abuse by proxy

The long, dark night of my soul as I doubt God exists–because my spiritual mentor betrayed me

I have no interest whatsoever in reconciling with Tracy and don’t really care anymore what she thinks of me, because I consider her an abuser and a bully and the most horrid person I’ve ever known, and I believe she’s a false Christian.

As for Richard, this person I had dearly loved like a brother, respected, trusted and looked up to, this person I saw as a man of God, this person whom I saw as my spiritual mentor and guide, this person I supported emotionally through all his troubles while he lived with us, the person I told all my secrets to, has betrayed me and let me be verbally/emotionally torn apart like a wild animal.

Because of his connection to my spiritual journey, it’s been a struggle not to abandon all the things in Orthodoxy (or Christianity) that I associated in any way with Richard.

Because our friendship and his living here had seemed to be a direct and obvious answer to prayer, my faith in God has been damaged so much that I often doubt God even exists.

Because why would God answer my prayer with a curse, with an angel of light that turned out to be the devil? The devil couldn’t have heard my prayer, because it was said to God by my mind, not by my mouth.

Two options rise up, both too frightening and repugnant to accept: that either

1) God did answer my prayer with a curse, or

2) God does not exist and it was all chance.

I keep hoping that one day a third option will make itself clear, but for now, I understand how even Mother Theresa could have gone through the dark night of the soul.

I knew the devil would try to get me out of Orthodoxy if I converted, as fellow converts speak of such things online, and he’d already been throwing various things at me, especially during Lenten periods.

But I had no idea he would do something like this that could sear me to my soul with a flaming sword, rip me away from the one whom I honored as the person who led me to the truth, damage me so much.

I had no idea that the person I honored as a man of God, had such crumbling feet of clay, would lead me to the truth and then be the means for shattering my faith.

I can only hope the following is true, taken from an earlier, more extensive version of the above Wikipedia link for “dark night of the soul“:

Rather than resulting in permanent devastation, the dark night is regarded by mystics and others as a blessing in disguise, whereby the individual is stripped (in the dark night of the senses) of the spiritual ecstasy associated with acts of virtue.
Although the individual may for a time seem to outwardly decline in his or her practices of virtue, in reality he becomes more virtuous, as she is being virtuous less for the spiritual rewards (ecstasies in the cases of the first night) obtained and more out of a true love for God.
It is this purgatory, a purgation of the soul, that brings purity and union with God.

From A Saint’s Dark Night by James Martin:

Even the most sophisticated believers sometimes believe that the saints enjoyed a stress-free spiritual life–suffering little personal doubt. For many saints this is accurate:
St. Francis de Sales, the 17th-century author of “An Introduction to the Devout Life,” said that he never went more than 15 minutes without being aware of God’s presence. Yet the opposite experience is so common it even has a name.
St. John of the Cross, the Spanish mystic, labeled it the “dark night,” the time when a person feels completely abandoned by God, and which can lead even ardent believers to doubt God’s existence.
During her final illness, St. Thérèse of Lisieux, the 19th-century French Carmelite nun who is now widely revered as “The Little Flower,” faced a similar trial, which seemed to center on doubts about whether anything awaited her after death.
“If you only knew what darkness I am plunged into,” she said to the sisters in her convent.
But Mother Teresa’s “dark night” was of a different magnitude, lasting for decades. It is almost unparalleled in the lives of the saints.

Table of Contents

1. Introduction

2. We share a house

3. Tracy’s abuse turns on me

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children

5. My frustrations mount

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

8. The Incident

9. The fallout; a second chance?

10. Grief

11. Struggle to regain normalcy

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13. Conclusion

13b. Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary

14. Updates on Richard’s Criminal Charges

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing

by Nyssa McCanmore
Posted on April 27, 2011June 26, 2020

An old friend shows me that Richard and Tracy were deceivers, never friends

I found my old high school friend Becky on Facebook in February 2011. On the 2nd, I sent her this message:

