to hear it, even though Sabrina was gracious enough to let them stay at her house for a while.

I can also tell that Jeremiah is a narcissist, based on everything I’ve seen on the show so far, and it’s entirely likely that he manipulated Sabrina into a kind of psychological “spell.”

Like Tracy, Kym is much larger and more intimidating.  Like me, Sabrina is much smaller and more of a shrinking violet against such a raging machine.  Like me, Sabrina at first tried to calm her down, but finally began striking back verbally.

It was so familiar that I got triggered and the tears returned.  It made me want to hug Sabrina and reassure her that she’s not the only one who’s been through this.  It made me want to share my own story with her of having a shrew living in one’s own house and making life miserable.

It made me wonder if the triggers will ever stop.

It was a troubling ending to an otherwise good day, which led to troubling dreams.  I had spent the day with an old college friend, the one whom I told about Richard and Tracy’s abuses of their children, and who begged me to report them to CPS.

I updated her on what had happened in the past year since I saw her last.  I recall her being a Psych major; she told me Richard sounded like a psychopath, that Richard and Tracy reading my blog all the time is creepy, that she couldn’t figure out why they would want to.  I told her about Richard screwing up the forum of a friend of six years, and she said it sounds like he has some issues.  Since she’s known me all these years, she said, “You tend to attract these stalker-types.”

 

 

 

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