What amazes me is the fury with which I was hit for musing, on one of my blog posts months before my blog stalkers ever found them, that if our churches were to merge, I would have to go to the priest of the merged church for help:
Richard’s church and mine are both very small and in financial trouble; the archdiocese has suggested they merge. The two churches don’t want to merge, since they’re in different counties, and somebody would have to move. But the option is still on the table.
If the churches merge, I will have to go to the priest with my concerns, and show him the proof that Richard is a convicted child abuser, to establish my credibility and prove that he is violent.
Because Tracy has bullied and verbally abused me as well, I will have to also show him an article I found on a contract one church drew up with a member who had been charged with molestation, a contract which was meant to help the member find redemption, but also consider the needs and fears of the victims. We could modify it for our own needs.
For one thing, this was hypothetical and may never happen, because our two churches do not want to merge. I posted that a year ago, and nobody has done anything to move toward a merge.
For another, when one person in a church has been abused by another person in that church, going to the priest/preacher for help and protection is perfectly valid and may be necessary to provide protection. For example, see the article I linked about the contract one church drew up.
Disagreements between parishioners are one thing, but we’re talking actual abuse here, which caused me extensive spiritual damage as well. It is my right–even in the Constitution–to go to my priest with concerns like this.
From what I could determine from Richard and Tracy’s vague and threatening e-mail (see Now I’m Being Stalked), this is the action which they warned me they would sue me for.
Also, asking for spiritual help and counseling from a priest, preacher or other qualified parishioner, to help with another, is not only perfectly valid, but commanded by Christ for handling disputes (Matthew 18:15-17), so that the body will not be divided.
So by threatening me, Richard and Tracy are fighting Christ. A mediator would be absolutely necessary in a small church, in a situation as abusive and volatile as this.
[Update 9/6/14:] Not only that, but a police officer told me I had the right to do this and could not be sued for it.
Since my blog stalkers tried to use threats of lawsuits to keep me from handling this dispute properly within the church if our churches were to merge, I can only assume that it was because they know they’re in the wrong. That they don’t want their abusive actions to see the light of day.
Keep this in mind as a red flag, because such threats are common from abusers, whether the victim has already told, or to prevent the victim from telling, those who could help.
Others have been through this, such as Julie Anne Smith, who have tried to have such a counseling session/meeting with their abusers, but the abusers have refused, choosing to sue instead.
(So far, Julie Anne Smith has won, all charges against her dismissed with the plaintiff paying her legal fees, while another blogger’s suit is just beginning. But over and over again, I find plaintiffs losing such cases.)
Disfellowshipping from the church is only to be used for extreme cases, and I never intended for my blog stalkers to be disfellowshipped even if we did get that far.
The contract described above, is what I wanted, to stipulate that they keep their distance from me and not harass me, so I could feel safe at church without fearing for my emotional, spiritual or even physical well-being.
But the unwillingness of my blog stalkers to recognize their own part in things and apologize, even after we have spoken to my priest, and for them to react so harshly against the idea of counseling with the priest, leaves me free to disfellowship them from me.
But this page on resolving disputes between congregants, from a Protestant denomination, sums up quite well why this is so vital in a tiny church:
Many branches of the church of God are small in the number of members. Most of our individual congregations are quite small too. There were positive and negative aspects of the large congregations of our former fellowship.
Because of the much greater numbers of people in our old congregations, there were more opportunities for friends and companionship, but there were also more opportunities for offenses.
This fact also allowed the offenders and the offended to “resolve” their differences by merely ignoring one another and gravitating to another set of church friends. We do not have that luxury in our tiny congregations today!
We have very limited opportunities for friendship and fellowship within our tiny congregations on our little “church islands.”
Remember that our little church congregations are small islands of truth and righteousness, isolated and surrounded by the vast ocean of Satan’s world.
We need to stick together. We should not be giving offense to our beloved brethren, and neither should we be so touchy and sensitive that we are too easily offended.
