Category: child abuse

About that new video of a Baltimore mom smacking up her son: white praise linked to oppression

What’s disturbing is how many people are calling this behavior “mom of the year.”  She’s screaming cuss words at her son and smacking him on the head, which causes brain trauma.

I would be okay with her getting angry and pulling him away, and certainly applaud her for going to get him.  I also understand that she is frightened and doesn’t want him to get killed.

But the cussing and the slapping are NOT okay.  Many people have noted that embarrassing her son on national television will only cause harm, and have given other means she could have used, such as talking to him, validating him, but telling him this is not the way.

We can understand WHY she did this, and sympathize, but we need to stop condoning such behavior.  We need to know there are other ways to raise children that WORK.

And let’s not excuse abuse because a parent was “under pressure.”  Abuse victims have heard all sorts of excuses, yet it traumatizes them anyway.  Don’t forsake the victim for the sake of “not judging” the abuser.

Also, when people say they “turned out okay” after such harsh, outmoded “parenting styles,” or even defend what their parents did, it sounds like Stockholm Syndrome.

Some have also noted that this video’s popularity demonstrates white America praising the beating-down of blacks.  See, for example, Joan Walsh’s The hideous white hypocrisy behind the Baltimore “Hero Mom” hype: How clueless media applause excuses police brutality

Also see Why is America celebrating the beating of a black child? by Stacey Patton, who demonstrates how praising this behavior is part of white supremacy and systematic oppression of blacks:

The kind of violent discipline Graham unleashed on her son did not originate with her, or with my adoptive mother who publicly beat me when I was a child, or with the legions of black parents who equate pain with protection and love.

The beatings originated with white supremacy, a history of cultural and physical violence that devalues black life at every turn. From slavery through Jim Crow, from the school-to-prison pipeline, the innocence and protection of black children has always been a dream deferred.

I see almost nothing in the comment section to Patton’s opinion piece except calling her an idiot and saying the mother’s actions are not abuse.

To that I say, YOU’VE GOTTA BE FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME!

WHAT THE HECK????!!!!!

Do we really still have THAT many abusers left in this country, who think that smacking a kid around is NOT abuse?

Obviously we still have TONS of work to do to get the word out!  THIS IS ABUSE!!!!

Also Sunn m’Cheaux:

This is about the utilization of her actions as propaganda by the very elements of society who created the conditions that led to her believing what she did was the best course of action. This is about the shameless hypocrisy of media that selectively demonizes the behavior of Blacks, depending on how said behavior fits into their agenda. This is about the fact that the media–including social media–is now more inclined to indoctrinate us with narratives than inform us of news. –Post here

Abuse leads to bad behavior, and does NOT stop it.  Yet in various comments people are complaining that “liberals” are somehow the problem if they see this as abuse.  Um, NO.  Obviously the complainers don’t understand that abuse at home does NOT create well-behaved kids.

My blog/website is FULL of pages against screaming at, cussing at and slapping kids.  It has become my mission to fight this, ever since I saw Tracy doing this kind of crap to her kids.  My most popular posts include “Slapping kids upside the head causes traumatic brain injury.”

She then turned around and became my worst nightmare, psychologically abusing me and trying to intimidate me in various ways, and now my cyberstalker, because I dared to say she’s an abuser.  She threatened to sue me if I went to my priest for mediation if she began coming to my church full-time.  Yet asking him for mediation was the only way I could handle it if she became my fellow parishioner, which was a real danger because her church has now closed.

I also unfriend anybody who says crap like, “Parents, beat your children.”  I’ve actually seen this in my Facebook newsfeed, and was absolutely appalled.

Yet now I find people praising behavior like this, saying the lack of screaming/cussing/smacking around kids is why this country is so screwed up, and calling the woman in this video “mom of the year,” and complaining that “idiot liberals” are probably going to sic CPS on her.

(Yet spanking is still done by the majority, so that kid you see acting up, is probably spanked at home.  And my generation got spanked plenty, yet WE acted up plenty as well: cussing, disrespectful comments, promiscuity, not obeying, all the stuff people blame on lax parenting.)

How can I possibly be okay with this???!!!!

And now I find that many blacks are not okay with this, either, are horrified at the glee with which whites praise it.

Also see Violence for Violence: A Mom’s Turmoil in Baltimore:

Finally, a mom doing parenting right, the world seemed to scream.