What a year it’s been. I actually saw a friendship crash and burn last year because of Facebook posts and messages.
I had a very close, dear friend, R., who I met on an Internet forum about 5 or 6 years ago. I was searching for a spiritual home, a church which I could believe in, and he helped me find my way, so he became my spiritual mentor.
A few years ago he needed to find a better life for his family, and couldn’t stand [old states] anymore, so he came to stay with us for a while until he found a job around Fond du Lac.
We were getting along great, he finally found a job, but then somehow the rest of his family followed and ended up staying in our tiny condo before he had the means to get an apartment lined up.
I don’t remember okaying it; one day he just told us they were coming, though it wasn’t part of the agreement. Wife and 3 little kids.
So we’re talking 4 adults and 4 small children in one 1100-square-foot condo. Who don’t clean up after themselves. For a month and a half. !!! And the wife, T., turned out to be abusive of her family and very jealous of me. Argh!
I kept wanting to toss her out on her ear for the things she said and did, but instead I was stuck with her 24 hours a day for weeks. I didn’t want anything more to do with her, but didn’t want to give up my friend R., either.
It had been so long since I had a good friend right in town to talk to. That, and my son loved playing with their kids, and Jeff loved playing D&D with them.
So I tried to tolerate her, even though she kept bullying me for being quiet and shy. The more she bullied me, the less I was able to speak to her.
But eventually, I thought everything was finally sorted out. Then early last year, R. started getting snarky with me on Facebook, especially over politics, and T. even more so; he and I had some arguments via e-mail.
Just when I thought he and I finally had things sorted out, T. saw something I sent him and completely misinterpreted it. (Remember the bit about her being jealous.)
The resulting fallout led to Jeff and me saying that’s it, we’re through with her drama, and we’re not too happy with R., either, for throwing me under the bus.
You’d think she’d be happy to have me gone, but no, she got mad at us for breaking things off and had quite a few choice words to say about it. I don’t get her at all.
Both of them seem to think that I should just roll over and take all the verbal abuse she threw at me, even though when I tried in a far more polite way to discuss the problems I had with him, he talked as if I should just shut up about it or leave him alone. It’s a huge double standard.
And after all we’ve done to help them out, too….
It’s been 7 months now and I’m still trying to recover from it.
It’s affected me spiritually as well because R. had so much to do with me choosing the Orthodox Church, and now I get so cynical about religion at times, especially when I see T. going up for communion without ever apologizing for the things she’s done to me.
(I’ve apologized to her, because I know I did some things wrong as well, but never got [an apology] from her.) When I met R. online I thought he was a different person from what he actually turned out to be. I thought he was pious, but it’s like he never quite left his old life behind….
I just keep hoping T. will realize her own part in things and apologize, but Jeff says it’s not likely. Until she does, the friendship is over….
Then while I was still reeling from that, one of my old high school friends suddenly remembered who I was. When I first friended him on Facebook, he didn’t recognize my name because it had changed. But then he figured out, “Oh, it’s YOU!”
Turns out he had this major crush on me senior year. We talked every day in class, but he never said a word about it, so I thought we were just friends. He tried to find me after graduation, but didn’t know how.
It makes me wonder how many other guys had a thing for me but never said anything. And I keep thinking that the summer of 1991 could’ve been like Lloyd Dobler and Diane Court (Say Anything)…..
Seeing me on Facebook brought it all back. He was going through a separation from his wife, so he didn’t have a stable marriage to keep him grounded.
He couldn’t deal with the feelings, since I’m happily married and can’t return them, so he finally unfriended me. It was very sad, surprising, shocking….I miss seeing his posts in my news feed…..
I had told him about the problems I had with R. and T., and he said, “Don’t take it personally. You’re beautiful and intelligent and any woman would consider you a threat.”
Of course, I had never thought of myself as a threat, but far too shy and reserved for that. I certainly never had problems with friends’ wives before this.

Becky responded on the 9th:

This whole thing with the friend is horrible! I think you are so much sweeter than me because the minute the rest of the family would have showed up … they all would have been dismissed and your friend would have received a full lesson on proper boundaries and etiquette.
…You are very gracious because his wife sounds like a manipulator and he sounds like a mess so you are actually better off without him.. because he sounds like he was a manipulator too and he was using you and your husband.
I am surprised your husband didn’t throw them all out and I really can’t believe he let a man come live with you guys. Most men would never allow that. I am amazed. He is either just a very nice guy or he trusts you completely or both.
You have always been shy and kind and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Those are very rare qualities -especially in today’s world and you should not feel bad about that.

