CPS

Stopping Abuse/ Helping Abused Friend, Family Member, Co-worker, Child

I’ve noticed quite a bit of hits from keywords referring to abuse.  This is, unfortunately, a common problem, and people need to find help.

There are also many hits from keywords referring to narcissistic or borderline personality disorders, disorders which often lead to abusive behaviors.

So I will make a series of posts from my webpage on abuse, which gathers together links I have found most helpful.  I have them arranged by category. 

The first part is on the general topic of abuse.  The last section of the webpage, my own personal abuse stories, has already been posted here.

From my page Abuse in all its forms: My Thoughts, Quotes and Links to help:

 

Stopping Abuse/ Helping Abused Friend, Family Member, Co-worker, Child

Yes, you can stop violence against women

How to help a friend who’s being abused/survived sexual assault

How to help a co-worker who’s being abused

Avoiding Victim-Blaming

Community Action Stops Abuse (CASA)

MOSAIC Threat Assessment System

Safety Planning–Extensive Guide

How to clear your browser

GOOD NEWS: STEALTH GENIE HAS GONE DOWN: See articles Pakistani Man Indicted for Selling StealthGenie Spyware App and Maker of StealthGenie, an app used for spying, is indicted in Virginia.

How to Help Someone who is being Abused

Helping an Abused Friend

How to Help a Friend who is Being Abused

Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook

How to Work with CPS

CPS brochure

CPS FAQ

Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence

How can I help a friend or family member who is being abused?

How to Help Victims of Domestic Violence

For Domestic Violence Survivors and their Family, Friends and Co-workers

Care and Protection Cases

Identifying child abuse

Child Welfare Information Gateway

What we can do about child abuse

Child Abuse and Neglect: Recognizing and Preventing Child Abuse

Domestic Violence Handbook (though it does concern me how much this focuses on women as victims and men as abusers, when it’s often the other way around, or mutual)

What happens when you report someone to Social Services

Is my friend being abused?

But since Karen’s death, I have learned that it’s all right to say to your friend, “I don’t think your partner is treating you well.” That’s being a good friend (Liz Welch, Redbook Magazine, You May Think Domestic Violence has Nothing to do with You).

Speaking up about someone else’s abuse, or walking away from your own, is never easy. It takes strength, support, and a courageous spirit.

Share your inspiring stories of survival, as well as your experience with a friend or family member who was — or still is — in an abusive relationship.

No matter the voice, no matter the story, there is power in sharing our truth. –Redbook Magazine, Time to talk, link no longer works

Reporting child abuse can be difficult on a personal level. You may feel that you are “meddling” in someone else’s affairs, breaking up a family or disrupting people’s lives.

However, by reporting suspected child abuse, you are making a difference in the life of a child. Sometimes we have to intervene to stop damaging and destructive behaviors that are being done to people who are weaker or have no voice, no power to stop it.

When you step up and take action on behalf of a child in this position, you will not only make a difference in that child’s life, you may also touch the lives of all of the people involved. –Stephanie Partridge, Signs of Emotional Child Abuse

Even if you just suspect that someone is abusing or neglecting a child, report it. If you are afraid to report the suspected abuse or neglect because you might be wrong, do it any way.

If you are wrong, you can always apologize. If you are right, you may have saved the life of a child and you have definitely changed the life of a child for the better.

As a child, I always wished someone would ask about if I was being sexually abused. I couldn’t voluntarily ask someone for help. I was too afraid.

This is true for many children. If you suspect a child is being abused, ask. Please ask.

Not all children will tell you the truth, but some will. They, like me, are just waiting for someone to care enough to ask. –Patricia Singleton, Be a Voice for Children–Speak Out About Child Abuse

The Topic of Abuse (General)

Abuse Specifically Against Husbands/Boyfriends 

Borderline Personality Disorder 

Bullying 

Child Abuse

Domestic Abuse (anyone who lives together or is in a romantic relationship, including roommates or family members)

Emotional Abuse

Gaslighting

Getting into the Psyche of the Abuser

If You’ve Been Reported to CPS 

Narcissists

Personal Stories

Physical Abuse

Recovery

Stopping Abuse/ Helping Abused Friend, Family Member, Co-worker, Child 

Toxic Friendships/Relationships

Understanding the Abused

Verbal Abuse

If You’ve Been Reported to CPS

I’ve noticed quite a bit of hits from keywords referring to abuse.  This is, unfortunately, a common problem, and people need to find help.