It made me profoundly sad, and quite honestly, confused.

The very same people who recognize that violence is not the answer in retaliation to the police somehow find violence an appropriate response when it’s coming from a parent?

From Unschooling Momma and Poppy’s Only in America would an abusive mother receive the title “Mother of the Year”:

The real problem here is not whether or not this is abuse but the fact that abuse of children is so widely accepted in America and often sugar-coated under the umbrella of “discipline.”

Watch this video and imagine this happening in any other context outside of a parent child/relationship and tell me if abuse would then be too harsh of a word to describe this scenario.

If a man dragged and beat his wife like this to “protect” her it would be abuse. If an employer slapped his employee like this to teach him a lesson it would be called abuse. If I protected my dog from being killed and proceeded to beat him, it would be called abuse.

People would be outraged! Animals have more rights and are offered more protection than our children! Yet, this woman is seen as a hero on national TV because she showed up to beat her son.

….I know there are plenty out there who disagree with my “bleeding heart” approach to parenting but I say America needs more bleeding hearts! We need to be people our children can look up to and respect. We need to practice what we preach.

We need to value our children as humans and not hurt them. We need to open up our eyes and see by physically punishing children we are treating them that is how they deserve to be treated.

They feel worthless, they have no self-respect and it opens up the doors for them to be more likely to be abused in the future “out of love.”

We need to model the behaviors we want to see in our children, violence begets more violence. Violently attacking a child does not teach a child not to partake in violence!

Respect is taught by feeling respected. Children develop respect for their parents and ultimately authority by being respected themselves not by being beaten down.

For a time, I felt alone in my feelings on this case, when usually there are lots of voices speaking out against an abusive incident.  I wept for humanity.

But now I’m finding all sorts of blog posts and people on Facebook speaking out against it: friends, strangers.  And they, too, say, “I felt alone in this.”  Here, I’ve only posted a few such blogs which I have found so far.

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Another site giving the dangers of slapping kids upside the head

On the Home Treatment page of “Shaken Baby Syndrome” by HealthLinkBC (British Columbia, which is reviewed by a whole team of medical professionals):

Help prevent shaken baby syndrome

  • Never shake a baby. Also, do not slap or hit a child of any age on the face or head. A child’s brain is very delicate. Shaking, slapping, or hitting a child can cause serious harm, even though it may not leave any obvious sign of injury.

Also from that site:

Shaking or hitting a child’s head or face is always dangerous. Young children cannot control the movement of their head as well as adults can.

Shaken baby syndrome (shaken baby–impact syndrome) is brain damage caused when a baby is shaken, slammed, or thrown against an object. —Physical Abuse: Common Injuries in Children

I was appalled to witness, in real life, my ex-friends Richard and Tracy defending and joking about smacking kids upside the head, after I saw Tracy do it to her toddler.

Tracy even accused me of defaming her when she discovered I called her a child abuser.  But this is just plain not true: This and her other practices, as I have explained in various chapters in this web-book, ARE INDEED CHILD ABUSE.

And the above quote, along with various others I have given in the links at the bottom of the page, is proof of this.

Rather than threatening me and breathing fire, she needs to review her own practices and CHANGE THEM before her children are irreparably damaged–and either become child abusers as adults, or become victims of abusive husbands.

I was appalled to see another woman smack her toddler in the mouth for using the f– word, which she herself uses on a regular basis.  This practice is condemned here by four dental professionals, whose credentials you can see under “Author Information”:

Oral injuries may be inflicted with instruments such us eating utensils or a bottle during forced feedings. The abuse may result in contusions, burns, or lacerations of the tongue, lips, buccal mucosa, palate, gingival alveolar mucosa or frenum; fractured, displaced, or avulsed teeth; or facial bone and jaw fractures. In older children, gags used to silence or punish a child can leave bruises at the corners of the mouth. A slap or a blow to the child’s mouth to silence the child may injure the labial frenum. –C Stavrianos, I Stavrianou, P Kafas, D Mastagas. The Responsibility of Dentists in Identifying and Reporting Child Abuse. The Internet Journal of Law, Healthcare and Ethics. 2006 Volume 5 Number 1.

I was appalled to see this woman post on Facebook, “Parents, beat your children.”  Then to hear her say at a party that grabbing a kid’s ear is not abuse.  She is the sister of a friend, but I have nothing to do with her anymore.  I write about this here.