I replied:

Yeah, Jeff’s parents told him he shouldn’t have let things go so far, that as soon as I started hearing T. complain about the food etc., we should’ve politely shown them the door.
I remember getting Jeff alone in a spot on the stairs while they were in the basement one night, and telling him everything that was going on. He was so upset that I thought he was going to kick them out, but instead he just put on his mad face to them and said nothing….
After that I started overhearing some really catty remarks about me while T. would be on the phone….It was a year and a half before anybody told me she overheard my conversation with Jeff and got furious.
I noticed these last few years that I was always supposed to suck up to her and befriend her and such or else I wouldn’t be allowed to do much of anything with R. that his other friends could do with him. But she never apologized for her own behavior or admitted that it was in any way wrong….
She was mean, a bully, catty, crass….If it weren’t for R., I would’ve wanted nothing to do with her at all. But he had wrapped himself around my finger somehow and kept saying I was a very dear friend to him.
Yes, Jeff is both very nice and very trusting of me. He’s also used to SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism) culture, where people crash at other people’s houses all the time when going to events far away from home.
At first he did wonder, Wait a minute, I’ve never met this guy and I’m letting him stay here with my wife and child? But after the first meeting, he decided he was harmless.
And at the time R. seemed very sweet. We’d talk for hours upon hours about life, religion, music. He was planning to become an Orthodox priest.
But over time it seemed like conspiracy politics started taking over his good sense, and he’d tell me things that showed a violent underside…. He gave me every reason to believe when he lived here that he had conquered it, but it started coming back out again.
I’m torn because on the one hand I keep hoping they’ll try to work things out with us. I keep dreaming about it. I keep missing R.
On the other, I just can’t stand T.! I never could. And she won’t allow R. to have friends who don’t like her. She made him block Jeff and me (and even our son) on Facebook and blocked my e-mail from him as well.
The thought of making nice with her to be allowed access to him again, just turns my stomach.
I’ve been writing all this stuff down [on my website] and trying to process it. I’ve been trying to determine, should I pray for reconciliation or decide I’m better off? The religious part is especially hard. I read some articles about narcissists and thought, dang, he’s a narcissist cult leader. lol
He was so integral to my conversion to Orthodoxy that everything about it reminds me of him, but I came here looking for what I didn’t find in any other church. I can’t just leave because of him. But my heart in it has gone, making it hard to pray or anything else.
The other thing is that twice since the blowup, his family has shown up at my church for a service. AND my church is dying, his church is dying, and our two churches have been discussing merging to survive. Or sharing the work at Greek Fests. (We live in the same city, but he prefers the church in A—.)
So the possibility of seeing them at church again in the future is rather high. I would prefer some sort of peace to come about, instead of the whole family completely ignoring me. The kids aren’t even allowed to speak to me, though they do look.
I feel sick when I see T. go up to the Eucharist, after she bullied me, humiliated me, and made me feel like a wretched whore. Somehow I have to keep from losing my faith no matter what happens….

Becky’s reply got me thinking that maybe Richard was a liar and manipulator, never actually my friend:

If you want my honest opinion Nyssa.. I believe you are better than them and I don’t think R was as good of a friend as you think.
I am an outsider but from reading the situation and between the lines, it sounds like you were a very good friend to them and they used and betrayed that friendship to get where they wanted and then made you feel bad after you gave so much and that is called SIN any way you turn it hon.
If it were me, I would ask the Lord to send someone genuine and true to replace that friendship you had with R…. You can appreciate the good things that came from you befriending R and let go of the poisonous things….
I would also suggest ignoring them but be polite to the children if they ever cross your path because T does not deserve your friendship or respect. You are special and scripture also says you do not have to cast the pearls (of your friendship, concern, or kindness) before swine, and she acts like a pig so if the shoe fits… you know the rest.
I also understand how your husband could allow that now that you explained about the SCA. I think maybe from now on you will have more wisdom in these situations with these type people so at least you can look at this as a learning experience you know?

