slander

Revealing e-mails I drafted to Richard: proving I felt abused and bullied, and witnessed abuse

I wrote these drafts of an e-mail to Richard, after the phone conversation I describe above, which was not quite finished–and left me with all sorts of complaints:

You said you’d talk to Tracy….Did it do any good?
It’s ripping me apart inside but it feels like the efforts I have made have been forgotten, the nice things I did for her and little things I said here and there and conversations I had with her….
I was hurt deeply by many things that happened, but for your sake I tried my hardest to get past them and forget them.
It hurts not only that these things have been forgotten but also that you seemed to believe so many bad things about me, too, or think anything she did to me was in any way justified. I thought you knew me better than that.
I KNEW something was up but you kept insisting I was just paranoid. I have lost so many hours and so much sleep to this issue.
Nothing I do is ever good enough. I am not this evil person she seems to think I am. I would never snub her. I would never manipulate Jeff into anything.
To be honest, I haven’t cared about “going for coffee” or “going to the Bar & Grill” or whatever the point of contention is, for some time.
I care only about being trusted and not fearing my head’ll get bitten off. I don’t think it’ll ever get better.
You seem to have forgotten various details which will put that overheard conversation into perspective. Especially if you think you were working too hard to “keep the peace.”
I’m not sure you’re aware of all the abusive behavior I’d been witnessing for some time before I had that conversation [with Jeff]. My primary concern was not myself but how you and the girls were being treated. Also, I felt like the abuse was beginning to get directed toward me, and I had no clue where that was coming from.
I think you’ve also forgotten the series of letters I used to try to talk things out with you, because I wasn’t allowed to talk with you one-on-one.
It wasn’t about going out for coffee, it was about not being allowed to discuss important things with you in private. It was about feeling cut off and forgotten, like my best friend had been taken away from me.
Jeff was well aware of all of this; he had already comforted me as I sobbed over how it felt like I was being pushed aside.
[On the day I spoke to Jeff about everything and Tracy overheard] It wasn’t me manipulating him into it; I merely told him what was going on and how I felt;
[Jeff’s suggestion to show Tracy a movie so I could watch a movie with Richard for once] was his fix-it response to a problem [and he had already done this a few times before we had this conversation].
He never would’ve done it if he thought it was some sort of manipulation to get a man alone with his wife [for nefarious purposes]–are you kidding?
[This shows how I was guilted and manipulated as my/Jeff’s actions were twisted way out of proportion into the worst possible interpretations–same as they did to Todd in 2008.]
He trusted us both enough to leave us alone for long periods of time. He did it deliberately. He was happy I had found a friend.
As for the shoulder thing–You and I had those conversations already [Richard had started the practice and taught me it was perfectly innocent and appropriate];
we both knew it was completely innocent; we had established firm boundaries of what was and was not acceptable.
And–“don’t know you”? She’d been living in my house for a few weeks already! I was no stranger!
[He told me that she got upset over the “shoulder thing” because she didn’t know me, but that if a certain other friend did it, Tracy would think it was cute, and join in.
It was also distressing to hear about this yet again, because I hadn’t done it since January 2008, because it upset her so much. Yet it kept getting brought up over and over and over!]
I KNEW things weren’t quite right. I got worried when you didn’t call me [whenever he promised to]. I thought a number of things: You were being yelled at, you thought I was acting weird….
You told me I was just being paranoid…told me you were trying to find the right time is all….Now come to find you were getting yelled at because it was “THAT woman”….Like I was the one with the problem.
I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Jeff says he would’ve ended the friendship a long time ago, that he would have exploded by now.

In later drafts:

I worked hard to remember details and put that overheard conversation into perspective.
My primary concern was how you and the girls were being treated. I had already witnessed various incidents of abuse. I felt like I was now being abused and did not deserve it.
I already felt cut off and forgotten, like my best friend was pushing me aside. Now I felt my best friend was being taken away from me for no good reason.
Jeff was already aware of this. I wasn’t manipulating him into anything; I merely told him what was going on and how I felt; it was his fix-it response to a problem.
Do you think for a moment he would’ve done it if he thought we were going to do something we shouldn’t?
Do you think for a moment he would’ve done what he did without the best of intentions? He wanted to befriend Tracy!
And about the “incident”–You and I had those conversations already; we both knew it was completely innocent, that Americans are too uptight; we had established firm boundaries. And–“don’t know you”? She’d been living in my house for a few weeks already! I was no stranger!
Things we both did [either Richard and me, or Jeff and me, not sure which] with the best of intentions and innocent motives are being painted with an evil, underhanded light, and that hurts deeply. This talk of violent thoughts [Tracy almost killing me] is very troubling.
I don’t need you to “bend over backward” because of my shyness/quietness; I merely ask for understanding. It hurts that you’d even think I’d be deliberately rude.
I don’t know how much more of this I can take. My illusions that things were now fine have come crashing down and I don’t know where I stand with you. You say you don’t want to lose a friendship over it. Neither do I, but I also can’t take any more sleepless nights and endless crying jags.

