Nyssa's Hobbit Hole

Year: 2015 (page 1 of 22)

Coming face to face with my dad’s cancer

At the moment, the prognosis is not good: one or two years.  No change, good or bad, in the last scan.

Because we are two states away and have to go through heavy traffic and tolls in between, along with paying for a hotel room, it has become much harder to make the trip than it used to be.  So the last time we saw my family was two years ago.  Back then, there was no known cancer.  My dad has changed significantly in that time, his vigor gone, his body wasting.  He still has hair, at least.

My mom is tired.  My brother who lives with them, was always a pesky bully, but Mom says he’s mellowed quite a bit because of dad’s illness.  He even stuck around to socialize with us instead of vanishing into his upper suite.

It is difficult to hear them speak of funeral plans and realize that I could see my dad in one in a short time.

I recently dreamed that I was at college still, and he came to visit for a father-and-daughter day.

Over the weekend, hubby, son and I drove through the streets of my hometown, and I showed my son the sights: the big buildings downtown, the artwork and East Race of the river outside the Century Center, the sidewalk where I believe I got lost at age 2, my childhood church and the stained glass window-wall.  Only the red-brick road by the church, with its familiar hum, has been paved over long since.

And I remembered my youthful dad taking me to church sometimes when it was just the two of us, all sorts of memories of the old days.  Youthful meaning, the same age I am now.  He and Mom were the same ages at my birth, as my husband and I were at our son’s.

Then last night, my MP3 player, hooked up to the car stereo, played this song about losing a loved one:

And while this strain takes hold, I see my stalkers return to my site and then check out the church website on Christmas Eve.  (I run it, and saw their IP visit both my and the church’s sites.  No one at my church knows about my personal website.)  I wonder if they’re planning to annoy me again or, by some slight chance, make peace.

If you have any mercy at all, my stalkers, make peace or leave me in peace.  This is difficult enough.

 

My son’s Lego Dalek

My son made this last week:

LegoDalek

Isn’t that awesome?  🙂  Oh, and the head swivels.

Please forgive the picture quality: An 11-year-old took it with his DS.  🙂

 

Obsessed with Writing Novel About Obsession

I just looked at a calendar and figured that in about a month’s time (not sure of the exact start date), I’ve written about 30,000 words of my Unwilling Time-Traveler massive rewrite.  That’s half a standard-size novel.

It’s turning into a story of obsession.  I changed the ages of Madge and Bismarck to entirely change the nature of their relationship.  It’s turned into one of those abusive narc-controller relationships, as Madge discovers her love is a Nazi, and fights to get away–and also rather Gothic as he locks her up.  Sort of a Gothic/Sci-Fi/WWII story.

And meanwhile, I’m obsessed with my story of obsession.

I won’t reveal more, because saying too much about a story before it’s finished, could lead to never finishing it.  I also don’t like to show my writing to anyone before it’s done.

It’s filling my brain constantly.  It’s exhilarating, having all these creative thoughts flooding my mind at all times.

Also a bit inconvenient, because I’m still trying to keep up with household responsibilities and my reading.  🙂  (For years, along with novels, I’ve been feeding my brain every night with historical or theological works, news, the Bible, and learning four different languages.  It prevents brain drain.)

And in only a month, half of the novel is done.  I’m still working on the plot, which was already in my head (the original story) but has morphed quite a bit over the past month.  Filling in characterization and showing (not telling) should take care of the word count once the basic plot is finished.

And while I work, I’ve discovered that Industrial Goth/EBM is wonderful for keeping the inspiration going.  It’s all I want to listen to these days.  Shout-Out to Sanctuary Goth Industrial Radio, which gives me what I crave.  Also these tracks, which are full of the energy and passion this work needs:

Gelöbnis–PAL (Terrorfakt RMX)

Rain–Project Pitchfork

Only Better (Alien6 Mix)–Mesh

Age After Age–Frozen Plasma

Difficult to Kill (Torulsson Remix)–Torul

The entire Digital Infaction Strike 2 album

(all of which I first heard on Sanctuary Radio)

 

Had another one of those dreams this morning…. (forgiveness?)

The ones where Richard and I see each other out and about, and just sit and start talking pleasantly.  We patch things up.  In this one, I beckoned him over and asked how he was.  He even talked about Tracy like she was working on herself, and they were happy now.

I don’t know where this came from, because I’ve barely thought of them at all for some time, except while doing site maintenance on old posts.

Could it be…forgiveness of a sort, showing up in my dreams?

I recall, years ago, having dreams of my abusive ex Phil, too, some 15 years after I last saw him.  I asked Richard about it, and he said maybe it’s closure.  Maybe that’s the case here, too.

It’s probably come into my dreams again because on Sunday, we vote on whether or not to merge with Richard’s church.  (That is, assuming he still has anything to do with it or even still lives in town.)

Maybe I’m at the point where anger can cease, but without putting me at risk of further pain or naïveté.  The anger was a talisman for years, warding off a return to depression.  I don’t need it anymore.

 

Reblog: It’s not just Trump: Islamophobia in America is spiraling out of control

My friend Todd shared this post on Facebook, noting that it’s now like 1933 Germany, and we have to decide whether to go along with those who claim the “foreigners” are threats, or stick up for them and “potentially be the first ones in the camps”:

It’s not just Trump: Islamophobia in America is spiraling out of control

This post does not blame just Republicans or just FOX News.  It also includes the left, along with TV news media in general (including CNN) and movies.

And as I research WWII for my massive rewrite of Unwilling Time-Traveler, I see the comparisons as well.  Normally I just dismiss comparisons to Nazi Germany, which have become ubiquitous in today’s politics (so much so that you could make a drinking or bingo game based on them), but this one is legit.  And there’s Trump, the narcissist sociopath making speeches stirring up crowds who think he’s God-sent, talking about Muslim registries.

We can stop this before it gets any worse.

Also see: Muslim Americans: Political Climate worse than after 9/11

 

 

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