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As for my two blog stalkers…..

As for my blog stalkers, Richard and Tracy–Fine, let them go ahead and look.  Let them come to my church and GreekFest.  I no longer care.  My fear of them is gone.  Their power over me is gone.

The blockers weren’t working anyway on their cell phone, but I see every page they read, using my four stat counter trackers.  Maybe they’ll learn something.

They want me to fear them; they want to silence me; as long as they do that, they still have power over me.  I’ve lived in fear of them far long enough.  ENOUGH!

Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great…For my will is as strong as yours, my kingdom as great… Damn.  I can never remember that line…..You have no power over me. Sarah, Labyrinth

But they must leave me alone, not speak a word to me except in repentance for the many hurtful things they’ve both done to me, which they’re already well aware of, since they read everything (or at least glanced over it).

If they don’t speak to me, especially in anger, if they refrain from nastiness if I’m serving coffee hour, if they stay away from me and don’t cause trouble for me, then going to my priest requesting a contract to protect the bullying victim–

(as I mentioned in “Mutual Friends,” which they seemed so enraged about and called a “threat,” but would be my right and duty to ask for, to protect myself as a bullying victim)–

would be unnecessary.  That is, after all, the entirety of what I would ask for in such a contract.

From what I could gather from context, this is the “threat” they referred to in “Now I’m Being Stalked,” of my going to “members of the church.”

Considering it was not addressed to them but was a musing over how I would have to deal with it if our churches merged, and was my right as a victim–

If they take it as a “threat” then it must have scared them to think I would do this and show the priest proof of Richard’s conviction (to establish my credibility and show I had reason to be scared).

But showing a criminal record is not in any way “defamation,” but truth, and it is not “defamation” for a victim to request help from her priest because she has been bullied or abused in some way.

This threat to sue me is merely an empty, groundless, baseless threat made by bullies to keep their victim under their thumbs.

Interesting how they felt they could say all sorts of terrible things to me and treat me like crap, but if I turn around and call them on their BS, tell them they’re abusers and need to knock it off, they act like I’ve committed a horrible crime.

Things could have ended so very differently, and I would never have felt driven to release the hurt and pain and frustration through writing, if not for their hard hearts.

If I never cared about Richard, if there weren’t some part of me which still cared even after all this crap and the choking incident, I would’ve been able to walk away from this whole thing, put it into a work of fiction perhaps (as I did with the sociopath who caused our shire trouble back in ’99, and with the “Avenger” back in college), and that would be that.

The depths of my pain and trouble getting past it, are testimony to just how much it mattered to me, how much I cared about my so-called best friend and the kind of person I thought he was.  I’ve tried to stomp on that piece of my heart that still cares about Richard, shoot it, rip it to pieces, hammer it, stab it, and yet that little piece of caring still remains.

And there was a time when I cared about Tracy, too, and craved her good opinion as well, wanted her to become a friend I could watch TV with and such.  But forgiveness is still there for the taking, if they only would ask.

But I don’t expect they ever will, because narcissists care as much and are just as sorry for the destruction they leave behind them, as a homeowner is when killing off the ants who’ve invaded his bedroom.

[Update 6/11/14: Up till I posted this, they had fallen down on their threat to stalk me at church all summer long.  They showed up a couple of times, showed up at GreekFest, then stopped.  Then I posted this, they read it in the wee hours of the following morning, and they showed up again on August 19. 

They were remarkably well-behaved–just as I laid out in this post as a requirement for the “contract” I would want, if they began going to my church full-time.

But that’s the last time I ever saw them at church or at GreekFest.]

Fighting the Darkness: Breaking the Power of Narcissists

[This is one of my most popular posts.]

I Spy With My Little Eye…A Blog Stalker?

The trouble with dealing with narcissists is that they can still manipulate you as long as you are still emotionally connected to them.  It is necessary to break free of that power they have over you, so they can no longer touch you, no matter what they do.  My purpose now is to break that power.

