marriage

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

10. Grief

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13b. Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing

by Nyssa McCanmore
Posted on March 30, 2011March 28, 2020

Was Richard’s betrayal driven by Narcissism–or Stockholm Syndrome?

From Love and Stockholm Syndrome:

Don’t feel the victim’s behavior is against the family or friends. It may be a form of survival or a way of lowering stress. Victims may be very resistive, angry, and even hostile due to the complexity of their relationship with the controller/abuser.
They may even curse, threaten, and accuse loved ones and friends. This hostile defensiveness is actually self-protection in the relationship–an attempt to avoid “trouble”.

I can only hope this is true…otherwise I can’t explain how my “best friend” turned into an abuser himself….Abuse sends out hostile waves that must be stopped before they do even more damage. [I posted this top part on Facebook on June 9, 2011.]

I have no way of knowing how much of the sweet and gentle person I knew, and how much of the narcissistic jackass who excused his wife’s abuses, tried to make everyone pacify her by giving in to her, got angry if somebody responded to her abuses with anger or abuse–was real.

I have no idea if he was putting on his best front for me in the beginning, hiding his true, violent, self-centered self, or if I was getting a glimpse of what he could be on his own, without the constant pinpricks of living with a shrew.

It is possible that he was improving himself, going from the self-acknowledged sins of his past to a new, righteous self saved by the Blood of Christ. But that over time, living with an abuser turned him into a peacemaker who let his wife abuse and be right while he blamed the victims for the abuse.

Don’t picture my father as a obsequious, weak man. He is nothing of the sort. He was a man of strength and forthrightness at one time…a long time ago.
This was a man who would never stand by to watch some stranger get attacked and he not intervene. With fists if need be.
This was not true, though, with his own children. He seems to have had no perspective where it concerned how his wife was…and how she treated his own children.
He saved his pity for her. He made allowances for her bad behavior because he believed her childhood explained (and justified) her bad behavior as an adult.
Because he made these allowances for the perpetrator, he was not able to see his way clear to protect his children from the beast. Because he pitied the perp, he ended up consigning helpless children to her abuses.
He loved my mother above all else. His children were unwanted and annoying appendages to his idol, my mother.
He tolerated us because he loved her. This also made it easy for him to demand of us better behavior than he expected from a full-grown woman, his wife.
He only ‘loved’ us when we were invisible or when we performed as he expected us to.
My father today is a bitter, angry, cynical man. His mind gradually poisoned by Worm Tongue against his children and extended family.
I have evidence in his own writing that he has surrendered his integrity in order to keep peace with the devil. His moral compass is so broken that he feels righteous and justified to demand of me, his grown daughter, that I too capitulate to the selfish demands of his infernal wife.
He sees me as the problem because I will not bend over and grab the ankles in order to ‘make peace’…like he has.
Yes, indeed. The price for peace with a villain is very high indeed. It has cost my father much. He has lost every one of his extended family members. He has lost at least one daughter.
All he has left is his evil wife. And, perhaps, the one daughter who greatly resembles his evil wife, my sister.
Was it really worth defending the indefensible all these years? I highly doubt it. I have seen clear indications that much of the time he can’t stand to be around my mother.
They live separate lives. He speaks impatiently and angrily with her much of the time.
There are times when he is tender and indulgent with my mother. These are rare times when she has managed to use enough of her feminine charms to soften him.
He is not a happy man. He has paid out too much of his soul, though, to cash in his chips. He will stay with her to the bitter, ugly end.
Count carefully the ultimate cost of ‘peace at any and all costs’. It is very steep. In the end, all you will be left with is the cold comfort of your pretended integrity and righteousness minus your soul. —The High Price of Peace at Any Cost

Yes, Richard and Tracy ascribe to the “must stay married at all costs because of God’s commands” point of view. But I don’t believe God means that people should stay with those who abuse them, abuse the children, and spread their poison from generation to generation.

On the contrary, Christ–normally even-tempered and loving with those he spoke to and chastened–was brutal in his words toward the Pharisees and those with evil intentions.

The Jewish culture he spoke to, when he spoke of adultery and divorce, was okay with wives being set aside for petty reasons, such as being bad cooks.

