Nyssa's Hobbit Hole

Month: September 2016 (page 1 of 2)

Reblog on toxic troll culture online–and rise of Trump

I recommend Kali Holloway’s The Toxic, Bullying Troll Culture Has Made Much of the Internet Dangerous; Just Perfect for Donald Trump’s Political Rise.

It’s about the rise of dangerous trolling on the Net–no longer “just for lulz”–and how it’s contributed to the rise of Trump as well.  This is because of the increasing acceptance in the modern “troll culture” for misogyny, racism, neo-Naziism, and the like.

For example:

“In a sense, we’ve managed to push white nationalism into a very mainstream position,” one anonymous white nationalist and Trump supporter told Olivia Nuzzi, writing at the Daily Beast. “Trump’s online support has been crucial to his success, I believe, and the fact is that his biggest and most devoted online supporters are white nationalists. Now, we’ve pushed the Overton window. People have adopted our rhetoric, sometimes without even realizing it. We’re setting up for a massive cultural shift.”

This, by the way, is one main reason why I do not allow comments on this website.  It cuts off conversation, yes, but it also keeps out the trolls, especially on a site which discusses my own experiences of abuse and harassment.

I’ve seen plenty of this kind of behavior online, and now see the neo-Nazis all over the place on Youtube while researching WWII.  I used to hang out on gaming sites and in IRC chats with my now-ex-friend Richard; the behavior I saw there was deplorable, but constant.  It’s a main reason why I don’t hang out there anymore, or on forums like 4chan.

The following reminded me of Richard’s claim that my experience of sexual harassment from his online friends wasn’t “real” and that I was being ridiculous and just needed to “get over it”:

“The thing that’s so bizarre is this demarcation, IRL, in real life, versus some otherwise place known as the internet,” Phillips told me. “The thing about real life is that it pretty much subsumes everything. It’s not that the line is fuzzy. There is no line, and it makes no sense for there to be a line other than the fact that it’s often used as a post hoc justification for certain people’s terrible behavior.

“It becomes part of a sort of apology: ‘I didn’t actually hurt your feelings because I said it to you online.’ What the hell does that even mean? It’s just a way of perpetrators to hide behind technologies and language to justify them doing whatever it is they feel like doing that the rest of us apparently have to deal with.”

“Just because something happens in an online space doesn’t mean that it isn’t fundamentally connected to that person’s embodied identity and experience,” Phillips added. “Of course it is. You can’t go online if you don’t have a body.”

When trolls patronizingly suggest their targets become thicker skinned, avert their eyes from the torrents of abuse or simply step away from the computer, they’re attempting to diminish the very real consequences their bad—in some cases and states, criminal—behavior has on real people.

“It doesn’t make any sense,” Phillips told me. “That you can just choose not to react emotionally and maybe if you weren’t so emotional then you wouldn’t be having these problems, so stop complaining. This is ultimately about you being too emotional.

“Think about the preponderance of this abuse that’s targeted specifically toward women and queer people and people of color. It’s very easy or comparatively easy for a white dude to be like, ‘Well then, just don’t take offense to racism.’ It becomes a mechanism of controlling, trying to police those sort of emotive boundaries of groups that have very real and embodied reasons for getting pissed off when they have to deal with certain kinds of content.”

I highly recommend this post.

 

Experience makes my writing richer

The grief of a parent passing is not just my grief, but everyone’s.  There are exceptions, of course–parents who terrorized their kids, kids dying before their parents–but it is universal.

Going through this myself, has given me new insights and maturity.  It also has altered the novel I’m working on, the rewrite of Unwilling Time-Traveler.  In the rewrite, Bismarck’s father dies, but it was just a note here and there, explaining that Bismarck had just inherited the family estate.

But now, I had some grief and trauma from the bedside experience, which I wanted to purge somehow.  I wanted to write about it, but not as a blog post or in letters to friends.  Some things are just too disturbing for that, especially when it’s about your own loved one.

But here was a chance to put it into words, not about my own dad, but about a fictional character.  A way to portray those moments, but altered to fit a different family.

And in putting that into my book, I have also altered the plot again–now combining four characters into two, and turning things into a slightly different track and focus.  Now Bismarck’s brothers, who before were just bit players off to the side, are taking on a larger role, absorbing them into two other characters who were more prominent.  I’m excited to see how this will change the story.

