I posted this in 2012. Full post here. Some excerpts:
No, there are friendships which are like that and have nothing to do with sex, friendships which, when lost to death or breakup, are at least as soul-searing as any romantic loss. And you have to go through a whole grieving process which could take years, depending on how meaningful it was to you, and how sudden the loss.
My own loss of such a friendship–and discovering that my friend’s character was not at all what I thought it was, that it could all have been an act by a narcissist, or ruined by a successful smear campaign–to be again devastated a year later when I discovered the horrible violence he is capable of–
It made me want to shake my fist at God. It made me doubt God’s very existence. I wanted to scream at God: “I prayed for a friend. And THIS is what you brought me? What are you playing at? Do you even exist?”
I was plunged into spiritual darkness and doubt. Not only did my own religion bring back constant reminders of my pain because the friend’s connection to it permeated every single thing about it from the mysteries to the theology–but my friend was gone.
But now I fear death instead, driving me to start getting all of my experiences, dreams, stories, pictures, all down on paper and shared with the world before that unknown day does finally come. Then I will still “exist” even if the atheists are proved correct.
It can’t all be for nothing! My consciousness–what will happen to “me”? Will I suddenly feel it slip away and then–nothing? Where will “I” go? Just blackness as if I had never been? Who will remember my dreams now?
During the third season of “Being Human”–the UK version, not the copycat American one–the roommates and best friends of Mitchell, the vampire, discover (in Wolf-Shaped Bullet, season 3) that he was the one who murdered a score of people on the subway. This was such a heinous, disturbing crime that when Nina found out the truth (before anyone else), she threw up in horror.
When I saw that scene on August 20, 2011 (in The Longest Day, season 3), I knew how she felt, having found out about the child abuse charges against Richard on 7/1/11.
I identified with her again as she did what she must–gave the police an anonymous tip, which I had had to do to CPS in March 2011. There are times when you just can’t let friendship keep you from doing what is right.