There are also many hits from keywords referring to narcissistic or borderline personality disorders, disorders which often lead to abusive behaviors.

So I will make a series of posts from my webpage on abuse, which gathers together links I have found most helpful.  I have them arranged by category. 

The first part is on the general topic of abuse.  The last section of the webpage, my own personal abuse stories, has already been posted here.

From my page Abuse in all its forms: My Thoughts, Quotes and Links to help:

If You’ve Been Reported to CPS

Because there have been so many reported cases involving an abuse of power, the Department of Child and Family Services has done much to ensure that each individual report of alleged abuse is handled consistently within the agency and follows a specific procedure.

While this certainly doesn’t eliminate abusive or unreasonable treatment by some social workers, it does greatly reduce irresponsible behavior and does much to protect law-abiding citizens and innocent children from being subjected to harmful ordeals.

The agency has also developed an informative web site that is available to the general public.  Their Department Policy Handbook is included on the site, which gives detailed descriptions of their policies and procedures.

I would highly recommend those who are involved with any kind of counseling within the church body to obtain a copy of this manual and become familiar with it.

…Are Christians obligated to report criminal child abuse?  Yes!  Are those who fall under the mandatory reporting laws obligated to obey them?  Yes!

Should believing offenders be subject to the same judicial consequences for criminal acts as unbelievers and be held accountable in the same way?  Yes, yes, yes!

Should we become involved in these cases as a church?  By all means, yes!

And should we forgive and work to restore fellowship to repentant offenders and minister to victims as well?  Yes, of course!

…It is important for Christians as well as social workers to note that God’s definition of abuse is actually much more demanding than any court’s.

The Scriptures condemn any behavior toward another that is demeaning, unkind, oppressive, hateful, vindictive, or self-serving (to mention just a few).

God vehemently warns against abusing ones authority and power over another, and does not give anyone in any situation the right to impose unlimited authority over others who are subordinate.

The Scriptures clearly forbid any kind of cruelty, sexual exploitation, neglect or failure to provide for ones children.  Christians are to regard children as God’s lambs who need protection, loving guidance, and tender care.

Furthermore, God holds parents responsible for the way they deal with their children and the way they protect their children from harm.  Those who willfully inflict harm on a child, neglect a child, or in any way oppress a child are harshly spoken of. (Matt. 18:6).

Bringing harm to a child in any form is a serious matter from a Biblical point of view.

…First and foremost, Christians need to conduct themselves in a calm and gentle spirit, remembering that “a soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.” (Pro. 15:1)

It is important to cooperate with the social worker to the extent he or she does not violate one’s rights as a parent or one’s child’s right to privacy and protection from harm.

When parents become defensive and refuse to cooperate, it only increases the suspicion of the investigator.  The social worker has no doubt learned from experience that people who have something to hide tend to act defensive and uncooperative.

So cooperate and keep a sweet spirit even in the midst of a very frightening and uncomfortable situation.  Remember that your child will mimic your attitude and response.

If you are matter of fact and cooperative, your child will accept the investigation much more calmly himself.  This is to the child’s benefit as well as yours, and is the best way to defuse suspicion. —Debi Pryde, How to Work with CPS

 

REPORTING IS NOT “MEDDLING”

Deciding to get involved in a situation of suspected abuse or neglect can be difficult. It is, however, a decision that may be crucial to a child not only today, but also in the future.

Parents who have abused or neglected their children may need services and support to provide safe care for their children. —CPS brochure

The Topic of Abuse (General)

Abuse Specifically Against Husbands/Boyfriends 

Borderline Personality Disorder 

Bullying 

Child Abuse

Domestic Abuse (anyone who lives together or is in a romantic relationship, including roommates or family members)

Emotional Abuse

Gaslighting

Getting into the Psyche of the Abuser

If You’ve Been Reported to CPS 

Narcissists

Personal Stories

Physical Abuse

Recovery

Stopping Abuse/ Helping Abused Friend, Family Member, Co-worker, Child 

Toxic Friendships/Relationships

Understanding the Abused

Verbal Abuse

 

Richard and Tracy are stalking me online and at church

This post includes an e-mail Richard and Tracy sent me in May 2012, which proves my belief that they are sociopaths.  In it you will see every sociopathic trait–including empty threats and false accusations–and maybe recognize e-mails you have received from your own sociopath.  You will see how they began their stalking campaign. 

This post was originally posted in May 2012.  I wrote it while a baby blogger, and added to it over a period of months, so it badly needed editing.  However, I struggled for a long time to look through this blog post again because of the presence of that e-mail and its tendency to trigger all sorts of emotional reactions: fear, pain, hurt, anguish, rage, etc.

