Reblog: What happens when you send your N “the letter”

Quote from the Narcissist’s Child:

I have read many reports of the aftermath of sending that heartfelt NC letter that contained a long list of the narcissist’s hurtful behaviours and words. I have never heard of a favourable reaction. Not once have I heard of a narcissistic mother suddenly finding her heart and feeling it squeezed with pain for her suffering child.

What I have heard of…and experienced myself…it receiving a scathing letter in return, full of denial, gaslighting, twisting of the victim’s words, projection, accusations, and outright lies. I have heard of letters full of fauxpologies (“I am sorry you feel that way…”) and verbal attacks, accusations of wrongdoing on the part of the victim, and threats.

I have heard of letters accusing the victim of being mentally incompetent, expressing sorrow and concern for the victim’s children (thinly-veiled threats about the victim’s competence to have custody of those children) and outright threats of ruining the victim’s name in the family and community, even in her workplace.

I have heard of letters in which the NM pretends a breakdown because of the letter, in which she claims to have become emotionally overwrought and her health negatively affected by the cruelty of the victim’s letter.

I have heard of letters in which the NM vows that she will never be shut out and letters in which the NM shuts the victim out. I have heard of virtually anything you can imagine short of promising murder…or making a sincere apology and heartfelt promise to do better.

I didn’t have to deal with N parents, rather N “friends.”  But this is much the same as what happened to me.  In my case, I didn’t actually send a letter, though I did write one intended to be sent to Richard on my death (when his wife Tracy could no longer do anything in retaliation).

See, I thought Richard at least had a heart, that Tracy was the narcissist making him do her bidding.

But I did blog–using changed names–about what happened.  This blog was meant to vent my feelings, work out what happened, and provide a resource for others going through the same thing.

Yeah, well, they found it.  And sent a scathing e-mail which matches everything the above blogger warns of.  You can read it here.

For three years, my Ns have continued to read my blog regularly, yet have never once expressed remorse or admitted to wrongdoing.  And that includes Richard, not just Tracy, telling me that my worst suspicions are true:

That Richard also is a narcissist, not just Tracy.

Now, it has done me some good anyway, because I was able to defend myself to them at last.  I felt stifled from this before.  However, it never got the intended result: their repentance.  (And they claim to be Christians.  You can tell true Christians by their actions.)

Maybe results from such a letter to the N are not as horrific if it’s not your family, or you don’t have a lot of the same friends.  Mine threatened to start coming to my church, but stopped soon after.  I have no idea where they go now, if anywhere.  But if your N has all sorts of connections to your life, I can imagine this being a huge threat:

The fall out was horrific. Family members were lied to. My work place was contacted. I received threats that the letter I wrote would be sent to my friends. I received threats that my children would be contacted and told “what their mother is really like”. Siblings who rely on her financially cut ties. Legal action was threatened. —Anonymous, in a comment

I can’t help wonder if my own Ns threatened me with legal action, accusing me of threatening them with some kind of widespread defamation campaign, NOT because I ever made such a threat, but because that’s what THEY would do.

The blog post is here: What happens when you send your N “the letter” by The Narcissist’s Child

Fraternities, Sororities, Masonic Lodge

Should Christians join the Freemasons?  The trouble with a secretive society is that it’s hard to make definite judgments about what it does or teaches.  The Wikipedia article is here.  Still, from what I’ve researched, the charges against the Freemasons are highly exaggerated.

However, various Christian denominations forbid membership in the Freemasons.

What about fraternities and sororities?  Do they come under the common ban on secretive societies?  Should they?

It can be argued that hazing and excessive (often underage) drinking are unChristian, best left alone by the Christian college student.

During my short-lived time pledging a sorority, I was hazed in occasionally humiliating ways, all in the name of “unity.”  (This in a Christian college which forbade hazing.)

How is it unifying for one sister to haze another?  It unified us pledges, but against the actives.

Once, while visiting friends in a sorority living suite, I overheard Sigma frat pledges getting paddled in the Sigma meeting room up above.

And pledges in many such organizations are forced to drink far too much in far too short a time, sometimes resulting in death from alcohol poisoning.

I recommend that Christian students avoid fraternities and sororities which use hazing of any kind, discriminate against non-members, and/or give alcohol to minors.

