Reblog: Narcissists, Phones and Your Right to Privacy

First, please note that I don’t endorse *everything* on the site I’m reblogging.  I agree with a lot of it, but occasionally there are things that bother me.  Still, I came across the following post which validated me after dealing with the ex-friend Richard‘s wife.  For example, from Narcissists, Phones and Your Right to Privacy, by Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD:

If your abusive narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, paranoiac, psychopath spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend has demanded your passcodes and logins, that’s not normal. It’s controlling and tyrannical. If you’re in an abusive relationship, you don’t have to be “hiding anything” for them to have a rage episode or make wild accusations about infidelity or anything else they can manufacture out of thin air.

Your sister could text you to invite you for coffee and the borderline or narcissist control freak-abandonment fear switch is activated:

Why does your sister want to have coffee with you?! Why wasn’t I invited?! Why can’t I be there?! What are you hiding from me? If there’s nothing to hide, why wasn’t I invited? Your sister is being disrespectful to me! She should’ve asked me if I could go at that time before she asked you! You love your sister more than me! Is there something going on with you two?!

Wow.  This sounds SO familiar, the rage episodes just because I wanted to go out for coffee with Richard, the insistence that if I didn’t follow these unspoken and unknown “rules” I wasn’t “respecting” her.  Then there’s:

If you’ve surrendered your phone to your partner, please consider doing your friends, family and colleagues a courtesy and let them know your partner reads all incoming and outgoing messages. You may not care about your right to privacy, but some or all of your friends and family probably do. Also, they may want to bypass written communication with you altogether because, as previously, noted, there doesn’t have to be anything to hide. An abusive asshole can turn nothing into something with the misfire of a synapse.

Last sentence: And yes, yes she did just that after snooping, leading to the end of this “friendship.”

When I found out that not only did Richard have to “clear” all his friendships with his wife, and going out with them for something as simple and innocent as coffee, but that his wife also had a habit of checking his phone records and e-mails–I was appalled.  I would tell Richard things about my past experiences or about things I currently dealt with (such as fears or philosophical questions) which were not meant for his wife to see.  Nothing “affair-y,” but things I only wanted my trusted best friend to see–and I did not trust his mean wife with these things.

It all struck me as being very abusive and controlling, but she kept insisting that these things were all her due, that it was showing her “respect.”  Over the years, I’ve perked up whenever friends on Facebook or some TV show or Internet article goes into the issue of friendships and a spouse’s right to privacy.  And over and over again, the same thing is said: Don’t try to control each other’s friendships!  Respect each other’s privacy!  Run from anyone who tries to control you!

Comments are turned off because this is a reblog.

 

Why I don’t believe the trolls who latched onto me

This refers to the troll brigade who stalked me last year and, I’m told, still keeps an eye on me.  And yes, I’ve seen them in my stats again lately.  For background, see my previous posts here, here and here.

(They’ve come back here because their usual target has begun speaking about them to a guy who makes documentaries about stalkers, and I’ve been telling him about my experiences as well.)

Basically, because I made up my own mind about their usual target, they began stalking and harassing me to intimidate me into believing what THEY say I should believe.

I find their behavior to be very familiar, after years of studying narcissism, abuse, and various stories by bloggers.  It’s the behavior of bullies.  It’s the behavior of those who don’t want the truth of their own crimes to get out, so they tell everyone their victim is the real abuser.

It also fits with the mob mentality behavior found on many different forums: narc abuse, religious, political, social, etc. etc., where if you don’t agree with the group’s version of truth, you will be abused and maligned until you do.

The behavior I see from the trolls is NOT victim behavior.  It’s that of narcs/abusers trying to force others to believe their version of the truth which maligns their target.

This is why I don’t believe them.

If the trolls’ “truth” is true, then they can let the facts stand on their own.  Stalking and harassing is the behavior of someone who knows they’re wrong and is scared others will figure it out.

My narc ex-friends stalked ME because I told the truth, and tried to harass and intimidate me into retracting it.

It’s one thing to state your truth.  It’s quite another thing to intimidate people into believing it.  True victims have great courage when they dare to speak up; they don’t jeer at people who don’t believe, call them names, follow them around telling them to believe or else.

Narcissists and abusers–such as my ex-friends–will abuse you and then make fun of you for “fixating” on the abuse, say that you’re “not all there.”

But it’s one thing to deal with post-abuse trauma, for your thoughts to constantly replay the abuse, until you must get it out with words etc.  It’s quite another thing to obsess and harass, stalking your target for years on end, which these trolls (and my ex-friends) have been doing.

What is the truth about their usual target?  I’m not sure.  There are reasons not to believe him, but also reasons to believe him.  There are many reasons to give him the benefit of the doubt.  In any case, if I err, that’s my mistake to make–and nobody else’s to dictate.

Comments are turned off to discourage the trolls.

 

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