abusive friendship

I thought I had found a religious and spiritual mentor in my search for the True Church, and a best friend here in my own town instead of far away, one who would always be there for me throughout life.  But I believe this is what really happened:

I fell prey to a con man who eventually decided my husband and I were of no further use to him and his wife.  He used to be a Mafia thug, and was easily provoked to violence.  He hypnotized me without my knowledge.

They wanted to get political connections, but we were too “liberal” and not politically driven; he kept getting money and stuff from us, but the economy tanked and we had money trouble; I was his confidante of his wife’s abuses of him and the children, so she, who has a family history of personality disorders, smeared me to him to drive a wedge between us; and I spoke up against the way they both had been treating their kids.

So instead of addressing the real issues, they made me a scapegoat, made up offenses and kept me always jumping over hoops.  Then because we no longer had much money to give them, I started doubting Richard’s wild stories, and I had let them know they abused their kids, they started treating my husband and I both very badly.

They found an imaginary complaint to skewer me over, so we would break off the friendship in disgust, but they would still be able to claim that it was my fault and not theirs.

Richard threatened my husband with physical violence and intimidated him.  Then in 2010, I was proven correct about the abuse, when Richard choked his oldest daughter until she passed out.  He plea bargained and served a year of probation.

For two and a half years, I was bullied, gaslit and abused by a likely personality disordered person, “Tracy,” who saw me as a threat to her marriage because I was her husband’s confidante about her abuses of him and the children.

Though he, “Richard,” had been my friend for two years already, she made him her abuser-by-proxy, and insisted on forcing her friendship on me, or else I was not “respecting” her, was “moving in on” her husband, and was somehow violating society “norms” which I had never heard of before.

In my circles, friendship was allowed to happen naturally.  Nobody I knew complained about husbands making female friends, playful and innocent flirting, or going out to lunch with a female friend.  I had never encountered jealousy.

In fact, I was the most “jealous” person I knew, simply because I did not like my husband sharing a hotel room with a female friend for an SCA (like Ren-Faire) event, which that friend called having him on a “long leash.”

My husband and I trust each other and have no requirements whatsoever on our friends.  So Tracy’s behavior shocked and made no sense to me or to my husband, who felt she did not trust Richard.

If she had not been abusive to her husband and children, and if she had not begun snarking at me and telling falsehoods about me to her husband and mother, I would have had no trouble whatsoever being her friend.

But because of the abuses, I did not want her in my life.  However, I felt forced to let her be there, or I would lose a friend who was very dear to me.

I tried to get along with her–friended her on Facebook, gave her things she needed, gave her a flower, asked for recipes, chatted with her on occasion, joked with her on occasion, agreed with her on occasion on childcare, smiled at her during conversation, played games with her, changed her baby’s poopy diaper while she was in the shower, visited her in the hospital, held my tongue whenever she snarked at me, even gave her money and a place to stay–but nothing I did was enough.

My husband thought my behavior was fine.

I did not monopolize the conversation when she was in the room, mostly letting them carry it; if Richard and I sat next to each other, I might chat with him for a while, but usually my husband was there for her to talk to, or she was on the computer or doing some other thing.

She did not start conversations with me.  She did not even try with me, but instead expected me to come up with conversation when I have trouble with this in the best of social situations.  Most of the time there was something else going on in the room, or she was talking to everyone or to somebody else or screaming at a kid, so I didn’t see it as a time for starting conversation with her.

She criticized everything I did.  She refused to accept that I was a shy, quiet introvert with probable NVLD, who had always been that way and always would be, that making conversation with her–especially with someone who bullied me and whom I had maybe just witnessed verbally abusing her husband, kids or somebody else–was practically impossible for me until she stopped the abuse and accepted me for who I was.

I needed to be accepted as a quiet person who will not say much most of the time, even among my best friends.  I tried to explain all of this to Richard, hoping that he would explain it to her and they would help make it easier for me to relax around her.  But nothing ever changed, while I got blamed for everything and continuously punished for not being extroverted.

When we were roommates, I figured there was nothing wrong with spending 10 minutes talking with just Richard, when that evening we would all be together on the couch talking or watching TV for hours.

It’s not the same as visiting somebody, or they’re visiting you, because, well, we were roommates, and people who live together do this all the time.  And since she lived with me for six weeks and I spent every evening socializing with her and Richard for hours, I figured this was plenty to help her get to know me.

Also, in college my friends hated my fiancé Phil, whom they saw as controlling and possessive.  In turn, he tried to distance me from them, because he saw how they felt about them.  I did not see it until Pearl admitted it to me in a letter over the summer; he told me it was because he was Catholic, trying to make me see them as religiously bigoted.

To me, this was true friendship, and I saw his attempts to keep me from them as isolation and control.  This was my model for friendship, my model for what a controlling spouse acts like.  With Richard, I was now being like my friends, while Tracy behaved like Phil.

I am an introvert with probable NVLD (which socially is like Asperger’s), and cannot carry on conversations with the ease of extroverts.  Introverts must think before they speak, or they will say gibberish, and their brains use long-term rather than short-term memory to come up with something to say during group conversation.

But this takes longer, while extroverts think as they speak and use short-term memory during conversation.  So by the time an introvert comes up with a comment, or finds an opening to say it, the conversation has already moved on to some other topic.

I catch some social cues, but from the way this woman acted with me, I must have missed a whole slew of subtleties, because most of the time I thought our relationship was okay.

Tracy decided that until I turned into an extrovert (which researchers say is absolutely impossible) and someone without NVLD (which is also impossible), then she would treat me like I was trying to steal her husband away.

I had to court her favor before she would “approve” my friendship with Richard (even though he and I had already been friends for two years before I heard anything about this) and “allow” us to go out for coffee, have one-on-one conversations, or do anything at all that he could do with his other friends.

I do not believe in such restrictions put on a grown adult; I believe they are controlling and a red flag of abuse and isolation.

Because of the restrictions my brain put upon me since birth, it was maddening, an impossible requirement I was never able to fulfill, and extremely insulting, yet Richard and Tracy talked like I was making a “mountain out of a molehill,” and blamed me for not changing into an extrovert.

It was bullying and psychological abuse.

If I dealt with social situations with ease, it would have been different.  But I could not, so the motives for my behavior were all benign.

And they gave me none of the cues I asked for to tell me when she wanted to have a conversation with me, so I never noticed her doing it.

Also, I was extremely timid, scared by her aggressive personality, and felt it immoral to be friends with my best friend’s abuser.

But this was 2007, before the Internet exploded with information on how introverts are misunderstood and should be respected, so it was hard for me to explain–or to point to experts to back up my statements.

Every person I have ever known in my entire life has described me as “quiet.”  It’s the first adjective anyone uses to describe me, whether as someone they’ve just met or someone they remember from the past.

Second after that comes “nice,” “sweet,” “loyal.”  Richard called me “sweet, innocent and nice.”

So to me, Tracy’s behavior was like the mean girls and bullies from childhood, bullying me for being different, treating my quietness as if it were evidence of sneakiness and ulterior motives, laying into me with all sorts of horridly abusive, filthy words because I’m quiet–while my best friend let her do it, even talked as if she had every right to!

For two and a half years they tried to bully me into not being the way I’ve always been, treating me as if it were all my fault and Tracy had nothing to do with it, nothing to change in her own behavior.  I struggle to come up with conversation in the best of social situations; pressure like this constricted my throat and cut off my thoughts.

But it got worse: My NVLD has made me extremely gullible.  My classmates in middle school teased me for it; in college, boyfriends used it to manipulate me in ways that other people would see right through.

But my “best friend,” Richard, manipulated me also, getting comfort during a difficult time with his wife by convincing me that putting his head on my shoulder and giving me long, sweet hugs was an innocent expression of friendship and caring, NOT romance.  He told me Americans are too reserved.

So I thought Tracy did these things with friends, too–then he told me, “Don’t do them around Tracy.  She’s very jealous.”  But I was too naïve and trusting to see this as a huge red flag that he’d been lying to me.  (My best friend would never lie to me!)

And then he let Tracy flay me alive for these things, as if they’d been all my idea, as if he had nothing to do with them.

Meanwhile, he threatened my husband for sticking up for me, and wrote to him that he gets “physically violent easily if triggered.”

Just as obeying our parents is good except if they command us to do evil, the same is true with sticking up for our spouses.  While it is good and right to stick up for our spouses and stand by them, if our spouse is doing or saying something abusive or evil to anyone, then it would be evil for us to stick up for them and stand by them.

This means you, too, Richard: It was evil for you to allow your wife’s evil treatment of me, and you became its participant.

Digging out from the psychological damage–which some sources on the Net call Complex-PTSD as described here–has been long and difficult.  Though you might say I started trying to dig out from it soon after I met her, the worst of it wasn’t until a day when she finally spewed her poison, her venom, all over me.