In my reply, you can see the wheels turning as I pondered the possibility of Richard being deceptive:

When I think about it and the fact that I do know other people who know them, I don’t think R. was out to get us or use us up or anything. [This changed the more I pondered it, however, now that Becky got the wheels turning.] (T., however, I don’t trust in the slightest.)
However, he has told me so many outlandish stories over the years that I had no way to verify, that I think he may be a habitual liar….I do see ways he could very easily have been manipulating me, whether to get us to help him or just to feed his ego. He has a very big ego, after all, and his wife keeps beating him down….
T., on the other hand, struck me from the very beginning as someone I did not want to be around. She’s chased off other friends as well, male and female, with her temper.
Here’s one of the strange things he told me: Some time after they moved out, he told me that during our talks while he lived here, he sometimes used hypnotism to get me to open up to him.
That he learned it from a hypnotist, it was something about eye tricks and psychology, and he used to use it to get girls to go out with him. He said he would do it without even meaning to. Then some time later, he told me he didn’t do it anymore.
So…he can control it, or he can’t? Which is it? When did he use it, and what did he make me do or say? Was he some Svengali or Rasputin? And is he telling the truth about hypnotizing in the first place?….
I have trouble believing that everything was a lie; I think there’s a good chance that some of it was genuine, at least from him. (Not from her.) However, too much stuff just doesn’t add up. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to unravel it….

Table of Contents

1. Introduction

2. We share a house

3. Tracy’s abuse turns on me

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children

5. My frustrations mount

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

8. The Incident

9. The fallout; a second chance?

10. Grief

11. Struggle to regain normalcy

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13. Conclusion

13b. Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary

14. Updates on Richard’s Criminal Charges

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing

by Nyssa McCanmore
Posted on February 9, 2011December 27, 2020

Grief that my abusers keep coming to my church but not apologizing to me

Here is an article on dyssemia, a word coined in 1992 to describe the trouble people with NVLD have with social situations. Here [in an earlier version of the page on Wikipedia] you’ll find a quote from the back cover of Helping the Child Who Doesn’t Fit In:

We’ve all known children like this:
–they stand too close and touch us in annoying ways;
–they laugh too loud or at the wrong times;
–they make stupid or embarrassing remarks;
–they don’t seem to get the message when given a broad hint or even told outright to behave differently;
–they mistake friendly actions for hostile ones, or vice versa;
–they move too slowly, or too fast, for everyone else;
–their facial expressions don’t jibe with what they or others are saying, or
–their appearance is seriously out of step with current fashions, they don’t dress well for the occasion, etc.
–they are known to stare at people, stalk people, or do something that annoys other people or makes them feel uncomfortable
–they have problems dating and interacting with the opposite sex in a romantic way. Many dyssemics are love shy.

There are many more descriptions of dyssemia below on that webpage. This sounds very much like me, such as with fashions, hair and makeup, difficulty fitting in, lack of punctuality, social awkwardness, a difference in ability between receiving and expressing nonverbal messages, growing senses of grief and despair over loneliness, saying things in a way I didn’t intend and suffering consequences, and various other things you’ll read here.

Which makes it all the more angering that Richard didn’t listen to me, that Tracy acted as if it were just excuses for bad behavior, that Tracy and, eventually, Richard became the adult bullies targeting me.

Tracy would probably agree with “they don’t seem to get the message when given a broad hint or even told outright to behave differently.” But no, Tracy thought I just needed to “grow up and TALK” as if it were something I could just do on command like a trained puppy.

She made jabs at a “self-diagnosed learning disability” as if that invalidated everything I ever said. Richard talked as if my social troubles with Tracy, or with anyone, were just a simple matter of willpower.

It makes me very angry with the both of them for thinking they could judge me like this. I have seen the face of wickedness in a supposed Christian: It is Tracy. I have seen the face of betrayal and unfair judgment in a friend: It is Richard. He is dead to me.

For some time, I put a message on my Facebook profile for him, saying that I hoped one day we’d be friends again. I have long since removed it.