Tracy and, possibly, Richard, who seems to have been recruited to this as well (along with one friend who was also recruited but is blocked from my Facebook now), have been playing games with my head for the past several weeks, but in such a subtle way as to make me look like the crazy one.

First, after reading all my blogs in (from what they said to me) narcissistic glee, they sent me a nasty e-mail that twisted the truth, denied their abuses and bullying, tried to turn everything around on me, and laughed at me for being upset about the things they did; they threatened to sue me if I went to my priest for help.

They know I don’t want them on this blog anymore since their purpose is malicious, so they found a way around my blocks and have been checking it constantly.  They know I don’t want to see them, so they’ve been putting themselves right where I can see them.

The purpose is to screw with my mind and take me down.  If everyone thinks I’m crazy, then I’m the one discredited, and they get away with what they did.  It is one massive mind screw.

So I have two choices: give in to the mind screw and let them take me down, or fight back by removing the power from them to do this.

Tracy has always been very competitive, playing her games–whether Risk, or online games, or the game she’s playing in your head–to win.  It’s not about you at all.  She has identified and is exploiting my vulnerabilities, which is what you do in war.

She obviously sees me as a threat, or else why would she do all this?  If you really think I’m so “not all there,” then just laugh and ignore my lunatic ravings.

My priest has told me not to check my blog stats for a while, even though it does serve a legitimate purpose of seeing if anyone (besides various bots, which are peskily numerous) is actually reading what I post, and even though bloggers typically want to know who’s reading.  But the purpose of fasting from the stats is to make Richard and Tracy vanish.

The narcissist central focus is control. The narcissist is interested in controlling emotions and fostering a sense of attachment to his victims even when he is no longer physically a part of their lives.

Mind games are essentially utilized to torture the victim and to take over the mental processes of the victim. This negation of thoughts and cogitation is fostered by keeping the victim attached to the narcissistic ex partner through inferences, drafting and keeping the victim connected to the situation that she desperately needs to overcome….

Do not allow the narcissist to exploit you and play games with your mind.  Do not permit someone to have dominion over your thoughts and your private moments.

They are yours; seize them now before it is too late. Get your control back but before you lose not just only a love interest but your sanity, pride and maybe your life. –Crystal Evans, Why the Narcissist Loves Mind Games

You have the option of knowing what he is up to and therefore not allowing yourself to be taken in by his games. The narcissist will prey on you only as long as you let him. —Tigress Luv, Narcissistic Mind Games

I know that, in my own experience, getting in touch with my feelings was the turning point. I started to explore my feelings, asking myself just exactly how this stuff was making me feel. I mean that I dug deep until I could put my finger on exactly HOW a thing made me feel.

Did it make me feel violated in some way? Did it make me feel like two cents waiting for change? And so on.

And then I zeroed in on why what the narc did made me feel that way.  Guess what? I discovered that all my feelings were perfectly natural and that I was just being normal and human for feeling that way.

I also saw that the narcissist was deliberately working to make me feel that way.  Needless to say, that changed everything. I was no longer easy prey. –Kathy Krajco, Examples of Narcissistic Behavior

Cyberbullying Research Summary: Emotional and Psychological Consequences

 

I Tell the Forum and Friends That Richard and Tracy Are Stalking Me

The post here includes an e-mail Richard and Tracy sent me in May 2012, which proves my belief that they are sociopaths.  In it you will see every sociopathic trait–including empty threats and false accusations–and maybe recognize e-mails you have received from your own sociopath.  You will see how they began their stalking campaign. 

This post was originally posted in May 2012.  I wrote it while a baby blogger, and added to it over a period of months, so it badly needed editing.  However, I struggled for a long time to look through this blog post again because of the presence of that e-mail and its tendency to trigger all sorts of emotional reactions: fear, pain, hurt, anguish, rage, etc.

But now I am finally able to do some proper editing, and re-post it.  I want to sticky it so new readers can see it, as I have been doing for months with my old posts. 

It is, however, extremely long, which would take me all night to edit and an hour for you to read, so I will re-post it in chunks.  I have divided the original post into several sections, which I will follow in the re-post.  If you want to see the entire original post, click here.  Now for Part 4.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Warning: The following contains venting of anger, to get it out of my heart and onto the page, to make the story authentic, and to show other victims of abuse that I feel your rage.