(Fellow introverts, this will really burn you up: She actually accused me of needing to “grow up and talk“!  Talk about being bigoted against and refusing to understand introverts!  Talk about being mean and nasty to someone who’s different from you!  Doesn’t that just make you furious?  And that wasn’t all she said!  Some people need to “grow up” and learn how to treat others, to start being more accepting of other people’s differences!)

I’ve seen her do this to others, too, including a mutual friend, so I know it’s not just me.  Her mother is personality disordered, and has been officially diagnosed and hospitalized for it.  Even Richard noted some of the same traits in Tracy and all her sisters; these things can run in families, whether from some genetic trait or from the effects of being abused.  I am not a psychologist, but I believe Tracy has picked it up as well.

This disgraceful treatment by who I thought was my best friend, the best friend I’d ever had, caused me to build a wall around myself so that for a long time, I barely even went on Facebook anymore to communicate with my true friends.  I do still try to get out and among people, but it’s gotten even harder than it used to be to let people get inside that wall.

Especially during the first year of recovery, I would hide inside it as they chattered away, not revealing my inner life to them, all the pain and anguish and guilt, the things that Tracy said still revolving around in my mind almost a year later.

I got disgusted to see them go up to the Eucharist when they visited my church, how they acted as if I was the one with the problem, how Richard was able to manipulate me as he does others into thinking he’s this cool, loving person–when I have seen the dark side of them both.  How he manipulated me into thinking his wife was the abusive one, but little by little, he began to show that he is also abusive, violent and manipulative.

Then something happened that finally got the attention of the authorities, and proved to me that I did not imagine the abuse in their household:

According to the local newspaper and online public access court records, Richard choked his eldest daughter on September 21, 2010 until she passed out, because she was misbehaving.

Yet in his mug shot, which was posted on the website of the local paper for well over a year, he wears an expression of contempt rather than shame.  (Because of my NVLD, it took a while, and online research, but I finally identified the expression.)  And I’m told that once, when she was very small, he beat her mercilessly.

Also, I have an e-mail and record of a phone conversation which prove I’m telling the truth.  (I held onto them just in case Richard would need an ally in court.)

I also have my husband and Todd as witnesses/character witnesses, the printouts of Tracy on a game forum doing the same things to Todd that she did to me, several of her abusive e-mails to me, the abusive posts she made to Todd on that game forum, printouts of IRC conversations in which Richard claimed to have hypnotized me and been a thug for the Mafia, posts by Todd confirming the Mafia story, e-mails from Todd describing the things he himself witnessed, and a public blog post by Richard from 2007, all confirming my story as true and not the ravings of someone who is “not all there,” as Tracy called me in 2012 when she found my blog and this website.

I have copies of e-mails I sent to friends and family describing the situation from 2007-2010.  I have a file, started in mid-2010, in which I wrote everything I witnessed while I could still remember it well, just in case I would be needed as a character witness for Richard.  I am also witness of and privy to some things which I did not post online because of their sensitive nature.

These records give me confidence that I write the truth, that I was indeed bullied and abused, and that there was also abuse in Richard and Tracy’s household.  Though for legal reasons, I must note that my writings are all opinion based on my understanding of the facts, and others may disagree with my assessments.

The first thing is, you were born this way. It is in your nature, and thus cannot be wrong.  On average, one out of every three people is an introvert, if being quiet was wrong, that would make 1/3 of the total population born lesser. –serjicaladdict, Why are you so quiet?

My Trip to Oz and Back is much like my own blogs, an account of two years spent by the writer with her girlfriend, which was actually a 50-page letter sent by the author to her ex-girlfriend.

That was in the late 90s, when the author had never heard of borderline personality disorder, so there had been no official diagnosis for her to point to.  But the more she learned about BPD, the more she knew her ex-girlfriend had it, so she posted this letter to help others who are dealing with someone with BPD.

It has been on the Web since 2003, and by November 2006 had received 53,000 hits.  As the author wrote on the main page,

Writing this was cathartic. It doubled as a form of therapy. I actually did send the letter; however, I doubt that it had much effect.  The more I learned about BPD, the more I realized that the likelihood of this person ever really understanding, was probably close to zero….

Why would I want to put such a personal document online?  There are several reasons. First, I wanted to give an accurate portrayal of what it is like to be in a relationship with a person with BPD.  There are many books and websites on BPD, but relatively few from a significant other’s point of view.

Second, I am hoping that someone out there might read a bit and identify with it.  When one is in a difficult situation, sometimes just hearing about another person’s similar experience can be affirming–as in, “I’m not the only one.”

