blogging

Why I Blog About My Depression–Even While Watched by the Ones Who Caused It (My Blog Stalkers)

My blog stalkers seem to have backed off on their threats some time ago, though they still show an avid interest in what I write.  I’m not real sure why they’re so interested.

But I don’t want to restrict what I write just because they’re watching: Where is the catharsis in that?

No, I can, instead, hope that somewhere along the way, I may be getting through to at least one of them.  And in the meantime, it is actually reassuring to know that I’m not “talking behind their backs.”  No, I want them to see it, too.

What I went through was a very traumatizing experience, being caught up in somebody else’s abusive marriage, and then chewed up and spit out because of it, catching quite a bit of abuse myself along the way, shattering my trust in the good nature of people in general and shattering my faith in God.  (The story is here.)  And such trauma does not resolve itself overnight.

My blog is for venting, a safe place to go where people don’t feel they have to come up with something to say or comfort me, where I don’t hear people’s trite little phrases that do nothing to help, but only hinder the victim’s healing, as the victim starts thinking, “What’s wrong with me?”

Nothing’s wrong with you: You just have a lot of work to do and there’s no magic pill (except maybe Prozac) to fix it.

When discussing with colleagues this idea of “blogging as therapy,” a common reply was that this really is nothing new. For as long as people have been writing, they have used it as a form of cathartic self-expression. Personal diaries and journals are a good example.

Psychologists and other mental health professionals also have long noted the value of “bibliotherapy” in which people specifically use writing exercises to address and resolve problems in their lives, or simply to enhance their personal growth.

But there’s an important difference between blogs and bibliotherapeutic writing. Blog communities actually combine features of personal journaling and support groups.

People write to express themselves and their problems, but they also read and react to others who are doing the same. The blog enables much more social interaction than a diary, which traditionally is a strictly private, self-reflective affair. –John Suler, Blogs as Therapy

It’s true.  I should probably be less concerned about what I write and how people might perceive it.  Nobody has to read every single post.  Most people just read one or two that fit with their keyword search.  Even my blog stalkers don’t read every single post.

No, this is not just therapy, something to lock up in a diary and put in a drawer.  I didn’t want to just leave my story in a drawer, any more than I wanted to leave my college memories sitting in private journals.

No, it’s a chronicle of pain, depression and clawing one’s way out of it, the good days and the bad.  And as such it may have use for others, just as I use the blogs of others who have dealt with abuse and narcissists.

I think I hamstring myself and my healing when I think too much about whether or not I should post something.  Even my bad days could be of value to others.

By allowing writing to be a cathartic act, you are taking the first step to better introspection.

Posting this writing in a blog, knowing people will read your words and react to them helps you get past your own judgments and work towards better self-awareness.

Blogging is one way to ease up on yourself, not be so harsh on your shortcomings, and instead see them in a more objective light.

Blogging can be a truly revolutionary act, because it can allow you to better know yourself.

Blogging has become popular because it has allowed many people to work through their problems through the written word in a public forum. –Nicole Beck, Why We Love to Blog: Blogging as Therapy

In the abuse blogs, one blogger–mulderfan–says her therapist recommended she blog about her experiences.

Blogging Seen as Good Therapy

[Update 8/24/14:]

As written by Brighter Than Before,

One of the purposes of writing this blog has been to document my recovery, and to recognise the ups and the downs.

I’ve tried my hardest to write honestly and openly, and while this has been made more difficult by the knowledge that [my abuser] reads my blog, I have tried to put that fact out of my mind and move forward on my own terms.

I’d be lying if I said it had no impact- who really wants to share their struggles and vulnerabilities with their abuser? But regardless, I have made up my mind to continue to do what I set out to do.

 

Blogging as Therapy for the Abused/Bullied: Beginning to Heal from Richard/Tracy Stuff

Oddly enough, my blog stalkers finding this blog seems to have been a blessing in disguise.  For two years, I wanted so badly to tell them how I felt, how badly they’d treated my husband and me, that it was bullying and abuse, that I did not deserve this after all the kindness I’d shown and how much I’d put up with from them, etc. etc.–and Richard just how badly I missed him just the same.