While he also spoke of those who, at the Judgment, will say, “But we said ‘Lord, Lord,'” and he will say, “Depart from me into eternal darkness, because I never knew you”–because they acted righteous while inside their hearts were black.

In fact, the Orthodox Church does allow some leniency in divorce because of hard hearts and the many things people do to destroy their marriages. It isn’t the all-or-nothing attitude of many fundamentalist or evangelical churches.

I don’t believe there is any righteousness in staying with an abuser for the sake of the children (how is that better for them?) or to avoid the “sin” of divorce. [Take that, Debi Pearl! 😉 ]

Table of Contents

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

10. Grief

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13b. Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing

by Nyssa McCanmore
Posted on November 2, 2010April 29, 2020

Why we should not be forced to befriend a BFF’s abusive spouse: My story of abuse

Warning: The following contains venting of anger, to get it out of my heart and onto the page, to make the story authentic, and to show other victims of abuse that I feel your rage.

Here is a blog comment describing an article by Richard Skerritt (an article which I could not find on the Net) showing the difference between a disordered adult’s tantrum and that of an angry child. It basically says that comparing the two is unfair to children, because the adult’s tantrum lasts longer and is far worse:

Usually, despite the anger etc. the reaction was the result of some easily understood stimuli, like taking a toy away or something. Whereas, the triggering of the disordered can come about as the result of something that, to a normal person, is completely innocuous.
He also pointed out that a tantruming child can be comforted, eventually and , once the tantrum is done, the child is soothed and reverts to normal.
But, the raging disordered person can not be soothed and continues to go ballistic even if the offender tries to remove the offending stimuli.

Anna Valerious writes:

But today’s thought is simply this: the narcissist/abuser has tender feelings that they coddle and caress and expect you to do the same for their poor little feelings. Conversely, they will trample, disregard and spit on your feelings.
This is a sign of their basely selfish and corrupt natures and isn’t your cue to capitulate. Expect them to be ‘hurt’ when you state reality. Expect them to look wounded to the core when you don’t perform properly your “duty” by them.
Remember ’til your dying day that the narcissist and the abuser are filled with the tenderest sympathy for themselves, but can spare none or little for you.
This is a grotesque reality you mustn’t pretend away. Stop the crazy bus and get off!
There is something seriously wrong with a person who has feelings only for their own pain. Period. Every psychopath has feelings for himself.
The same psychopath gets a total thrill from hurting your feelings. Even if we’re only talking about someone who emotionally abuses you on occasion so they can feel better it is the same principle.
Someone who ignores your pain but has all kinds of compassion for their own pain is a sick sonafabitch. Steer clear. —Do They Have Feelings?

And this is from an article about communicating with people with disorders which make it hard to understand others. The article is about people on the autism spectrum, but some of the NVLD social issues overlap with Asperger’s and autism:

Presume honesty. We may fail to make eye contact because it makes us feel anxious. We may be nervous in social situations with new acquaintances.
Some may construe our symptoms of anxiety as related to lying, and may not believe or trust us. If anything, however, most of us are honest to a fault. ….
Tell us if we are making you uncomfortable. For example, if we invade your personal space, and you just move away, we may not understand why.
If you say something like, “I am not comfortable with someone standing that close, but six inches farther apart feels good to me,” we will generally be very willing to do that, and not feel hurt. —Learning Each Other’s Language: Strategies to Improve Communication Between Neurotypicals and Individuals on the Autism Spectrum

It’s ludicrous the way Tracy lectured me in the 7/1 and 8/1/10 e-mails about “proper” behavior, saying that I was “wrong” and how “everybody knows, learning disability or not” that you’re supposed to befriend the wife if you want to do anything with the husband (playful banter with, going for coffee with, etc. etc.).

No, I was NOT “wrong.”

1. It’s ludicrous because she knows absolutely nothing about what it’s like for people with NVLD or Asperger’s to struggle with social rules. For example, until my mother explained it to me when I was maybe 11, I had absolutely no clue that you’re supposed to say “hi” back when somebody greets you in the hallway. I had no idea I was offending people this way.

Social rules had to be explained to me or I would not know they existed.

2. It’s ludicrous because it’s not true: There is no such rule as the one Tracy stated. This is a do-as-you-want society, where fixed social rules have long since been set aside.

