Going through my college memoirs for publication on this blog, and adding all sorts of things which I kept private before, has brought something very forceful to mind: the experience of being repeatedly thrown away with disgust by people whom I opened up to and loved in special ways:
1. Shawn: I loved him, opened up to him my deep dark secrets, wrote him long letters over the summertime hoping that revealing my innermost thoughts would inspire him to love me back.
But he kept using my body in various ways, constantly pushing me to do more with him, taking all he could get, then verbally and emotionally abusing me afterwards.
Then he finally tossed me away in disgust and refused to have anything more to do with me for some time, because our religious beliefs told us we were sinners for having sexual relations of any kind outside of marriage.
2. Phil: He got me to forget about Shawn and Peter. He was the love of my life. I told him my secrets; we secretly formed a spiritual marriage; we passionately desired each other.
Then he, too, tossed me away because I refused to let him break my spirit and make me an obedient wife who did everything he wanted no matter how painful, degrading or disgusting, and refused to let him verbally and emotionally abuse me without my fighting back.
3. Richard: Because we were both already married, this was friendship and platonic love, no sexual elements at all. But it was a deep, emotional and intellectual connection: my spiritual mentor, my best platonic friend, a roommate for a time, so I told him very personal things, all my secrets. Those secrets included details about my exes and religious struggles. I trusted him and called him my brother.
Then his own dark secrets began coming to light: physical violence, manipulation, child abuse, vindictiveness.
After seeing with horror just how violent he could become with his own best friends over misunderstandings, because his wife forced him to do her bidding and abuse his own best friends (my husband, me, and at least one other friend), my husband and I broke off the friendship–only to receive no attempts at all from Richard to reconcile.
No apologies, just the expectation that all apologies and changed behavior would come from me and me alone. And, a couple of years later, the beginning of a year-long campaign of intimidation and stalking which continues to this day.
They just don’t want to face the fact that we broke off the friendship not because of me doing anything “wrong,” but because my husband and I both see them as abusive, histrionic, deceptive and manipulative.
Once I got out of the FOG during the process of writing about this, it was much easier to trace the lies and manipulations and put them all together, to recognize how they tried to gaslight me from the very beginning and still tried as recently as last year.
For them to admit that their own actions led to the breakup, would shatter their delusions and make them admit they behaved badly and wrongly.
I feel once again discarded with disgust by someone to whom I had opened up and shared my life story and secrets, to whom I told all the musings which my introverted mind usually keeps locked up for its own use.
I am quiet, shy, introverted, and have NVLD/Asperger tendencies. Making friends has never been easy, finding dates was never easy, and for many years I’ve lived far away from family and the people I grew up with.
So while I have made many good friends over the years, some of whom I still keep up with, I have been through many periods of loneliness.
Outgoing people tell shy people to just “be more social” and “talk to people” as if it were something everyone can just do and if you’re not doing it you’re just being stubborn. That isn’t the case at all.
Introverted brains work differently in social situations than extroverted brains do, and if shy people could just flick a switch and stop being shy, then they would never be shy in the first place.
When I open up to someone, and especially if I love him/her in some way, it’s because that person makes me feel safe emotionally. My quietness ends as I begin pouring out my innermost thoughts in long letters/e-mails to that person, whether it’s a lover or a friend, male or female. In person, the two of us can talk for hours.
When that person turns around and discards me with disgust, I feel that something about me is deeply unlovable, that the innermost thoughts people say they want to hear, must be bad somehow. Then the next time, it’s even harder to open myself up to someone else, for fear that it will happen again. I grow even quieter, even more reserved.
Extroverts and outgoing people should take note that these things do happen, that maybe that shy/quiet person is still like that because opening up to others keeps leading to pain and heartache.
This is why it’s been even harder after Richard’s discard of me, to move on to a new best friend. The more pain you get from opening up to people, the harder it is to open up to someone new. But I have opened up to three new people in the last year and a half, who have not discarded me. I think I can trust them.
I need to focus on the ones who have not discarded me: My husband knows me intimately in every way, yet has not discarded me after 18 years.
My best friends from college are still there for me. Mike still loves to hear from me. Sharon still loves to visit me. Catherine made it very clear on July 4 that she still loves me.
Old friends are still very kind on Facebook even though we have lived in separate states for many years. Friends nearby with whom I lost touch, are there for me again.
I need to realize that the ones who discarded me, are abusive and probably narcissists as well. That it is not a reflection on me, and does not make me unlovable in the least. I just need to be more careful whom I care about.
You will find that you have changed during the course of the relationship with a narcissist. You will walk away completely far removed from the beautiful woman you were when you entered it.