But now I am finally able to do some proper editing, and re-post it.  I want to sticky it so new readers can see it, as I have been doing for months with my old posts. 

It is, however, extremely long, which would take me all night to edit and an hour for you to read, so I will re-post it in chunks.  I have divided the original post into several sections, which I will follow in the re-post.  If you want to see the entire original post, click here.  [9/27/14]

Now I’m Being Stalked (Part 1)

Warning: The following contains venting of anger, to get it out of my heart and onto the page, to make the story authentic, and to show other victims of abuse that I feel your rage.

Now Richard and Tracy made a fake account on Blogger for the sole purpose of following my blog, of stalking me, watching everything I post.  They named it “Tracy Richard Doe” so I’d know who it was.  So I blocked it.

One of their friends, nobody I know, “Chia,” even friended me on Facebook at around the same time, then unfriended me the next day–probably there to spy on my wall.

I didn’t know what to make of it when she first sent me the request; Jeff thought maybe she was the mysterious visitor to my blog who lived in my own town, and not Richard or Tracy.

Not only did I not know Chia, not recognize her name, but I had not been on Richard or Tracy’s Facebook for nearly two years, we had no mutual friends, she was not Orthodox, we were not the same age, did not go to the same college/high school, so there’s no way she could’ve seen me on their Facebook and decided to friend me because we lived in the same city or whatever.

We had nothing in common at all, no explanation why Richard and Tracy’s friend would friend me.

I sent her an e-mail asking who she was, and friended her so I could check her e-mail address service provider against the service provider showing up in my trackers.  Almost the moment I did so, and the news of this showed up on her wall, I saw a sudden spike from the mysterious visitors on my blog.

I waited and waited all the next day for a response from her, so I could find out if she was the actual visitor, rather than Richard or Tracy, but never got one.

Finally, that evening, I went to her profile and discovered that she had unfriended me without one word to me.  I saw in her “about me” section that she wants to defend friends who are being treated badly (I forget the wording; I blocked her, and can’t double-check).

Yeah, this is what you call a minion of a narcissist, someone so caught up in the narcissist’s web that she believes all his/her lies and will stick up for the narcissist–even against the person whom the narcissist has bullied/abused.

This girl is being manipulated by Richard and/or Tracy into thinking she’s doing the right thing, when she’s actually participating in Richard and Tracy’s evil.

She’s being manipulated into thinking she’s helping friends who are being defamed, when in truth I am speaking up about how Richard and Tracy bullied me.  I’m the whistleblower being punished by the evildoers.

I blocked this person, feeling fairly certain that she was sent to my Facebook as a spy.

Richard and Tracy made a fake Facebook account for the sole purpose of sending me a harassing e-mail, with classic abusive tactics: deny, twist, blame, isolate.

Right after I found their e-mail to me, and filed a report (though not an official complaint) with the police about it, they came to my church.

I hurried to get to the communion line before they went through, but then Tracy came up directly behind me, practically pressing up against me, even though there was no reason for her to do that.  I could hear her heavy breathing.  I knew she was doing it on purpose to intimidate me: the classic tactic of “breathing down your neck.”

Then they hurried to the priest after church, probably to tell him all about how I was “oppressing” them, probably making themselves into the poor, persecuted victims of my “lies.”

You will note from their e-mail to me (quoted below) that they threatened me with a defamation suit if I told the priest about what was going on, even though Richard’s conviction is true and is on the public record, has been published by the newspaper, and Tracy’s abuses of me really happened!

[Note: This interpretation of the e-mail was based on this blog post, which they appeared to be addressing, because it’s the only explanation that made any sort of sense to me. 

You see, I made no “threats” whatsoever, and had to guess what they meant.  I told them I would call the police if they threatened violence against me for writing about them on my blog or for reporting them to CPS.  I told them if they bullied me again, I would tell again (i.e., write on my blog, tell my friends/family). 

My only “demands” were for them to apologize or leave me alone. 

As you can see, neither these “threats” nor “demands” warranted their response or lawsuit threat.  What I actually did was stand up for myself and tell them to bugger off, which is generally considered a good, healthy thing. 

So the only thing I could think of was that they meant the “Mutual Friends” post, though it was void of “threats” and written months before they found my blog. 