Even later drafts:

I worked hard to remember details and put that overheard conversation into perspective. I had already witnessed various incidents of abuse. My primary concern was how you and the girls were being treated. I felt like I was now being abused and did not deserve it.
I felt cut off and forgotten, like my best friend was pushing me aside. Now I felt my best friend was being taken away from me for no good reason.
I merely told Jeff what was going on and how I felt. He responded by trying to fix the problem.
Various things we both did with the best of intentions and innocent motives are being painted with an evil, underhanded light, and that hurts deeply. This talk of violent thoughts is very troubling.
I don’t need you to “bend over backward” because of my shyness/quietness; I merely ask for understanding. It hurts that you’d ever think I’d be deliberately rude, or that you’d let these things build on themselves without talking with me about it first.
I don’t know how much more of this I can take. My illusions that things were now fine and the past was left in the past, have come crashing down and I don’t know where I stand with you. You say you don’t want to lose a friendship over it. Neither do I, but I also can’t take any more sleepless nights and endless crying jags.
I think I know what she meant about being too worried about “keeping the peace.” If you knew what Jeff was doing (and I remember telling you about it) and it bugged you, you should’ve said something. Now it’s festered.
If you knew about an “incident,” [her seeing the shoulder sleeping one afternoon when I was sick and desperately needed a nap] you should’ve told me.
You also should’ve told me, “It’s not okay right now, even when she’s out of the room, but it’ll be perfectly fine once she gets to know you. I will tell you when that day comes, so you don’t have to guess.” All I remember hearing is something about jealousy.
I keep hearing “you ignore it when she tries to start a conversation,” but I have no clue what you mean because all I remember is being kind and pleasant and smiling where appropriate and occasionally saying something. If you see something happen, come to me and say, “THAT’s what I mean.” Then I can say, “What? I had no idea!” and be more watchful.
In my childhood, I had absolutely no clue that I was supposed to say “hi” and “bye” when people said it to me, until my mom and aunt pointed out that it was rude not to. I think I was something like 10 or 11 by then. Here I had no idea I was ticking people off for all those years, so I started forcing myself to say it. Of course, it was still many years before I started initiating the “hi/bye,” but at least I knew to say it back.
In my teens, I had no idea that I was supposed to thank a person for a ride until a girl in my youth group chewed me out. While it was embarrassing and I felt bad, I was also grateful to her for pointing this out. I became a very gracious ride-taker after that.
I also didn’t see the point of saying “thank you” to a waitress because she was just doing her job, not a favor. But in time I began to see how much better it is to do so.
I am not intentionally rude. I just never picked up on some of the social rules that other people figure out instinctively. If nobody ever points it out, I miss it completely.
I don’t want to be chewed out, just have it gently mentioned. Now Jeff never heard of the “compliments starting a conversation” rule, either, so it may very well be a difference between [their region and our region] culture.

I didn’t actually send this e-mail because I spoke to Richard on the phone between the last draft at 3pm and an e-mail to Jeff at 4pm. But I wrote it because our talk got interrupted before it could be finished.

So you see, old stuff was being drudged up again that I thought had long since been put to bed because nobody was doing them anymore, and because Tracy had made it very clear back in August of 2008 that the old restrictions on me were gone!

But when I called him about it after 3pm, I said I was tired of the whole thing (had been for a while, in fact). I said I had a list of defenses but wanted to just drop the whole subject, and he said he did as well.

(The only one who actually kept the subject going in the first place, was Tracy. Richard and I had wanted to drop it a long time ago.)

I told him I was sorry for my own part in things, and said so, to him and in an e-mail to her, which she accepted. It sounded like he and I had so resolved things that their misunderstandings of me were cleared up.

Disturbing Revelations from Richard about Tracy and our time sharing a house

On June 10, 2009, I was still smarting from the sexual harassment, and thought relations between Tracy and me had long since been resolved.

This was a rough couple of weeks:

On June 1, I learned that Richard (claimed to have) secretly hypnotized me while he lived with us.
Probably between the 1st and the 5th, the sexual harassment occurred.
On June 5, I learned that Richard used to be a Mafia thug.
On June 6, he told me they were about to get evicted again, and he was plotting to kill his apartment manager in retaliation–then called back and said his wife told him not to.

I believe it was also around June 6 when I discovered Tracy’s old restrictions on me were back up again, and I had no idea how long they’d been back up.

I didn’t even know that going out for coffee was verboten again, until Richard now told me on the phone that it was–and that, as he fervently put it, “I want to go out for coffee!”

(This did come up once during the fall or winter of 2008/2009, when I wanted to do something and Richard said he couldn’t. I forget what it was.

(Exasperated, I sighed and said we could make sure the kids were with us so we weren’t alone–but he said, no, it was NOT about me, but because Tracy was pregnant and hormonal–and would have the same reaction to him doing the same thing with ANY woman.

(Basically, no, the restrictions were NOT back up on me: He couldn’t do this with anyone during her pregnancies or she would get jealous. That was a relief.)

Now on June 6, however, he told me the restrictions were up.

Again? Not only that, but the way he talked, it seemed like they never had been taken away.

???!!!

He said something about Tracy wanting to have a certain kind of conversation with me. It’s hard to remember his words now, but basically, a kind of easy back-and-forth conversation–which is notoriously difficult for both NLDers and introverts.

I believe the next day was my church’s name-day celebration; they attended that and the reception afterwards.

I carried on such a conversation with her, because for once there was something to talk about (her hair color change)–and things naturally flowed out of that.

I later asked him how I did; he said I did well–and she told him we never had a conversation like that before.

But that was another lie, because we had such conversations back in December 200 7, before she turned on me.

So–

She approved me and called me her friend shortly after she met me,
then both she and Richard acted later on as if this never happened.
Then she approved me in August 2008,
then at some unknown time during winter or spring of 2009, took it back again–and it was as if she never did approve me.
And while she would approve me again shortly after these events of June 2009,
in July 2010 she would act as if she had never, ever approved me at all.

