Articles from September 2013

Excellent blog post for victims of abuse who are told they “deserved” it

When Abusers Act Like Victims, Victims Get Abused by Liberty for Captives.  Quotes:

But it also sounded familiar.  Almost every victim of abuse–whether verbal, physical, sexual, or spiritual–has sat sweating in the presence of his or her abuser and felt the lens of blame turned back on them. This is called blame-shifting and it results in re-victimization of those who have suffered abuse.

Why Does it Happen?

When an abuser is in control—when his victim squirms beneath his gaze or suffers beneath his lash—the abuser feels that all is right with the world. …. He believes that the victim needs him—wants him, even—or that the victim at least deserves the abuse.

He admires his own golden qualities and may feed off the body and blood of religion like a parasite. He lives in rationalization and denial for so long that his lies become his truth.

But shatter those windows, expose those deeds, and pull an abuser wriggling into the sunlight and watch his sudden breathless explanations. Exposed for what he is—an abusive person guilty of sin—he feels outraged at the accusations…..

An article from NBC’s Today Show explains why Jerry Sandusky and his wife feel like they are the victims, despite Jerry being convicted of 45 out of 48 counts of child sexual abuse.

This is a pattern, folks. Perpetrators are often master manipulators and deceivers who blame-shift and accuse their victims of persecuting them or lying.

 

Article on how to confront an abuser

By Ken Singer, LCSW:

Disclosure is the act of telling someone about a secret or private information. With survivors of sexual abuse, it may occur immediately after the abuse, or years later.

Sometimes it is a planned or purposeful disclosure. Other times it is forced or accidental, or may come out in a therapy session where there was no intention to discuss it or any recollection of the abuse.

This article is written for survivors who want to disclose their abuse. Disclosure may made to a partner or spouse who is unaware of the abuse, a non-offending parent or relative, sibling, friend or other person the survivor believes should know.

This article is also about confrontation which will be covered in Part 2. The two acts, disclosure and confrontation, need to be well thought out to ensure success and reduce the possibility of additional trauma for the survivor.

As a rule, if there is going to be confrontation with a perpetrator, some disclosure will likely have taken place before the confrontation. There are reasons why disclosure should precede confrontation (if confrontation is going to take place at all. In many cases, confrontation is not recommended, but more on that later.) —Confronting Your Abuser

An Excellent Article on Emotional Abuse

The stuff in this article by Natalie P. sounds very familiar from various emotional abusers, including my ex Phil.  It also shows me that even Richard was a direct emotional abuser of me, not just an abuser of me by proxy for his abusive and controlling wife.

Some parts I especially noted as familiar for my most recent experience of emotional abuse:

Emotional abusers often display different personalities to other people in their lives – watch for a completely changed demeanor, behavior, body language and even tone of voice, when they are at work, or with a circle of friends.

The abuser may claim that this is just different “facets” of his personality, but in fact, it is a warning sign that he puts on different personas to suit the situation, and you will never know which one is the REAL person. It belies huge insecurities – the way children try to act like the crowd they are with in order to be accepted – and is an indication of the emotional immaturity of the typical abuser.

Emotional abusers, like physical abusers, can be exceedingly charming -that’s why it’s so hard for the victim of abuse – their friends only see the charming side, and don’t see the discourtesy, lies, meanness, condescension and rudeness that happens inside the relationship.

Because abuse is about power and control, the abuser will often try to become “buddies” or friends with his partner’s closest friends.

…Like physical abusers, emotional abusers will often stalk their former partners. The stalker’s objective is often to control her through cultivating fear rather than making direct or specific threats, or confronting her.

Sometimes this stalking can take the form of simply moving into the same neighborhood as a former partner, and letting her know, through friends, where he is living.

His move into her neighborhood will be “justified” by him for some specious reason, but the reality is, he can’t let go and is still trying to control her and inflict pain on her after the relationship is over.

This is a subtle form of terrorism, because abuse victims are often very emotionally (if not physically) afraid of their abusers once they wake up. She will know that she might run into him at the local convenience store, gas station, supermarket, or on a walk.

He is, in effect, pissing on her boundaries (something abusers have no respect for) and trying to make them his own. He may even begin dating someone who lives very close to her, so that he has an excuse to go by her house, or park his car nearby.

Ex-partners of abusers will often express fear of their abuser, and will have no desire to be anywhere near the abuser.

On the other hand, the abuser may try to appear as if he is calm, rational, and still supportive of his ex-partner, despite the fact that he will also express the opinion that he believes she is quite unstable.

He will make statements such as saying that he “bears her no ill-will”, etc., but then will show no respect for her boundaries or her requests for him to stay away from her.

The abuser will still inquire with friends as to how she is doing, implying that his inquiry is because he cares about her – he does care – about retaining those last vestiges of control, even after the breakup.

What he really wants to know is if she is suffering or doing badly, because that feeds his sick ego. He feels best when he puts other people in as much pain as he is in.

…If you are a victim of emotional abuse, you have to wake up to the fact that this person *does not love you* and probably hasn’t loved you for a very long time, if ever.