So you see how their response shows a huge amount of paranoia, and of an abuser’s typical intimidation/scare tactics.  (9/27/14)]

Jeff had hoped we wouldn’t have to talk to the priest, but when he saw Richard and Tracy go up, he knew it was necessary.

I have done nothing illegal, but stalking and harassment are illegal. Richard and Tracy are making it very clear that they are going to intimidate and harass me online and at church, and keep me from telling anyone to protect myself.

This is precisely how bullies operate.

I never even tried to control what they said about me when or where.  I just assumed they were saying nasty things about me.  But I didn’t go poking around looking for what they were saying. I just left it alone, let them say what they want, I’ll say what I want to my own friends.

I keep looking over what I wrote and seeing everything checks out.  I saw that, he told me that, he did that, she did that, Todd told me that, Todd and Richard both told me that, yet they claim “false facts”?  Eh?  I see none here.

Everything I wrote, I either witnessed or was told (by Richard or, in a couple of cases, by Todd, which I could corroborate with my own observations and what Richard said), or it was published by official sources.

There are no lies here.  Conjecture is in clear language to show conjecture.  There is no misrepresentation, no “false facts.”  If something is incorrect, then blame the person who gave me that information, not me.  I can verify where I got all my information, and make the defense of “truth or reasonably believed to be true.”

But more importantly, as the Narcissists Suck blogger put it in her stories about her sister, they still have their anonymity, and I have zero intention of revealing on my blog whom I’m talking about.

This blog is not about vengeance, but about sharing my story to help me get it out and to help others going through similar situations.

It’s the same as my College Memoirs, which are full of stories about how a few guys abused or used me, but I’m on more cordial terms with these guys today.

Then Richard and Tracy poked fun of me for still being upset about this etc.  Obviously they can’t read very well.  Did they not note the many datestamps on the blog posts and website pages?  Most of the blog posts were written months ago, and most of the website pages were first written a few months to a year after the events.  I have merely revised and added/changed things since then.

I see from context that they were complaining, for example, about “Seeing the Abuser Again,” which–along with being an honest portrayal of how abuse and bullying victims feel no matter how much time has passed–was written last November!

Also, this post, “Mutual Friends,” and others were not written for them!  They were written for other people going through this!

While some things were occasionally on the Web, most of the time, none of it was.  The site pages didn’t go “live” until about less than a month ago, after I scoured it for deletions.  The site pages have gotten extremely little traffic, and a check of Google Analytics shows no evidence of that one mutual friend [who subscribed to my blog back in 2009 or 2010] reading any of those blogs.

These were up for abuse survivors to find and read, to help them, and not advertised on Facebook because I wanted to keep them even from my friends.  I never told the mutual friend about the blogs or who they were about.

They were for people who are going through this and who understand the hurt and pain and anger.  They were so I wouldn’t overtax my friends–a form of therapy, because the aftereffects of this trauma have been far too much of a burden for my friends to share.

I have no regrets about posting them.  They constitute my story of abuse, which I have every right to share with the world if I wish.

As Patricia Singleton puts it so eloquently:

I have discovered that those people who tell me to “Let it go now. Move on.” are usually one of two types. They either have never experienced what I have and therefore know nothing about the process that it takes to heal. Or, they have their own abuse issues that they want to stay in denial of.

If you see me going through my issues and haven’t dealt with your own, then my struggle threatens your denial. That is why you tell me to let it go and to move on so that you don’t have to become aware of your own unresolved issues.

I feel sad for those who are still in denial of their own issues. I have little sympathy for those who don’t know what they are talking about because they have never experienced what I have.

If you haven’t been there, you have no idea of what it takes to live my life and to struggle to get better. Don’t tell me to get over it.

If you have been where I am and were able to let go of your issues by healing them, then tell me how you did it.  Share your experiences and what worked.

Don’t share your denial of your issues. I don’t need that. I did that, on my own, years ago and I know that denial just helps you continue to live in the pain. Denial heals nothing. When you are in denial, you aren’t happy. You aren’t free. The only way to freedom is through the pain, not around it.

…Some of you choose to share your own experiences, as I do, by blogging about them online. Others choose to write in private journals. Some of you still continue in the silence because you haven’t found your voice yet. It is for other incest and childhood abuse survivors that I write of my experiences.

Any time that someone survives abuse in any form and can write about that journey, that is inspirational. It isn’t light, funny inspiration. It is sad, thoughtful, sometimes tearful. It is always heartfelt. Sometimes it comes from a deep well of hurt.

It is always healing to be able to bring these thoughts and feelings to the surface and share them with others. It can be educational to share with others who have never experienced abuse in their own lives. Without awareness, you can stop nothing.