Let us strive to get along together and to love one another with the godly love that is unique to the brothers and sisters of Jesus Christ.
If our churches were cathedrals, or at least as large as my husband’s church (500), we could easily lose sight of each other in the crowd (and neither church would be in financial straits and talking mergers, either).
But no, our churches are so tiny that you can barely move without bumping into each other at some point. A person can barely speak without everyone in the room being aware of it.
In mine you have the little sanctuary and a little office upstairs, and the basement downstairs, and that’s it: no classrooms, even. Theirs is even smaller.
My priest is already aware of the situation, but because our churches have been reticent to merge, there has been no reason to ask for a formal contract as described above, or for formal counseling sessions involving my blog stalkers. The best means has been to simply avoid each other (though stalking my blog hardly counts as “avoiding” me).
Most of the time they’re not at my church, so there is no problem with this, and I have felt no need to go further. But my church is in the final stages of negotiating a salary for my priest; if he rejects it, I don’t know what will happen.
If the idea of merging is put on the table again because of our recent, sudden change in finances, then I’ll have to ask for formal help–or go to a church which is farther away, but free of this drama completely. Or if they start coming to mine on a regular basis, I will have to ask for formal help, because I won’t uproot myself from my own church.
And they will not be able to sue me, will have no right to, because I have and will have broken no law–and because it would be a violation of my rights.
Neither option is appealing. But if I have to ask for formal counseling, it is well within my rights as a parishioner and an abuse victim–and my blog stalkers would have absolutely no basis to sue me over it.
I would keep out opinions of motivations, etc. and stick to what happened and how it made me feel, not out of fear of a lawsuit, but because it would not be right or tactful to bring such things into counseling sessions with a priest.
It’s not his job to sort that stuff out, and I would be far better served by keeping things clear and to the point, no speculation. I’ve noted that people involved in custody battles are advised this as well.
In other words, what works for venting to friends in cyberspace, is entirely different from what works for negotiations, and could actually work against the desired result.
Why this would so disturb my blog stalkers that they would call it a “threat” (when it wasn’t even directed at them, just musings written months before they found my blog), and threaten me with a lawsuit if I did this, I have no clue.
You can easily see that there was no hint of a “threatening” tone in the “offending” paragraph. Unless, of course, they recognize what they did was wrong, and that this would force them to face that.
What I do know is that their threat is groundless, and because of our First Amendment, the courts would not even touch it. How churches deal with contentious members, is entirely up to the churches.
I am 100% supportive of outing these fools by name. Unfortunately, there are many who don’t understand that outing them is a direct consequence and they should deal with it. They don’t.
Instead, they seek low-life attorneys willing to send cease and desist letters to scare us into thinking we’re committing a crime.
We’re not!! It’s called freedom of speech.
If they think we’re lying and hope to sue us for defamation, libel, or slander, they need to prove that in court. The burden in U.S. courts is on the complainant, not the defender. I believe it is opposite in some countries, including Canada and the UK. –Paula, Lance Armstrong’s Jailhouse Confession
Upsi, who runs a blog about her experiences with her narcissistic family, ended up much in the same boat as I am when her family found her blog. I find comfort in reading about this, as she tried to go no contact but her family kept trying to argue with her over how they were portrayed.
Narcs drive many people underground – afraid to have any kind of online presence for fear of how the Ns in their lives will use it against them.
Everyday, another great blog shuts down, disappears, closes up shop. There are many reasons for this, one of which may be acceptance and moving on, but my gut tells me it’s mostly fear….
I feel strong and truthful to keep blogging, keep telling it how I see it, keep breaking silences inside myself one by one, even knowing that my FOO can read anytime. I will not dance for them….
The shock of knowing everything I wrote here was read by my family took a while to register….
I’ve grown comfortable with it. In the end, I am who I am, this blog is my place to talk and think out loud and be myself. Take it or leave it. Read it or dismiss it. Respect it or call it fiction –that’s not why I’m here. Everyone has a right to their opinion.