What the heck was WITH this woman????!!!!

Now I know this is a common trait of narcissists and abusers, called gaslighting or crazy-making. Because yeah, it’s meant to make you feel like you’re crazy.

He said that if they couldn’t find a place, they’d go back to their previous state. I couldn’t bear the thought of my BFF Richard leaving, so I offered to let them stay with us, but done differently this time:

I told Richard I would be a better host and treat Tracy differently.

I came up with ways to make things run more smoothly, such as pooling laundry and setting up a makeshift room in the basement.

You see, I didn’t just say everything I did before was right and Tracy just had to suck it up: I felt bad about the past, and said I would do better.

On June 10, I called Richard to ask what he thought about my ideas and offer.

That’s when he shocked me with the revelation that Tracy spit on my hospitality: Even with all the offers I made to make things easier on everybody, and saying I would be a better host, Richard said Tracy refused to do this because of how “badly” I supposedly had behaved to her before.

This is when I discovered that Tracy spit on my hospitality because I hadn’t spent all my time chattering away with her instead of keeping up with the house and getting time to myself.

(See here to find out what really happened, however:

At this distance, away from the FOG machine, I see more clearly–and believe that they finally gaslit me into thinking I had been the problem, when they actually had been horrible guests, taking advantage of us and manipulating us.)

Richard told me some revelations that floored me, that devastated me, that overshadowed the sting of sexual harassment which I was still dealing with.

These things went all the way back to the time they stayed with us–

things they never told us–

things that would have made a huge difference, if only we had known and had a chance to discuss them as a group–

things that explained why Tracy had turned so hostile to me.

Yet they had decided to mention none of them to me!

One of the revelations was that she eavesdropped when I vented to Jeff. I always thought this was a private conversation.

Richard said she “heard every word.” This wording and his tone were like she caught me lying.

She even told him I was “manipulating” Jeff.

Note that she was the one listening; she then told Richard what she heard.

Which tells me now, very clearly, that she actually lied to Richard about what I said to Jeff, just as she lied to everyone in the game forums about what Todd did a year earlier.

Every word I told to Jeff was the truth.

I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT MANIPULATE HIM IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM.

Especially since my husband is the type to resist and resent any form of manipulation. And he says that no, I did NOT manipulate him. The very accusation offends him, because it’s his JOB to listen to my complaints.

As you can see if you click on this link, what I really told Jeff, then and at other times during those few weeks, was how Tracy had been abusing everyone, including me, and how it made me feel.

He then, like a man, came up with a way to help the situation. I probably hoped he’d lay down the law with our offensive houseguests, but instead he suggested a way to make things better.

This and the following revelations prove to me now that Tracy had motive all this time for psychologically abusing me, manipulating me, constantly changing her rules, and giving me permission/taking back permission to be friends with her husband:

(see chapter 5, which starts here)

Her motive was that I saw her for the abuser that she was.

So she had to destroy me, had to drive a wedge between me and her husband–

so I couldn’t wake him up to the truth of her abuse.

But in June 2009, I didn’t yet recognize this, did not yet understand the mindscrew capabilities of abusers and narcissists.

Apparently they thought it was somehow wrong of me to even talk to Jeff about what was happening! So, of course, I objected about that to Richard. (How dare they tell me not to tell my own husband how they were bullying me!)

Richard and I had long, revealing talks on the phone that made tears of remorse run down my face, that made me shut down and be quiet and thoughtful all evening long, until finally our son was in bed and I could tell Jeff something of what had happened.

This is when I discovered how they reacted to what I told Jeff and the solution he came up with.

Yet they never mentioned it to us, never got it out into the frickin’ open,

just dealt with it passive-aggressively instead, through Tracy’s constant punishments of me and remembering what I “did.”

(Yet somehow Jeff wasn’t punished for this at all, even though it had been his idea and I just passively went along with it. Why is that? Just how badly did Tracy paint me when she misrepresented me to Richard, I wonder?)

Now I discovered that she knew full well that I overheard the snarks she made on the phone to her mother about me–and that this was why.

So it was on purpose!

This is when I discovered that she almost killed me one night–

which made me shake and wince, every time I saw someone on TV get beaten up, at the thought that it could have happened to me–

and over something which was nowhere near worth this reaction.

Over and over again the following year, I imagined her fists coming at me, Jeff coming into the room (whether from the basement or his bed), screaming at her and throwing her out of the house.

Me going to the hospital (or grave). Her going to jail.

All because I, who was very sick and very sleepy, desperately needed a nap but couldn’t sleep on that crowded couch until I found a soft shoulder. Heck, I did the same thing one night while she was right there on the couch, but she said nothing then!

Also, at some point–I’ve long forgotten when–Richard wrote to me in a chat that he’d tell Tracy I was just shy, and she’d say I wasn’t shy because of sleeping on his shoulder.

Um…

For one thing, I am indeed extremely shy, but why on earth would I be shy with my besties?
For another, I know people who do things like this with their friends.
And for another, HE TAUGHT ME that sleeping on shoulders is perfectly innocent and appropriate among friends.
And for yet another, ever since I learned in January/February 2008 that it upset her, I NEVER DID IT AGAIN.

But this was not enough for Tracy, who refused to ever let me live it down–

or stop reminding Richard of it, since Richard told me she’d bring it up periodically to him–

which you can see was meant to smear my character to him.

