Once upon a time, I used to have a pleasant fantasy. In it, I would tell my birth-mother that her behavior was upsetting to me.
She would apologize, tell me that she would never dream of continuing to hurt me because she cares for me a great deal, and promise to stop her offensive behavior immediately.
Then, true to her word, she would never do it again, enabling our relationship to be happily restored. Boy, was I living in la-la land.
When that never worked, I had a slightly more complicated delusion. After I complained about her mistreatment, she would continue hurting me anyway.
Since it stressed me out to be in her presence, I would begin to avoid placing myself in that position. I would begin to feel distant from her.
I might even decide to take a break from the relationship for a few weeks or months, of which I might or might not choose to inform her, to get my thoughts together about what to do next.
Mom, sensing my withdrawal, would realize what she was doing and become concerned about losing the relationship. Afraid that she might really be driving me away, she would come to her senses, immediately stop her hurtful behavior, and make every effort to be as pleasant to be with as possible.
Her turnabout would enable me to enjoy being with her, and our relationship would be happily restored. Yeah, right. What in the world was I thinking?
If we were talking about normal people who truly do love and care for those who love them, this would really happen.
In fact, the reason we try to talk things out with a loved one who is hurting us is that we are hoping against hope for such a happy ending.
But those of us who have had the misfortune to try and reason with a control freak or an abuser quickly learn that there is almost NO CHANCE that this will actually ever happen in our situations. –Rev. Renee, Desperate Measures–When They Sense They’re Losing Their Grip on You
This article from Luke173 Ministries sounds very familiar, and I should hold onto it. After being bullied constantly and then told that I was the abuser and deserved what I got, that I had to change my behavior for the bullying to stop–This article sounds so much like dealing with Tracy.
Like, for example, “Abusers will not respect our request for a break or for time to think.” (What was her response to my request for a break, after all the venom she’d spewed at me made me want to spend many months away from her? “Have a nice life and let me know when you GROW UP and stop being hurt over the consequences of YOUR BEHAVIOR.”)
Refusing to make allowances for the fact that I was completely missing her cues to have conversations, and rather than helping me know she wanted one, continuously getting mad at me for breaking all sorts of rules without even knowing I was breaking a rule, or what rule I was breaking.
Me begging (through Richard, since Tracy scared me) that she be nice to me so I could relax and feel comfortable enough around her to break through my natural shyness and reserve.
Me explaining (to Richard, since she scared me) that my reserve with her came from her nastiness to me and her abuses of Richard and the children, that those things had to change for me to break through my natural reserve, but there never was a change in her nastiness to everyone. Rather, I was treated like my legitimate problems and complaints with her were just “excuses,” like I had no idea what I was talking about, like I was being the stubborn one who wouldn’t comply.
Me feeling like I was supposed to just put up with and accept her bad temper, but I was not allowed to struggle with the constraints of my introverted and NVLD brain, which causes all sorts of social issues which I did not ask for and still have problems with, because that’s how my brain works–Basically, she’s allowed to be as nasty as she wants to people, but I’m not allowed to have trouble reading people’s social cues or thinking up things to talk about.
(Their common response when others were upset with their behavior: Deal with it. But I was not allowed to respond in kind. Also, I was expected to put up with her moods and nastiness and never return an angry word back, but they’ve treated my standing up for myself as some sort of crime.)
Being treated as if she’s perfect and doesn’t need to change a thing, while I need to change everything about myself, and be forced into friendship (and sharing secrets with) someone who struck me as being emotionally and physically dangerous.
Never being sure where I stood with her, thinking for months that she was perfectly fine with me now, even having confirmation from Richard that she was perfectly fine with me now, only to find that she still was finding all sorts of reasons why my behavior did not suit her.
Her refusing to honor my request that she not use cussing or nasty words with me.
Her using the slightest capitulation as a chance to vent all the things I supposedly had done over the years, mostly things that had long since stopped and been apologized for, and then say she had far more to say as well, leaving me baffled as to what on earth could be left.
Me feeling like all the complaints I had ever had about her behavior, were being ignored and tossed aside as nothing, while her complaints about me were the only ones worthy of notice.
No matter how calmly and politely we request a change, things will go south fast. Any attempt we make to have a loving and rational discussion will quickly degenerate into a crazy-making, nasty argument.
We will be left scratching our heads and wondering what on earth went wrong, and why a simple plea for a little consideration had to be blown up into such a big deal.
On the surface, abusers seem to have absolutely no sensitivity to others at all. But in reality they are acutely sensitive to their victim becoming stronger, beginning to heal, or pulling away from their toxicity.
Control freaks sense instantly when they begin to lose their grip on their victim, which will mean losing their ability to control her. They are desperate to prevent that from happening, and will pull out all the stops to keep her enmeshed with them.
It also gives me an idea of what I need to do. Escalating the argument, putting me on the defensive, making me her toy to play with as she wishes by pushing my buttons and getting me upset–This is exactly what she wants.
The e-mail she sent in response to my telling her to leave me alone (“Now I’m Being Stalked“)–that fits right in with the above cited webpage. Basically, not only will she not leave me alone, not only will she not honor my requests, but she will step up her attacks by doing everything I don’t want her to do and poking and prodding me into anger and irritation.
It’s all a game for her; she did the same thing to Todd. She can do or say anything she wants to me, but when she finally reaps what she has sown in my anger and fighting back and finally getting the balls to stand up to her, she acts as if I’ve committed some horrible crime and am accusing an “innocent” person.
She can certainly come to me in peace and forgiveness/repentance if ever she wants to. But I don’t expect her to ever do this.
The only thing I can do is disengage, refuse to let her pokes continue to bring a rise out of me. And yes, I know she’s going to read this, since they’ve been reading everything.
But I don’t post it for them, I post it for other people who are going through this, and I know there are many of you.
We have followed the story of Margo and her particular brand of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) for several articles (see links below).
We have also looked at how Margo took out her deep sense of insecurity by tormenting her younger sister Leah, who at twelve years her junior was for many years not able to control the situation that she was being subjected to.
Today we will examine how Leah finally took the reigns and removed Margo’s power once and for all….
She next stated that she required Margo to make a choice. Either be civil to Leah or be silent….
This particular incident also shows that when Margo was faced with the reality of losing her only sibling forever, she made no attempt to try to rectify the situation and actually attempt to have a normal relationship.
This is because Margo and people like her cannot truly care for others, and Margo certainly never really loved her sister otherwise she would have been distressed at the possibility of losing her forever.
Such is the lack of feelings for others that Margo prefers to have no family as she does not possess the emotional skills to deal with the situation she found herself in.
And Leah is happy that she got rid of a sister who was nothing but a millstone around her neck. –Beth McHugh, The End of Margo’s Reign of Sadism