One commenter wrote that she “had a brief scare” when she thought her brother found her blog, but she decided to be like Upsi and say, “Screw you!” and not give up her confidence and true self.
Same here….When my narcs first found my blog, at first I hoped they would finally understand me and stop blaming me for the end of the friendship with them.
Then as silence reigned, but they kept checking (3-4 times a day), I began to fear. Then they turned menacing, actually threatened to sue, thwarted all my attempts to block them, began reading it constantly.
I was scared for a while–but now I’ve thrown open the blockers and let them back in. I know they’re still checking, and may try to use my words against me, yet I blog anyway.
It’s a chance to finally have my own voice, to say what I want to say, to them and about them. If they don’t like it, then tough. They can’t sue me over this! There are no real names and there are no lies/deliberate falsehoods.
As another commenter put it in Upsi’s post “Proof“:
It’s amazing how your mom’s friend and her daughter continue to gloss over the fact that it was your mom who went out of her way to go online and find your blog – your own online diary.
She read your DIARY – your private thoughts and feelings–and then shared them with anyone and everyone! They keep accusing you of somehow ‘torturing’ your mom and yet if she wasn’t so intrusive, she wouldn’t even know your words were out there!
As for my blog stalkers, Richard and Tracy–Fine, let them go ahead and look. Let them come to my church and GreekFest. I no longer care. My fear of them is gone. Their power over me is gone.
The blockers weren’t working anyway on their cell phone, but I see every page they read, using my four stat counter trackers. Maybe they’ll learn something.
They want me to fear them; they want to silence me; as long as they do that, they still have power over me. I’ve lived in fear of them far long enough. ENOUGH!
Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great…For my will is as strong as yours, my kingdom as great… Damn. I can never remember that line…..You have no power over me. —Sarah, Labyrinth
But they must leave me alone, not speak a word to me except in repentance for the many hurtful things they’ve both done to me, which they’re already well aware of, since they read everything (or at least glanced over it).
If they don’t speak to me, especially in anger, if they refrain from nastiness if I’m serving coffee hour, if they stay away from me and don’t cause trouble for me, then going to my priest requesting a contract to protect the bullying victim–
(as I mentioned in “Mutual Friends,” which they seemed so enraged about and called a “threat,” but would be my right and duty to ask for, to protect myself as a bullying victim)–
would be unnecessary. That is, after all, the entirety of what I would ask for in such a contract.
From what I could gather from context, this is the “threat” they referred to in “Now I’m Being Stalked,” of my going to “members of the church.”
Considering it was not addressed to them but was a musing over how I would have to deal with it if our churches merged, and was my right as a victim–
If they take it as a “threat” then it must have scared them to think I would do this and show the priest proof of Richard’s conviction (to establish my credibility and show I had reason to be scared).
But showing a criminal record is not in any way “defamation,” but truth, and it is not “defamation” for a victim to request help from her priest because she has been bullied or abused in some way.
This threat to sue me is merely an empty, groundless, baseless threat made by bullies to keep their victim under their thumbs.
Interesting how they felt they could say all sorts of terrible things to me and treat me like crap, but if I turn around and call them on their BS, tell them they’re abusers and need to knock it off, they act like I’ve committed a horrible crime.
Things could have ended so very differently, and I would never have felt driven to release the hurt and pain and frustration through writing, if not for their hard hearts.
If I never cared about Richard, if there weren’t some part of me which still cared even after all this crap and the choking incident, I would’ve been able to walk away from this whole thing, put it into a work of fiction perhaps (as I did with the sociopath who caused our shire trouble back in ’99, and with the “Avenger” back in college), and that would be that.
The depths of my pain and trouble getting past it, are testimony to just how much it mattered to me, how much I cared about my so-called best friend and the kind of person I thought he was. I’ve tried to stomp on that piece of my heart that still cares about Richard, shoot it, rip it to pieces, hammer it, stab it, and yet that little piece of caring still remains.
And there was a time when I cared about Tracy, too, and craved her good opinion as well, wanted her to become a friend I could watch TV with and such. But forgiveness is still there for the taking, if they only would ask.