Now, hearing that she actually wanted to kill me over it, the depths of her violence troubled me greatly, and I told him it was probably impossible for her and me to ever be close friends.

He was surprised to hear that I was scared of her. (Why would that surprise him?)

He said that he was telling me these things because he now felt he could be more open with me.

This shocked me, because for the last year and a half, I thought he could be open with me about anything!

I was open with him about everything, after all, and encouraged him to do the same.

During the two months he lived here by himself, we bonded; he opened up his heart about all sorts of things, even things that scared me. Also, whenever he told me a complaint about me, I listened.

As I later told him, I may get upset about it at the time, but I need to hear it, and afterwards I would think it over and try to make changes.

But now he said he’d been keeping things from me this whole time? that he didn’t feel he could be open with me?

It felt like our entire friendship for the past year and a half had been a lie!

That he treated me like some China doll instead of being honest with me, and I had no clue WHY, when I always tried to be the person he could talk to about anything!

Unlike narcissists, normal people are willing to acknowledge wrongdoing, and get distressed at the thought of hurting somebody. Through Richard’s smooth words and manipulation of this natural tendency, he got me to feel like a horrible host, when in reality they had been horrible guests.

I believe they used and abused my hospitality, were freeloaders taking advantage of my generosity–not just when they stayed with us, but for the following two years–then used these weasel words to make me think I was the problem, not them.

When I caught their narcissistic FLEAS and did something I shouldn’t have (the solution Jeff came up with), to them it was somehow far worse than all the insults and bad behavior they were themselves guilty of.

(In reality, the solution seemed okay to me because Jeff had already been doing this on his own–

his own idea, which he told me about AFTER he started doing it–

as I describe in earlier e-mails to my mom.)

This is a form of gaslighting which narcissists and abusers are good at.

These revelations made me feel like a horrible person. I did not yet see how they were manipulating and gaslighting me into thinking the problem was all mine, and that they had behaved above reproach.

When I could finally bring myself to tell my husband what they said, he could see this better than I could, and got angry again.

But I was so into a remorseful funk that I could see nothing but my own sins, that I was nothing but a worm who deserved to be punished for what I did, that I was lucky they were so graceful and forgiving with me so far as to still be friends with me.

When a non-personality-disordered individual (Non-PD) begins imitating or emulating some of the disordered behavior of a loved one or family member with a personality disorder this is sometimes referred to as “getting fleas”.
…Sometimes, when a person has been exposed to an abusive situation for a sustained period, they will look for ways to escape – and sometimes they will experiment or resort to behaviors which are not characteristic but serve as a mechanism to demonstrate their anger.
These behaviors are often destructive and counter-productive and rarely get the abuse victim what they want. These behaviors usually result in regret, shame and apologies from the abuse victim towards their perpetrator.
Some perpetrators may seize on such incidents as justification for their own abusive behavior or as a diversion from it. —Lie Down with Dogs & You’re Bound to Get Fleas

I wrote down some things I was upset about, my side of things, for a later conversation, because we weren’t able to finish before he had to hang up.

Tracy drives away another friend (Todd) with narcissistic rage, manipulation, lies and a smear campaign

I was hardly the first friend of Richard’s to be driven off by Tracy, or even the third, and probably won’t be the last. I don’t want to enumerate them all–especially since I don’t know how many there are–but there are several I’m aware of. I take solace in this, because it shows I must not blame myself: It’s not me.

It also wasn’t just about her being jealous of other women. She had various reasons to drive away these friends. She also was nasty to and ran off one of Richard’s close male friends, “Todd,” in June 2008, because he did something on an online game which she did not like.

Richard later told Todd that she did this because, back when Todd first came to visit them, he nearly beat Tracy at Risk. This made him her secret enemy. So one day, she had her revenge:

I still have the printouts, because most of the argument was posted online, except for some private conversations which weren’t posted, and I wanted a full picture of just what th’ freaking heck was going on. So I printed up dozens of pages, in order to read them closely without the glare of the computer screen.

I even have the original, private conversation between members of their alliance “government,” because Todd opened it to the rest of the gamers some time later. So I can go back and read it over closely, without Richard whispering in my ear all the bad things Todd was doing, unlike the first time I read it.

Right here in the printouts is a fully documented case of DARVO, or Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. Because I can see it so clearly here, involving a different target than I, I can see how easily Tracy can pull that DARVO trick on any target.

And what I see burns me with the injustice Todd suffered from her. People in these games argue and war and flame each other all the time, but Todd was supposedly Tracy and Richard’s friend–and one of Richard’s best friends, not just online but off. This got personal.

Have you ever marveled at how your abusive wife, girlfriend or ex is able to do and say the most hurtful, underhanded and contemptible things and then portray herself as the innocent victim?
Have you ever wondered how she is able to convincingly accuse others, usually her victims, of the abusive behaviors and attitudes of which she is actually guilty? Wonder no more, the answer may be DARVO. –Shrink4Men

This was a browser-based game in which you set up your own moon colony, could form alliances with other colonies, and the alliances could declare wars on each other. Todd and Tracy were in the same alliance, and in the “government.”

One night, they disagreed on the rules of the alliance’s hierarchy. Todd had set up the rules for the alliance, a system of government which he worked hard to write, and which was his baby.

Todd was just trying to keep to the rules as he wrote them, while helping her get what she wanted regarding who got what position in the government. She wanted some things which he said were against the rules. She disagreed with him over this.

So in an effort of peace and helping a friend, he posted for the alliance to vote on an amendment so she could shuffle around some “ministers” the way she wanted.