Last fall sometime, I thought my story was done.  Turns out that was just one possibility for how the story could go.  At a recent writer’s club meeting, one of our published authors (traditional, not self!) noted that writers get stuck on a story having to go the way they’ve already written it.  But until it’s published, you can alter it any way you want to.  You can change scenes, cut scenes, alter characters, change the plot.

And my story–though the first version was fun to write–keeps changing as I come up with new ideas and focuses.  Bismarck used to be evil, but over time he’s become a flawed but well-meaning character.  Madge’s true love used to be Torsten, then became Scott–and now has become Bismarck himself.

I hold onto every version of my story, not just in case I change my mind and want to revert to an earlier one, but because those earlier versions were fun to write.  I may want to read them over again years from now.  But the one that ultimately gets sent to publishers–We won’t know how that’ll look until I finish it!

 

 

Are we being too harsh on lower-level narcissists?

A couple of posts by another blogger:

Sam Vaknin’s damaging “definition” of NPD

The demonization of narcissism

We can’t deny that abuse happens, that some people are evil, that malignant narcissism exists.  A simple glance at crime reports, ISIS, Nazis, politics, and the like, will confirm that.  Just reading about Lance Armstrong convinced me that he was a narcissist, and that his “repentance” was not for real.

The trouble is that lower-level narcissists and borderlines may get lumped into the “evil” category.  Not every narc is the same; not every borderline is the same.  Heck, it’s said that we are all on a narcissism continuum, that without any narcissism, we’d be doormats.

I suppose we writers must have some form of narcissism, to want to share our lives and stories with the world in our writing.  Yet I know I have no desire to hurt or use others like a narc.  I just want to write and be read.

While my own experience with BPD is an abusive woman described here, Tracy is not the only person with BPD whom I’ve ever known.  I’ve also known borderlines who do not wish to abuse anyone.

It’s because they’re all people.  I’m an introvert, for example, but on the extreme end of it.  Yet I still enjoy spending time with friends, and not just at home with a book.  Other introverts may be far less shy and not nearly as quiet.  Not all introverts are the same.  Not all NPDs or BPDs are the same, either.

As a Christian, I have a hard time seeing anyone as irredeemable.  However, I recognize some people are so far gone that they just don’t want to be redeemed.  But does that mean every NPD is on the road to perdition?  Not if they repent.  Can they repent?  Maybe a malignant narcissist won’t, but what about one who’s not malignant?  Are they all malignant?

The other blogger writes,

Sam [Vaknin] is not a nice person. I have personally experienced Sam’s toxic behavior (I’ll go into more detail about this later) and came away wounded but much wiser. He is everything he says he is, and his book “Malignant Self Love” makes his self hatred all too evident. It’s a dark and depressing read, and his overall attitude is very negative.

Sam has generalized his deep hatred toward himself to ALL people with NPD. He is the person who is most likely responsible for all the hatred and stigmatization flung at ALL people with NPD on so many of the narc-abuse sites and that attitude has spread like wildfire across the web in recent years.

Before Sam came along and started posting about narcissism back in 1995, NPD was just a psychiatric diagnosis. Now, it’s equated with something more akin to demonic possession.

Yes, of course malignant and high spectrum NPDs can be quite evil, but lower spectrum narcissists are really no more evil than anyone else with a severe mental disorder who act out because of defense mechanisms instilled in them during childhood.

I do still have hope for the narcs who haven’t yet lost their souls.  I actually know a couple of borderlines who do not seem abusive at all, and have been in therapy.  I have also read about different kinds of borderlines: ones who are full of angst and may try to kill themselves, but mean no harm to others; also ones who are high-functioning and narcissistic.  Obviously the second type would be more malignant, but not the first.

I especially hope this, because of the possibility that Tracy and her husband will eventually come to my church.  I can hope that the teachings of Christ will finally get through to their hearts and influence them to repent for how they’ve treated people.  I can see behavior in their visits to my blog which makes me suspect–is that a trace of compassion?

In the early days after their abuse, all I could see was an evil couple.  Nowadays, I still see their behavior as evil, but them–Evil?  I don’t know about evil.  Despicable behavior, but not irredeemable people.  I have seen behavior in Richard that I don’t think was fake emotion.

I was abused so badly by my ex Phil, and in so many different mind-screwing ways (as you can see here), that I’m convinced he’s a narcissist.  And yet nine years ago, I got an apology from him.  We’re actually civil online, the few times we’ve interacted since then.  Lower-level and not malignant, perhaps?