But I felt there was no way I could do it safely, without getting beaten up or worse.  I didn’t know if I could trust mutual friends, and didn’t want to tell them all the gory details, or who I meant, fearing they wouldn’t want to hear it anyway.  You know how mutual friends tend to not want to get involved.

And my own friends/family did not know them, and could not do a thing to help, could not intervene.  They also had no clue what it was like to deal with traumas of this sort, without resorting to trite cliches that did nothing but make me feel at fault for having emotions, for not being able to turn them off at will.

Through blogging I could lay everything out, from beginning to end, without boring or annoying my loved ones.  Only those who really wanted to would read it; no one would feel they “had” to.

If anyone did read it, I expected it would be people who had been in my shoes and wanted the validation and comfort of reading that others have been there, too.

(That’s how I felt when I found Joyful Alive Woman’s blog about her narcissistic best friend, especially since such stories were much harder to find than stories about narc family/spouses.)

Sure enough, this blog has been such an outlet that I no longer post much of anything about it on Facebook, or talk about it at home.

I also missed running home after services and writing Richard an e-mail about all the things happening at church, since we went to different ones.

Nobody else could appreciate it from the same vantage point he had, being from a similar background and having seen me through the conversion.  I’d sit at my table while everyone was leaving to go home, feeling sad that I couldn’t tell him what had just happened.

But now I seem to have Richard and/or Tracy’s rapt attention.  Whatever I write, whether it’s the next day or a week later, unless they have no interest in the topic of a post, they read.

I have four trackers going, and glean all the information I need, to know when and what they read.  I have found all sorts of codes for IP blockers and could now conceivably block them, but decided to just open it up and let them read it all without worrying anymore.

Now, I just let it all out.  It’s my chance.  All they have to do is say, “I’m sick of reading this,” and ignore it all completely.  But they don’t.  Nobody’s forcing them to read, but they choose to keep coming back.

Since I have their attention, sometimes I rant, sometimes I rave, sometimes I mourn, sometimes I ponder.

Because, no matter how much all people take their problems to their friends, family, and whoever, what we really want to do–what is truly satisfying–is to take the problem directly to the source and tell them what a complete a**hole they’ve been.

Though, of course, if you want to keep the relationship, you do it more civilly and tactfully….

If they choose to ignore the truth and not work on how they treat people, if they choose to continue bullying me rather than repenting and making peace, it’s their salvation at stake.  They have to make that choice; I can’t choose it for them.

But I have told them what they’ve done, so it’s on their hands what they do with it, not mine.  They themselves have admitted to losing other friends besides me, because those friends couldn’t handle Tracy anymore.

If they want to keep losing friends, that’s their choice.  But they can’t keep blaming those friends for feeling traumatized, angry and/or damaged.

I finally get to say what I really feel about politics without fear I’ll lose my friend, because, well, that happened already anyway.  I even find it oddly satisfying that I can post about my church happenings and he’ll read it again…..

I know it keeps me connected to him, and that’s dangerous emotionally.  I know he’s shown every sign of not being the friend I thought he was, of me being duped with the gullibility and naivete that have served me ill time and time again throughout my life.

But sometimes I dare to hope that he still cares.  I don’t know what he’ll do with the outpourings of my heart, if it’ll lead to good or if he’ll rip my heart out again and twist and squeeze it until it turns to dust, like the Evil Queen does to hearts on Once Upon a Time.  All I do know is that I know it’s dangerous, and that I do it anyway, so I own it.

And another thing is, I finally had a chance to stand up to my bullies.  I told them to leave me alone, gave them the terms if they ever wanted to speak to me again.

I told them they were bullies.  I did not hide in a corner, afraid to tell, but told my husband, friends, family, the police and priest what was going on.

Actually, except for the police I had already told all these people two years ago what had happened before, but now there were more things to tell.

