Every week, I back up my files onto an external drive called a My Book. I just finished backing up my word processor files. While scrolling through them, I found a forgotten little file which I last modified on September 27, 2010. I opened it up to find out what it was.
It was just written to vent privately about this, and most of it is just a rant I want to keep private. But I also found this poem I want to share, because for a first draft of a rant-poem, it was better than I expected. I suppose fellow abuse/narcissist victims can find something in it for themselves. Also, it demonstrates the fear I was in during that time period, and the intense feeling of betrayal:
the violent intimidate the gentle my idol has feet of clay the hitting could turn on us your threats have turned us away betrayal by one who was dearly loved you know what really happened my gosh what is she doing to the children if we report it we will be beaten where is the love? where is the Christian charity? where is the fight against evil passions? why must I take all the blame? where is the friendship that was lost? it’s all been blown away you hurt the ones you love and the ones you hate and they need to grow up and take it
by Katherine Kelaidis Thus, Orthodox Christians have a moral responsibility to examine the ways in which we individually and corporately contribute to violent homophobia, in Russia and beyond. And the simplest first step in this area is to condemn homophobic violence, whenever it occurs, but especially when it occurs in the name of our faith. It is the type of responsibility we demand from others, and it is (no doubt) the responsibility we should demand from ourselves.…
Our little kitty duo of Merry and Pippin is now no more. Merry passed almost three years ago of cancer; now Pippin’s health finally gave out, at the ripe old age of 14. It’s so lonely in the house with them both gone. 🙁 No more Pippin begging for belly rubs and a lap.
No Contact has grown centipede feet since its inception, running away from its original intention protecting victims. This is a predictable scenario since narcissists identify as victims. Perpetually. They may stalk, cheat, plagiarize, abuse and betray people, yet consider themselves to be victims, their victimizing behaviors justified. Perpetually. Well, what can you expect from a disorder preventing accurate self-appraisal, inhibiting the capacity for self-reflection? If someone is unable to introspect and own their aggression, they will view people’s defensive reactions as unpredictable and threatening. From the narcissist’s point of view, people are attacking without any provocation on the narcissist’s part.They believe they are defending themselves from aggression. Since pathological narcissism is defined by distorted perceptions, what narcissists see is not what is. Their provoking behavior is outside their awareness. This does not mean they aren’t consciously aware of their aggressive tactics. They believe their aggressive tactics are warranted.
…Being told a friend, family member or partner is using No Contact to protect themselves from YOU is confounding. Reality is turned upside-down when the narcissist refuses your phone calls, deletes your emails, bans you from their Facebook page. Through the grapevine, you’re told the narcissist avoids office luncheons because you’re there. She can’t be the bridesmaid if you’re the best man. He can’t go to the neighborhood picnic since you volunteered to flip the burgers. Your entire social circle from Earth to Jupiter has been informed of this tragic predicament and people wonder how YOU managed to make someone’s life so miserable they had to use No Contact (or take out a restraining order). You didn’t seem to be a dangerous person but who in the blue hell knows who anybody really is behind closed doors? You have now, my friend, entered the surrealistic world of DARVO: Defend, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. DARVO is the terrain of the narcissistic personality which means the No Contact plan has switched from self-protection to the intention to harm.
Now that 45 is president, he oh-so-much reminds people of things we don’t want to remember so we numb ourselves. Any painful memory can be triggered by 45. Memories of trust betrayed; memories of scapegoating, chaos, and a distortion of truth so disorienting you can’t trust your own mind. Memories of being lied to and cheated on and hurt by someone you cared about but could not get away from. We can’t go No Contact with 45 any more than children can avoid an abusive parent. Instead, we look for ways to appease political tyrants—just like children appease tyrannical parents. That’s how the narcissistic relationship felt as a kid and that’s how it feels as an adult; however, our feelings aren’t facts we’re reminded; and we aren’t kids anymore, we tell ourselves. We need to find ways to prevent ourselves from slipping into unhealthy behaviors like suppressing thoughts and numbing feelings—a useful tactic for children, a silencing and powerless tactic for adults. We may feel better in the short term but we are not safe. Speaking thoughtfully and honestly has never been more imperative than it is now.