Though a part of me still longs for him to recognize what he’s done and make things right, and a part of me misses that BFF to whom I told all my secrets and day-to-day stuff and musings.

Since Richard was my roommate for three months, he was that for so long that I grew accustomed to having such a friend in my life, after so long without one (other than Jeff, of course).

From this blog post:

I regained a degree of confidence, and was able to reclaim the narrative of my life.
She had stolen that from me, repeating to me over and over again during the countless all-night “discussions” she’d make me have about how I’d done something wrong again, that I “don’t get to” have a reaction, a response, a reason, a say, a thought, a feeling other than one that was dictated by her perpetually warping delusions.

I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if this is what Tracy’s “conference” would have turned into.

I had every indication from her that it would, not just from 7/1/10 but from the e-mails exchanged 8/1/10 and after, where she essentially beat me over the head for everything I ever did that she thought was somehow wrong–and also from the two and a half years before that, whenever I had an opinion about her actions towards me or anybody else.

I also know from the “conference” she had with Todd in June/July 2008 over that stupid game argument, that this is how it would’ve gone with me, because she did not listen to him at all, did not even try to understand his point of view, but just kept saying over and over again that he was wrong and childish.

I see Tracy hanging out of the window of their minivan, like a crazy woman

Tracy did not accept responsibility for her anger and abuse, but put it on others.

She accused others of being “childish” and needing to “grow up,” but was the pot calling the kettle black.

She wouldn’t respect others, not even clergy if they said something she didn’t like, but demanded respect from others, kept complaining loudly about how they weren’t respecting her–but how was it respectful for her to scream at adults and children who annoyed her?

And oh, how she criticized me for finally standing up for myself by cutting her loose! How offended she acted when we broke off the friendship with them because of her, as if we were the ones being childish and throwing tantrums!

I thought she would be happy to have me out of her life, that I was doing her a favor and showing her respect. But apparently it just made her angrier.

For some reason, she wanted Jeff and me to stay friends with her. I really haven’t a clue why. Why on earth did Tracy get so angry at me for ending the friendship? I thought it was what she’d always wanted.

Was it the loss of Jeff as a partner in D&D? Was it the loss of the support and free babysitting (at the drop of a hat) we’d given them? free taxi service? free meals?

(We were never reimbursed for the extra expenses incurred while they lived with us, or for the broken couch. Jeff’s parents told him he should have ended things long before this, that they sounded like moochers, that as soon as Tracy started complaining about the food, we should’ve politely shown them the door. One of my friends said they sounded like manipulators who were using us. My pastor friend said that when thinking about what Tracy said about me, I should consider the source and disregard it.)

Was it because she didn’t get her way? Because normally a jealous person is very happy to see the subject of her jealousy end a friendship with her husband. This is the most baffling part.

There is another possibility I can think of: She had already cost Richard several friends. He had often said how much he liked us, that I was a very dear friend to him, that I did so much for his family, that Jeff was fun to play D&D with, etc. Maybe Tracy wanted to deflect responsibility and Richard’s anger onto somebody else for the loss of two more friends.

We heard through a third party that they miss Jeff at D&D, but Jeff wondered if they missed me. He told me he won’t play with them until they stop holding grudges against me, his wife.

In order to not be a hypocrite, doing the same thing I found wrong in Tracy, I have told him he can be friends with them, play D&D with them, if he wants to, that I will not put restrictions on who his friends can be. But he’s disgusted with both of them and doesn’t want to.

The trouble is that the city where we live is too small to avoid each other entirely. Not only do they come to my church occasionally (oddly enough, more often now than they did when we were still friends), but I sometimes see their vehicles on the street.

Tracy drives her company cars, and their other vehicle has bumper stickers on it, so if I can see the back of the vehicle, or see who’s driving the company car, I know who it is.

Once, either October 5, 2010 or December 7, 2010, I set off walking past my house to fetch my son from elementary school, when who should I see driving past me on the street?

It was a residential zone and between a middle school and college, so the speed limit was 25. I was near the middle school and its football field, where there were no trees or cars in between me and the street.