The other blogger writes:

I’m certainly not saying that the victim sites aren’t helpful, because they definitely are (I have one myself–although I cover a lot of other topics too).  I’m also not suggesting that narcissistic abuse victims should enable or stay with a narcissist or not go No Contact, or that narcissists aren’t dangerous (they are), but this wholesale vilification of all people with this particular disorder has gotten way out of hand, and Brown thinks it was Sam Vaknin who got the ball rolling on that. I think he is right.

She also writes that Vaknin’s definitions of narcissism combine traits from various different disorders which he suffers from, not just narcissism.  (She also posted a follow-up after seeing my reblog, here.)

Some of the narc blogs and abuse blogs do go to an extreme, lumping all narcs into the “evil” category, then spurring you on to hate them and never let go of the hate.  The trouble with that is you get so focused on the hate that you forget there are good things in life, too.  Do you really want to spend all your days stuck in anger over what happened?  Or do you want to let the anger separate you from the narcissist, then let it go from a distance?

Evil does exist, malignant narcissism does exist, and denying this will only make you vulnerable.  The experiences of the narc-abuse victim need to not be dismissed.  Just like you shouldn’t tell a rape victim to “get over it” or pity the rapist.  The victims of narc-abuse should not be scolded for being “bitter” or “not forgiving” when they see in the eyes of the narcissist that he’s not sorry.  I also spent a little time (all I could stomach) reading the blog of a guy who claims to be a narcissist–and loves it.  He seems to have no conscience or human feeling.

But the danger comes in believing that all narcissists are like this and will never change.  Or that all borderlines are the same.  I have seen for myself, on one of the more extremist blogs, how this attitude has turned the blogger and his/her commenters into a group of bullies.  I see them demonstrating the same narcissistic behavior they condemn.

I also noted that after several years of writing about and finally beginning to move past my own experiences of narc abuse into a place of healing, of letting go of the anger and moving on–

returning to this person’s blog felt like stepping back into anger and a desire for vengeance.

This horrified me because I had been a huge fan of this blog for some time, and thought it was correct about narcissists and how to deal with them.  I adopted many of its attitudes and considered it helpful.  It affected the very language I used in writing or thinking about narcissists: words like deranged and insane.

Then I had a huge wake-up call about this blogger, after the events I describe here.  Another person got bullied by the same blogger and friends for daring to say that not all narcissists are malignant and incurable.

Now I had to backtrack and ponder how much the blog was just encouraging me to become a narcissist myself.

Yet that blog is HUGELY popular.

In this post is embedded a video in which Vaknin discusses the modern phenomenon of narc blogs and the narc abuse victim community, and how it’s turned into a groupthink: Dare to suggest that not all narcs are demons, and you’re turned on, the old mob violence.  Vaknin even says it’s because Americans got involved, that our culture/religion is very fundamentalist and puritanical, God vs. the Devil.

He said his purpose was NOT to inspire a mob, but to bring closure to victims of narcissists.  Meanwhile, the groupthink online refuses to let the narrative turn away from Good vs. Evil, even though the latest research says otherwise.  You do so, and you’re accused of being a “narc lover” making excuses for and pitying the narc.

As I wrote in the comments here,

The trouble is when you get abused by someone who exhibits these traits, you don’t want to empathize with them, because those traits caused the abuse. In the early days, I also found sources that said these people choose to be this way. Well, if they choose to abuse you, you don’t want anything to do with them. Victims also fear that the focus will be taken off the harm that was done, while everyone pities the abuser instead.

But at the same time, as a Christian, the idea of irredeemable evil is abhorrent to me. I believe that anyone could potentially be redeemed. In fact, my conversion to Orthodoxy started when I discovered some of the Orthodox saints believed in some form of universalism. It wasn’t “official” church doctrine, but I identified with their heart. There are even beliefs of Christ preaching to the already-dead….I don’t want to get into all that here, but basically, I don’t want to give up hope for anyone.

But evil does exist, and some people do fit the description. And many of them end up in positions of power. We can be empathetic to a degree, but too far leaves us vulnerable.

The takeaway I get from all this can be summed up this way: Of course what happened to us was wrong.  Of course there is evil in the world.

But the purpose of learning about narcissism is NOT to make yourself some kind of crusader against all the narcs in the world, but to help you learn, understand–and then heal and move on.

It’s to help you learn about reasons why people might end up behaving a certain way, not to excuse the abuse, but to recognize that you didn’t deserve it.