But she completely misunderstood what he was doing and suddenly went off on him, posting a profanity-laden message publicly to the alliance’s main forum, also cussing him out in chat, accusing him of acting like a spoiled child and pouting.

Instead of picking up the phone and asking him in a non-blaming fashion what he was doing, she publicly posted this rage episode in the forum, and then, as he put it, he woke up to her screaming at him in chat the next morning.

I read this part of the printouts closely, but could not figure out where the heck she got the idea that Todd was somehow trying to thwart her or do a “power grab,” as Richard claimed.

All I saw was Todd doing his darndest, even staying up late, to bend the rules to help her get what she wanted.

This looked like someone with a Cluster B personality disorder finding insult where none existed, and using it as an excuse for a narcissistic rage episode.

(In fact, this reminds me of someone I encountered on a BBS back in college, a teenager with the handle Avenger who started a huge flame war with my friend Sharon and me. It was all because Sharon wanted to be considerate of the kids on the BBS when setting up times for an evening BBS bowling party. The Avenger and Tracy are very much alike–both mean girls who take offense at the weirdest things–and I could not stand the Avenger.)

Jeff and I both wondered where on earth this came from after a 6-year friendship. Shouldn’t Todd be cut some slack? Todd was also baffled, just as I was on 7/1/10 when Tracy raged at me about an e-mail I sent to Richard.

In re-reading the printouts, I saw absolutely no evidence that Todd pouted about anything, or acted spoiled or childish. He just had concerns about what was allowed by the rules. He did not argue about it, just decided to help her by requesting an amendment to the rules so she could do what she wanted.

Just as it did with me, her raging, cussing, accusations and cuts on Todd’s character, shocked him, dismayed him, and put him on the defensive. At first, he tried to be more diplomatic, but it was completely understandable when he noted, “And as for that utter tripe you stated about my character? It’s offensive….”

She continued raging at him and telling everyone he was being awful. It’s amazing how much stamina this woman has for rages. I also wonder where she found the time, with four kids.

They went into a chat on IRC, which went on for many hours. He tried and tried but could not get her to see things from his point of view. A mediator tried to calm her down and tell her to stop taking things personally, but even he couldn’t do it. Eventually, both sides turned ridiculous, not just Tracy.

As I read this thread over again, I really feel for Todd, because I see Tracy going on a rage episode for some imagined slight that did not actually occur, all because she thought she wasn’t getting her way–when Todd’s actions were specifically meant to give her what she wanted.

I see her picking a fight and poking and prodding Todd, calling him a baby, not listening to his point of view, accusing him of having a temper tantrum. (This is called projection. Abusers will accuse you of doing things they’re actually doing.)

A common tactic of a narcissist is to project their own issues on to their victim. This is an attempt to hide any actions or truths they do not want brought to light about themselves.
It is their hope that by projecting issues of their own onto you it will distract you from their malignant behavior. –Lisa E. Scott, The “Crazy-Making” Behavior of a Narcissist

I see her trying to get her own way and THAT’S IT. (My abusive ex Phil was like that, as my friends noted.)

So–like anyone else who keeps getting poked and prodded–he got angry. Abusers will do this to provoke you into doing something mean, so that they can point to you as the abuser. This is called baiting.

Then Tracy took it from the alliance forum to all the other alliances, making it a gamewide argument, using her more “mature” language (just as she did to Jeff after writing foul obscenities to me) to accuse Todd of starting a coup and being childish. Then she declared war on him.

Her explanation to the other alliances of what happened, is not what I actually saw happen in the alliance forums. She changed some important details to make Todd look bad and her look right. She made it sound like she was being rational and adult while he was flying off the handle.

Basically, she bald-faced lied and kept on lying blatantly about Todd to everyone in the game. Then she booted him from the alliance. This was a smear campaign.

She continued twisting facts while arguing with him publicly in the gamewide forums. Then other people–who were not in their alliance and did not have access to their forum, so did not see what really happened–started backing her up and accusing Todd of going crazy.

This is all part of an abuser’s modus operandi, making the target of abuse appear to be the abuser, appear to be crazy, so no one will believe him.

And things went out of control for days, with both sides doing terrible things, including Todd calling her nasty names. She baited him, and unfortunately, he took the bait.

This also happens in physically abusive relationships: An abusive woman will slap, smack, etc. until her husband fights back–then he ends up in jail.

Then Tracy posted that as long as she’s going to be called a b**ch, she might as well act like one. Which is totally not the way to solve problems with a friend, and a horrible attitude. Nice people would not behave that way.

(It also sounds very familiar, because after she found out I thought she was being possessive and controlling with Richard, over the years she did everything she could to prove me correct.)

It makes me wonder how often she twisted facts when telling Richard things I supposedly had done. I am aware of several times that she lied.

I see firsthand how she manipulated things with Todd, flying off the handle over a slight which only existed in her mind, and then lied to others with just enough of the facts to make it believable. I see how she refused to let Todd tell her that things were not the way she thought they were.

So I see that with me, she was able to manipulate things to make me seem like I was trying to move in on her husband, and her seem like the rational principled one, leaving me feeling for quite some time like I didn’t know what was really true.

But now I see far more clearly just how easily she manipulated Richard and me. I see how she refused to hear that things were any different than what she thought, how she refused to listen to reason, or to let anybody else have an opinion different from hers.

So she got her own way while I felt steamrolled over–and like not even Richard cared. There was no compromise here: It was all her way or the highway, and she had to be right, because nobody else’s feelings mattered.