Because the truth of the matter is, someone who can be emotionally cruel, malicious, and compassionless with people who have given him their love and their trust, is so absorbed in self-hate that he is incapable of loving himself, much less anyone else.

What the abuser feels is obsession, not love.

…It is NOT wrong, or unhealthy to want someone to love and care about you and care for you, and to want to reciprocate. It is only through this kind of openness that we can achieve true intimacy with another individual. And two emotionally healthy people, CAN do this without becoming co-dependent.

Unfortunately, abusers violate the trust that this kind of relationship requires, and are incapable of true intimacy. They want you to be dependent.

People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don’t play on your insecurities and they don’t wage psychological warfare on you. They don’t blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don’t fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.

This fits all my emotional abusers.

 

Carolyn Hax (and the “nutterati”) Stick It to a Jealous Girlfriend

A letter writer is quite upset that her boyfriend of two years still talks–all the time–with his ex-wife of 30 years.  Even “put her foot down” over it, only to find he was still talking to the ex.  Carolyn Hax’s response was not what she expected.  For example:

But this is not up for debate: He has every right to this friendship. You can point out things that bother you, take offense at being lied to, and decide they’re too cozy and break up with him for it, but you can’t tell him who he can or can’t care about based on the way you think coupled people are supposed to behave.

The commenters “below the line” (whom Hax calls “nutterati”) also, for the most part, appear to agree with Hax, and consider the letter writer to be controlling, jealous, insecure, etc.  They note that she’s trying to control a grown man.

YES!

Column here: Why can’t these exes who are “bestest buddies” move on?

And here’s another one in the same vein:

Her hostile reaction to misfired introduction shows trust issues

This girlfriend throws a hissy fit because her boyfriend accidentally called her by his ex’s name, and still has pictures of the ex on his Facebook.  Then he didn’t grovel enough for her taste.  The commenters then started calling her very immature, hoping she’s about 21 and will grow up soon.

One commenter says, “Impossible to care about a person who is so intent on keeping score. Her behavior is poison to any relationship.  Assess the bigger picture, accept what is or don’t and move on.  IMO anyone this insecure and high maintenance is just too exhausting to bother with.”

I can attest to that: Even if you’re not the significant other, but a friend of the SO, this can be so exhausting that you finally say screw it and leave.

 

Proof my stalkers have backed off from trying to intimidate me

The fate of Richard and Tracy‘s church has concerned my church for some time now.  They sold their building, which had various problems including bad water, without having a new one lined up.  Their priests keep changing for one reason or another.

So the bishop suggested we merge, but nobody wanted to: Our churches are a couple counties apart, if they came to ours they’d have a long drive every Sunday, theirs was nonexistent, and if we found a midway point in the county between us, we’d have to sell our paid-for building and pay for a mortgage for a new one.

One of my friends wants to go there sometimes, because he lives around the midway point, but he keeps asking me if the church still exists because he can’t get information and the building is torn down.  Then he does get information, only to find they’re meeting in rented spots because they don’t have a building.

Earlier this summer, our archon (liaison between our church and the archdiocese) said R&T’s church had closed.  I have my own concerns, since if their church fails, will they become full-time members of mine?

So I check the website once in a while, but it hadn’t been updated for a year.  😛  (This is why I keep up my church website, because I know how frustrating that is.)  Last night, I finally found an update: They have not been meeting over the summer because they don’t even have a priest!

This amazed me because–Where have Richard and Tracy been going all summer, then (if they’re going anywhere)?  I haven’t been to every single service this summer because of stuff that happens, but I’ve been to most of them.  And I haven’t seen Richard and Tracy there for more than a year.

They also haven’t checked my blog for a month and a half.

I think they truly have backed down.  The threat is over.  I kept up my blog and didn’t back down, didn’t capitulate and call my truthful writings a lie, just to please them; now they’re gone.

Though I still wonder what will happen if their church does close, and dread the thought, that is a hypothetical worry, not one based in fact.  Maybe their church will find a way to keep surviving.  Or maybe R&T will move away.

So I must keep focusing on the here and now: Their church still exists, and even though they have not met all summer, R&T are not coming to mine.  Maybe the process of healing, and church continuing to be my oasis for a full year, will help me to deal with it better if they do show up again in the future.

Also, unlike last summer, when they specifically stated they were going to come to my church to intimidate me, this time I’ll know it has nothing to do with intimidating me.  It’s not their fault if their church does close.

So I can get to the point where I don’t care if I do see them, because their ability to hurt me will be gone.  Just like seeing Peter or Phil can no longer bother me, even though seeing them walk through the cafeteria doors set my teeth on edge back in college.

Heck, Peter and I have even kept in touch over the years, and are now Facebook friends.

I may still have to ask for mediation from the priest or a church member, to deal with the issue of sharing the Eucharist without eating and drinking condemnation unto ourselves.  But there is hope; the light is shining through; the end is in sight.

[Update 11/6/14: Shortly after, they resumed their blog stalking from different computers/IP addresses, but I have not seen them in person since.  Well, except once in a parking lot back in May.  And that’s despite the fact that their church is indeed closed, and there is no other Orthodox church in this county.]

[Update 3/14/16: See Now my church is officially merging with my abusers’ church.]

 

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