It was a long stretch with no obstructions before or behind it to block my view of them.

They passed just a few yards away from me, so I had time and opportunity to make a positive identification.

Since we’re in the same school system, they were probably out for the same reason, but a different elementary school, so they were going the opposite direction, facing me.

Tracy was hanging half her body out the window of their van–head facing me, shoulders turned so they were above and below, arms and hands dangling in the air.

She was hanging out the window by the entire upper part of the torso, possibly down to about her waist (which struck me as extremely odd and dangerous behavior)–while Richard gave her an upset or angry or scared look.

It was hard to define the look in only a few seconds while they drove past, but I figured he was upset with her for hanging out the window.

I thought Tracy, at least, must have seen me, since she was hanging out the window with me just a few feet away from her passenger-side window, and she was facing me. So you see she was close enough to identify.

If she tried to say anything to me, I didn’t hear over my Discman. I turned and saw her from the back as they passed, and most likely looked for the license plate and bumper stickers at this time.

There was no explanation for why on earth she’d be hanging half out the window, just yet more bizarre behavior from this woman.

I thought it was a psychotic episode.

Maybe they’d been arguing.

Maybe she threatened to jump out, which from what I’ve read, is common among people with borderline personality disorder, both the threatening and the doing.

Maybe she saw me from a distance and wanted to yell at me.

In any case, this incident proved to me that I was not crazy, that Tracy had something going on with her psychologically or mentally, that her problems with me came from inside herself. I saw it as a gift from God.

Another time, Jeff and I were driving down one of the major streets of the city, while I looked out the passenger window, and who should I see unloading a big van at the local political headquarters, but Richard.

I saw out of the corner of my eye (trying not to look directly at him) as he saw us and stared after us. He’s such a big guy that he’s easy to spot.

I have no respect anymore for either Richard or Tracy after all this.

It’s been a struggle just keeping in the same denomination as they are, especially when they have demonstrated that they will still come to my church on occasion–meaning I can never consider them to be completely out of my life unless they relocate.

I came close to giving up on church because it reminded me too much of Richard, but I had too much strength in my beliefs to throw them away.

I sometimes feel that the only way I can truly go on in Orthodoxy is if they either apologize for their crimes, or leave me alone to disconnect the Orthodox Church from Richard.

I still care about him and miss our friendship, remember the good times, and miss telling him all about the happenings at church or the latest news about local churches of various denominations. But I can’t deal anymore with the crap that came along with it.

I don’t miss Tracy one bit, and don’t care to ever see her again. Jeff doesn’t miss her, either, and doesn’t want to say anything to her when he sees her.

They are welcome to apologize at any time, though whether or not a friendship would be reinstated, after so much time and childishness on their part–would take a lot of reflection first. Who knows what could bring on Tracy’s venom next time? Abusers go in cycles:

If we reinstate a friendship, like a year before (after 2009 discussions) there will probably be a honeymoon period for a while. But then she’ll start building up her anger yet again, and something else will set her off a year later. You know, just like what had already happened.

So what’s the point? Who knows; maybe at some point in the future, things will somehow come to a point where a friendship is possible again. But I’m not holding my breath.

Table of Contents

1. Introduction

2. We share a house

3. Tracy’s abuse turns on me

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children

5. My frustrations mount

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

8. The Incident

9. The fallout; a second chance?

10. Grief

11. Struggle to regain normalcy

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13. Conclusion

13b. Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary

14. Updates on Richard’s Criminal Charges

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing

by Nyssa McCanmore
Posted on December 7, 2010October 30, 2020

Was Richard’s betrayal driven by Narcissism–or Stockholm Syndrome?

From Love and Stockholm Syndrome:

Don’t feel the victim’s behavior is against the family or friends. It may be a form of survival or a way of lowering stress. Victims may be very resistive, angry, and even hostile due to the complexity of their relationship with the controller/abuser.
They may even curse, threaten, and accuse loved ones and friends. This hostile defensiveness is actually self-protection in the relationship–an attempt to avoid “trouble”.

