All three of these posts, which I recently read, have been helpful because they explain some things that my most recent bullies did, which puzzled me:
First, two blogs just posted on Grace for My Heart by David Orrison:
One of the most common ways for the narcissist to control the world is to be protective about his/her stuff. I use the word “stuff” to describe just about anything you want to put in its place. Whatever the narcissist decides belongs to him. His house, his workspace, his chair, his car, his sports equipment, his seat at church, his parking spot, his computer, his camera, and on and on and on. You recognize this territoriality when he makes it clear that no one should ever touch his stuff.
I saw this in both of my recent bullies: Richard, yelling and screaming at my husband and me for things like trying to move stuff off the table so we can start a game, or wiping a little honey off the table before setting my books down on it. Yet he and his wife kept that place in such horrific conditions that it was not just dirty, but unsanitary, the kind of place that makes you ill. So they didn’t keep it up, but nobody else was allowed to touch it, either–not even to clean a little honey off the table.
Then there was also Tracy, who was so territorial about her husband that she made everybody–male AND female–follow strict, extremely controlling rules if they wanted to be friends with him.
It fits, yet another piece of the narcissist puzzle.
The second blog by Grace, posted yesterday:
At the same time, most of these narcissists (not all) are very generous with their own touching. They will put their hands on someone’s shoulders to give a phony back rub. They will put their arms around someone’s shoulders. They will shake hands and hold on too long. They will hug people of the opposite gender when it might seem unnecessary. Some are even willing to risk harassment charges with their touch.
…And we can also see why the narcissist would want to touch others. If touch is a way of controlling, breaking through personal barriers or boundaries, then the narcissist must at least try. Putting his arm around the young lady is a way to see if she will be receptive to his influence. Putting his hands on a co-worker’s shoulders is a way of exerting his superiority. Stepping in or sitting too close might be a way of threatening. Whenever others are uncomfortable, the narcissist sees an opportunity.
This explains Richard: breaking through my reserved boundaries, getting me used to the idea of opposite-sex friends being affectionate, not sexually but still in a manner I was not used to. This post explains that this is about control, seeing how much influence a narc can have over a person. And yeah, he did manipulate me quite a bit. Nowadays, I know people who are affectionate like him, but IN FRONT of significant others, not secretly. And everybody laughs and knows it’s harmless. Not like Richard did it. I get upset with myself at times, remembering how gullible I was with him.
Then this one by Lucky Otter:
In fact, their personal hygiene and grooming is sometimes downright disgusting. It’s almost as if they think they’re too smart to be bothered with trying to look decent….But some cerebral narcissists live in squalor, wallowing in their filthy surroundings like a pig wallowing in mud.
So that’s what that was: yet another aspect of narcissism. 😛
My abusive ex was this way as well, refusing to shower for weeks on end, rarely brushing his teeth.
These posts explain a lot, that no, it’s not unique to my experiences, but common. All are worth checking out.