I am appalled to come across comments on the Web saying that it’s perfectly fine to smack kids upside the head, or slap them in the face, that it’s not abuse and doesn’t cause harm.  Above is yet more evidence that this is just not true.

A website (HealthLinkBC) which is reviewed by hundreds of medical specialists, surely must influence parents into giving up this destructive practice.

At least, you would hope.  You would wish.

I am heartened, at least, by the thousands of visitors who have already seen my posts and pages on this subject.  Their search terms, Facebook shares, and number of return visits tell me that many others are looking for the truth on this, do care about children.

I just added this quote to my other pages/posts on child abuse.

While supposedly we’re not to say bad things about people during Lent, I just don’t see how keeping quiet about child abuse is the moral and right thing to do just because it’s Lent.

I am fighting to stop abuse through raising awareness via my website.  Also, Tracy reads this blog regularly, so I hope to influence her into changing her destructive practices before she causes more harm to those four beautiful children.

I call on her to REPENT during this period of Lent.  Apologize to those girls and turn away from abusing them, and they will forgive you and love you forever.  Continue in this destructive path, and they will run from you as soon as they have the chance.

For my other research on this, see Don’t smack your kids: Research into teenage football concussions, Child Abuse, Examples of Child Abuse, Hitting Kids Upside the Head is ABUSE, Slapping Kids Upside the Head Causes Traumatic Brain Injury, and  …Because slapping kids on the head is ABUSE!  STOP THE VIOLENCE!.

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Reblog: Yelling and Swearing at Children is Emotional Child Abuse

I am fighting for four beautiful children, who are being damaged by their parents.  I want to see their parents repent of the abuse and turn their behavior around.

I am fighting for millions of other children growing up in abusive homes.

My experiences with this abusive couple, have spurred me on to advocate against child abuse on the Net through my website and through Facebook.  And it is working, as I see many hits every single day on my posts about child abuse.

Who knows, maybe one day I’ll even get through to them so they’ll stop abusing their kids.  But in any case, I can certainly hope to reach many other parents and stop abuse before it starts.

The following blog post showed up as a Related Post the other day, while I revised one of my old blog posts on abuse:

Quotes from Yelling and Swearing at Children is Emotional Child Abuse by Megan Bayliss:

Yesterday I yelled, and swore, at my child because he would not come Christmas shopping with me.

As soon as I did it, I wanted to take the words and volume back. I wanted to reverse the damage I knew I had caused. I cannot. The damage is child abuse and child abuse is lasting.

…Parents get stressed; parents do often lash out verbally at their kids. However, there is no excuse for abuse. Provocation from our children does not equal child abuse as an acceptable means of discipline.

Much emotional abuse to children occurs because we parents throw tantrums.

The lesson for me yesterday was that the unequal balance of power between children and adults is enhanced by the use of adult words. My vocabulary range and intonation is far greater than my son’s and therefore a more potent weapon.

I can choose to use my words to heal and help, but instead I used my toxic tongue to hurt and constipate.

…Even though I am an advocate for protecting children, I am also a human being; a parent who needs reminding that child abuse takes many forms. It is not just sexual or physical abuse. Verbal abuse creates scars on the inside that nobody can see.

I urge you to remember that yelling, screaming, swearing and sarcasm directed toward your children are forms of emotional child abuse.

Another blog post on Psychology Today, “Verbal Abuse of Children: What can you do about it?” by Susan Heitler, PhD, was full of good info:

Unfortunately, the psychological damage from emotional/verbal abuse can be lifelong.  

The problem of parents who verbally abuse their children by yelling at them, calling them hurtful names, and turning them against themselves is related to the topic of an article in a recent Wall Street Journal, “States Tackling Child Abuse.”

The newspaper’s article highlighted child maltreatment in the form of physical abuse, and the need for stronger responses from state protective services.

What though is done for children whose unconditionally unloving parents intermittently or consistently denigrate and rage verbally at their children, committing emotional abuse?

State protective services are empowered to mobilize when they see visible marks of physical abuse on children’s bodies. When the abuse damages instead a child’s soul, eroding self-esteem and fostering hatred and fear, protective services generally has no jurisdiction.

How totally inadequate are the responses that we as individuals and as a society seem to be able to offer these children!