I can only hope this is true…otherwise I can’t explain how my “best friend” turned into an abuser himself….Abuse sends out hostile waves that must be stopped before they do even more damage. [I posted this top part on Facebook on June 9, 2011.]

I have no way of knowing how much of the sweet and gentle person I knew, and how much of the narcissistic jackass who excused his wife’s abuses, tried to make everyone pacify her by giving in to her, got angry if somebody responded to her abuses with anger or abuse–was real.

I have no idea if he was putting on his best front for me in the beginning, hiding his true, violent, self-centered self, or if I was getting a glimpse of what he could be on his own, without the constant pinpricks of living with a shrew.

It is possible that he was improving himself, going from the self-acknowledged sins of his past to a new, righteous self saved by the Blood of Christ. But that over time, living with an abuser turned him into a peacemaker who let his wife abuse and be right while he blamed the victims for the abuse.

Don’t picture my father as a obsequious, weak man. He is nothing of the sort. He was a man of strength and forthrightness at one time…a long time ago.
This was a man who would never stand by to watch some stranger get attacked and he not intervene. With fists if need be.
This was not true, though, with his own children. He seems to have had no perspective where it concerned how his wife was…and how she treated his own children.
He saved his pity for her. He made allowances for her bad behavior because he believed her childhood explained (and justified) her bad behavior as an adult.
Because he made these allowances for the perpetrator, he was not able to see his way clear to protect his children from the beast. Because he pitied the perp, he ended up consigning helpless children to her abuses.
He loved my mother above all else. His children were unwanted and annoying appendages to his idol, my mother.
He tolerated us because he loved her. This also made it easy for him to demand of us better behavior than he expected from a full-grown woman, his wife.
He only ‘loved’ us when we were invisible or when we performed as he expected us to.
My father today is a bitter, angry, cynical man. His mind gradually poisoned by Worm Tongue against his children and extended family.
I have evidence in his own writing that he has surrendered his integrity in order to keep peace with the devil. His moral compass is so broken that he feels righteous and justified to demand of me, his grown daughter, that I too capitulate to the selfish demands of his infernal wife.
He sees me as the problem because I will not bend over and grab the ankles in order to ‘make peace’…like he has.
Yes, indeed. The price for peace with a villain is very high indeed. It has cost my father much. He has lost every one of his extended family members. He has lost at least one daughter.
All he has left is his evil wife. And, perhaps, the one daughter who greatly resembles his evil wife, my sister.
Was it really worth defending the indefensible all these years? I highly doubt it. I have seen clear indications that much of the time he can’t stand to be around my mother.
They live separate lives. He speaks impatiently and angrily with her much of the time.
There are times when he is tender and indulgent with my mother. These are rare times when she has managed to use enough of her feminine charms to soften him.
He is not a happy man. He has paid out too much of his soul, though, to cash in his chips. He will stay with her to the bitter, ugly end.
Count carefully the ultimate cost of ‘peace at any and all costs’. It is very steep. In the end, all you will be left with is the cold comfort of your pretended integrity and righteousness minus your soul. —The High Price of Peace at Any Cost

Yes, Richard and Tracy ascribe to the “must stay married at all costs because of God’s commands” point of view. But I don’t believe God means that people should stay with those who abuse them, abuse the children, and spread their poison from generation to generation.

On the contrary, Christ–normally even-tempered and loving with those he spoke to and chastened–was brutal in his words toward the Pharisees and those with evil intentions.

The Jewish culture he spoke to, when he spoke of adultery and divorce, was okay with wives being set aside for petty reasons, such as being bad cooks.

While he also spoke of those who, at the Judgment, will say, “But we said ‘Lord, Lord,'” and he will say, “Depart from me into eternal darkness, because I never knew you”–because they acted righteous while inside their hearts were black.

In fact, the Orthodox Church does allow some leniency in divorce because of hard hearts and the many things people do to destroy their marriages. It isn’t the all-or-nothing attitude of many fundamentalist or evangelical churches.

I don’t believe there is any righteousness in staying with an abuser for the sake of the children (how is that better for them?) or to avoid the “sin” of divorce. [Take that, Debi Pearl! 😉 ]

Table of Contents

1. Introduction

2. We share a house