I’ve had other friends whose spouses do NOT require this, such as my old college friend Mike. I don’t know his wife, who won’t even friend me on Facebook because she doesn’t want to friend his friends. Ever since they got married, they’ve lived too far away for me to get to know her.

Yet she has absolutely no objection to me chatting with him on Facebook, occasionally (innocently) flirting with him in those chats, exchanging e-mails, or, several months ago, having lunch with him when he happened to be in town. No, she was NOT there, and neither of us had a “wing man” which some people think is “proper.”

I’ve also seen post threads on a local social network which showed that many people find “wing men” to be unnecessary, that all you need to do is let your hubby know you’re meeting this friend, and it’s totally proper. Assuming your intentions are honorable, of course. Your husband does not have to know the guy, you don’t have to know the woman he’s meeting.

Other people I’ve known and all sorts of comment threads I’ve found on the Net, tell me that Tracy’s rules are far from fixed, that it’s incredibly common to have the more trusting, do-as-you-want attitude I have lived and encountered.

Here’s one right here, Is She “His” Friend or “Our” Friend on Chocolate Vent:

I have a girlfriend who swears that married men should no longer have female friends once he’s married. Instead of just being his friend that woman should then become “our” friend.
I think that’s ridiculous, but I wonder how many women & men actually enforce that.
I mean why should I have to be friends with some woman just because my husband was friends with her first?
And same with my male friends – why should my husband be forced to make a new friend just because I was friends with him first?
….I don’t think that anyone should be forced to be friends with someone that they don’t know.
If my husband has female friends before we marry then those should be his friends & his friends alone. Of course, I’m sure I’ll end up meeting all of my husband’s female friends, I just wouldn’t want to be forced to befriend them just because we’re married.
After all, if I couldn’t trust him I should’ve never married him.

A commenter wrote,

I have friends my husband has no interest in socializing with, in fact he would rather cut his own throat than be forced to attend any event with. He has friends I feel the same about.
This includes both single and married friends, those we knew prior to our marriage and those we have met since our marriage, those of the same gender and of the opposite gender.

Also, throughout our marriage, my husband has had many female friends whom I did not know, but I had no objection to him going to SCA events alone, chatting with them, wandering off to chat with them when we visited, e-mailing them, meeting them for coffee, that sort of thing.

TRUST IS NECESSARY in a marriage, or it will degenerate into suspicion and controlling behavior, which ultimately will drive you apart, the opposite of what you intended.

Also, I want to be friends with people because we get along and have things in common, NOT because I am or she is forced into it because of whom we’re married to.

3. It’s ludicrous because Tracy focused so much on what she demanded of other people, but gave them nothing, gave me nothing, gave no apologies for nasty behavior, no acknowledgement of how her husband is charming and easy to be friends with, but she turns people off from friendship with her.

4. It’s ludicrous because it violates my own rights to choose my friends, choose my confidantes, put up boundaries against people like her, and be able to tell for myself when someone is not good to be around.

5. It’s ludicrous because–from Richard’s own words–she did not live by the same rules which she imposed on Richard and everyone else. She did NOT befriend me before chatting with, playfully flirting with, or going to a concert with my husband.

Richard did NOT require that all her friends be friends with him as well, nor did she impose such a rule on herself. Only Richard’s friends had to follow this rule.

6. It’s ludicrous because it takes the focus off the true offender–her, the one who abuses her husband, children, and anyone else she chooses–and puts it on a scapegoat.

I knew just a few weeks into her rooming with us that she was a bad and emotionally dangerous person. She was also bigger than I am and violent.

Forcing me into friendship with her was bullying and controlling behavior from both her and Richard, from the very beginning.

So when I think back, it’s not at all surprising that I dug in my heels and refused to go beyond polite hellos and responses to her comments or questions.

Jeff thinks one reason for her jealousy was that she knew I could easily steal away Richard, just by being nice and sweet to him, hanging on his every word and laughing at his jokes, a huge contrast to Tracy’s treatment of him.

But Jeff feels the real reason for her seeing me as a threat to her marriage, was not as a potential affair-partner, but as a confidante, someone who could open Richard’s eyes to just how badly Tracy was treating him and the kids, especially since I didn’t keep my mouth shut about it.