Residual anger is perfectly natural when you’ve been abused, and it’s perfectly natural to want that person to stay far from you even years after the abuse.  Nobody wants to see their bully or abuser again, whether they’ve healed or not.  Why would they?  They know what’s coming, after all.

Standing up to and confronting your abuser makes you a survivor rather than a victim, so I did the right thing in standing up to them, telling them to leave me alone.  [THAT is what I told them.  I did NOT threaten them–except to say that I would call the police if they threatened me.  And that is just what I did.  (9/27/14)]

And to poke fun at someone else’s pain, and call them crazy for trusting their own senses and recognizing that they have been abused, is callous and cruel, especially when that person had been extremely kind to you for so long.

Their reaction shows the true nature of their souls, in black and white in that e-mail.  They can’t complain about misrepresentation when every word they wrote to me, and every action they take, proves me correct.

I suspected narcissism, but they have now proven it.

  • “Normal” people do not start stalking and seek to destroy the one who stands up to them.
  • “Normal” people do not go through life wreaking and disregarding destruction left in their wakes, blaming the victims for the abuse, and laughing at them for not just getting over it and being glad to see them at church etc.

Their behavior is classic narcissism.  It’s as if people like this are all following the same playbook.  You can’t take it seriously.

I’m so over caring what these people think about anything, that I laugh at their criticisms.  They’re not worth taking seriously.

And I’m just waiting for them to do something that makes this an easy case to prosecute.

Their threats are empty because I’ve done nothing illegal; their nastiness will soon become apparent at church by the way they harass me.  The parishioners love and accept me, so such behavior can’t possibly go unnoticed for long.

If I block anybody who’s not Richard and Tracy, I apologize, but I must cover my bases. I’m seeing evidence that they are using friends to spy on me as well–a friend of theirs and not mine who tried to friend me on Facebook out of the blue and then vanished–and now somehow Richard and Tracy got around my IP block to make a fake profile to “follow” my blog.  Oh, hey, they used cell phones.  That answers that question.

I already had all sorts of mental stims (NVLD thing?), which had been acting up in the past couple of years; now I have even more of them. (See my NVLD page for explanation.)  Which shows how ridiculous they were to reject my talk of NVLD.  Their opinions of me are worthless.

These people are targeting me because they perceive me as weak–and because they know I have proof of my claims.

The message they sent me:

Nyssa,

We read this in amusement. It gave us a good laugh to find
that almost 2 years later you are still fixated on something that we
forgot about a long time ago. As for your threats, promises whatever to
expose us you can take out a law book and read about defamation laws.
Richards’s court case may be public access and you are free to speculate
all you want without having all the information and facts. However the
rest of your writings about how horrible a person Tracy is and abusive
mentally deranged etc. have gone beyond statements of opinion. You have
represented in your writings false facts, not just opinions, about Tracy
that constitutes an actionable lawsuit. You are free to have your
opinion and feelings however the minute you go public to the members of
the church or community as you have threatened to do we will exercise
our rights to sue you for defamation against Tracy’s character.

You
talk about threats and bullies yet what are you doing? You are
threating to falsely accuse and expose lies about an innocent person if
they do not concede to your demands. We will not be threatened or
intimidated. We are free to go to church to worship our Lord God without
fear of retaliation from someone we see as not all there. You want
closure here it is. We are not sorry. We did nothing wrong. You will
never get what you want from us because we do not feel we owe you
anything. We will continue to be active in our church our community and
our town; if you cannot handle that then that us your problem not ours.
We will not move or change our faith to make you happy and comfortable.
As for the local parish being ‘your’ church. I think the archdiocese
would have a thing to say about that. The church is for everyone. We
have stayed away out of respect to give you time. We have gone to other
churches in town outside of our faith when gas prices or work schedules
prevented us from driving 40+ miles one way to church. However we miss
going to a church of our faith, participating in the mysteries having
that commune with our Lord, so we decided that when we can’t drive out
of town we will go to the local parish. We will not be pushed out of the
church by you, two years is enough time. So as fair warning for the
perceivable future our work schedules make long distance an issue as the
other parish is moving to summer hours and Divine Liturgy starts early.
So we will be attending locally A LOT this summer, we will even show up
on Saturday nights.

Here it is in all its ugliness.  The clarity of Richard and Tracy’s narcissism is shining through every word they wrote.  [See here when I run it through my “narc decoder.”]

To be continued.