I see in the printouts from the Todd situation that she did the same thing to him, making him feel like Richard didn’t care anymore, like he was stabbing Todd in the back.

It is yet more evidence that I need to take everything she ever said about me, all her opinions on my motivations and actions and what was “appropriate” or not, all her cuts on my character, all her quick insults, and throw it all in the trashbin, because this is something she does. And refuse to let Richard back into my life until he sees just what she did.

I know of two other former friends of Richard whom she used to butt heads with as well (though I don’t know details), so this is a pattern with her.

Nowhere do I see her calming down during the arguments with Todd and saying, You know, a longtime friendship isn’t worth all this; I should step back and cool off. And I see Richard getting pulled into it and feeling he had to stick up for Tracy, which was unfair to Todd.

I see it becoming, for Todd, not so much about a game but about a long, close, dear friendship which suddenly blew up in his face for no good reason. I see him trying desperately to keep it from happening, but going totally the wrong way about it.

But I understand how he felt, because being publicly condemned by your friend over a game, is madness and infuriating. All Todd wanted was for Tracy to stop accusing him of things he didn’t do, and see that he was actually trying to help her out, so he wouldn’t feel like his best friends were backstabbing him over a stupid game.

But Richard and Tracy both began doing things that made it worse:

Richard helped Tracy write a declaration of war, worded in such a way to appear that anyone who agreed with Todd, was one of her alliance’s targets–though later he said it didn’t mean that.

(So he really should understand how easy it was for my own e-mail to him to not mean what Tracy thought it meant. Unless, of course, he lied about the meaning of that DOW.)

Richard also kept telling me that Todd was doing a “power grab,” and telling me the horrible things Todd was saying to Tracy, while here was Tracy being nasty all along to Todd.

Her lies were obvious, cold and calculated, all because she imagined a slight that did not actually exist.

I saw how other people on the board got her side of the story and assumed she was right, but they didn’t have Todd’s side.

I saw Todd accused of going crazy because of a game, by people who had no access to the logs of what really happened. Or when they got access, they didn’t care enough to actually read it all.

It all fits the behavior of an abuser or narcissist going on a smear campaign.

Even though she was the first one to make nasty cuts on Todd’s character in public, Richard got angry at Todd for making nasty cuts (“quick insults”) on Tracy’s character, and said Todd couldn’t take it back even if he wanted to.

But what about the nasty things Tracy had said to Todd long before he got fed up? Did they count for nothing? Was it okay for her to say things for which Richard yelled at Todd?

The problem lay with both sides, two very volatile and young personalities who had to be right. But Tracy fired the first shot, took it from an ordinary discussion of game politics and made it personal, made it nasty, all over a frickin’ GAME, and all over a slight which was only in her imagination. She ruthlessly libeled him and defamed his character.

And Richard kept trying to tell me that it was all Todd’s fault, that it was a “power grab,” when I could see different, from what was posted on the game forums, and when I already knew some of Tracy’s temper. I can see that same pattern all through my own interactions with her. By seeing what happened with Todd, it’s obvious that I’m not crazy or imagining it.

Both sides were to blame for what happened: One person said Tracy had a “stubborn as a rock mentality,” and Todd, who has a temper of his own, really shouldn’t have cussed at Tracy and called her names. But I saw that Todd did try to give her some of the things she wanted.

And to be fair to Todd, as I wrote above, and find in various accounts on the Net (see here, for example), abusers can get after you so much that you finally snap and start behaving badly yourself. The abuser then uses this as proof that you’re the abuser. This is “crazy-making,” “projection,” “gaslighting,” “baiting.”

And no, in the beginning Todd was not being nasty at all: His own nastiness appears to have started after hours in chat of Tracy’s refusing to back down and listen to him, and continuing to accuse him of a power grab. Then he began lashing out in frustration.

None of his concessions were enough; they went on for hours online, arguing about this, back and forth, posting much of it on the game forum.

He wasn’t “power grabbing”; he just understood the alliance constitution (which he himself constructed) differently than Tracy did. Richard should have called Tracy on her insults of Todd, but didn’t.

So of course Todd felt ganged up on, like Richard backstabbed him and let Tracy get away with whatever she wanted. It’s very familiar, in fact….

Todd was like me, wary of Tracy because he knew she was evil, but friends of a sort with her because she was married to Richard.

Yet, after the way she kept treating me, the things I saw her do or say to Richard, the kids, Todd, and others, and the things Richard told me she did to him and the kids–Richard and Tracy kept acting like it was somehow my fault, my problem, something I had to fix, that I couldn’t get close to her, didn’t want to confide my secrets in her, didn’t seek out her company.

[Update 11/16/11: Note also how narcissists and abusers can turn things around so that you appear to be the manipulator, such as with Judge Adams, who has made his daughter Hillary appear to be manipulative and spoiled, after she posted the smoking gun video of him beating her.]

More details of this story are here, including her sociopathic smile over something Todd supposedly did, but I don’t have room to put everything in this post.