But I don’t expect they ever will, because narcissists care as much and are just as sorry for the destruction they leave behind them, as a homeowner is when killing off the ants who’ve invaded his bedroom.
[Update 6/11/14: Up till I posted this, they had fallen down on their threat to stalk me at church all summer long. They showed up a couple of times, showed up at GreekFest, then stopped. Then I posted this, they read it in the wee hours of the following morning, and they showed up again on August 19.
They were remarkably well-behaved–just as I laid out in this post as a requirement for the “contract” I would want, if they began going to my church full-time.
But that’s the last time I ever saw them at church or at GreekFest.]
The trouble with dealing with narcissists is that they can still manipulate you as long as you are still emotionally connected to them. It is necessary to break free of that power they have over you, so they can no longer touch you, no matter what they do. My purpose now is to break that power.
Tracy and, possibly, Richard, who seems to have been recruited to this as well (along with one friend who was also recruited but is blocked from my Facebook now), have been playing games with my head for the past several weeks, but in such a subtle way as to make me look like the crazy one.
First, after reading all my blogs in (from what they said to me) narcissistic glee, they sent me a nasty e-mail that twisted the truth, denied their abuses and bullying, tried to turn everything around on me, and laughed at me for being upset about the things they did; they threatened to sue me if I went to my priest for help.
They know I don’t want them on this blog anymore since their purpose is malicious, so they found a way around my blocks and have been checking it constantly. They know I don’t want to see them, so they’ve been putting themselves right where I can see them.
The purpose is to screw with my mind and take me down. If everyone thinks I’m crazy, then I’m the one discredited, and they get away with what they did. It is one massive mind screw.
So I have two choices: give in to the mind screw and let them take me down, or fight back by removing the power from them to do this.
Tracy has always been very competitive, playing her games–whether Risk, or online games, or the game she’s playing in your head–to win. It’s not about you at all. She has identified and is exploiting my vulnerabilities, which is what you do in war.
She obviously sees me as a threat, or else why would she do all this? If you really think I’m so “not all there,” then just laugh and ignore my lunatic ravings.
My priest has told me not to check my blog stats for a while, even though it does serve a legitimate purpose of seeing if anyone (besides various bots, which are peskily numerous) is actually reading what I post, and even though bloggers typically want to know who’s reading. But the purpose of fasting from the stats is to make Richard and Tracy vanish.
The narcissist central focus is control. The narcissist is interested in controlling emotions and fostering a sense of attachment to his victims even when he is no longer physically a part of their lives.
Mind games are essentially utilized to torture the victim and to take over the mental processes of the victim. This negation of thoughts and cogitation is fostered by keeping the victim attached to the narcissistic ex partner through inferences, drafting and keeping the victim connected to the situation that she desperately needs to overcome….
Do not allow the narcissist to exploit you and play games with your mind. Do not permit someone to have dominion over your thoughts and your private moments.
They are yours; seize them now before it is too late. Get your control back but before you lose not just only a love interest but your sanity, pride and maybe your life. –Crystal Evans, Why the Narcissist Loves Mind Games
You have the option of knowing what he is up to and therefore not allowing yourself to be taken in by his games. The narcissist will prey on you only as long as you let him. —Tigress Luv, Narcissistic Mind Games
I know that, in my own experience, getting in touch with my feelings was the turning point. I started to explore my feelings, asking myself just exactly how this stuff was making me feel. I mean that I dug deep until I could put my finger on exactly HOW a thing made me feel.
Did it make me feel violated in some way? Did it make me feel like two cents waiting for change? And so on.
And then I zeroed in on why what the narc did made me feel that way. Guess what? I discovered that all my feelings were perfectly natural and that I was just being normal and human for feeling that way.
I also saw that the narcissist was deliberately working to make me feel that way. Needless to say, that changed everything. I was no longer easy prey. –Kathy Krajco, Examples of Narcissistic Behavior