Finally, I consider myself a success story–see the final chapter, the epilogue.  My wish is to give hope to others.

Like me, the author changed names and identifying details.  This is to protect the guilty as well as the innocent.  Joyful Alive Woman also wrote about her abusive, narcissist, former female friend.

The narcissist blames others for his behaviour, accuses them of provoking him into his temper tantrums and believes firmly that “they” should be punished for their “misbehaviour”.

Apologies–unless accompanied by verbal or other humiliation–are not enough. The fuel of the narcissist’s rage is spent mainly on vitriolic verbal send-offs directed at the (often imaginary) perpetrator of the (oft innocuous) offence.

The narcissist–wittingly or not–utilises people to buttress his self-image and to regulate his sense of self-worth. As long and in as much as they are instrumental in achieving these goals, he holds them in high regard, they are valuable to him. He sees them only through this lens.

This is a result of his inability to love others: he lacks empathy, he thinks utility, and, thus, he reduces others to mere instruments.

If they cease to “function”, if, no matter how inadvertently, they cause him to doubt his illusory, half-baked, self-esteem–they are subjected to a reign of terror.

The narcissist then proceeds to hurt these “insubordinates”. He belittles and humiliates them. He displays aggression and violence in myriad forms.

His behaviour metamorphoses, kaleidoscopically, from over-valuing (idealising) the useful person–to a severe devaluation of same. The narcissist abhors, almost physiologically, people judged by him to be “useless”. —The Soul of a Narcissist by Sam Vaknin

Table of Contents 

1. Introduction

• Bullying of an introvert and probable NVLDer
• My NVLD in a nutshell
• Richard dismisses my experiences
• Summarizing this story
• Why I put this story on the Web–at great personal risk
• I was Sam in search of a Frodo, Anne in search of a Diana

2. We share a house 

• I finally find my Frodo–who moves in
• Discovering they live in squalor
• Richard reveals his wife’s abuses
• Houseguests From Hell
• Tracy turns jealous of and hostile toward me because I’m an introvert with NVLD
• Tracy’s narcissistic/BPD rage episode at Richard–and Richard reveals his own abuse
• Tracy’s control-freak behavior–to me, in my house
• Tracy overhears me telling Jeff she’s abusive–and wreaks vengeance
• Verge of nervous breakdown as houseguests from Hell abuse our hospitality
• Richard gives me the fateful hugs good-bye

3. Tracy’s abuse turns on me 

• Tracy’s smear campaign and emotional blackmail begin full-force
• I almost break off the friendship because of Tracy
• Tracy’s unreasonable jealousy even as I take pains to be above reproach
• Their doublespeak and double standards
• Tracy snarks and Richard nitpicks
• The emotional vampires suck me dry–and accuse me of being too sensitive
• My Friend Richard, the Narcissist
• Richard says he hypnotized me without my knowledge
• More on Richard’s hypnotism–and his narcissistic stare
• Richard’s past in the Mafia–and his plot to kill the apartment manager
• Tracy bullies me and tries to control Richard by weeding out friends she doesn’t like

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children 

• E-mails and phone call describe how Tracy abuses her husband and children
• More details of Tracy’s abuse of her children
• Early 2010: I speak up about Tracy’s child abuse–and ponder reporting her to authorities
• Early warning signs of Tracy’s abuse and volatility
• I get an inkling of Richard’s own abuse of his children

5. My frustrations mount 

• How to Bully an Introvert–and Assets of NVLD
• Two Narcissists Tag-Team Bully an Introvert with NLD
• Tracy is nasty to me on the phone
• Fed-up, I decide to end the friendship if Tracy does not stop bullying me
• Tracy Mindscrews me with Constantly Changing Rules, “Okays” me then takes it back without telling me, Violates my Privacy by reading my e-mails to Richard
• I must be accepted as I am–introversion, NVLD and all–or you’re out
• Now Richard Screws with my Mind
• Tracy drives away another friend (Todd) with narcissistic rage, manipulation, lies and a smear campaign
• I discover the restrictions are still up after 7 months–and ponder ending the friendship
• Tracy tells Jeff a different story: I have already been “approved” as Richard’s friend
• Richard gaslights me into thinking I’m a stalker

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

• Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends
• Disturbing Revelations from Richard about Tracy and our time sharing a house
• Revealing e-mails I drafted to Richard: proving I felt abused and bullied, and witnessed abuse
• We seem to have things sorted out–and they seem to finally take responsibility for causing drama (but there’s more to come later)
• E-mails proving my innocence, that Tracy lied in 2010, that I respected boundaries, and that I asked for a “signal”
• Richard mansplains me, denies that his friends sexually harassed me, and refuses to respect my wishes