The blog stalkers knew I told my priest, seeing me go up there after they did; the policeman told me that I’m doing nothing illegal and they can’t sue me for talking to my priest.

Their threats are baseless; they would get laughed out of court, and fined for wasting the court’s time.  At first I felt scared and intimidated, but over time I gained strength to stand up for myself and not let them scare me.  I’d been scared for far too long already, and that’s just what a bully wants.

My anthem has been “Bully” by Shinedown.  Telling about how you’ve been abused and bullied is crucial, because abuse thrives in silence, in the shadows.  Telling takes you from being a victim to surviving, to eventually thriving.

It may even save you from worse, because if the bully carries out his threats, everyone will know who did it, and he knows this.  If you’re threatened with physical violence, tell the police.

Many of my blogs these days basically go into more minute detail on some topic I already covered in my stories of what all happened, so it’s not as if they’re reading anything new, but it’s for people who want to read about those specific topics in general.

Like the other day, when I saw in my stats that somebody in a library in some other state, read my page on abuse against husbands.  Based on the search term, I bet that was an abused husband looking for help, using a library so his wife wouldn’t find out.  It warmed my heart to think that I might be helping this man.

I’m so driven by the topic of abuse of all kinds, and wanting to stop it, that one of my oldest friends keeps urging me to turn it into a profession.

I’ve long since written off Tracy as a lost cause, and don’t want her back.  But if there is any way at all to break through Richard’s hard heart, I know I have tried it.  I know I have said all I needed to say to them both.  And while I still have moments when the anger flares up, I feel the angst starting to depart…..

I went back to Prozac Blogger’s blog the other day, and found an announcement that he has finally healed from his father’s abuses, that while he’ll keep the blog online for others who need it, he’s doing a new one on happier topics.

I also discovered a few posts a few months ago about directly confronting his father and cutting him out of his life–that he has “won.”  (“I Won! or: How I dealt with my father,” which I can no longer find, even in the Wayback Machine.  😛  ) Gee, could there be a correlation…..

So what festered for two (really, four, because there were so many things Tracy did back then and never apologized for) years in my head, I’ve spent the last six months finally getting out to the ones who put it there.

It’s like when I told my husband a dream I’d had, and he interpreted it as, me wanting to tell them to take their crap back.  Many people warn against confronting abusers, legitimately because it can be very dangerous.  But even so, it can be healing, so many others say go ahead and do it.

It’s just like when, in the past several years, I read over the copies of some letters I’d sent to abusive exes, and discovered that even if I did not then have all the knowledge I now have of abuse, I still confronted them with everything I needed to say.

Even though they reacted badly, I had this proof that it had been done, which suddenly released me from the feeling of unfinished business.  Since I had directly confronted the abusers, rather than just writing their actions into stories, journals, letters and forums–all forms of communication which were to others, not the abusers–I could feel peace at last.

Though I could still do the other forms as well, the chief need had been fulfilled.

….How odd.  It looks like, yesterday, unless somebody else is now matching their domain stats in one of my trackers, which is highly unlikely because nobody else ever has, they found my Mammoth Cave page through a Google search….Did they even realize it was mine?

[Update 7/26/14: In those days, my stalkers were the only ones showing up in my Google Analytics with the Network “mcore.”  This seems to be AT&T’s mobile core network.  Through a new category added to Analytics recently, the “User Bucket,” I was finally able to discover whether this reader of “Mammoth Cave” was my stalkers.  No, it was not.  But all other hits from “mcore” were my stalkers.]

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that’s all right because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie  Rihanna/Eminem, “Love the Way You Lie”

I’ve pulled some quotes from the Net about blogging used as therapy, an intensely popular pastime this past decade:

Research has long backed the therapeutic value of diary-keeping for teenage girls and boys. But according to a new study, when teenagers detail their woes onto a blog, the therapeutic value is even greater. Blogging, it seems, can be good for you.

The study, published in the journal Psychological Services and conducted by Meyran Boniel-Nissim and Azy Barak, psychology professors at the University of Haifa, Israel, found the engagement with an online community allowed by the blog format made it more effective in relieving the writer’s social distress than a private diary would be….

