The evils of jealousy
Warning: The following summarizes and vents a period of narcissistic abuse and mind control.
I have always believed that jealousy over opposite-sex friends is wrong and should not be tolerated. Life is much easier when you’re not freaking out over your spouse’s friends all the time, but just let him/her be a big boy/girl with personal autonomy and the ability to keep one’s pants on.
I’ve also always believed in freedom of personal expression; freedom to not hide that you care about your friends; freedom to send friends notes that read, “I miss you, let’s go out for coffee,” or “Your friendship is very special to me,” or whatever.
I will let no one tell me this is somehow “inappropriate.” Such an attitude sounds to me like unhealthy, puritannical repression.
Jealousy and controlling a spouse’s friendships are two major indicators of an abusive relationship. Even if the relationship is not abusive, jealousy is a poison that destroys it.
Tracy, the bullying, abusive wife
The wife, “Tracy,” forced my best friend and me apart, because she was always bullying everyone around her and blaming them for it, including me:
I saw her smack a tiny 3-year-old on the back of the head so hard the girl’s tongue flew out.
I saw her go nuts on two of the girls one evening, when they did nothing wrong that I could see. She just all of a sudden ran over and started screaming louder and louder, and yanking and throwing spanks around, so that even I was nervous and scared of her.
I’d hear her belittling the children.
When they lived with us, I heard her screaming at the kids all day long, ordering Richard around, making fun of him, making false accusations of him, even slapping him on the arm in anger.
One day, I heard her yelling and screaming at him louder and louder, making false accusations of him, while he just kept meekly saying “you’re right” and saying absolutely nothing in defense or argument back.
So I witnessed for myself some of what goes on behind closed doors, though I discovered later that she still tempered herself around me.
Richard told me later that she kept breaking the children’s spirits. He said he had to be there to keep her from abusing the kids. He said she cussed at the kids, and would yell and punch him as well.
He said if she ever hit his face, he would say “You’re not a woman” and hit her back.
Yet I was expected to be buddy-buddy with her.
She was never wrong; it was always me who needed to change behavior, or suffer the consequences. She constantly snarked at me.
She demanded respect but gave none to me; violated boundaries but accused me of doing this; needed to grow up but accused me of this.
At first I thought we were friends and liked her, but swiftly her mask fell and she began being mean to me, without apologies. However, she expected me to just overlook all this, blamed me for her own horrid behavior.
Several times, I considered breaking off the friendship with Richard so I wouldn’t have to deal with her, but his friendship was just too important to me.
My husband constantly got mad at her for how she treated me, said she has no trust in Richard, and got angry over how she kept screwing me over and bullying me.
Then she blew up at me with all sorts of filthy, unchristian profanity and false, filthy accusations. She vilified, ridiculed, belittled and humiliated me.
She called me stupid, said a 5-year-old could understand what I didn’t.
She blamed me for all her bad behavior, told me I deserved it, refused to take any blame on herself despite her obvious bad behavior.
She even posted on Facebook that because of this, “I’m having a GREAT day because I no longer have to sit back and be quiet and nice.” (HUH?)
Then Richard even yelled at and intimidated Jeff for saying that she had done things wrong as well.
After this, I just couldn’t take it anymore, so Jeff and I ended the friendship immediately.
Her post on Facebook proved that she enjoyed this, enjoyed my mistake, enjoyed her narcissistic rage, enjoyed flaying me alive with her tongue.
She even told me, after she started verbally abusing me, to not “go crying to Jeff” about this because “we don’t need the headache.” Just like any bully on the playground, telling you to tell no one what she’s done!