Probably late in the week of May 15, when we had finals, it was time for Clarissa and me to part as roommates. I would now be Sharon’s roommate in the apartments, and Clarissa wouldn’t have another roommate, at least not the following year.
Clarissa took a moment to be solemn, and said to me, “You’re the most interesting person I’ve ever met.” I don’t remember much of what we said that day, but I do remember that, and that it was sad to part.
I looked forward to rooming with Sharon, but my college life had included Clarissa as my roommate for so long that it was hard to imagine not living with her anymore.
Another sad thought: Muskie Pat was finally graduating after several years of taking more than one major. You always knew he’d cook your burger up right, and you couldn’t be sure of this with anyone else. Senior year, my Muskie burgers never did seem quite right.
He ended up marrying a girl in my class.
Dave soon graduated, and I remember his Pearl fussing over him and his cap and gown and everything on the day, and talking so proudly of him. I believe she graduated the year before. He ended up working in the sporting goods section of a home improvement store in S–.
I think it was just before the beginning of summer vacation when Phil and I went with Dirk to see a movie. They asked me what I wanted to see; it was a “guy” movie, with action and a bit of gore, so they were surprised (and pleased) when I picked it out.
But it was a good movie, a science fiction one with prisoners held on a tropical island in the future. The name was No Escape.
I don’t think the movie was very popular, because it was just the three of us in the theater with a big tub of buttery popcorn, free to talk or put our feet on the chairs in front of us. That was a good time.
Phil and I drove to my home on Sunday, May 22, 1994. The circumstances surrounding it were really trying.
It started when my mom suggested that Phil bring me home and then stay the summer. There were lots of places looking to hire, and he’d have much better luck finding a job in South Bend than in S–. It would also help them a lot to not have to come pick me up, or pay for tolls in Illinois and Indiana.
Phil liked the idea. I had to tell Mom by Friday the 13th who would be taking me home, him or them.
Since they supported his driving me home for Easter Break, Phil thought his parents would support him driving me home and maybe even working in South Bend, so he mentioned it to his dad. His dad didn’t mind, but said to ask his mom.
Phil did, but she was against it. She said things like, he should be looking for a job now, we needed to spend time apart and not be together all the time, etc.
(Actually, it’s good that I spent so much time with him, because it taught me things about his character that I needed to know. And he was going to get a job in South Bend: That was the whole point, because the job market was better there!)
Just as she and his dad often said about me staying over all the time: “She doesn’t live here.” To this complaint, and to his mom saying not to take me home, he said to me, “You are my wife!”
Since she was against it, Phil’s dad joined with her. But his sister said, “You’re over eighteen. You don’t need their permission. If you want to do it, just do it.”
My mom didn’t want him disowned over it, and I told him so, but he said,
“Call your parents and tell them I’m taking you home for sure.”
He didn’t tell his own parents or brother about this, though. Instead of being an adult and not being ruled by his parents, he behaved like a child. He let them believe my parents would come up on Sunday to take me home, and that I’d stay at Phil’s house till then.
I hated the deception, especially when his mom started going on and on about cleaning up the house for my parents’ arrival, and how I could help. There was even talk of a little party.
I told Phil I hated this deception and secrecy, and that I’d rather he just told them, come what may. I wanted a way to tell his mom without causing a problem. But he still didn’t. (It was his job, not mine, since they were his parents.)
His brother or mom would ask one of us a question; he would answer somehow, and I would evade the question so I wouldn’t have to lie.
The day before we left, we were supposed to help clean up. I cleaned up Phil’s room while he was off somewhere else, vacuuming and possibly dusting it, and it looked better than it had the whole time I’d been with him.
I was proud of how it looked. I wasn’t going to sit around on my butt while everybody else cleaned, even though my parents weren’t really coming.
We filled up the van. It was partially packed already with things that I didn’t need at Phil’s house, on the pretext that we’d unpack them from his van into my parents’ vehicle.
Phil said nothing to his family (only his sister knew the truth), and had me take my stuff to the van and get inside. Then his dad came out and called to him. Phil went to him, and he asked what was going on. I didn’t watch or listen, but his dad didn’t yell or anything, just let him go. Phil went to his mom, kissed her, and said,
“There’s been a change of plan. I’m taking her home.”
She was too stunned to put up a fuss.
He couldn’t believe we kept the secret so long. I hated the whole thing. It made me feel terrible, but Phil wouldn’t have it any other way.
Doing what he wanted to do, while still living in his mom’s house, seems to have been hard for him. If he had more gumption to stand up to them and say he was an adult now, he would have said he was going to South Bend (no sneaking around), and we would have planned to get married probably before the end of the year.
Would there have been a secret marriage? Probably not, because we wouldn’t need to do anything secretly. And I wouldn’t have been forced to lie to my parents, either. The whole thing made me sick.
I probably expected to get a taste of what it would be like to be publicly married to Phil, but I had no idea how bad that taste would be.
Then Phil took the van to Firestone in S–, to get the oil changed and such. They told him the right outboard brake pad was 100% worn. 100%!
The brakes needed other repairs as well to make them work properly and safely again, but none of this was done on this day. More about this in the September chapter. We didn’t get to leave S– as soon as we planned, but we finally got home that evening.