You may have gone from soft, sweet and feminine to hardened and bitter. From trusting, open and receptive to suspicious and untrusting. From self-assured and confident to being full of self-doubt and insecurities.
It will take some hard work on your part to let this damaged part of you go and find your old self again.
A NARCISSIST HAS A CALLOUS DISREGARD – FOR YOU
For most of us breaking up with a narcissist can leave us feeling confused, devastated, and untrusting of all men in the future.
Usually, when a relationship ends both parties grieve some, both parties have regrets and both parties have done things that they feel remorseful for.
But not a narcissist! He walks away from you with a cold, callous disregard. He feels nothing.
……A narcissist can turn from loving you to discarding you almost abruptly as it took for him to ‘idolize’ you after his first meeting you. Uh, what was that? About one date would you say?…….
Truth is, you didn’t exist to the narcissist. He is so totally and completely self-centered to the point of his being the only person in his life – ever.
You simply were a temporary ego-boost. A narcissist supplier (an enforcer and validation of his self-love). His mirror.
You were taken in by his phony charm simply because you trusted men. And now you are left with doubts, insecurities, questions, and extreme hurt that one you cared for could so easily ‘dismiss you’ and then walk away completely unmoved and untouched by the experience.
You want him to hurt, too. To show sorrow. To feel remorse.
So that you can feel important again. Like you mattered.
But you didn’t. And it has nothing to do with you. He simply is unable to care for anyone other than himself, no matter whom they are.
And deep inside you know that you have just wasted years of your life on someone who is an empty fraud. It’s like you imagined everything; nothing was real.
He was a masterful actor when he was getting his ego fed; but now that he is not getting his narcissistic supply from you anymore he simply – and completely – has totally erased you from his life.
It is important to remember that narcissists are ‘plotters’ and he has been plotting the destruction of the relationship since the very first moment his charming, but fake persona met you.
Expect your world to fall apart whereas his world will remain unscathed – as will his emotions. OOPS, pardon me, I made a mistake! Make that “his ‘lack of’ emotions”.
Narcissistic men haven’t any empathy for others, and will never take any direct responsibility for any pain they may have caused. They will never acknowledge their wrongdoings, or apologize to you, because they truly believe themselves to be perfect.
They project all their faults and flaws onto you, accusing you of the very things that they, themselves, are guilty of.
In fact, throughout your entire relationship, you probably were lead to believe that you were the problem when in actuality it was their narcissism that was at fault. You have subconsciously learned to take his attacks personally, because he is so very good at manipulating the people around him….
Yet, the narcissistic ex continually acts in abusive, bewildering and confusing ways. He is not above committing destructive acts. When the breakup becomes a reality, it is likely that his ‘false persona’ will completely disappear all together and you will most likely experience the most hurtful of behavior from him.
He is completely lacking in empathy, and – since he is not receiving any admiration from you anymore – he will dismiss you and discard you as worthless to him, consequently dropping any fake front that he use to put up in order to keep you in the relationship. –SexandMiami’s How falling in love with a narcissist has changed me forever
The above quoted post applies in various ways to all my ex-relationships with probable narcs, both boyfriends and friends.
The same goes for friends. A Narc likes friends that are shiny and new. That are entertaining or amusing.
That are reliable, even though he won’t be reliable when they call for him, or if he is, it’s because he is trying to keep them staying loyal to him, not because he cares about them, but because of the benefits they bring to his life.
Also, the Narcissist will immediately size up his friends as either capable or incapable of dominating. The Narc is always aware of whether he is in the dominant or submissive role in his relationships and friendships.
This is instinct to the Narcissist, who understands only power, not love or empathy. –Comment in thread How are narcissists with their friends?
Yeah, don’t go around thinking everyone’s a Narcissist just because they’re putting their needs and wants above yours. So much of Narcissism occurs in the Narc’s own mind that it’s hard to pick them out.
Some clues: do they live a transient lifestyle, move from place to place, or from job to job? Do they dump friends a lot?
Do they think very highly of themselves without an objective reason to do so (i.e., do they think they’re smarter or more attractive than they are, or do they pride themselves in whatever ability they really do have to an unhealthy, egotistical extent)?
Do they have trouble getting close to people? Do they seem controlling or manipulative? Do they have trouble with boundaries being set between them and other people? Do they fear intimacy?
Do they start a new relationship by building the other person up and acting like they’re perfect, only to tear them down over time and then dump them? Do they get offended when you criticize them for even minor reasons? –Comment in thread How are narcissists with their friends?
Yep. These last two quotes apply.