In all the groups, the greatest improvement in mood occurred among those bloggers who wrote about their problems and allowed commenters to respond. –Pamela Paul, A Blog as Therapy for Teenagers

Self-medication may be the reason the blogosphere has taken off. Scientists (and writers) have long known about the therapeutic benefits of writing about personal experiences, thoughts and feelings.

But besides serving as a stress-coping mechanism, expressive writing produces many physiological benefits. Research shows that it improves memory and sleep, boosts immune cell activity and reduces viral load in AIDS patients, and even speeds healing after surgery….

Unlike a bedside journal, blogging offers the added benefit of receptive readers in similar situations, Morgan explains: “Individuals are connecting to one another and witnessing each other’s expressions—the basis for forming a community.” –Jessica Wapner, Blogging–It’s Good For You

When a 24-year-old woman who called herself “90DayJane” launched a blog in February announcing she would write about her life and feelings for three months and then commit suicide, 150,000 readers flocked to the site….

Few, however, questioned why she would share her deepest thoughts and feelings with strangers online. In the age of cyber-voyeurism, the better question might be: Why wouldn’t she?

…Roughly 12 million Americans have blogs, according to polls by the Pew Internet and American Life Project in 2006, and many seem to use them as a form of group therapy….

Writing long has been considered a therapeutic outlet for people facing problems. A 2003 British Psychological Society study of 36 people suggested that writing about emotions could even speed the healing of physical wounds:

Researchers found that small wounds healed more quickly in those who wrote about traumatic personal events than in those who wrote about mundane activities.

But it’s the public nature of blogs that creates the sense of support.  Reading someone else’s blog can be surprisingly beneficial….

“Blogging can create an instant support system, especially at a time when you might not have the energy or resources to seek out people who’ve shared your experiences,” says Mason, author of “No One Cares What You Had For Lunch,” a book on keeping a blog interesting. –Anna Jane Grossman, Your Blog Can Be Group Therapy

Some people have all the time in the world to have therapy sessions to talk about their feelings with a shrink who constantly asks about their “mommy” or “daddy issues”. Don’t get me wrong, I believe psychiatrists help a great deal in solving serious problems that their clients have.

However, everything does not require a professional to solve problems that persist in our lives. We sometimes just need to let it all out, whatever it is that bothers us.

Here’s something you can actually do to air out your issues – blog.

What I have learned from blogging is that it gives you time to reflect on the things you are writing down, giving you a clearer perspective on the real underlying issue. –Margaret Keely, How Blogging Can Serve as Therapy

The Internet is now teeming with some 15 million blogs. Although the medium first drew mainstream attention with commentary on high-profile events such as the presidential election, many now use it to chronicle intensely personal experiences, venting confessions in front of millions of strangers who can write back.

Nearly half of bloggers consider it a form of therapy, according to a recent survey sponsored by America Online Inc….

“I think it’s a way of validating feelings. It’s a way of purging things inside of you,” said Judith HeartSong, a 41-year-old Rockville artist.

As a child, she kept diaries filled with anguished accounts of abuse hidden under her bed, she said, but now she posts entries on the Web. –Yuki Noguchi, Cyber-Catharsis: Bloggers Use Websites as Therapy

David Sax once joked that I use my blog as cheap therapy. He was right. I use this space to unload all the angst, worry and pent up emotions from my life in the restaurant. From my personal life too.

It feels good. More than once I’d be tossing and turning in bed only to find relief at my keyboard. Not like that. Well, yeah, like that and by blogging too. –Zane Caplansky, Blogging as Cheap Therapy

One woman’s fight to divorce her narcissistic husband, here on a blog.

“Through sharing my personal battles in the California Family Court System, I have created a support group for thousands of women to share their stories and receive advice,“ states Tina Swithin, creator and founder of One Mom’s Battle blog and Facebook page.