The goals of this article are both to offer suggestions and to highlight a serious gap in our protective services for children of bpd, extremely narcissistic and otherwise verbally abusive parents.

Also see Child Abuse.

 

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When our abusers get honored: Dang newspaper tells me about my abusers

Recently, the newspaper told me Tracy graduated college, and her major.  I’ve also seen her back in town recently, right in the same parking lot I pulled into.

From various IPs linked conclusively to them, it looks like one of them has been in town this whole past year, even while she went to college on the other side of the state–even though her IP location came from a city near the college for much of the year.

Her main IP address is screwy, because the locations keep changing even though the IP does not.  Sometimes she’s in Eau Claire, or Madison, or Rochester MN….

And now the same IP shows up as Fond du Lac, then Madison, then Fond du Lac, then Madison…. Other local IPs from that Internet Service Provider, including mine, always show as Fond du Lac.

She recently used one other IP that showed Missouri, but it was identified by my stat trackers as her cell phone–and she used that same phone on my blog a short time later, from Fond du Lac.

And sometimes I get hits from Texas, someone who has used Richard and Tracy’s unique search terms.

I have no clue what’s going on.  All I know is that now she’s graduated and was in Fond du Lac again back in June.

I’ve heard of people leaving town to get away from their abusers, but that’s not possible here: We own this house, and were in this town long before they were.

The other day, I open up the newspaper and it tells me that Tracy got some kind of honor at her college.  A couple of years ago, it said she was in an honor society of some kind.

I did not want to see that.  She does not deserve honors after the way she has treated so many people over the years.

But unfortunately, academic-based honors often have little to do with the kind of person you are, and are based solely on grade point averages, so even sociopaths and various forms of abusers can get degrees and honors.

Abuse victims want justice.  We don’t want our abusers getting accolades.  Just ask the daughter of Woody Allen what that’s like:

After a custody hearing denied my father visitation rights, my mother declined to pursue criminal charges, despite findings of probable cause by the State of Connecticut – due to, in the words of the prosecutor, the fragility of the “child victim.” Woody Allen was never convicted of any crime.

That he got away with what he did to me haunted me as I grew up. I was stricken with guilt that I had allowed him to be near other little girls. I was terrified of being touched by men. I developed an eating disorder. I began cutting myself.

That torment was made worse by Hollywood. All but a precious few (my heroes) turned a blind eye. Most found it easier to accept the ambiguity, to say, “who can say what happened,” to pretend that nothing was wrong.

Actors praised him at awards shows. Networks put him on TV. Critics put him in magazines.

Each time I saw my abuser’s face – on a poster, on a t-shirt, on television – I could only hide my panic until I found a place to be alone and fall apart.

Last week, Woody Allen was nominated for his latest Oscar. But this time, I refuse to fall apart.

For so long, Woody Allen’s acceptance silenced me. It felt like a personal rebuke, like the awards and accolades were a way to tell me to shut up and go away.

But the survivors of sexual abuse who have reached out to me – to support me and to share their fears of coming forward, of being called a liar, of being told their memories aren’t their memories – have given me a reason to not be silent, if only so others know that they don’t have to be silent either.

Just ask any girl who’s been raped in college, but her abuser went on to get a degree.  Even a degree seems too good for our abusers.  This does actually happen, as a victim’s concerns are minimized and the rapist is allowed to graduate:

Woman is accused by college of harassing her rapist

A graduating senior at Central College who was found responsible for “non-consensual sex” with a fellow student was given a choice: be expelled a month before graduation or stay in school with the conditions that he not walk in the ceremony and allow the college to notify a future employer and other schools that he’d violated the code of conduct….

A year-long investigation by the Center for Public Integrity found that students deemed “responsible” for sexual assaults on campus often face little or no punishment from school judicial systems, while their victims’ lives are frequently turned upside down. –Lee Rood, Central College lets rape suspect select punishment

 

Scott is a graduating senior, so some people may wonder why I care anymore. He’ll be gone soon enough, so what if the school didn’t do anything?

When he was first found responsible, I was told that the purpose of these sanctions was to help him learn from this. It is clear to me he hasn’t learned anything, and that scares me.

When he gets his diploma, he will officially be a representative of what Macalester stands for, and I fear that he will represent my school as a place that protects rapists at the expense of the people they victimize.

If I return to Macalester for my senior year in the fall and get my diploma next year, I will also be representative of Macalester.