Here’s one take on the issue from a nondenominational site.

The view of WELS, a very conservative branch of Lutheranism: Membership in Sororities/Fraternities, Organizations: Sororities, Other Lodges

The view of LCMS, which is conservative but less so than WELS: Lodges, Fraternal Organizations and Fraternities, Campus Crusade for Christ, Boy Scouts, Masons

The Orthodox view, which is against Freemasonry but apparently not fraternities/sororities: Masonic Fraternity

The Nazarene view:

We hold specifically that the following practices should be avoided…Membership in oath-bound secret orders or societies.  The quasi-religious nature of such organizations dilutes the Christian’s commitment, and their secrecy contravenes the Christian’s open witness. –p. 46, Manual/1997-2001

 

Written probably in 2006/2007

Index to my theology/church opinion pages:

Page 1:

Tithing 
End Times and Christian Zionism 
God’s Purpose/Supremacy of God Doctrine 
Cat and Dog Theology 
Raising One’s Hands in Worship 
Christian Music 
On the “still, small voice” and Charismatic sign gifts
On church buildings 
The Message Bible 
The Purpose-Driven Life 
The Relevance Doctrine, i.e. Marketing Churches to Seekers 
Republican Party 
Abortion Protests 
Creation 
The idea that God has someone in mind for you 
Literalism in Biblical interpretation
Miscellaneous 

Page 2:

Name it and Claim It Doctrine, Prosperity Doctrine, Faith-Formula Theology, Word-Faith Theology,  Positive Confession Theology, Health and Wealth Gospel, and whatever else they call it
More about Pat Robertson
Dr. Richard Eby and others who claim to have been to Heaven
Women in Marriage/the Church
Spiritual Abuse 
Other Resources 

Page 3:

Why do bad things happen?
Should we criticize our brethren’s artistic or evangelistic attempts?  Or, how should we evangelize, then?
Angels: Is “This Present Darkness” by Frank Peretti a divine revelation or fiction?
Halloween: Not the Devil’s Holiday!
Hell and the Nature of God 
Is Christmas/Easter a Pagan Holiday? 
Is everybody going to Hell except Christians?
How could a loving God who prohibits murder, command the genocide of the Canaanite peoples? 
What about predestination?
Musings on Sin, Salvation and Discipleship 
An Ancient View which is in the Bible, yet new to the west–Uncreated Energies of God

Page 4:

Dialogues
The Didache 
Technical Virginity–i.e., how far should a Christian single go? 
Are Spiritual Marriages “real”?  (also in “Life” section, where it’s more likely to be updated) 
Does the Pill cause abortions, or is that just another weird Internet or extremist right-wing rumor?
What about Missional Churches, Simple Churches, Fluid Churches, Organic Churches, House Churches or Neighborhood Churches?
Is Wine from the Devil–or a Gift from God?
What is Worship? 
Evangelistic Trips to Already Christianized Countries
Fraternities, Sororities, Masonic Lodge 
Was Cassie Bernall a Martyr?
Some Awesome Things heard in the Lamentations Service (Good Friday evening) during Holy Week

Conversion Story

Phariseeism in the Church

Great news: Walker is out of the race

He’s been at this since long before he officially announced his presidency.  The local papers have been full of accolades from various Republican politicians (even–sniff–Tommy Thompson–et tu?).  I didn’t think he’d drop out so quickly–thought he’d fight (unintimidated) till the bitter end:

Scott Walker drops out of race

Maybe his Koch overlords pulled their support….

Now I no longer fear that he’ll tear apart this country the same way he ripped apart Wisconsin.

Now I just hope we don’t end up with President Clown (ie, Trump).

I mean, seriously?  Donald Trump?  for President?

Every day, I update old posts and pages.  Maybe now I can remove old posts about Walker which were meant to warn the country about him.  🙂

At least half the time, the people I vote for, don’t get elected.  So I have to consider the possibility that a Republican candidate will end up President.

So rather than like SOME people do–crossing party lines during primaries to vote for the worst candidate of the other party so their own party will win–

I hope that the best, not-crazy Republican candidate will be nominated.

It actually brings me joy to discover that I like both candidates in an election.  Especially since our country’s welfare is in the hands of these people we elect.

One down, one crazy to go.

 

 

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