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

• Without warning or explanation, tensions build as Richard and Tracy both begin acting like lunatics
• I begin to wonder if the Richard I know–is real or a fake persona
• Richard decides I’m no longer worth his time or respect–because of POLITICS–as he gets into the TEA Party
• Richard goes off the deep end and disses us for not buying into his extreme right-wing politics
• Richard grows distant and Tracy’s insane jealousy flares up
• Richard rips into me publicly and I suspect our friendship is all a fake
• I feel increasing coldness from Richard and Tracy as I “unfriend” their Republican candidates and “friend” Obama and Feingold
• Time to scapegoat me into thinking I’m the problem–and I realize my “BFF” is a fraud
• I confront Richard with how he’s been treating me–so he stonewalls me and threatens to beat up my husband
• Resolution: I apologize–and write the fateful e-mail about the fateful hugs

 
8. The Incident

• Part One: Tracy’s narcissistic rage against me–but I am innocent of all her charges
• Part Two: Tracy enjoys verbally abusing me, then tries to silence me–so I tell everyone
• Part Three: Jeff’s WTF moment: Judas (Richard) knows I’m innocent, but psychotically rages at Jeff
• Part Four: Their DARVO lies lead us to break off relations with our abusers
• Why we should tell everyone we have been abused
• E-Mails to Friends About the Incident, written in first two months
• 1. To Mike and my mother
• 2. E-mails describing pain of breaking up with a close friend
• 3. E-mails spilling all the abuse, to my closest friends
• 4. E-mails to Todd describing what happened
• Why we should not be forced to befriend a BFF’s abusive spouse
• Why I refused to “confer” with Tracy–and how Richard betrayed me
• Tracy refused to accept the NVLD and introversion–but they are real
• Resolving conflict: The difference between friends and frenemies

9. The fallout; a second chance?

• I send an apology–and we’re all blocked on Facebook
• Struggling to process what the F**K just happened
• E-mail to Mike: processing my pain
• Pondering forgiveness vs. giving in to the dark vortex
• Shock: Richard and Tracy at my church
• About Richard justifying Tracy’s verbal abuse because I am shy and quiet
• The monster comes back out: Tracy punishes me for long-dead issues
• How Tracy’s e-mails displayed narcissism
• I suggest a six-month break
• I refuse to give in to Tracy’s emotional blackmail
• Tracy blamed others for her abuse
• Tracy tried to force me to submit to her abuse

10. Grief 

• Grief over losing my best and closest friend–for no good reason
• Written 2010: Grief over being falsely accused
• Written 2010/2011: Grief over being abused–and the abuser getting away with it
• Written 2010/2011: I see Tracy hanging out of the window of their minivan, like a crazy woman
• Written 2011: Grief that my abusers kept coming to my church but not apologizing to me
• Blog Post for my friends: Fighting the Darkness (Written in February 2011)
• Can we destroy something God put in place?
• An old friend shows me that Richard and Tracy were deceivers, never friends
• The long, dark night of my soul as I doubt God exists–because my spiritual mentor betrayed me
• I start doubting Tracy was ever truly a Christian–so it’s okay to separate myself from her fellowship
• Grief felt on 6/12/11
• 2011 Facebook post: Original form of Losing Your Best Friend?–Or, Narcissistic Webs

11. Struggle to regain normalcy

• Describing Richard’s narcissism
• Realizing how Richard manipulated me into doing things I shouldn’t
• Was Richard’s betrayal driven by Narcissism–or Stockholm Syndrome?
• Tracy: a woman who abuses a man
• Richard’s lack of action made him a passive abuser
• Fear of it all happening again with new friends–but relief as well
• Written early or mid 2011: working through the grief, pain and anger
• How Richard and Tracy’s views on parenting are wrong
• Running into Richard and Tracy at church/the store/Greekfest a year later

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13. Conclusion 

13b. Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary

14. Updates on Richard’s Criminal Charges 

• Introduction to this section: Richard’s Criminal Charges
• UPDATE 7/26/11: Richard is charged with abusing his daughter; I report them to CPS
• UPDATE 9/14/11: I learn that Richard choked his daughter
• UPDATE 10/4/11: Richard is convicted of choking his daughter
• UPDATE 10/23/11: After his conviction, Richard comes to my church

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing

• by Nyssa McCanmore
• Posted on July 1, 2010April 12, 2020