For better or worse, I will be tied to Scott forever. I will also be tied to what I see as a pattern of survivors of sexual assault who are forced to watch their school choose to protect the future of criminals over their own safety.

My fear is that if I stay, I will become a silent accomplice to rape. Not just to my own rape, but to the future people I believe Scott will victimize. –Anna Binkovitz, Sharing a degree with your rapist

Just finding out that my ex Phil is a math teacher or professor, makes me cringe.  Him, molding young minds?  The guy who psychologically abused me and even tried to sexually assault me several times?  And of course, to be a math teacher, he had to get a couple of degrees.

Years ago, I told people I hoped he would become a monk, so he could not hurt more women or, as a priest, advise married couples.  Instead, he went on to marry, have two kids, and get divorced, making me wonder how that woman and her children have been abused.

My bullies, Richard and Tracy, denied the truth of what I wrote in this blog about their many abuses of me and others.  I had already told Social Services about the abuse in their home.  They threatened to sue, and began to stalk me at church for a while, then by keeping tabs on my blog.

And that’s despite the fact–or maybe because–Richard had been convicted of choking one of his kids, proving I wrote the truth.  I kept my blog up despite all the hell they put me through, because the truth needed to be told.  I told my friends and family about it, too.

The Forum we all used to belong to, was convinced of my credibility when they saw the facts of Richard’s case on the state’s and newspaper’s websites.

Yet still Richard and Tracy imagined they could somehow threaten and scare me into believing I was a liar.  Apparently they were the only ones who did not see Richard’s conviction as proof I was telling the truth about domestic violence in their household.

Yet I opened up the paper yesterday and read that Tracy had received some sort of honor at college this past school year.

I previously learned that Richard, while convicted, plea-bargained and got merely a fine and year’s probation.

So he’s out walking free despite nearly killing a 9-year-old girl, and I still see the kids with them both despite Tracy’s verbal (and sometimes physical) abuse, despite my detailed report describing how Tracy had been tormenting the children and exposing them to her domestic violence against Richard.

I want these people in jail for abusing their kids and terrorizing me.

I want Richard to have gotten the sentence he deserved: many years in prison, which he would’ve received if he hadn’t plea-bargained.

I want Tracy put in jail for punching Richard.

I want them to either shape up or get their kids put with better parents.

I want them to apologize to me on their knees.

I do NOT want them moving on with life, getting honors, manipulating and abusing other people, being told how wonderful they are, continuing to physically abuse and psychologically torture and scar their children.  (They have hurt a lot of other people besides me.)

One consolation is, while Richard wanted to become an Orthodox priest, my priest tells me that’s impossible because of the child abuse conviction.  And a friend who sometimes has to help hire people, was directed to screen out anyone with domestic abuse on their record, because of the nature of the job.

It boggles my mind (and my husband’s) that Tracy got a degree in business management.  HER, a MANAGER?  She can’t even manage her own household or temper!  I fear for anyone who, in the future, is put under her supervision–just as I fear for her children under her supervision.  I pray for her children’s safety nearly every day.

And I’m not the only one who has to deal with this.  I see the same frustrations, anger at the injustice of it all, permeating other abuse blogs.  For example, this one, because this woman, a PTSD sufferer, was spiritually abused by a predatory pastor, then reported him–yet now he’s been made senior pastor at a new church:

Just found out that Pastor Andrew Allison has been promoted to Singleton Baptist Church

I am really angry and I have a right to be. It is righteous anger.

Allison also occasionally checks up on her LinkedIn profile, which is creepy.  Yes, those of us who have been abused know how creepy it is to be “checked up on” by our abusers!  I get “checked up on” every week or so by mine!  Keeping my blog up has required a lot of courage, and has earned me a strength I did not have before.

This kind of thing happens in our churches, and it should not.  It’s not just a Catholic problem.

It’s also not just a Christian problem:

Narrow Bridge, movie addressing problem of Jewish leaders who are predators

Hopefully the more we spread awareness of these things, through our blogs or other means, the more things will begin to change.

Already there is an outcry about abusive pastors going on to other churches, or keeping their current posts.

Abuse victims of all kinds are spreading the word that this evil exists, so that hopefully society can begin to stamp it out.

“Narcissist” is becoming a household word, and Cluster B (abusive) personality disorders are becoming better-known.

Talk hard!

 

 

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