[Update 9/30/14: Immediately after I received this threatening e-mail, I posted on Facebook all about it and how Richard and Tracy were stalking me.  I was not going to keep this a secret, despite all their threats: I was going to tell all to everyone.

Anyone else who may doubt that these people are abusive bullies, and how they treated me, I can simply show them this e-mail as proof.

Of course, I had already posted on Facebook and written e-mails to my friends and family, describing what I went through and the abuses I witnessed from these two.

I had posted about Richard choking one of his kids, many months beforehand.  I had also told my priest about it.

This was so I could get their support as I struggled to process, grieve and deal with the emotionally and spiritually traumatic fallout of Richard and Tracy’s abuses. 

Now I merely needed to update everyone with the latest crazy, manipulative and abusive actions of these two against me. 

And I was flooded with support and outrage over what these two were doing.

People kept questioning what the policeman said, thinking there must be some way to get these people into jail immediately for stalking.  But with the state’s weak laws, my hands were tied without more evidence. 

Even my spiritual friend from church, wanted Richard in jail.

A couple of friends at church had known for several months about how Richard and Tracy had bullied me and that they were also violent.  I had needed spiritual support from them, as I tried to process all the pain and anger, while struggling with the Church’s words on forgiveness.  So sometime during winter 2011/2012, I told them all about it.

Now these church friends read my posts on Facebook, and also my private messages about it, so they could be there for me as Richard and Tracy stalked me at church. 

I told Todd.  I told all my friends, local and far-off, and my family.  I had reconnected with some old Fond du Lac friends through Facebook, so they read about it as well.

Richard and Tracy tried to poison the well by complaining to my priest about me.  But I had my husband there with me as I told the priest the truth, backing me up and giving his own account of things that happened.  So I was not alone, and my priest showed no signs of believing them. 

In fact, one day, when Richard and Tracy were there–

–and after I told my priest how they were continuing to stalk me online and frighten me, and told him about their history of abuse and showed him Richard’s criminal record–

–he gave an unusually harsh sermon about how we (i.e., everyone in the congregation) should “stop poking each other.”  Richard and Tracy never showed up at my church again after that.

The support of my friends and family through all this was immeasurable.  And I wanted to warn my local friends in case they encountered Richard or Tracy.

Months earlier, in September 2011, I posted on Facebook about Richard choking his child, expressing all my fury and disgust to my friends, and calling him a liar. 

Todd told the web Forum where we all used to congregate, that their old Forum-ite Richard was a f**king scumbag. 

In a private section of the Forum, visible only to members and not to the public, Todd posted links to information which had been posted online by the newspaper and the state, describing the case.

When I re-joined the Forum after a long absence, shortly after he started this thread, I discovered it, and confirmed Todd’s story.  I also described the many abuses I had suffered from Richard and Tracy, along with Tracy’s abuses of Richard and the children.

Todd confirmed that Tracy showed all the signs of borderline personality disorder, and he told me that she and her mother both have it–and multiple personality disorder was in the mix as well, at least for her mother, possibly for both.

And that proved to me that her rages and criticisms of me were the product of mental illness, and had NOTHING whatsoever to do with me.  I posted on Facebook on September 24, 2011:

For the first time in nearly four years, I’m finally free: I was dealing with someone who really got into my head and twisted it around.

For nearly four years, I was made to feel like everything wrong was my fault.  I was wrong, I had to change, or I’d be punished.  Even if you resist, they can still get to you.

But now I discover that what I suspected and have been researching for the past year was probably true: a personality disorder.  Meaning, it’s nothing I did; it’s all in her head.

So I’m ejecting her from my head and no longer care what she thinks of me.

[Note: I think I actually wrote “mental illness” instead of “personality disorder.”  I may have edited the post later on.]

Richard and Tracy had made enemies on the Forum, especially after they found out Richard was the one who hacked the Forum in 2008, turned it into a Hello Kitty theme, and locked out Todd. 