But of course, Tracy wouldn’t want to admit to this, so she conveniently fell back on the “moving in on my husband!” angle.

After all, Richard flirted with lots of people, who also flirted with him, but she didn’t seem to mind that.

And also, after she spouted on Facebook that she finally got to say what she wanted to me and no longer sit back and be “quiet and nice” (she doesn’t even know the meaning of “quiet and nice”)–

Which is far more socially acceptable, far more likely to get the approval of her friends and family: saying I was the person most likely to convince Richard that she’s abusing him and the kids, and that for his own safety and his kids’ safety, he needs to get out NOW–

or saying that I was “violating boundaries” and “moving in on” him?

I found this in Dear Abby on April 11, 2012:

DEAR ABBY: My sister, Beth, and I are very close, but a constant source of contention is her boyfriend, Brody. Beth and Brody have broken up several times, and each time it happens, she fills me in on every horrible thing he has ever done.
They always seem to get back together, and then Beth expects me to like him despite everything I know. Does the fact that she forgives and forgets mean that I have to do the same? –TOO MUCH INFO IN OHIO

DEAR TOO MUCH INFO: No, it doesn’t. But you should be civil, even if you’re not warm and friendly. Then cross your fingers and hope your sister recognizes less drama is healthier and the relationship ends soon.

See? Even Dear Abby says you don’t have to be more than civil with your friend’s abusive significant other!

And I was always civil with Tracy, always polite and kind, saying hello and good-bye, responding to her questions, occasionally asking her things or paying her a compliment, occasionally chatting with her, giving her things, smiling at her, even biting my tongue when I had to, not mentioning the state of the house, not complaining when she snarked at me.

Table of Contents

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

10. Grief

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13b. Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing

by Nyssa McCanmore
Posted on September 5, 2010January 21, 2022

E-mails and phone call describe how Tracy abuses her husband and children

I have already described some of Tracy’s abuse in chapters one, two and three.

On December 17, 2007, I wrote in an e-mail to my mother,

I already heard that Tracy can be hard on the kids at times, and I’ve seen some of it. It seems her mom was emotionally abusive, her dad was abusive in other ways, and when she and the kids stayed with them the past few months, she started acting like her mom.
Richard and I really hope that being away from there, and around Jeff, Richard and me, will influence her away from that. Poor Richard tries to get her to stop doing something, then gets an earful.
But I’m trying to look past that and remember that he loves her, he married her, so I can’t just judge her and reject her.

[Proving that I also made a good-faith effort to befriend her.]

On March 22, 2009, I received an e-mail. I won’t quote the e-mail, out of privacy and safety concerns. It spoke of domestic disputes and child abuse, specifically using the terms “assaulting” the children with “verbal abuse.”

The next day I received a phone call, and took notes. I saved the e-mail and the notes in case Richard needed me as a witness one day.

It is a smoking gun which proves I was not imagining abuse, or imagining his complaints of it.

It proves that Tracy went in cycles, which matches not only the cycle of abuse (“honeymoon” periods followed by abuse), but also borderline personality disorder.

Some of the things he described, I also find described by victims of abuse from BPD wives.

It was, finally, written proof that she had indeed been verbally and physically abusing him and the children, and its effects on him.

It is my proof that I am not lying, not “crazy.” I hold fast to this e-mail as my anchor, so their gaslighting does not get into my head and make me doubt myself.

This is important because Tracy threatened me a couple of years ago, tried to make me think it was all in my addled head, and Richard has even been helping her in her intimidation and cyberstalking campaign against me.

Over the years, I witnessed things, and Richard told me things verbally and by e-mail. This chapter is a summary of the abuse I know about. If any of it is incorrect, blame the source for deceiving me: I have made a good-faith effort to make it accurate.

Considering how Richard had told me I should spank my son harder, and I simply could not spank hard enough to please him because it hurt my hand and I did not have enough strength–Just how hard was Tracy spanking the kids that even he said it was too hard?

She hit him. I saw her smack his arm in anger on a few occasions, but when I wasn’t around, she punched him. It sounded like she’d been physically battering him.

He didn’t hit back because she’s a woman.