Table of Contents

1. Introduction

2. We share a house

3. Tracy’s abuse turns on me

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children

5. My frustrations mount

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

8. The Incident

9. The fallout; a second chance?

10. Grief

11. Struggle to regain normalcy

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13. Conclusion

13b. Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary

14. Updates on Richard’s Criminal Charges

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing

Fed-up, I decide to end the friendship if Tracy does not stop bullying me

The night of April 30, 2008, some hours after the incidents in the above section, and into the following day, I wrote this list in an e-mail to Richard which I never sent:

–last straw
–tired of getting rudeness in return for all my attempts at generosity and niceness
–you don’t treat friends this way; abusive
–don’t have to put up with this–will not be spoken to this way
–don’t want to deal with her anymore
–feel like for the last few months have been treated like “the other woman”–treated like dirt–more tears shed over this the last few months than for anything for the last year all together
—don’t want to be enabler and lose all self-esteem and get damaged psyche
–tried to ignore and move on for sake of our friendship [with Richard]–very dear to me–but Jeff and I both are fed up
–mean to me almost since the beginning–didn’t seem to appreciate what we were doing, how much work I had to put into keeping the household running, how much money we had to spend to pay for groceries [about $340-$450/week in today’s dollars], how I had to give up some of the things I did for my health–lots of milk, healthier meals–in order to stretch the food budget, and exercise because of the little kids running around [didn’t want to hurt the little ones with the spokes of my exercise bike]
—I feel like maybe I should never open my house up to strangers again, if this is how I get repaid for it–with suspicion and rudeness
–don’t like being treated as guilty until proven innocent; lived here for a month and a half–what else does she need to know–she’s gotten to know me a lot better than most people do–but has suspicion and mistrust that is not warranted and is not good for her–every other wife/girlfriend who has met me is fine with me, even after a short meeting–I just don’t go after husbands
–apparently suspicious because I don’t talk directly to her? well, I have in the past–don’t trust her, not “safe”–maybe I don’t talk directly to her and don’t want to be around her NOT because I’m out to get her husband, but because I don’t like how she treats people [I was scared of her]
—I felt bulldozed–seemed to be all what somebody else wants, but none of what I wanted

The below quote sounds like Tracy–and also explains why I preferred to go through Richard when I had problems with her:

Confronting an abusive woman about her behavior only makes her nastier and you’re then subjected to a narcissistic rage episode and/or histrionic drama queen performance.
She’ll just blame you for everything or deny what she did anyway, so why bother saying anything? –Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, Signs your narcissistic or borderline wife/girlfriend is traumatizing you

Also, this comment from a Shrink4Men reader, “Mr. E”:

Another possible addition [to the Shrink4Men quiz, “Is she a crazy b**ch]:
Do mutual friends/roommates confront you when they’re upset with her?
I can recall several instances where a friend / roommate has come to me about her behavior (frequently with some hostility). I always figured this was because I was an easy target, and felt weak.
I definitely think poor boundaries on my part encouraged this behavior (I should have stopped them and told them to talk to her, not me), but I think the root problem is that they were afraid to confront her directly.
When I foolishly bring up whatever the friend/roomie complained about to her, I get interrogated and eventually raged at when I freeze up and stop talking. She’ll also hold a grudge against the person in question for ages.
The good news is, I’ve finally figured this out, and have started telling people to just talk to her. Curiously enough, they never do…
I’d love to know if this is a common experience.

The following evening, May 1, I wrote an e-mail which I don’t believe was sent to Richard, though I probably conveyed at least some of the message to him in other ways:

–When you say you want me to call, or you want to call, or you want to get together and do something, I put priority on that, rearrange my schedule, make myself available, and work as hard as I can to be ready in time. If I can’t do it for some reason, I say so right away, or call as soon as I find out (as long as it’s a reasonable hour).
When you say you’ll call and don’t, or you want to get together but don’t show up, don’t let me know what’s going on, I try to call and can’t connect with you and nobody answers either phone, my messages aren’t returned, you call/I call at the last minute and you say something else has come up, I feel like you don’t value my friendship.
I have had other people do this to me, sometimes for years. When this happens to Jeff, he assumes the person is sending a message that they don’t want to be friends anymore; he stops calling.
I know that sometimes people are just being flighty, but I get tired of it, and eventually scale back the friendship. This is why I start getting worried.
–When someone doesn’t answer the phone, it’s normal and expected to call back later, especially if there is no answering machine. It gives the person a chance to get home, get done in the bathroom, or whatever else they were doing that made them unable to answer the phone.
I personally detest answering machines when dealing with friends, because I know firsthand that they are even less reliable than e-mail: they can malfunction, be ignored, be erased accidentally, run out of tape….
At least if your e-mail doesn’t get through, the Mailer Demon bounces it back, and message trackers can tell you if a Personal Message was read. I’d much rather connect with my friend personally than talk to a machine, because I know my message got through.
So being chewed out for doing a perfectly normal and reasonable behavior–I do not appreciate being talked to in that manner.
If Tracy keeps treating me this way, I will consider it to mean that she just does not want to be pleasant with me or even consider the option that I am no threat to her.
I do not wish to deal with jealous spouses or abusive behavior towards me.
If it keeps happening, I will start considering all of my options, even though the last thing I want to do is end my friendship with you or [my son’s] friendship with the girls.

So here is proof that from the very beginning, I considered Tracy not only to be abusive to Richard and the girls (since I used those very words in e-mails to my mom in 2007), but to be abusive to me as well. (There are more e-mails like this to come, speaking also of her bullying me.)

Despite the DARVO e-mail she sent me in 2012, this was not some crazy idea that came to my addled brain in 2012 to justify the breakup and make me feel better. Nor was it taken from my imagination to write some blog full of lies to defame her character.

No, this was my feeling from the very beginning–showing that my mental state has been fine all along, and evidence that I have told no lies, because it is all my legitimate opinion since 2007, and my e-mails record the details of what happened.