The Forum is small, but has a loyal core who were rather upset about this.  Despite re-friending Todd and going back on the Forum in 2010 for a bit, Richard never owned up to this.

Neither Richard nor Tracy had been on the Forum for maybe a couple of years.

As one of the Forum-ites told Todd when he first told them in September 2011 about the choking incident and the hacking, “Richard always was an a**hole, but you were his friend and didn’t notice.”  They agreed that Richard seemed to be a narcissist.

In May 2012, I wrote on the Forum that Richard and Tracy were stalking me.  In July, I also posted there the e-mail which Richard and Tracy sent me.

The whole Forum rallied around me.  But I wanted their help and validation, not vengeance.

One of our mutual friends, after a long absence from the Forum, saw the thread, asked for proof of the choking incident, and got it.  He was convinced.

The belief, validation and support of my fellow Forum-ites–even mutual friends–was a huge part of my healing.  It helped that they had also seen signs of narcissistic, crazy behavior from Richard and/or Tracy.

It helped immensely that Todd had been through the same thing I had, different circumstances, but same people and same behaviors. 

He, too, had been raged at by Tracy over a misunderstanding, then smeared by Tracy, which separated him from his BFF Richard, who then turned against him. 

In reviewing what happened to Todd, I identified all sorts of things which Tracy also did to me.

This proved to me that I was not crazy or imagining it, despite what Richard and/or Tracy wrote in the e-mail.

THIS SHOWS THAT YOU SHOULD NOT GIVE IN WHEN YOUR ABUSER TELLS YOU NOT TO TELL ABOUT THE ABUSE!  You need the support of your friends and family!

The following section was clipped and pasted from what I wrote on the Forum in July 2012 after posting and re-reading the e-mail, which I had not read since the first time in May: ]

When I first clipped and pasted that e-mail [onto the Forum thread], I couldn’t actually read it again, and was going by memory of what they said.  It was hard going over that e-mail again.

I hadn’t looked at it since I first saw it, because it was too painful.  But today I felt I had to, to make sure I’m not going totally off what they actually said.

I see it’s even more ludicrous than I remembered:

Their accusations of me are based on nothing.

These supposed “threats” that I’m trying to push them out of the faith and community–false!

Talking about conceding to demands etc.–HUH?  What, it’s somehow a threat for me to keep up blogs which do not give real names?

What “threats to expose” them if they don’t “concede” to my “demands”?  Where the heck did they even get that from? 

The only “demand” I made was to stay away from me unless they were to apologize! 

Apparently their quick reads through my posts (as shown by Google Analytics), affected their reading comprehension.

The lack of concern for the fact that when I see them I feel upset and nervous and shaky, and deliberately planning to come more often than they already intended, because they know this–cruel and narcissistic.

The use of words like “our Lord” and “mysteries” in the midst of a vicious, sadistic attack–hypocritical.

[9/30/14: I now LOL at how understated the word “hypocritical” is.  Some stronger words would be “sanctimonious,” “Pharisee,” “whited sepulchre,” “deceiver,” “imposter.”  “Our Lord”?  What do THEY have to do with him?  Or were they referring to Satan?]

And they’ve been going to the other church 40 minutes away for the past four years, including the two years we were friends, and have only come to mine a handful of times–

–despite being poor, despite work schedules, despite an unreliable junkheap of a car, despite long periods of unemployment and even more expensive gas, despite church schedules, despite the fact that for half that time we were friends and I would have welcomed them.

They came to my church three times after the breakup, which is far more often than they came before the breakup.

Obviously, those three times they were not respecting my pain, so how can I believe they were respecting my pain at all, especially when this e-mail is the response I got to expressing my pain?

But now that I say I don’t want to see them there at all, not even rarely, they decide they’re going to come all the time?

Hubby and I both call BS on their claims that they planned this before reading my blog, or that they were respecting my feelings at all before.

My supposed threats of “going public” to the church and community–excuse me, WHAT?  I’ve gone through the posts I made directly to them, and just scratch my head at where they got this.