It’s also to help you figure out ways to avoid becoming a victim again, to help you not just to recognize narcissistic behavior in others, but to recognize your own vulnerabilities and attraction to such people.

Just as I realized that gullibility and loneliness keeps making me susceptible to such people and their lies, so I need to be more careful.  It doesn’t mean I deserved what happened.

Calling yourself a narcissist “magnet” is not helpful if that means you have no responsibility whatsoever in figuring out why you’re susceptible.  Do you really want to keep being a victim over and over, or do you want to enjoy life?

 

The undercurrent of grief after Dad’s passing

One thing I’ve noted about grief after the death of a parent from disease, is that it’s different from a romantic or friendship breakup: There was no rejection.  It is acute, but in a different way.  I wonder at the lack of tears.

But then, I cried quite a bit the day of his death.  Not after, but before.  I knew it was coming, I was by his bedside, his breathing had become rough, and he was now in a comatose state.  His pain made me cry.  I couldn’t bear it.  Seeing my mom, his primary caregiver, worn out, made me cry.

I had hoped to spend all week spending time with him, watching TV with him since the lung cancer was taking his breath away.  But it took him so quickly that he was barely verbal the first couple of days I was there.  He’d been fighting two other forms of cancer but beating them.  Then the third was discovered, and the nurse gave him only a month.  He didn’t even last that long.  Even my brothers could barely stand it.

The first day I arrived, a Sunday, he could speak a little, and responded when we all surrounded his bedside.  He knew I was there.  The second, he managed to say a few intelligible sentences, though you could tell his mind was going.  The third, I don’t remember if he spoke at all.  The fourth, late in the evening, he left us.  As I told my mom, I didn’t have enough time.

Before he passed, I tried to still sort of spend time with him.  His bed was in the living room, so I turned on our old favorite shows, as a way to watch them “with” him.  He could barely attend to anything now, but Mom kept saying he could hear.

But the day he passed, as I heard his breathing, I began to break down.  But after he passed, I didn’t cry anymore.  Just once, on the way home after the funeral.  Maybe a few tears come to my eyes once in a while.

Maybe it’s because the pain is finally over for him.  Maybe it’s because we knew about this possibility for two years, as he battled the cancer.  Maybe it’s because the anniversaries haven’t started coming.

Well, actually, they have.  Remember how, after 9/11, we referred to it as “Tuesday,” before the first week passed?  It took a while before we called it 9/11 or September 11, because it had only just happened.  But we’d note it was Tuesday, or a week ago, or whatever.

Well, little things happen: I see it’s the same time of night that he passed.  Or I see the date written someplace.  Or I think, “It’s been a week.”  This evening, it’ll be two weeks.  Or I think, “The funeral was a week ago.”

I go about my day normally, attending to things normally, enjoying TV shows and such.  But then late at night, or first thing in the morning, I’ll remember.  Or a smell will bring it back.  Or last night, watching the premiere of Queen Sugar on OWN network, as their father died.

I can understand why men in WWII came home and didn’t want to speak of what happened.  You don’t want to remember the bad times.  You want to remember the good times.  You don’t want to remember the death, but the life.

And yes, I saw and heard things that were traumatizing.  I’ve told my husband, I’ve told a friend, and my family saw them too, but I haven’t spoken about them elsewhere.  I certainly haven’t written them here.

I just want to remember the good.  I want to remember the things which I wrote in Dad’s eulogy.

Pop Evil’s “Torn to Pieces” was based on real-life loss of a father:

 

 

So glad I switched hosting providers

After a couple of days with the new host (Siteground), I’m very pleased.  The site loads within a few seconds, the site backend issues are all fixed, and now my stats are rebounding back to normal (about 200 a day).  😀

Which tells me that yeah, my site problems DID come from the server of the previous host.  😛  There have been many complaints about the previous host lately: outages, slow load times, poor customer service.  They didn’t use to be like that, back when I signed up with them.

And this costs *less* than I was paying before.

So no more thought of going back to the free blogging platforms.  Except, maybe, one day approaching my eventual demise….I recently found a post on the topic of, should you self-host or use a free platform.  It said that one drawback of self-hosting is that when you die and stop paying for the site, it goes away (unless the Wayback Machine has recorded it, of course).  While Blogger or Wordpress can potentially keep your blog up forever (or at least, until they go out of business).  So maybe in old age I’ll stick my site over on Wordpress.com so it can live on.  😀

 

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