NLD

Life Updates, Driving Anxiety, and Abusive Ex

It’s been quite a while since my last post!  I have basically been focused on things like church and personal issues for the past year, and ditching politics except for small doses to keep up.  My faith crisis corresponded with the discovery of how much a friend actually cared about me….In October my health took a drastic change, and in November the doctor found a simple endometrial hyperplasia.  In other words, precancerous.  I’m under treatment and the last biopsy showed no more hyperplasia.  But I have to keep getting periodic biopsies for a while.  So my perimenopause is sucking.  The past year and a half has been a wild ride, very stressful and always on my mind.  This while I also finally got my latest book published, Doctor Bismarck: A Tale of Obsession.  Also went to a few Goth Industrial concerts over the past year or two, which was amazing: Gary Numan, VNV Nation, KMFDM, Ministry/Numan/Front Line Assembly.  Discovered Chant and Traitrs, which were side-acts.  Almost got injured during the Ministry concert by moshers.  Things have happened; I’ve just been posting about it on Facebook or in e-mails to friends instead of here.

Found a couple of things the past couple of days that I finally wanted to write about:

First, DL Mayfield posted Autism and Driving Anxiety on Tuesday.  I researched nearby doctors and my insurance last year and discovered that I can’t afford an official diagnosis, so I still figure I land somewhere between Asperger’s and NVLD, without knowing for sure.  Could be both, could be one or the other.  It’s definitely at least one of them.  And here is more evidence, yet another story from someone with an official diagnosis with driving issues.  Her story sounds very familiar, with quotes such as:

In general here is a snapshot of the research: it seems that one third of able autistic people drive independently. In comparison, about 80 percent of non-autistic people get their driver’s license. Another study showed that despite high levels of interest, only one in three autistic adolescents obtain their driving license.

The most common reason autistic people choose not to drive a car is due to fear and anxiety, whether due to executive dysfunction, overstimulation, hypervigilance, anticipatory anxiety, or other factors. What is hard is that for many people in a car-centric society like the US, a driver’s license can be key to mobility, employment, and social interactions — which all impact mental health. Public transport can also be non-existent, overstimulating, or simply inaccessible to autistic people, leaving people to be dependent on cars to get their basic needs met.

But here in the U.S., most teenagers are pressured or at least encouraged to obtain their driver’s license as a sign they are entering “adulthood.” So what happens when this isn’t a possibility for us — or when driving causes us more harm than we realize? Perhaps today we can slowly begin to ask questions about the systems that capitalism claims are normal (and beneficial), but which impact marginalized people more than others.

…But when we drove to the bigger town 30 minutes away and I got behind the wheel with the DMV instructor next to me, I felt as though I was floating. It didn’t feel like I was driving, but like I was playing a video game.

…Any chance I could get, I was trying to get other people to drive my car or I would bum rides off of other people. My older sister was the main person in my life who has always driven me around but I would try and get ANYONE else to drive all throughout my 20s. Since I was squarely in my manic-pixie-dream-autistic phase, people must have just thought I was quirky, I guess? What didn’t help was the fact that I never had money and most of the cars I drove were pieces of junk (some without power steering) and I also got in a succession of minor fender benders during these years.

…I could barely force myself to drive to my doctor’s appointments once every few days, and as I drove I felt like my world was narrowing in. Smaller smaller smaller. I didn’t want to go anywhere and I felt sickening dread at the thought of driving, but I didn’t know how to tell anyone. This isn’t how a grown-ass adult is supposed to feel, right?

…Friends would ask to meet up somewhere and when I showed up inwardly I would be a mess from the journey, but unable to process or even admit how stressful it was for me to drive to another neighborhood or a new-to-me location. I felt so embarrassed by the amount of anxiety driving caused me, and I often felt like I was the only person in the world who couldn’t seem to get a handle on this one element of being an “adult”.

But now, a few years into my autism diagnosis and learning about disability, I can start to offer myself a bit of curiosity and compassion. I think about the last few decades of my life when it comes to driving and I see: anticipatory anxiety, executive dysfunction, dissociation, intrusive thoughts, emotional overwhelm, anxiety attacks, triggering of past driving-related traumas . . . and wow. No wonder that when my life gets more stressful my ability to drive without anxiety seems to fly right out the window.

…But I am astonished at the lack of research, resources, and spaces for people to process their driving anxiety and how it impacts their life.

I’ve written about this here, a post which was also shared on the podcast Living With NLD by Jennifer Purcell.  I’ve been shamed for my driving anxiety, even by someone who called himself my husband for a time.  He complained every time I needed his help getting someplace, telling me I should be doing it myself, even though I was a puddle of nerves every time I tried to drive.  He even complained about taking me to get some milk and orange juice for my breakfast after I moved into my dorm and had no car and no way to get into town.  I still occasionally have nightmares about driving even though I stopped doing it 20+ years ago.  Because of Phil and others, I have felt shame for not being able to drive, even though I have gotten into accidents and had various problems because of my visual-spatial issues.  There is a stigma placed on this, as if you are somehow not “adulting” properly and just need to apply yourself and you’ll be fine.

Another thing I discovered is also related to Phil.  I read this post on Reddit about Catholic marriage counseling in the 90s, when Phil and I were officially engaged (and unofficially married).  He insisted that we use Natural Family Planning; I tried to find information and materials for it, but struggled, since this was before Google and the Internet explosion, and I had to rely on what I found in health books and the local stores.  There was a bit about testing PH, so I thought, PH paper.  PH paper does exist–we used it in science class, after all–but I couldn’t find it anywhere, and didn’t know where to look.  (Nowadays you can get it on Amazon!)  I was very confused by how to do NFP accurately, especially since I had irregular cycles and was getting very strange results and periods that didn’t match what the books said I was supposed to have.  Some of the directions made no sense.

So I asked Phil if we could get more information from the local NFP clinic.  We tried calling but there was no answer.  But he refused to pursue it, because he was afraid they would refuse to teach me because we weren’t officially married yet and it would encourage premarital sex.  Yet the post on Reddit said that engaged couples were required to go through marriage prep that included NFP training!  (And that there were couples already living together who went through this marriage prep.)  Meanwhile, whenever I was in what appeared to be a “fertile” time and he got horny, he’d beg me to have sex, saying, “Don’t you want a beautiful baby boy?”

I swear it feels like Phil was deliberately trying to sabotage my efforts, like he wanted to trap me in a pregnancy, like what happened to the girl he eventually legally married (and later divorced).

 

 

 

 

 

ASD / NVLD diagnoses, bad friends, and political PTSD

Some people insist that people can’t “label” themselves without a diagnosis–whether it’s NVLD or Asperger’s or whatever else is out there.  But here are a few things to consider:

1) Getting or not getting a diagnosis doesn’t make your issues disappear or appear.  If you have NVLD or Asperger’s, you still have it whether or not you’re officially diagnosed with it.  And you know your brain better than anybody else does.

2) We have a well-known autism center right here in town and connected to the hospital.  The founder used to help NVLD students as well as autistic ones.  But the cost of diagnosis is $4,500–if you’re a child.  If you’re an adult, they won’t even evaluate you.

3) This article by Devon Price points out various problems people can encounter before and after getting a diagnosis: Seeking an Autism Diagnosis? Here’s Why You Might Want to Rethink That/ Know the costs — and the legal risks.

For example:

Very few insurance plans cover Autism assessments for adults at all, so most diagnosis-seekers will have to pay out of pocket.

…To this day, many Autism assessors won’t even see adults at all. Even those who do frequently rely on evaluation instruments that were developed for children.

…I hear from women who have been turned away from an Autism evaluation because “women aren’t Autistic” on a shockingly frequent basis. It’s not unusual for potentially Autistic people to be rejected from diagnosis for things like being “too polite,” wearing makeup, or having any friends.

…There is no therapeutic “treatment” for Autism, no way for Autistic traits to be reduced or “cured,” and most in our community consider the idea of curing Autism to be deeply dangerous anyway.

…What we really need, then, is the acceptance and support necessary to live more freely as ourselves (which has been demonstrated to carry many psychological benefits).

[Note: I have said the same thing regarding various traits, such as NVLD, selective mutism, and introversion.  Even before I knew anything about these traits, I resented being told that I had to change, rather than other people accepting me for the way I am.  ABA is related to gay conversion therapy and should be viewed the same–along with attempts to punish/”change” the NVLDer or introvert.]

…An Autism Diagnosis Can Impede Your Gender Transition

…In many countries, it is impossible to immigrate and become a citizen if you are Autistic — or if you have an Autistic child.

…Diagnosed Autistics Can Lose Their Legal Autonomy

An ableist person who does not respect you will not suddenly begin respecting you the moment a psychiatrist says you have a ‘disorder.’ If anything, a person who once doubted the existence of your disability will simply turn around and use your diagnosis to discredit your judgement once you have it.

A diagnosis is not what makes a person Autistic. Autistics existed long before psychiatry decided there was something ‘wrong’ with us, and we will remain long after it ceases to do so. You get to decide for yourself if the label “Autistic” is useful to you, if it helps you understand yourself better, communicate who you are to others, and advocate for your specific boundaries and needs. Nearly all Autistic community spaces vocally support self-diagnosis, and consider inquiring into a person’s diagnosis status to be pointless and impolite.

…And various other things which are far too numerous too name.  Note that at the end, the author does also list reasons TO get diagnosed, so he’s not just a Negative Nelly.

I know very well what it’s like to know you have something going on in your head–to have it reinforced repeatedly throughout your life through, say, traffic accidents, difficulty making proper judgment calls, people ghosting or mocking you, bullying, teachers complaining about your handwriting or your trouble understanding directions, getting lost, on and on.  Yet you tell people you have a disorder, and they don’t believe you.

I see the traits and read message boards for people with NVLD and Asperger’s, and identify with a huge number of them.  It explains everything I’ve ever gone through.  On August 26, 2010, I took the autism spectrum quotient test and scored 33–which means “clinically significant levels of autistic traits.”

I envy young people with these disorders because they’re more likely to have been diagnosed early and have somebody helping them, so while they still struggle with many things, they seem to be doing much better than I ever did.  When I was a kid and young adult, people just dismissed it all as a character flaw and yelled at you, putting you out in the world and expecting you to just figure things out.  If you didn’t, you were called babyish or told to try harder.  Now kids get IEPs and help dealing with social situations.  They get a diagnosis early that tells them it’s not just them being weird, that there are others like them and it’s okay.

At the same time, it’s troubling to think of all the things people have bullied/criticized/abused me for doing, which research has proven all trace back to NVLD/Asperger’s.  I want to go back in time and bop them on the head for being ableist and abusing somebody with autism.  People reject or scold or mock or abuse me over and over again for traits I didn’t ask for and have no control over.  Or they deny I have NVLD or Asperger’s, while complaining about the very traits that prove I have them!

I now know that my stint in counseling in college would’ve gone much better if either I or my counselor had known anything about learning disabilities.  I was looking for an explanation of why people kept mistreating me yet I didn’t know how to stop it; she kept going on about things like meeting people and conquering shyness.  It didn’t feel helpful at all, and then I ran out of free sessions.

It wasn’t helpful because my splenium is likely small, hindering communication between the left and right parts of the brain.  If somebody can fix that, my issues will probably melt away!  Maybe I would have an accurate view of where the traffic is.  Maybe I would no longer have weird visual illusions that distort the angle of the road and make me almost run into someone.  Maybe I would know what to do in a split-second crisis, or stop getting lost inside a building.  Maybe I would read people properly and know when and how to enter a conversation.  Maybe I would know if someone is manipulating me.  Conquering shyness does nothing to help that.

So I know what this is like, along with what it’s like to have people dismiss what you know very well is true, simply because some professional has not diagnosed you.  But these disorders existed long before diagnoses ever did.  And as I have discovered, getting that diagnosis is a lot harder for adults.  NVLD still isn’t in the DSM–though it used to be, and there are talks of putting it back in with a changed label to make it more accurate.  (Nonverbal doesn’t mean we can’t speak!)  And both that and autism can be prohibitively expensive to diagnose.  There is no medication for NVLD and research, I’m told, has stalled.  Treatments can be expensive as well, and since it isn’t in the DSM, it’s not covered by the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act.

I’m currently going through depression from a combination of 1) PTSD after many years of divisive politics, leading to increasing withdrawal from social situations; and 2) finding out I’ve been blocked online by somebody I considered a friend.  This is not the first time I’ve been ghosted by someone without a disagreement, an argument, an explanation, or even a word.  I have no idea they even have a problem with me, and suddenly they’re gone.  And this person–the story I got through a third party turned out not to be true.  I only ghost people who are bullies or bigots, I’m not a bully, and do my best not to be a bigot.  So being ghosted by someone I never argue with–I don’t understand it at all.  One person I knew in real life ghosted me several times, the last time a few years ago.  I still have no idea why she ghosted me any of those times.

As for the online friend, the initial ghosting and blocking was a while ago.  I had sent an apology through that third party, since she had blocked me.  Then I found out the story I got wasn’t true, so I don’t even know why she blocked me the first time, or why she unblocked me but then blocked me again after I sent a friend request.  We had never argued or disagreed about anything!  I had stuck up for her and helped her!  I found out about the second block this past week, since it had been such a long time since I sent the request.  This drove me into a deep funk, where everything that ever went wrong for me socially began replaying in my mind.

Many years ago, I stopped going to SCA events because it felt like every time, somebody would start badmouthing my faith, when they weren’t telling me to talk more or to smile.  Nowadays, it seems like every time I go to a social event, including church, somebody starts ranting about trans kids, or liberals, or CRT, or people taking sensible COVID precautions, or being called racist (when they’ve just been spouting racist crap).  I wonder if this is what it was like for Southerners against slavery in the 1850s, Southerners against Jim Crow in the 1950s, friends of Jews in Nazi Germany….Did they find most people around them to be intolerable?  Did they feel like fake allies if they didn’t leave their support systems?  Were they afraid to speak out?  Did they leave their churches or best friends or families?

This is not the church I signed up for.  This is not what the social events used to be like.  It hurts to go to these places–trauma and PTSD–so I’ve started withdrawing because of it, just as I did with the SCA.  Withdrawing is also because it feels like I shouldn’t associate with people who do this.  But what about the people in your immediate family?  I’ve had to unfriend people on Facebook who I still see in real life at group events; that one’s especially tough.  You hope they don’t mention it.  And–just like post-SCA–it’s made me feel lonely and depressed.

When you have issues making friends, and these are your family/support system, you feel like you either have to stay with them or be alone.

Meanwhile you may lose sight of the good friends you still have who have stuck with you and are not fanatics, along with new friends who are kindred spirits.  You may forget that, for example, one of the people in that group which your husband separated from–thereby shrinking your own circle–was a child abuser who popped her kid’s mouth for using her own bad words and laughed about pulling his ears.  Or that friend who ghosted you without ever explaining why, if that’s how they treat you, then maybe you’re better off.

So I thought, “I’ve gotta go to the local autism center for help”–only to find out they won’t evaluate me because I’m 49 years old.  Their online resources are geared toward kids.

So I turned to the Net and found one place in Mequon which evaluates adults for both autism and NVLD–but according to my insurance company’s online tool, they appear to be out of network.  So I’d be stuck paying at least $2000 out of pocket.  Rough estimate given on the website for the Mequon center: $210/hour for 14 hours is almost $3,000.  Ow.  Really don’t need that charge on our credit card.  Found another place in Madison which evaluates adults and looks awesome (all the doctors are women)–but states right on their site that they’re not in network, so I’d be paying the entire cost myself.  The quote is $3,000-$3,500.  ARGH

Our insurer may pay for ABA (that torture treatment mentioned above) and other autism treatments, but won’t pay for neuropsych testing that’s not “medically necessary.”

So getting officially diagnosed may be completely out of reach for a lot of people.  We shouldn’t be bullied and disbelieved by ableists just because we can’t get a diagnosis.  We know our own brain better than anybody else does.

This is me–This is my life–NVLD

I’m listening to this podcast: Is it You, Me, or NVLD? by Linda Karanzalis, MS, BCCS.

I’ve read a lot about NVLD over the past 20 years, but just hearing it all in one place is tremendously validating, because–as the person doing the podcast says–it’s ignored by the DSM and doesn’t get proper research or help for people suffering from NVLD.  She also has NVLD herself, and knows from personal experience what it’s really like, not the detached view of a researcher.

Because it’s not in the DSM, despite being different from other “official” disabilities like autism or dyslexia, people don’t recognize it or excuse behaviors.  How many of you have heard of autism?  How many of you have heard of NVLD?

The best way I can describe it is “It’s sort of like autism” because people know what that is.  But that brings up images that don’t fit what we’re dealing with.  We’re not, for example, the kid so overwhelmed by sensory input that he has to sit and rock.  Because we don’t have obvious problems, people don’t understand, and we get terribly misjudged and rejected continuously.

I’m now going to vent a bit, including bad language.  People with NVLD, or who know somebody with it, might find this part validating.  People who just wonder what NVLD is, may want to skip this part.  If not, be warned.

But when you read my blog again, Richard and Tracy, because I know you will, it’s also for you.  And for anybody else who’s ever bullied me over the years.  No, I wasn’t making any of it up, I wasn’t able to “change” to suit you, so FUCK YOU Richard and Tracy.

Everything I’m hearing in that podcast is me.  For example (and all these examples are taken from ones given by the podcaster) :

Yes, I identify with a lot of the same challenges faced by people with autism/Asperger’s, but I’m not content to just be by myself all the time.  I do engage socially but keep getting rejected ALL MY FRICKIN’ LIFE.

Yes, people say bad things about me when none of them are true.

Yes, people treat me like I’m just being defiant, or rude, or mean, or get upset when I ask questions, or I get upset because somebody said something but later say they didn’t say that or mean that.

Yes, I have trouble with someone getting upset with me because my thinking tends to be literal.

To this day I feel weird watching a pot because I know it won’t boil until I look away.

Yes, people have tried to manipulate me, and I tend to stay in relationships (of any type) for too long because of either needing help (since I have these issues that make me dependent), or the desperate need by NVLDers for friendships.

I’m not sure, but wonder if certain times in my life where people got mad at me were because I missed that their words did not match up with their nonverbal cues.

FUCK YOU Shawn, who said all sorts of horrible things about me and my character after seducing me, and refused to date me because I wasn’t extroverted.

Yes, I have trouble changing plans even when it’s for something fun, or at least I did when I was younger.  (I’m more flexible now.)  Boyfriends actually chided me for this.  One called me a party pooper.

FUCK YOU Phil’s flying monkey friend who scolded me for not being extroverted and participated in Phil’s attempts to isolate and control me.

So many people have treated me like a baby or I’m irresponsible because I’m afraid to drive.  But when I did drive, my fears were reinforced because my learning challenges caused all sorts of near-accidents and getting terribly lost and other problems.  The podcaster says that most kids with NVLD are scared to learn to drive, unlike their peers.  So FUCK YOU Phil, who endlessly bullied me because I wouldn’t drive, and refused to take me places, so I couldn’t go but still needed to.

Yes, I’ve been suicidal.

Yes, I still get bullied, still hear people laugh at me or make snide comments.  Some I can’t ditch, some I’ve distanced myself from or dropped, some are people in situations where you can’t really do much about it.

Yes, I have trauma from this, and PTSD from all the bullying I’ve gotten over the years.  Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria sounds familiar, though I’m not sure it’s that extreme.  I can get very angry, and sometimes I express it and get punished, so other times I bottle it up and writing becomes my only outlet.  This is why I post things here, online.  It’s also why I occasionally use cuss words here online, because I never do that in real life speech.  It’s release but violates social rules.

Yes, COVID has been easier for me because I’m already used to only limited social contact.

Most of my teachers were great, but some of them talked down to me, called me babyish, said things like “You’re the only person who never makes noise when someone is talking to you,” said I was behaving wrong or didn’t put my hand up or participate enough or apply myself enough.  One put red marks all over my papers saying I was doing it wrong, even though not only did I have NVLD to deal with, but I was also trying to understand directions in French.

Then there was the supervisor who told me I had to be more sociable because people were “scared” of me.  I’m a kind, gentle person with strict rules on how to treat people, so this was ridiculous.  Executive functioning combined with a long drive and one shared bathroom left me with little time to socialize before work.  I got validated, however, when the owner of the company said people were socializing too much and were supposed to be there to work.

Yes, the podcaster says you can diagnose yourself, pointing to the fact that it is very expensive to get it professionally done and it isn’t officially recognized.  She sees that we’re not making ourselves into victims with the label (FUCK YOU again Richard), because she says it’s a relief to find this out.  It helps you move forward.

She says to get rid of “friends” who don’t support you or believe that you have NVLD, because they are toxic to you (once again, FUCK YOU Richard and Tracy).

Oh yeah, and on her website I see she got stomach ulcers from the stress of school.  So did I!

She described the difficulty in NVLDers finding and keeping friends.  This drives us, she says, to hold onto relationships that are bad for us.

This is also, by the way, one of the biggest reasons why I am so against people who say opposite-sex friendships for married people are VERBOTEN.  If I believed that, I’d have very few friends at all.  I don’t usually befriend males who are, like, captain of the soccer team or a model or anything like that.  They are the geeks, the nerds, the ones who go to the comic book stores at age 35.  They are ones who already understand what it’s like to be an outcast.  Or maybe they’re just an introvert, but that has its own social challenges in Western society.  They “get” me instead of making fun of me.  They’re happy that I “get” them.

And when that happens, when we have things in common and get along, I don’t care if you’re 15 or 20 years younger than I am (that age group is now pushing 30), or if you’re 10 years older than me, or if you’re male or female.  Friends are rare and must be valued no matter where they come from.  So I will fight you to the (non-literal) death if you tell me I have to give up my friend just because he happens to be a guy and I happen to be married.

So that’s how I identify with the traits and observations put forward in the podcast.  I recommend giving it a listen.

I found someone like me who records memories for future self

I was reading a blog on NVLD when I came across a comment by Shava Nerad which read, in part,

My episodic memory is pretty good, but spotty. I can remember things going back to my toddler years. I started trying to remember events of my life when I was about eight years old when I realized that most adults didn’t remember what it was like to be a child anymore, and had the foresight as a gifted kid to try to “record” my memories for my future self so this wouldn’t be my fate (it worked!). My idea of my unfathomably ancient future self, in my mind at the time, was me-at-forty, lol, and here I am at nearly 60, still quite easily remembering my internal states as a kid.

I did this, too: When I was maybe ten, I read the Little House books, assumed they were all based on memory (not knowing that Wilder did some fictionalizing), and wanted to be able to do the same thing when I got older.  So I asked my psychologist to hypnotize me to remember everything.  I also started writing down everything, in diaries and letters and journals, and then backing them up: typing them, copying them, saving them on computers, locking them in fireproof vaults.  As I got older, saving e-mails became a new way of remembering.  Nowadays, I do my saving electronically, which is much easier to find room for and access at will.

So just like Nerad, I can remember many things from as far back as age one because I was determined to remember them.  I wrote down many old memories into Word Perfect; there are many things I’ve forgotten which I remember by looking back through these journals.  They are valuable to me, no matter if anybody else cares about the things I write about.  Even if nobody reads much of the memoirs I’ve posted here on my website, they are there for me to re-read and search through whenever I want to remember something.

And yes, I remember vividly what it was like to be a kid, to be a teenager, even at the ripe old age of 47.  😉  So when I see somebody my age post a comment online like, “Back in MY day, we didn’t act up in class/disrespect our parents/act like today’s spoiled rotten kids/etc. etc.,” I can say, “Um, yes, you did.  You were just as bad.  Spanking didn’t stop you.”

Too bad I can’t post a reply to Nerad.  I mean, I could, but this person’s comment was posted two and a half years ago….

Chris Rock has NVLD

When I saw the article blurb on my browser, and they just said “learning disability”–rather than saying “dyslexia” or “autism” etc. — I just knew what kind of learning disability Chris Rock had been diagnosed with.  So I read it and sure enough:

The far bigger commitment has been therapy, however; seven hours a week, he says with unmistakable pride. His decision to seek meaningful help for the first time in his life was precipitated by a friend’s suggestion that he may have Asperger’s. It prompted a nine-hour battery of cognitive tests earlier this year, from which doctors diagnosed Rock with a condition called nonverbal learning disorder, or NVLD. As he’s come to understand it, he has tremendous difficulty with non-verbal signals — which doesn’t sound too drastic until, as he explains, you consider that some 80 percent of communication is nonverbal. “And all I understand are the words,” he says.

Rock often takes things too literally as a result and, like others with the condition, suffers from a kind of all-or-nothing thinking. “By the way, all of those things are really great for writing jokes — they’re just not great for one-on-one relationships,” he says. Until now, it’s made much of Rock’s life uncomfortable. “And I’d always just chalked it up to being famous. Any time someone would respond to me in a negative way, I’d think, ‘Whatever, they’re responding to something that has to do with who they think I am.’ Now, I’m realizing it was me. A lot of it was me.”

You can read it in “This Is the Best Part I’ve Ever Had”: Chris Rock Talks ‘Fargo,’ Aging and Why He’s Spending 7 Hours a Week in Therapy