The only thing I can think of is, as I quoted elsewhere, I wrote in one of my old blogs that if our churches merged I was going to take my concerns, including Richard’s criminal case and Tracy’s abuses of me, to the priest, to get his counsel and help.  I had no intentions–as I also stated elsewhere–to spread it around the church.

And the community?  Where the heck did they get THAT from?  I tell only close friends and family who they are; my public accounts have changed names.  I had zero intentions of spreading it around the [Fond du Lac] community.

And getting down to the real point–They accuse me of accusing an “innocent” person etc. etc.  INNOCENT?  Innocent of WHAT?  There are no lies in my accounts!

It’s just–This is so much proof of what I thought all along, that they are gaslighters, that they’re narcissists and possibly borderline [personality disorder]….

They can behave in vicious and cruel ways and then say they’ve done nothing wrong and accuse you of lying when you say so.

I remember so many times, first Richard told me all sorts of things Tracy was doing that were verbally and/or physically abusive, while he was staying here by himself.  Then when she moved in, I saw them all for myself, with my own eyes and ears.

Everything I wrote down in my accounts, I witnessed or Richard told me.  But when I told Richard about my concerns, he minimized everything she was doing, talked as if she weren’t doing any of it.  Then later on, he’d tell me (and, sometimes, Jeff) about more abusive things she was doing.  I felt gaslighted even back then.

Then he sent me an e-mail describing things she was doing, and a follow-up phone call with more info, and it was even worse than anything I had seen: She wasn’t just slapping him on the arm like I saw, but punching him.

Richard himself TOLD me this.  He TOLD me so much that apparently they’re denying now.  It’s just so hard to believe that they can pull all this crap and then accuse me of falsely accusing Tracy, and think that I’m somehow going to buy it.

And then–They say they owe me nothing?

What, so they manipulate me, bully me, abuse and take advantage of my hospitality, take my money, eat my food, live in my house at great financial and household strain to me, take all the things I ever gave to them to help them out, verbally tear me to shreds over a misunderstanding, and leave me a quivering, broken mess, and they owe me NOTHING? did NOTHING WRONG?

They treat me like it’s just something I have to get over, accuse me of not being all there?  OH–those [email protected]$*&^%s and @$$#)*$s……

To be continued.

 

And wave to the stalkers….

It’s almost become a game: Will the stalkers come today?  What will they read?  Will they show any interest at all in my posts about NVLD or my college memoirs or the rich variety of my childhood stories or anything?  Posts which are generating quite a bit of hits just in the past couple of days?

Uh–nope.  All they’re interested in is themselves and what they think might be about them.  Which is probably how they were before, too, but I didn’t realize it at the time.

Their computers and cell phones were blocked from coming here, but they’re using an RSS feed with a proxy server to check my blog.  When I check the dynamic IPs with http://whatismyipaddress.com/, I get, “We are confident this IP address is the public IP address of a proxy server.”

They sure are persistent, sure are interested in reading my blog.  Why?  I wouldn’t want to read their blogs, if they had any.  They’ve already read what I think about them and what they did; why do they keep coming back for more?

[Update 6/3/14:]  IP addresses are each computer’s unique numerical address on the Web.  The more I learned about IPs, RSS feeds and blogs etc., I discovered that their AT&T cell phone naturally used a proxy server.

Yes, they were using an RSS feed, which I confirmed based on various records, but the RSS feed was not the reason I couldn’t block them.

The problem was that Blogger blocking power is limited to Toolator, which does not work for dynamic IPs unless you upgrade your account.  But upgrading your account has been impossible for some time, as the owner of Toolator has gone missing (while still taking your money).

To my amusement, after my stalkers got new cell phones/providers and I got a new phone which could surf the Net using AT&T, my own IPs began showing up exactly the same as theirs used to, with the exact same octets.  But they had new IPs now.

Switching to a self-hosted Wordpress blog also finally gave me the ability to block them no matter what kind of IP they use.  So now I block and unblock them at will, which is fun.

 

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