Like most independent bloggers, Tina began writing without an audience, a clear direction, or an understanding of her potential impact:

“I began my blog for personal reasons. It was a way for me to purge the emotions and stress resulting from a horrendous, high-conflict divorce. I was tired of burdening my friends and family with my fears, vents and frustrations, and I sensed that they were equally tired of hearing about it.

What started as a simple online journal has turned into something healing, empowering, and sometimes overwhelming in a positive sense. To date, I have had almost 150,000 views on my blog and the numbers grow every day.” –Paula Carrasquillo, Can Facebook help us heal? | Washington Times Communities

 

For Fellow Bloggers of Abuse/Narcissistic Experiences: Dealing with Gaslighting Legal Threats

Please note: This is a diary on my recovery from abuse/stalking, and NOT legal advice.

My blog stalkers twisted my words into threats I never made, and then used those imaginary threats as justification to threaten me with legal action.  (See Now I’m Being Stalked, where you can read about this, my dissection of the e-mail, and the full text of their e-mail.)

I looked through all my posts but could find nothing to back up their claims that I threatened to expose them to the local community and/or church.

(Just a note in one blog, not addressed to them, that I hoped they would move away so I wouldn’t have to see them around anymore, and a note in another blog, not addressed to them, that if their church merged with mine, I would have to go to the priest for help, for my own physical, emotional and spiritual safety.)

It was a documented example of gaslighting:

Twisting your words and managing to turn things around to use them against you is a ploy of the verbal abuser. —A Checklist of Verbal Abuse | eHow.com

But I reviewed all my posts and could find nothing to justify their threats, I have tons of documentation, and I am an eye-witness of, or got directly from my blog stalkers, practically everything I wrote….

It also went against something I wrote in one blog, that I had no intention of spreading around the church the story of what they had done.

My blogs were merely about personal release of metaphorical demons, and I had no intentions of revealing their real names on here or somehow publishing them to the whole local community.

(And how on earth I was supposed to do so, I have no idea.  Take out an ad in the paper, perhaps?  As if such an ad would even be run!  Pass out fliers?  Go door-to-door?  If they mean talking to my local friends–they can’t stop a person from confiding in friends.)

Their e-mail was so ludicrous, paranoid, absurd and revealing as to be laughable.  It gave me concrete evidence of their abuse, self-centeredness and vindictiveness, so I’m holding onto it.

It even gave me concrete evidence that they just used us for our generosity, and were never true friends.

And I’m not the only one who’s been through this.  [Update: There was a link here to a blog post by Upsi called “Buzz Off.”  But she has removed her blog, so I removed the link.]

There is an extensive blogging community who write about their experiences with abuse, narcissism, borderline and other Cluster B personality disorders.

I have looked over countless such blogs, and it is the normal way of things to describe your experiences, in however much detail you like.

Some people use their real names, but most use pseudonyms and fake names or “titles” for the people in their blogs, such as “NM” for “narcissistic mother.”

Oftentimes the blogs are found by the people described.  Sometimes these people get upset, but don’t do much except be nuisances by leaving nasty comments or sending complaining e-mails denying the truth of the blogs.

But I have come across various cases of bloggers being threatened with legal action.  One narcissism blogger wrote this very helpful post for fellow bloggers, Airing the Family Laundry: Libel, Slander and Defamation of Character.  I’m reblogging this for all such bloggers who might happen upon my blog.  Some quotes:

“…context matters: courts have held that given the nature of online forums, online comments cannot be taken as seriously as those made in real life or in the media. Because of these requirements, bringing a claim for internet libel is a challenge.” —the Legality ….

I read several articles in preparation for this post and most of them suggested it was ill-mannered and probably not-very-wise to write about family and friends.

However, in context of the recovery community, personal narrative and disclosure are de rigueur. Readers expect a certain type of blog when reading about narcissism.

We don’t expect love stories—unless the blog is seriously pathological and merits being flagged as inappropriately ludicrous like Chicken Soup for the Soul-less or something.

We expect bloggers to write from the gut, interspersing emotion-laden anecdotes, not clinical appendages suitable for publication in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

We expect to see a cooperative blog where people share their troubles with one another; i.e.: airing out the family linen together.

On blogs like mine, self-disclosure is i-m-p-e-r-a-t-i-v-e. Bloggers connect the dots between past and present which will, if we are doing our recovery work, focus on family dynamics.

Bloggers write about sensitive topics such as: family patterns and dysfunctional behaviors; internalized beliefs and assumptions; distinctions between normal and pathological behavior; traumatic events; intimate details in relationships; our thoughts, behaviors and reactions to other people’s thoughts, behaviors and reactions; and never forget: the armchair diagnosis based on accessible information about pathology.

We do not expect bloggers to be professional psychologists so whatever diagnosis bloggers have determined best fits, is not libelous. It’s opinion.

…Don’t let the fear that you ‘might’ be sued stand in the way of speaking your truth.

I would imagine that more than one blogger writing about narcissism has been warned—finger in the blogger’s nose—that should she write even ONE WORD disparaging the narcissist’s most excellent reputation and untarnished character, that she would be sued into the netherworld of Hell.

And yet, here we are—still blogging, still learning, still fighting for healthier relationships by opening the doors on dysfunction…whether people like being written about or not.

The chances that you will be sued are slim-to-none if you follow Good Faith practices protecting your anonymity.

If you’re the one being unjustly written about, be careful reading websites sponsored by ambulance-chasing attorneys who’ll feed your greed and your desire for revenge.

You’re better off toughening your own thin-skin and keeping the narcissist away from your blog, than you are engaging in litigation that could cost thousands of dollars and a decade of your life.

And what for? So you could tell the narcissist she was a scuz? So you could stick it to the person who said you were scuzzy?

I am preaching to myself as much as anyone because it isn’t easy defending people’s right to free speech when you’re seriously butthurt from something they said or wrote about you.

….Cyberspace is most definitely a new world from the print-world I grew up in when the printed word (newspapers and magazines) was the only source of information.

Retractions for false information couldn’t be edited at a moment’s notice and people had no voice for opposition if they didn’t own a printing press.

Libel suits were integral to a fair and just society because reputations could be ruined and financial losses irreparable by the time a retraction could be published.

This is not our reality today. Our first action ought be contacting the author. Working things out. Resolving our differences. Not hiring an attorney.

…I hope my blog inspires an army of ACoNs [Adult Children of Narcissists] to start writing since nearly every person who does, discovers a power within they didn’t realize they had.

Writing puts things into perspective and for some of us: restores our SANITY.

I was thinking about the ACoN community and why blogging is so important. If you ever attended 12-step meetings, you’ve likely heard the cliche: “Your head is a bad neighborhood to visit alone.”

Talking with other people interrupts unhealthy rumination and even obsessiveness. That’s been my experience and believe you me, I know a lot about obsessiveness. ha!

… Where do you go to talk about dysfunction and narcissism? If you join your local quilting group and start talking about patriarchal abuse, they’ll stick you with their needles and sew your mouth shut. I mean seriously, who are you going to talk with?

A lot of people have the resources and the time to spend years in therapy. Some of us don’t have extra cash for that and our insurance policies won’t pay for it anyway.

To just sit in our ‘shit’ and let it fester rather than working through our issues with people who don’t shame, blame and “sue” us for defamation, perpetuates dysfunction.

We start out with unhealthy behaviors and if left uncorrected, those behaviors turn into traits and pretty soon, you’re the lonely old cat lady shooting passersby and muttering to yourself.

The last two paragraphs were in response to a comment that there are no support groups in real life for victims of narcissists and Cluster Bs, so this is why we turn to blogging.

My comments are turned off because my narcissists found my blog.  But just writing my story, and occasionally commenting on other narcissist/abuse blogs, and reading their similar experiences, has been very helpful.

These are people who understand because they’ve been there, and don’t judge you.  They don’t give you pat answers like, “just let it go,” because they know that the only way to move on is to face the problem head-on and work through the pain and anger.