But he said if she ever hit his face, he’d tell her, “You’re no longer a woman,” and fight back. He said you never hit a man in the face, and that in our state, she’d be the one going to jail because she started the fight and male judges would recognize that she started the fight by hitting him in the face.

This was frightening. But I was still forced to be best buds with her, or else.

I saw her give him intimidating looks, treat him so that I caught him looking at her warily as if she would beat him (verbally at least) if he did something “out of line,” and verbally abuse both loved ones and perceived enemies.

I heard her scream obscenities at the ex over the phone, and once, while talking about him on the Forum, she called him a n***er–that horrid word most decent people can’t even say.

She comes from a very dysfunctional and extremely abusive family.

I caught Richard lying to me–in church–because of her.

She’s jealous, possessive, controlling; she was angry with me for thinking so, but she did everything in her power to prove me correct.

She nagged and nitpicked and ordered him around.

As for Richard saying that no judge in our state would convict him if she hit him in the face–What, had he been asking about this? considering whether or not to hit her back? With his large size, he could kill her!

A quick online check of our state laws reveals that self-defense only allows him to use what force he needs to defend himself, not go beyond that.

One night while they lived in our house, I saw her hit him with an open hand–not in play the way women often do, the way that men like and laugh about, but an angry hit.

I often wonder if I’ll hear about them on the 6:00 news one of these days, if they’ll end up like another couple which recently ended with the girlfriend Josie raped, and James Cruckson dead of self-inflicted wounds, after shooting a policeman dead and severely wounding another.

Like her mother before her, Tracy broke her children’s spirits, though–unlike her mother–she didn’t do it on purpose.

She would banter her children into a screaming frenzy, then scream and cuss at them, and spank them too hard.

Then when Richard told her to STOP, she turned her ire on him: She used the excuse that he had abused them before, so she could do it, and (even though he no longer did the things she referred to) went on about how oh, he’s so perfect.

This practice is called echoing: Basically, the abuser finds a way to accuse the victim of doing what the abuser is doing, then uses it as license to continue the abuse:

Another very destructive habit which I have identified in my relationship I refer to as “echoing”. This habit takes two distinct forms. The object is to feel whatever the partner feels whenever an “attack” is detected by the abuser….
The second form is to accuse the partner of whatever the partner accuses them of.
Scenario 2:
Partner: Please don’t raise your voice at me.
Abuser (Screaming): You’re the one that’s yelling.
or
Partner: Please stop cutting me off and let me finish my sentence.
Abuser (angrily): You’re the one who cuts me off all of the time.
When the conversation is discussed later, the abuser quickly takes the opportunity to first accuse the partner of the infraction and seize the high ground.
The abuser will then take every opportunity in the future to accuse the partner of doing what they do saying “See, you do it too.” This is generally viewed by the abuser as a way out.
Anytime they accuse you of an action similar to one of their destructive actions, that is viewed by them as a license to do it at will and a “win”. –Abused Judge, An Analysis of the Abuser’s Language

Also: “Are you an abused man? Three Questions.” Quote: “My wife thinks I’m being abusive and controlling when I tell her her behavior is hurtful.”

Sounds familiar: Tracy told Richard he was being controlling when he told her she was behaving very badly to the children one day (he used the word b**chy when talking about it to me, but I don’t think he used it to her).

This article sounds like Tracy:

Have you ever wondered why your abusive wife, girlfriend or ex blames others, makes excuses or rages when you question her behavior?
Does she often act like an out of control child? Does arguing with her seem like a losing battle? Does she have a comeback for everything you say that pushes your buttons? When she’s angry, does she say “not fair” and that nothing’s her fault?
Does it feel like she sets traps for you during arguments? Have you ever wished you could put her in a timeout chair just like you would a toddler?…
Men who are in relationships with abusive women often say that they feel like they’re dealing with a child in an adult’s body in regards to their wife, girlfriend or ex.

Like many others in the same situation, Richard thought that loving her would change things. But from what I saw, this did not work. In 2010, I witnessed her cycling yet again. His love could never be enough to change someone that damaged: She must want to change herself.

The drama started to wear him down. This may explain why he betrayed me later: to get peace, because he was so beaten down by her that he had been betraying his own friends, first Todd and then me.