Table of Contents
December 1991: Ride the Greyhound
January 1992: Dealing with a Breakup with Probable NVLD
March 1992: Shawn: Just Friends or Dating?
April 1992: Pledging, Prayer Group–and Peter’s Smear Campaign
October 1992–Shawn’s Exasperating Ambivalence:
Summer 1993: Music, Storm and Prophetic Dreams
- Classmate a stand-in for “Rudy”; Jigging at College Dance
- Library Tales
- Happiness Returns
- Living with Friends in Krueger
- Funny Library Stories
- Shawn Calls
- Psycho Roommates and Bug Wars
- Return of Rick
- Adjusting to New Dorm
- Spitball-Throwing Teacher
- Rat-Obsessed Teacher and Doctor Zhivago
- A Teacher Dated a Student; InterVarsity Fun
- Charlie Peacock Concert
- Random Stories
- Letter to Shawn
- Erotic Vampire Dream (Inspiration for Alexander Boa)
- I Ask Out James
- Peter Calls!
- The Fateful First Meeting of Phil
- The Birth of Dolphin Philosophy
- Our Group of Friends Splits Apart
- Spring Classes
- Big Red Flag: Phil’s Dysfunctional Family Life
- The Drunken Stork (Phil’s Controlling Nature Manifests)
- Idealizing Phase and Early Sign of Control
- Phil Tries to Control my Friendships, Unfair Accusations from his Dad and Brother
- Phil Gaslights Me with Fake Dreams, Ridicule and Psychological Abuse
- Another Pre-Engagement
June 1994–Bits of Abuse Here and There:
- The Abuse Worsens in the Summer of Hell
- Phil rapes me anally
- Phil tries to control me through refusing everything I want–even proper hygiene
- Phil’s cruel hoax on me: his “subconscious” coming out to be with me
- Phil’s “subconscious” explains why he’s coming out to talk to me
- The lies unravel as Phil admits to conning me; also, fright as my periods turn wacky
- How Phil’s behavior fit the signs of abuse
- Phil Mindscrews Me: changes history, blames me for things that were not my fault, treats me like an idiot during games
- Phil says if he abuses me, it takes two people to sign the divorce papers
- Pearl reveals that Phil is costing me social invitations
- Hints that Phil is checking out of the marriage
September 1994–Divorce: The Long, Dark, Painful Tunnel:
- Phil picks fights and avoids responsibilities to make me feel like a shrew
- My husband Phil, Dave and Pearl call me a party pooper for getting a Grade II concussion
- I’m ecstatic to be back with my friends (the ones Phil hates); I meet Charles
- Phil vanishes without a word of why
- Phil wants a divorce
- My friends tells me that Phil is controlling and possessive
- My first Pentecostal church service: They speak in tongues
- Phil refuses to accept responsibility for the divorce
- Phil cuts off contact
- Attack of Phil’s Flying Monkey and Sycophant: Dirk
- Phil the narcissist admits to manipulating people and using them as pawns in his game with me
- Phil comes crawling back to me–and we put our marriage on paper
- Phil demands my complete submission and forces me into oral sex–and my will is broken, for fear he’ll divorce me again
- Phil walks away from me again–because I dare to have my own mind, opinions and needs–and because he’s a sociopath
- Fierce anger against Phil and PTSD from the abuse
- My friends tell me Phil is psychotic
- “Soul Ties”
- I return Phil’s things and he skewers me; consolation from friends
- My letter to Phil
- Phil shows my letter to his friends; I’m triggered by reminder of forced oral sex
- I start dating Charles
- Friends tell me Phil is controlling
- I feel stalked by Phil
- Poem about being stalked by Phil
- Fury at Phil stalking me and rubbing my face in his new relationship
- A Date with the Vampire
- Celtic Class: Knotwork, Tin Whistles, SCA–and Drinking from a Skull
- The Teddy-O Incident; Birth of These Memoirs
- We Hook Up to the Internet–and Shawn Fixates on My Sex Life
- New Guy Begging at My Feet
- Life on TCB
- Meeting Cugan (Hubby)
- Learning my ex Peter was a love-fraud; New Men
- Before Tracy, There Was the Avenger (Sociopathic Female Bullies Pt 1)
- Torn between three men as Catherine pushes me toward Cugan
- The Love Rectangle
- Torn between FIVE men! Me?
- Persephone’s Own Outrageous Stories of Phil’s Abuse
- College-style living
- Online Shenanigans
- Phil Finds TCB; Meeting a Hit Man
- Gypsy’s Party: Healed friendship with Peter
- The Avenger Starts a Flame War (Sociopathic Female Bullies Pt 2)
- Meeting the elusive Speaker
- First Date with Future Hubby Cugan
- On Breaking Up with Kindness
- Loony Roommies and Flying Gargoyles
- The Goddess of Pleasure and Salt
- A Conversation with Oscar Wilde
- My First SCA Event
- Cugan: a vast improvement over Phil
- Easter with Cugan’s family and SCA
- Cugan breaks up with me
- After breakup: Phil’s return and trolls
- Cugan comes back
- SCA hippies; college senioritis: anxiety!
- Or should I move back in with my parents?
- Peace with Phil
- Defending my Thesis; Graduating with Honors
- Graduation: Trapped at school
- Epilogue and Apology from Phil