The biggest words to keep in mind are, of course, “falsely” and “knowingly.”  You have to be deliberately writing things you know to be false, for it to be libel.

I steer clear of such behavior, having always had an innate sense of honesty.  Whatever I write, I have reason to believe to be true.

Using real names is also a big no-no in most cases.

So avoid both and may your blogging lead you to emotional health.  Your blog gives you a voice, something which you may have been denied–as I was–in dealing with your narcs/Cluster Bs/abusers.

I don’t even care anymore when I see my blog stalkers in the stats.  I know it’s them because of telltale signs, such as IP addresses and other things I won’t go into publicly.  I no longer worry about them.  When I see them in my stats, I go, “Oh, there you are.  I missed you!  Where were you?”

Here’s an example of not letting the bullies intimidate you–even at the risk of your own life: Pakistani Girls Walk in Shoes of Young Activist (the one who was shot by the Taliban).

[Update 11/10/12:] Another blogger who’s been threatened with a lawsuit, this time blogging about a narcissistic ex-husband, but it went nowhere:

The bottom line– he saw my blog and wants it removed.  He wants the custody orders changed and is throwing out words like “defamation” and “slander”.

He threw out accusations of Parental Alienation Syndrome which is the furthest thing from the truth.  He is a bully and he is trying to intimidate me. –Tina Swithin, Intimidation Tactics

After receiving the paperwork yesterday with his request for an emergency hearing, I spoke to many knowledgeable people.  Professional bloggers and people with a background in law.

I was assured that I was in compliance since I haven’t publicly named him. —Hearing Request: Denied

 

You Don’t Have to Dance for Them: The Beauty of Blogging

Upsi, who runs a blog about her experiences with her narcissistic family, ended up much in the same boat as I am when her family found her blog.  I find comfort in reading about this, as she tried to go no contact but her family kept trying to argue with her over how they were portrayed.

From You Don’t Have to Dance for Them: The Beauty of Blogging:

When I started this blog, I was a girl with a story.  I wanted to tell it for people who might be interested.  I wanted to be anonymous, to protect the “real lives” of all involved.

When NM found the blog, it changed.  It had to, because of the nature of the story.  She FOUND it…..

 

This Blog is No Longer Safe.

[Update 2/15/14: This was posted May 21, 2012.  I only “scrubbed” my blog temporarily; a short time later, I put it all back up again.]

I’ve scrubbed what I can.  This is no longer a safe place to blog about certain bullying experiences.  Yes, I have every right to blog about my personal experiences, and I’m doing this anonymously, leaving out various identifiers–to protect the bullies, of all people.

See Prozac Blogger’s “Why are we the ones that hide the truth?” for a discussion of the irony of using anonymity to protect not just us, but the ones who bullied/abused us):

Why do we have to keep everything a secret?  Why are our ‘secrets’ considered embarrassing? Why are we protecting our abusers? What’s wrong with a good ol’ public hanging?

…Nowadays everything happens behind closed doors. And on top of that, victims aren’t supposed to talk about it. …Why are we being judged for what others did to us?

But the bullies have been here, read what I posted to them, have read practically everything, and keep coming back.

I think they want to intimidate me into silence.

They refuse to admit what they’ve done is wrong.  They don’t care that their actions have led me into doubting the very existence of God.

It goes to show you that there are abusers even in the Church.  There is no safe place to go without bullies.

But it’s just as well, because through this accident, I finally got the chance to say everything I had wanted to say to them, and hopefully won’t feel the need to vent about it anymore.

Though I say again to the bullies, Stay the F**K away from me until you’re ready to make peace.

In the meantime, anybody who wants to read about my abuse/bullying experiences, check out Life At Roanoke: My College Memoirs (Or, How NVLD Affected My Life).  It goes into great detail about abusers and narcissists I ran into in college, along with various funny anecdotes and other things.

Those memoirs have been up on my website since 2006, yet the abusers have never found them, to my knowledge.  Well, okay, one, “The Avenger,” but I kept it up anyway just to spite her.

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