On April 2, 2009, I wrote to Jeff:

Yesterday, Carolyn Hax ran a column with a letter from a guy who’s been verbally abused constantly by his wife for the past three years…It has stirred quite the debate!…
I’ve been especially interested in light of what Richard told me [in the above e-mail/phone conversation], and encouraged by those who say it can be changed, and sometimes the marriage can even be salvaged in the process.
I have hopes for them, especially since they have 3 children and a 4th on the way. Though he told me things that make me seriously hope they don’t end up on the 6:00 news some night…..
He said it’s a power play. There should be no power plays in a marriage. That’s how you end up like Todd vs. Tracy on [the online game] last year…..

Jeff wrote back,

All behavior can be changed if the person in question wishes it, and no behavior can be changed externally.
If change is to take place, Tracy must be confronted about the matter, convinced of the destructive nature involved, so that she will buy in to the process of change.
If Richard submits to the abuse and bends to whatever Tracy wants, then the behavior is positively re-inforced. If he simply doesn’t fight back but rather becomes passive-aggressive, then the behavior is mentally justified.
Behavioral change comes when the subject (A) becomes aware of the need for change, (B) actively chooses to change, and (C) develops a means of supporting and encouraging change.
Just wanting to change isn’t enough: there must be something providing internal and/or external leverage to empower that change.
In order for others to participate at all, changed behavior needs to be observed and promptly rewarded. Negative re-inforcement, even if the individual is attempting change, does not benefit morale and therefore is not encouraging.
All behaviors are fundamentally based in positive re-inforcement. If Tracy is abusive, it is because it somehow makes her feel good.
That desire to feel good is fundamental, but must be given a different path to progress on.
See? I think about this kind of stuff – *a lot!*

Table of Contents

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

10. Grief

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13b. Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing

by Nyssa McCanmore
Posted on July 27, 2010July 12, 2017

Tracy’s unreasonable jealousy even as I take pains to be above reproach

Tracy saw everything I did through green-colored glasses. I was always careful to not cross the boundaries, to dress modestly, cover my cleavage when bending over in front of Richard, to only kiss his head or cheek if I kissed him at all (which was rare), to make sure my e-mails to him were about life and religion and such, etc. etc.

Yet she still saw everything I did through her jealousy, even my ingrained personality trait of being quiet!

Everyone I’ve ever known has commented on how quiet I am. Yet to her, my being quiet with her was proof that I was not to be trusted with her husband.

It was inevitable that one day it would all blow up, that somewhere I would mess up and she would refuse to believe she had completely misunderstood me.

I have already described why he was not sexually attractive, including poor hygiene. I occasionally find an overweight guy attractive, but he was morbidly obese.

Hygiene aside, I find infidelity to be disgusting. If I even get tempted, my moral objections flare up; while I can’t help being tempted or being attracted to someone else, my conscience keeps me from acting on it.

I love my husband, who complements me quite well; we get along quite well most of the time, which–from what we can tell–is more than can be said for far too many couples.

There were many things about Richard that I wouldn’t be able to stand in a husband, while Jeff wasn’t like that at all.

Jeff is like my other half; he’s my main confidante, so there is no danger of me confiding far more in any of my friends, male or female, than I do in him.

For me, Richard was someone to whom I could tell the things that would bother Jeff, such as details about past boyfriends, or religious musings that would actually upset Jeff (make him wonder if I was turning atheist or heretical or the like). While Richard was no stranger to religious questioning, and on the side of Orthodoxy.

So there was no danger of Richard usurping Jeff’s role, and I also did not want to usurp Tracy’s role.

In fact, whenever we went out in public, such as to church or the grocery store, I took pains to distance myself from Richard physically and tell anyone who misunderstood that no, we are not married, we are not “together,” we are just friends.

When he lived with us alone, I anxiously looked forward to Tracy’s arrival (once Richard secured an apartment) so she would be at his side during church, leaving my relationship to him more obvious.

(We sometimes went to other churches where our relationship to each other was not known. I’d spend the entire service worried that people thought we were married. Heck no!)

While visits with Richard were far too short, I was still quite happy to have him go to his own filthy house, with his own children and his own wife, and his extreme politics and coffee and other things I couldn’t stand–

while I stayed in my clean house with my little family and its moderate politics, no coffee, no alcohol (because we don’t like it), and other things that I preferred.

Also, after I had worked so hard to find the Truth and get access to the Eucharist–the very source of Life itself, direct access to the Holy Spirit and union with Christ–I wasn’t so stupid as to risk excommunication from the Chalice with the very person who brought me there.

I also kept my husband updated on our conversations and such. He never objected to the friendship, so it was never some shady, secret thing.

In fact, I’d often say, “Hey, I got to talk to Richard for an hour on the phone today,” or “We chatted for two hours online just now,” and Jeff would say, “Oh, good, I’m glad you finally got a chance to talk with him again.”

It’s also quite ridiculous that I even have to explain myself. One adult shouldn’t have to explain/defend his/her friendship choices. Yet I’ve actually encountered people who thought our relationship was somehow wrong–simply because Richard is a man and I’m a woman and we’re married to others!

It made me wonder if I’d slipped back 100 years or so. I thought such backward thinking had been eradicated a long time ago!

Until Tracy’s jealousy flared up and I encountered these people, I never felt the need to explain or defend this friendship to anyone!

If Tracy had been sweet, kind and accepting like most of my friends’ significant others, I would’ve loved her like a sister and freely given her hugs (once I got comfortable with her).

She’d probably make a terrible animal trainer, because instead of using love and kindness to draw me to her, she punished me with harshness for not being comfortable around her, chasing me further into my shell.

If only she would take the lesson from my son and one of our cats, a shy and skittish little thing: When he was little, he kept harassing her, so she became afraid of him and ran away from him. She still gets nervous around him and will sometimes bat at him.

But he grew out of his meanness, and I taught him to be kind and gentle with her, which, over time, is winning her over. If he kept being mean to her, she would never want anything to do with him. But now she’s finally beginning to warm up to him, take pets from him, even curl up on his lap.

Whenever I had to deal with false accusations (whether from Tracy or from clueless people on the Internet who don’t understand male-female friendships can be platonic and that it is possible to love without lust and sin), it was ridiculous:

There was no infidelity, no attempt from me to start infidelity, no attempts to get into his pants or even kiss him, except on the head or the cheek (like with a child or beloved brother).

Yet Tracy kept treating me like some kind of ho who doesn’t understand boundaries, as if I were her own ex-friends who apparently did try to screw around with her boyfriends.

To me, she was the one acting extremely inappropriately–Heck, an ex (Phil) had called me “possessive” for far less (not wanting to hear about his lust for others)! A friend (Catherine) accused me of having Jeff “on a long leash” for far less (not wanting him to share a hotel room with her)!

If I behaved with any of my boyfriends or husband the way she behaved with Richard, I would’ve been unceremoniously dumped immediately.

Tracy’s behavior transgressed boundaries, showing her belief that she could yell or scream or bully anybody she liked, showing a desire to gain control over others/her husband. It was possessiveness, jealousy without cause.

I believe no one has the right to behave this way with a spouse:

to pre-approve his/her friends
to control what he/she can or can’t do with friends who haven’t been “approved” (short of infidelity)
to tell him/her to stop being friends with someone and get mad because that friend’s name was on his/her cell phone call list
to chase away his/her friends (such as Todd or me)
to act jealous of his/her friends
to yell and scream and/or want to kill as a knee-jerk reaction to anything less than a liplock or groping or finding proof he/she has slept with somebody else
to go through his/her cell phone logs, e-mails or pockets without legitimate reason/permission

I believe that anyone who thinks a spouse does have the right to behave this way, has serious control and boundary issues–unless the spouse slept with somebody else.

This is a serious red flag of abuse from this person, so it’s best to get out ASAP, before you find all your friends/family gone and yourself locked into marriage/parenthood with a control freak and domestic abuser.

Every website on abuse I check, seems to list jealousy and isolation from friends/family as major signs of abuse.

In fact, on Facebook an old classmate asked if his girlfriend’s behavior (checking his phone, calling it her “right”) was legitimate. The responses were a resounding NO, this is not right, and you need to trust someone and give him room for friendships. One said RUN!

But Tracy blamed others for this behavior and grew angry and accusatory when they objected. It was all quite maddening, more of Alice in the rabbit hole.

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