First of all, Neurotech has come out with a swan song album which is hauntingly beautiful. It sounds like it was influenced by Dream Theater, but with an electronic sound. This is the entire album, posted by the artist himself; he also provides links to buy a copy:
Now, Eisbrecher’s “Was Ist Hier Los?” original mix:
Gary Numan’s new video. Remember him, the guy who did “Cars” and a bunch of other New Wave hits back in the 80s? Well, he came back some years ago and gathered up a cult following among Goths with updated electronica. His latest video features his real-life daughter in a post-apocalyptic setting. The album is based on a story idea which has been hanging around in his head for many years (I know what that’s like). The video is “My Name is Ruin”:
And I will leave you with another hauntingly beautiful electronic song, “Diskonnekted” by Yesteryears:
As I wrote a year and a half ago in Fighting the Darkness, there are a whole slew of songs and albums I couldn’t listen to after the friendship breakup with Richard, because they were too painful, reminded me too much of him.
Pretty much my entire Goth collection was included. I listened to steampunk and rock/metal mostly, to get away from it for a while.
I can tell it’s getting better, though, because several months ago, I began listening to my Goth station on Pandora.com again, began listening to my collection again.
It’s still far too painful to listen to certain bands/songs, though: “Headhunter,” certain New Order songs, Sisters of Mercy, Dead Can Dance, and the Siouxsie and Birthday Massacre CDs which arrived and got “stuck” in the CD player while Richard lived with us.
But as for the rest–Going without my Goth music is like being in a desert for nearly two years, even with the new wonders of steampunk and the old familiarity of rock/metal.
I was starving, I was parched; I couldn’t go without it anymore. I listen to my Wolfsheim MP3s as if I had been deprived of them for years.
The power of music to bring back memories, and the way music is filled with various associations from your own life–where you were when you listened to it, the friend who introduced it to you, what you were doing–this is well known and documented.
Unfortunately, it also means that old favorites start reminding you of things you can’t stand to remember, at least for now.
The most amazing part is discovering that losing a best friend is far more painful, with far longer-lasting pain, than breaking up with someone you were dating. Maybe it’s because–even if you thought that person was the “One”–you soon realize that dating relationships usually end eventually.
A best friend is supposed to be forever. They’re supposed to have your back no matter what; even if you move away, you can still friend them on Facebook or send them e-mails. They’re supposed to be there to mend your heart when it’s broken.
While with ex-boyfriends etc., you eventually realize that couples just aren’t always meant to stay together forever, and you get past it. It’s not a betrayal to break up with a boyfriend/girlfriend, and one day you may even be friends again.
But breaking up with a friend–that’s it. You can’t “just be friends” because you already were friends and that ended.
I have to face the truth about Richard’s character, that it is not what I thought it was, that he is a terrible, horrible, abusive, malicious narcissist.
There’s no way to go back to this “friend” because of his lack of remorse for what he did to Jeff and me and (from what he wrote to me) for what he did to his kid…
…no hope anymore that he will change his ways…
…nothing but recollections so painful that I can’t listen to music that reminds me of him anymore. Not even old favorites.
[Update 9/13/12: I always associated the song “Wings of a Butterfly” by HIM with Richard because it came out around the time we were becoming friends online/on the phone, and I downloaded and played it all the time then. Right after it on my MP3 list was “Speed of Sound” by Coldplay, so the two became linked in my mind as well. Today, “Speed of Sound” came on the radio, and I had to squeeze away the tears.]
As it turns out, music and religion both bring such powerful associations. For many months, I could barely get through a church service without tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. The word “mysteries” was just as painful as listening to one of the songs above….
Godsmack–Whatever And I don’t need your Sh*t today You’re pathetic In your own way
I feel for you Better fuckin’ go away I will be here Better fuckin’ go away
And I’m doing the best I ever did I’m doing the best that I can And I’m doing the best I ever did
Morrissey–Suedehead Why do you come here When you know it makes things hard for me? When you know, oh Why do you come?
It was because Everything that I did I wrote it down On the wall You had to sneak into my room ‘just’ to read my diary
Oh, it was just to see, just to see (all the things you knew I’d written about you…) And oh so many illustrations Oh, but I’m so very sickened Oh, I am so sickened now
Mary J. Blige–No More Drama NO MORE DRAMA No more drama in my life So tired, tired of this drama
Steve Taylor–Svengali Oh, Svengali Wide eyes mesmerize Ain’t he clever Cry out oh Svengali
Whiteheart–Dr. Jekyll Mr. Christian Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Christian, It’s a mask you wear to hide, You got a notion God’s a potion, and it works most every time, Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Christian.
Experimented with your eyes just to get a bigger piece of pie, I really think you do believe, yet you use religion to deceive, So when it’s time for you-know-who you feel the change come over you.
Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Christian, It’s a mask you wear to hide, You got a notion God’s your potion, and it works most every time, Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Christian, What is faith? What is a lie? Don’t you know that, can’t you see that God is not your alibi?
Wolfsheim–Find You’re Gone It seems I’m glad… I find you’re gone I find you’re gone… I find you’re gone…
Peter Heppner (of Wolfsheim)–I Hate You You may think I will forget, and that time will wash away all the things you should regret. But I will find a way: do not think I can’t wait. I hate you from the bottom of my heart. I hate you. I hate you from the bottom of my heart. I hate you– I’ll kick and I’ll break you, and I won’t tear myself apart. I hate you. I hate you from the bottom of my heart, of my heart. You can’t make your words unsaid, and no matter how much you ever try to make me forget,
Shinedown–Bully It’s 8 AM, this hell I’m in Seems I’ve crossed a line again For being nothing more than who I am So break my bones and throw your stones We all know that life ain’t fair But there’s more of us we’re everywhere We don’t have to take this back against the wall We don’t have to take this we can end it all All you’ll ever be is a faded memory of a bully Make another joke while they hang another rope so lonely Push them to the dirt till the words don’t hurt can you hear me No one’s gonna cry on the very day you die you’re a bully
Sick Puppies–You’re Going Down If it’s a fight I’m ready to go I wouldn’t put my money on the other guy If you know what I know that I know
It’s been a long time coming And the tables’ turned around Cause one of us is goin’ One of us is goin’ down I’m not running, it’s a little different now Cause one of us is goin’ One of us is goin’ down
[Please comment on original post. I opened it for people who want to discuss their own painful music associations.]
And now the newest one, Sins of Mine (Apoptygma Berserk Extended Version) by Mortiis, which you can buy here (name your price). I know the guy looks scary–like an evil undead elf–but you’ll be surprised by how melodic and pretty the song is:
Now for Laibach, in my list since March:
Das Spiel Ist Aus (Remix):
And, downloaded in early May, Hanzel und Gretyl’s Third Reich from the Sun. No, they are NOT Nazis, and not German, either, even though apparently some neo-Nazis don’t get it. This is part of a concept album they did: “The duo’s third release, Uber Alles, takes us on their distorted space journey where they battle evil dictators to save the earth…. ‘To those who are experiencing our music for the first time, we would like to state for the record that we are neither Nazis nor fascists'” (Kaffeine Buzz). That over with, here’s the song: