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Fighting the Darkness: Breaking the Power of Narcissists

[This is one of my most popular posts.]

I Spy With My Little Eye…A Blog Stalker?

The trouble with dealing with narcissists is that they can still manipulate you as long as you are still emotionally connected to them.  It is necessary to break free of that power they have over you, so they can no longer touch you, no matter what they do.  My purpose now is to break that power.

Tracy and, possibly, Richard, who seems to have been recruited to this as well (along with one friend who was also recruited but is blocked from my Facebook now), have been playing games with my head for the past several weeks, but in such a subtle way as to make me look like the crazy one.

First, after reading all my blogs in (from what they said to me) narcissistic glee, they sent me a nasty e-mail that twisted the truth, denied their abuses and bullying, tried to turn everything around on me, and laughed at me for being upset about the things they did; they threatened to sue me if I went to my priest for help.

They know I don’t want them on this blog anymore since their purpose is malicious, so they found a way around my blocks and have been checking it constantly.  They know I don’t want to see them, so they’ve been putting themselves right where I can see them.

The purpose is to screw with my mind and take me down.  If everyone thinks I’m crazy, then I’m the one discredited, and they get away with what they did.  It is one massive mind screw.

So I have two choices: give in to the mind screw and let them take me down, or fight back by removing the power from them to do this.

Tracy has always been very competitive, playing her games–whether Risk, or online games, or the game she’s playing in your head–to win.  It’s not about you at all.  She has identified and is exploiting my vulnerabilities, which is what you do in war.

She obviously sees me as a threat, or else why would she do all this?  If you really think I’m so “not all there,” then just laugh and ignore my lunatic ravings.

My priest has told me not to check my blog stats for a while, even though it does serve a legitimate purpose of seeing if anyone (besides various bots, which are peskily numerous) is actually reading what I post, and even though bloggers typically want to know who’s reading.  But the purpose of fasting from the stats is to make Richard and Tracy vanish.

The narcissist central focus is control. The narcissist is interested in controlling emotions and fostering a sense of attachment to his victims even when he is no longer physically a part of their lives.

Mind games are essentially utilized to torture the victim and to take over the mental processes of the victim. This negation of thoughts and cogitation is fostered by keeping the victim attached to the narcissistic ex partner through inferences, drafting and keeping the victim connected to the situation that she desperately needs to overcome….

Do not allow the narcissist to exploit you and play games with your mind.  Do not permit someone to have dominion over your thoughts and your private moments.

They are yours; seize them now before it is too late. Get your control back but before you lose not just only a love interest but your sanity, pride and maybe your life. –Crystal Evans, Why the Narcissist Loves Mind Games

You have the option of knowing what he is up to and therefore not allowing yourself to be taken in by his games. The narcissist will prey on you only as long as you let him. —Tigress Luv, Narcissistic Mind Games

I know that, in my own experience, getting in touch with my feelings was the turning point. I started to explore my feelings, asking myself just exactly how this stuff was making me feel. I mean that I dug deep until I could put my finger on exactly HOW a thing made me feel.

Did it make me feel violated in some way? Did it make me feel like two cents waiting for change? And so on.

And then I zeroed in on why what the narc did made me feel that way.  Guess what? I discovered that all my feelings were perfectly natural and that I was just being normal and human for feeling that way.

I also saw that the narcissist was deliberately working to make me feel that way.  Needless to say, that changed everything. I was no longer easy prey. –Kathy Krajco, Examples of Narcissistic Behavior

Cyberbullying Research Summary: Emotional and Psychological Consequences

 

Richard and Tracy are stalking me online and at church

This post includes an e-mail Richard and Tracy sent me in May 2012, which proves my belief that they are sociopaths.  In it you will see every sociopathic trait–including empty threats and false accusations–and maybe recognize e-mails you have received from your own sociopath.  You will see how they began their stalking campaign. 

This post was originally posted in May 2012.  I wrote it while a baby blogger, and added to it over a period of months, so it badly needed editing.  However, I struggled for a long time to look through this blog post again because of the presence of that e-mail and its tendency to trigger all sorts of emotional reactions: fear, pain, hurt, anguish, rage, etc.

But now I am finally able to do some proper editing, and re-post it.  I want to sticky it so new readers can see it, as I have been doing for months with my old posts. 

It is, however, extremely long, which would take me all night to edit and an hour for you to read, so I will re-post it in chunks.  I have divided the original post into several sections, which I will follow in the re-post.  If you want to see the entire original post, click here.  [9/27/14]

Now I’m Being Stalked (Part 1)

Warning: The following contains venting of anger, to get it out of my heart and onto the page, to make the story authentic, and to show other victims of abuse that I feel your rage.

Now Richard and Tracy made a fake account on Blogger for the sole purpose of following my blog, of stalking me, watching everything I post.  They named it “Tracy Richard Doe” so I’d know who it was.  So I blocked it.

One of their friends, nobody I know, “Chia,” even friended me on Facebook at around the same time, then unfriended me the next day–probably there to spy on my wall.

I didn’t know what to make of it when she first sent me the request; Jeff thought maybe she was the mysterious visitor to my blog who lived in my own town, and not Richard or Tracy.

Not only did I not know Chia, not recognize her name, but I had not been on Richard or Tracy’s Facebook for nearly two years, we had no mutual friends, she was not Orthodox, we were not the same age, did not go to the same college/high school, so there’s no way she could’ve seen me on their Facebook and decided to friend me because we lived in the same city or whatever.

We had nothing in common at all, no explanation why Richard and Tracy’s friend would friend me.

I sent her an e-mail asking who she was, and friended her so I could check her e-mail address service provider against the service provider showing up in my trackers.  Almost the moment I did so, and the news of this showed up on her wall, I saw a sudden spike from the mysterious visitors on my blog.

I waited and waited all the next day for a response from her, so I could find out if she was the actual visitor, rather than Richard or Tracy, but never got one.

Finally, that evening, I went to her profile and discovered that she had unfriended me without one word to me.  I saw in her “about me” section that she wants to defend friends who are being treated badly (I forget the wording; I blocked her, and can’t double-check).

Yeah, this is what you call a minion of a narcissist, someone so caught up in the narcissist’s web that she believes all his/her lies and will stick up for the narcissist–even against the person whom the narcissist has bullied/abused.

This girl is being manipulated by Richard and/or Tracy into thinking she’s doing the right thing, when she’s actually participating in Richard and Tracy’s evil.

She’s being manipulated into thinking she’s helping friends who are being defamed, when in truth I am speaking up about how Richard and Tracy bullied me.  I’m the whistleblower being punished by the evildoers.

I blocked this person, feeling fairly certain that she was sent to my Facebook as a spy.

Richard and Tracy made a fake Facebook account for the sole purpose of sending me a harassing e-mail, with classic abusive tactics: deny, twist, blame, isolate.

Right after I found their e-mail to me, and filed a report (though not an official complaint) with the police about it, they came to my church.

I hurried to get to the communion line before they went through, but then Tracy came up directly behind me, practically pressing up against me, even though there was no reason for her to do that.  I could hear her heavy breathing.  I knew she was doing it on purpose to intimidate me: the classic tactic of “breathing down your neck.”

Then they hurried to the priest after church, probably to tell him all about how I was “oppressing” them, probably making themselves into the poor, persecuted victims of my “lies.”

You will note from their e-mail to me (quoted below) that they threatened me with a defamation suit if I told the priest about what was going on, even though Richard’s conviction is true and is on the public record, has been published by the newspaper, and Tracy’s abuses of me really happened!

[Note: This interpretation of the e-mail was based on this blog post, which they appeared to be addressing, because it’s the only explanation that made any sort of sense to me. 

You see, I made no “threats” whatsoever, and had to guess what they meant.  I told them I would call the police if they threatened violence against me for writing about them on my blog or for reporting them to CPS.  I told them if they bullied me again, I would tell again (i.e., write on my blog, tell my friends/family). 

My only “demands” were for them to apologize or leave me alone. 

As you can see, neither these “threats” nor “demands” warranted their response or lawsuit threat.  What I actually did was stand up for myself and tell them to bugger off, which is generally considered a good, healthy thing. 

So the only thing I could think of was that they meant the “Mutual Friends” post, though it was void of “threats” and written months before they found my blog. 

So you see how their response shows a huge amount of paranoia, and of an abuser’s typical intimidation/scare tactics.  (9/27/14)]

Jeff had hoped we wouldn’t have to talk to the priest, but when he saw Richard and Tracy go up, he knew it was necessary.

I have done nothing illegal, but stalking and harassment are illegal. Richard and Tracy are making it very clear that they are going to intimidate and harass me online and at church, and keep me from telling anyone to protect myself.

This is precisely how bullies operate.

I never even tried to control what they said about me when or where.  I just assumed they were saying nasty things about me.  But I didn’t go poking around looking for what they were saying. I just left it alone, let them say what they want, I’ll say what I want to my own friends.

I keep looking over what I wrote and seeing everything checks out.  I saw that, he told me that, he did that, she did that, Todd told me that, Todd and Richard both told me that, yet they claim “false facts”?  Eh?  I see none here.

Everything I wrote, I either witnessed or was told (by Richard or, in a couple of cases, by Todd, which I could corroborate with my own observations and what Richard said), or it was published by official sources.

There are no lies here.  Conjecture is in clear language to show conjecture.  There is no misrepresentation, no “false facts.”  If something is incorrect, then blame the person who gave me that information, not me.  I can verify where I got all my information, and make the defense of “truth or reasonably believed to be true.”

But more importantly, as the Narcissists Suck blogger put it in her stories about her sister, they still have their anonymity, and I have zero intention of revealing on my blog whom I’m talking about.

This blog is not about vengeance, but about sharing my story to help me get it out and to help others going through similar situations.

It’s the same as my College Memoirs, which are full of stories about how a few guys abused or used me, but I’m on more cordial terms with these guys today.

Then Richard and Tracy poked fun of me for still being upset about this etc.  Obviously they can’t read very well.  Did they not note the many datestamps on the blog posts and website pages?  Most of the blog posts were written months ago, and most of the website pages were first written a few months to a year after the events.  I have merely revised and added/changed things since then.

I see from context that they were complaining, for example, about “Seeing the Abuser Again,” which–along with being an honest portrayal of how abuse and bullying victims feel no matter how much time has passed–was written last November!

Also, this post, “Mutual Friends,” and others were not written for them!  They were written for other people going through this!

While some things were occasionally on the Web, most of the time, none of it was.  The site pages didn’t go “live” until about less than a month ago, after I scoured it for deletions.  The site pages have gotten extremely little traffic, and a check of Google Analytics shows no evidence of that one mutual friend [who subscribed to my blog back in 2009 or 2010] reading any of those blogs.

These were up for abuse survivors to find and read, to help them, and not advertised on Facebook because I wanted to keep them even from my friends.  I never told the mutual friend about the blogs or who they were about.

They were for people who are going through this and who understand the hurt and pain and anger.  They were so I wouldn’t overtax my friends–a form of therapy, because the aftereffects of this trauma have been far too much of a burden for my friends to share.

I have no regrets about posting them.  They constitute my story of abuse, which I have every right to share with the world if I wish.

As Patricia Singleton puts it so eloquently:

I have discovered that those people who tell me to “Let it go now. Move on.” are usually one of two types. They either have never experienced what I have and therefore know nothing about the process that it takes to heal. Or, they have their own abuse issues that they want to stay in denial of.

If you see me going through my issues and haven’t dealt with your own, then my struggle threatens your denial. That is why you tell me to let it go and to move on so that you don’t have to become aware of your own unresolved issues.

I feel sad for those who are still in denial of their own issues. I have little sympathy for those who don’t know what they are talking about because they have never experienced what I have.

If you haven’t been there, you have no idea of what it takes to live my life and to struggle to get better. Don’t tell me to get over it.

If you have been where I am and were able to let go of your issues by healing them, then tell me how you did it.  Share your experiences and what worked.

Don’t share your denial of your issues. I don’t need that. I did that, on my own, years ago and I know that denial just helps you continue to live in the pain. Denial heals nothing. When you are in denial, you aren’t happy. You aren’t free. The only way to freedom is through the pain, not around it.

…Some of you choose to share your own experiences, as I do, by blogging about them online. Others choose to write in private journals. Some of you still continue in the silence because you haven’t found your voice yet. It is for other incest and childhood abuse survivors that I write of my experiences.

Any time that someone survives abuse in any form and can write about that journey, that is inspirational. It isn’t light, funny inspiration. It is sad, thoughtful, sometimes tearful. It is always heartfelt. Sometimes it comes from a deep well of hurt.

It is always healing to be able to bring these thoughts and feelings to the surface and share them with others. It can be educational to share with others who have never experienced abuse in their own lives. Without awareness, you can stop nothing.

Residual anger is perfectly natural when you’ve been abused, and it’s perfectly natural to want that person to stay far from you even years after the abuse.  Nobody wants to see their bully or abuser again, whether they’ve healed or not.  Why would they?  They know what’s coming, after all.

Standing up to and confronting your abuser makes you a survivor rather than a victim, so I did the right thing in standing up to them, telling them to leave me alone.  [THAT is what I told them.  I did NOT threaten them–except to say that I would call the police if they threatened me.  And that is just what I did.  (9/27/14)]

And to poke fun at someone else’s pain, and call them crazy for trusting their own senses and recognizing that they have been abused, is callous and cruel, especially when that person had been extremely kind to you for so long.

Their reaction shows the true nature of their souls, in black and white in that e-mail.  They can’t complain about misrepresentation when every word they wrote to me, and every action they take, proves me correct.

I suspected narcissism, but they have now proven it.

  • “Normal” people do not start stalking and seek to destroy the one who stands up to them.
  • “Normal” people do not go through life wreaking and disregarding destruction left in their wakes, blaming the victims for the abuse, and laughing at them for not just getting over it and being glad to see them at church etc.

Their behavior is classic narcissism.  It’s as if people like this are all following the same playbook.  You can’t take it seriously.

I’m so over caring what these people think about anything, that I laugh at their criticisms.  They’re not worth taking seriously.

And I’m just waiting for them to do something that makes this an easy case to prosecute.

Their threats are empty because I’ve done nothing illegal; their nastiness will soon become apparent at church by the way they harass me.  The parishioners love and accept me, so such behavior can’t possibly go unnoticed for long.

If I block anybody who’s not Richard and Tracy, I apologize, but I must cover my bases. I’m seeing evidence that they are using friends to spy on me as well–a friend of theirs and not mine who tried to friend me on Facebook out of the blue and then vanished–and now somehow Richard and Tracy got around my IP block to make a fake profile to “follow” my blog.  Oh, hey, they used cell phones.  That answers that question.

I already had all sorts of mental stims (NVLD thing?), which had been acting up in the past couple of years; now I have even more of them. (See my NVLD page for explanation.)  Which shows how ridiculous they were to reject my talk of NVLD.  Their opinions of me are worthless.

These people are targeting me because they perceive me as weak–and because they know I have proof of my claims.

The message they sent me:

Nyssa,

We read this in amusement. It gave us a good laugh to find
that almost 2 years later you are still fixated on something that we
forgot about a long time ago. As for your threats, promises whatever to
expose us you can take out a law book and read about defamation laws.
Richards’s court case may be public access and you are free to speculate
all you want without having all the information and facts. However the
rest of your writings about how horrible a person Tracy is and abusive
mentally deranged etc. have gone beyond statements of opinion. You have
represented in your writings false facts, not just opinions, about Tracy
that constitutes an actionable lawsuit. You are free to have your
opinion and feelings however the minute you go public to the members of
the church or community as you have threatened to do we will exercise
our rights to sue you for defamation against Tracy’s character.

You
talk about threats and bullies yet what are you doing? You are
threating to falsely accuse and expose lies about an innocent person if
they do not concede to your demands. We will not be threatened or
intimidated. We are free to go to church to worship our Lord God without
fear of retaliation from someone we see as not all there. You want
closure here it is. We are not sorry. We did nothing wrong. You will
never get what you want from us because we do not feel we owe you
anything. We will continue to be active in our church our community and
our town; if you cannot handle that then that us your problem not ours.
We will not move or change our faith to make you happy and comfortable.
As for the local parish being ‘your’ church. I think the archdiocese
would have a thing to say about that. The church is for everyone. We
have stayed away out of respect to give you time. We have gone to other
churches in town outside of our faith when gas prices or work schedules
prevented us from driving 40+ miles one way to church. However we miss
going to a church of our faith, participating in the mysteries having
that commune with our Lord, so we decided that when we can’t drive out
of town we will go to the local parish. We will not be pushed out of the
church by you, two years is enough time. So as fair warning for the
perceivable future our work schedules make long distance an issue as the
other parish is moving to summer hours and Divine Liturgy starts early.
So we will be attending locally A LOT this summer, we will even show up
on Saturday nights.

Here it is in all its ugliness.  The clarity of Richard and Tracy’s narcissism is shining through every word they wrote.  [See here when I run it through my “narc decoder.”]

To be continued.

Richard & Tracy Have Been Banned.

[This was posted May 25, 2012.  The blog was only “scrubbed” for a very short time, then it all went back up again.]

I blocked their IP so they couldn’t keep coming here, which they’ve been doing 3 or 4 times a day, all week long, just looking but not saying a word, and really starting to creep me out.

But I’m still keeping the place scrubbed for the time being.  In the mean time, enjoy my other tales of my experiences: NVLD and My College Memoirs: Life at Roanoke: Or, how NVLD affected my life.

…And now they’ve been proven to be stalking me.  I told them not to contact me, to leave me alone, so they formed a fake account on Facebook just so they could send me a nasty e-mail.

It’s the typical abusive e-mail: blame the victim, try to make the victim seem like the crazy one, threats, deny, minimize, justify, isolate the victim from support, etc. etc.

They turned things around to make me sound like the bully, just like she verbally abused me on 7/1/10 and then claimed to be the “victim.”

And they’re laughing at my pain.

Yet I have online court records, the things I witnessed, the things they themselves told me, chat logs, e-mails, to prove that I’m not lying.  As for speculation–It’s easy to tell what parts are speculation.  They are gaslighting me again, trying to make me think I haven’t seen what I’ve seen, or know what I know.

And I think they have a much broader idea of the range of this blog than it actually has: It’s just a small-time blog with small numbers, which is not advertised in the wall of my Facebook account, and appears to have had no pageviews at all from the one mutual friend since long before any of the abuse story blog posts went up.

Very few people have actually read any of it, and apparently not anyone Richard or Tracy know; there is absolutely no record in Google Analytics or in the Blogger tracker of any of their friends having read it since any of this was posted.

Most of the blog posts in question had no more than maybe 15-30 hits, if even that, before they started clicking on them.  But I’ve taken everything down anyway.  [Update 2/16/14: This was only temporary.  I put everything back up shortly thereafter.]

And I spoke to the police about the e-mail they sent me, put it on file that I received this, and what happened.

Why did they even come here, spying on the means I used, the means I have always used, a very effective means, to get various abuse and bullying experiences out of my system?  The College Memoirs posts finally got those experiences out of my system; this one was finally going out as well, when Richard and Tracy decided to poop all over it.

They actually had the nerve to accuse me of “threatening” them because I told them if they bullied me again, I would tell again.  Oh, gee, the victim isn’t supposed to speak up about bullying?  Yeah, I get it.

And they got after me for telling them to stay away from me, from my church, said that they would now start coming all the time because of that.  So I don’t get to set boundaries, tell the bully to leave me alone?  Yeah, I get it.

This e-mail only proves my point yet again.  If they were normal people who actually cared about others, they wouldn’t have sent this e-mail.  They wouldn’t sit there and say they did nothing wrong.

They would say they were sorry.  They would realize that they overreacted, were too hard on me.  Heck, things never would’ve gotten like this in the first place, because on the first day or two after such a blowup, they would’ve calmed down and apologized for getting nasty.

But their response proves that they are indeed narcissists and bullies, who care only about their own selves, not anybody else or the consequences of their rages.  Even though their actions caused me severe psychological and spiritual trauma and damage, they still insist they will not apologize because they “did nothing wrong.”

They’re just like “The Avenger,” who found the page of my College Memoirs about her, and even though some years had passed, still said, “You have an interesting perspective on what happened.”  No apologies, nothing.  Just ridicule.

And as I wrote on the first page of my website account, if they just look and laugh and make no apologies, then that’s childish and proves that they have no business coming back in our lives.

I had hoped that Richard was reading my blog posts and realizing just how badly he had treated me, that he was wrong, and was going to beg our forgiveness.

But sadly, no.  I was severely deceived by his character.  His true character is now glaring me in the face.  And it is an ugly one.

I am DONE grieving for him, because his friendship was all a facade.  True friends don’t treat you this way.  They were just using us.

I wish so much that I had never heard of this person.  That I had never invited him to live here.  I was so, so very wrong to do this.  I repent of it sorely.

Take my story as a precaution that you must be extremely careful how you meet any Internet friends in real life.  Do not let them move in with you right away.  Do not assume that their Internet persona is their real one.

Now I fear for my safety if I go to my own church, wonder if I will even be able to continue there, or will be chased out of it, because Richard and Tracy are threatening to show up at my church all the time now just to spite me, just out of hate!

And they are trying to bully me into silence yet again, just as they did when they told me, “Don’t go crying to Jeff, because we don’t need the headache.”  It makes me wish I had held onto the e-mails they sent me two years ago, because I could use them for evidence for the police and the priest.  [I still have some of them.]

Also see: Have I Confronted My Mother/Abuser with the Truth?

Update 6/24/16: For what I REALLY said, see these links, which prove I NEVER threatened them (except to say I’d go to the police if they threatened me):

–Password protected posts: here and here, password “thetruth”

–Related posts, here, here, here, and this section:

It’s been a struggle just keeping in the same denomination as they are, especially when they have demonstrated that they will still come to my church on occasion–meaning I can never consider them to be completely out of my life unless they relocate.

I came close to giving up on church because it reminded me too much of Richard, but I had too much strength in my beliefs to throw them away.

I sometimes feel that the only way I can truly go on in Orthodoxy is if they either apologize for their crimes, or leave me alone to disconnect the Orthodox Church from Richard.

Also a now-deleted section of one of my pages, which said,

I am no longer afraid of either you or Tracy, because the charges against you mean you are walking on very thin ice with the authorities, and you know it. If either of you even so much as leaves an angry message on my answering machine, I will report you immediately.

[Update 2/16/14:] This is related to the post Now I’m Being Stalked.  I will NOT sticky-post “Stalked,” because that would mean going into it again and re-reading the threatening, DARVO e-mail sent by Tracy.  This would still be bad for my emotional health; I went no-contact with these people for a reason, because Tracy has a “gift” to sear people with her words.  So if you want to read it, go to the above link.

And especially see this, which is relevant to this e-mail I received–and to e-mails just like it which are sent to victims of abuse and narcissists, all over the world, all the time: One Mom’s Battle posts on the Narc Decoder, Reclaiming Your Power with the Narc Decoder

Another narc decoder post is here.

This Blog is No Longer Safe.

[Update 2/15/14: This was posted May 21, 2012.  I only “scrubbed” my blog temporarily; a short time later, I put it all back up again.]

I’ve scrubbed what I can.  This is no longer a safe place to blog about certain bullying experiences.  Yes, I have every right to blog about my personal experiences, and I’m doing this anonymously, leaving out various identifiers–to protect the bullies, of all people.

See Prozac Blogger’s “Why are we the ones that hide the truth?” for a discussion of the irony of using anonymity to protect not just us, but the ones who bullied/abused us):

Why do we have to keep everything a secret?  Why are our ‘secrets’ considered embarrassing? Why are we protecting our abusers? What’s wrong with a good ol’ public hanging?

…Nowadays everything happens behind closed doors. And on top of that, victims aren’t supposed to talk about it. …Why are we being judged for what others did to us?

But the bullies have been here, read what I posted to them, have read practically everything, and keep coming back.

I think they want to intimidate me into silence.

They refuse to admit what they’ve done is wrong.  They don’t care that their actions have led me into doubting the very existence of God.

It goes to show you that there are abusers even in the Church.  There is no safe place to go without bullies.

But it’s just as well, because through this accident, I finally got the chance to say everything I had wanted to say to them, and hopefully won’t feel the need to vent about it anymore.

Though I say again to the bullies, Stay the F**K away from me until you’re ready to make peace.

In the meantime, anybody who wants to read about my abuse/bullying experiences, check out Life At Roanoke: My College Memoirs (Or, How NVLD Affected My Life).  It goes into great detail about abusers and narcissists I ran into in college, along with various funny anecdotes and other things.

Those memoirs have been up on my website since 2006, yet the abusers have never found them, to my knowledge.  Well, okay, one, “The Avenger,” but I kept it up anyway just to spite her.

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