No, Tracy just refuses to admit that she’s abusive, and would rather put the responsibility of it on other people–and tell everyone her target is crazy. That’s what abusers do. I just saw yet another example of it on Dr. Phil at the gym yesterday:

“My father is here to tell me what I remember, what I can say, what I can talk about,” she says.
“I have come to know that, in cases of abuse, when abuse has happened, very rarely does the abuser admit to that, and there’s nothing productive for me to be here with my father because I will not go back to that girl, to be silent, to be in my corner and to recant what I’ve said.” –Rebecca Musser, Dr. Phil episode, Facing Off with my Polygamous FLDS Father

Table of Contents

1. Introduction

2. We share a house

3. Tracy’s abuse turns on me

4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children

5. My frustrations mount

6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends

7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build

8. The Incident

9. The fallout; a second chance?

10. Grief

11. Struggle to regain normalcy

12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other

13. Conclusion

13b. Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary

14. Updates on Richard’s Criminal Charges

Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing

by Nyssa McCanmore
Posted on August 4, 2010September 23, 2021

Tracy bullies me and tries to control Richard by weeding out friends she doesn’t like

I felt singled out as a terrible person because I simply could not do the social gymnastics Tracy expected me to do.

I must have missed nearly all her cues to start conversations, because I’d go for months thinking I’d been perfectly fine socially with her, then find out she was still offended and mad at me because I wasn’t “befriending” her or making conversation.

To this day I could not tell you what cues I was missing, or when, or any specific details about times, dates, places, words spoken, or what I did to offend her.

Richard would say he saw me do this this and this, but I’d think, WHEN? I remember NONE of this!

If she used hidden meanings or subtexts in her speech, I couldn’t tell you that, either, though I recently read that women often do that.

I was fine socially with Richard, but he was a special case: that rare individual with whom I could relate like a socially normal person. It helped that as a man, he was more likely to say things directly instead of expecting me to read his mind.

I could even “read” him nonverbally quite well, at least for the first couple of years, before he started getting hard to understand. He seemed to think I could be that way with everyone, when in fact I was only that way with him, my husband, my child and my cats. (It probably has to do with familiarity.)

I find making conversation with most people to be an exhausting chore. Most of what I “read” is from the words spoken and a few standard, obvious body language indications.

More subtle body language trips me up, such as–for example–I recently discovered that breaking into a conversation with a group of people is accomplished through eye contact and other subtle body movements. I had to read this in an article, because I didn’t know it instinctively.

No wonder I’ve always had so much trouble breaking into conversations with a bunch of chattery people! Usually somebody talks over me when I barely open my mouth, and then somebody else replies while I wait for that person to complete the thought.

Small talk is trouble because I just don’t know what to say, and saying “how are you” over and over seems too repetitive and dull. I’d much rather listen and wait for someone to bring up something I can contribute to.

I wasn’t being passive-aggressive, promising one thing and then doing another: No, I kept telling Richard that I couldn’t be close to Tracy because of all the crap she kept pulling, that I couldn’t open up to someone who treated me like an enemy, that I had to choose my own confidantes.

But I was kind to her, for his sake. I paid her compliments, sent her links to a local women’s forum so she could make friends, gave her a flower, changed diapers for her, asked for recipes….

I just wasn’t going to be “besties” with her. I had to keep my boundaries up or be subject to all sorts of hurt and pain from a mean girl. And, though I didn’t voice this, I wanted to be there for him and believe him whenever he told me about her abuses of him and the children.

From the horrible things she said to me when I ended the friendship, Tracy apparently thought I was being childish somehow (comments about me needing to “grow up and TALK”), or that it was deliberate.

In fact, when she behaved like a normal, decent person there was nothing deliberate about it: I’m quiet with most people, especially with more than one person at a time. I’ve always been quiet even with my longtime friend Catherine, usually letting others carry the conversation until I have something to contribute.

Whenever I saw Tracy behave well, I sighed with relief that this time, I had nothing to object to.

But whenever she started abusing her children, snipping at Richard or making fun of me, that’s when I just plain did not want to speak to her. I think most people would be the same, unless they’re good at faking pleasantries.

I tried to ignore her bullying because I’d always heard that’s what you should do, that bullies want to get a rise out of you, but she kept doing it anyway. I couldn’t read her at all except when she showed hostility. Even then, I didn’t know what the hostility was about.

So she was like a ticking time bomb. Usually, if she smiled I thought things were okay and maybe she liked me finally.

This blog post on intolerance and its comments resonate with me, because I tried to tell Richard time and time again what was really going on, explaining every reason I could think of for whatever incident he described (though not actually remembering it), and he’d supposedly tell Tracy.

But he would reject it as an excuse, and she would reject it outright because I wasn’t shy with him.

But that’s because I was very comfortable with him in particular! Being shy or quiet doesn’t mean you are that way with every single person on the planet, including your mother, children, husband, roommate, and best friend!

Also, this page sounds very familiar.

I believe she deliberately set me up to fail, and that the standards she sets for Richard’s friends are ridiculous and meant to weed out anybody she doesn’t like, especially ones who don’t see her as this wonderful person–as a means of controlling him, keeping him under her thumb, cutting him off from his support group who recognizes the abuser.

Our mutual friend Todd did not talk to her, just him, she said (like me).

Richard said Todd was wary of her (like me).

Todd is an introvert (like me).

He has been abused before (like me). I think people are more likely to recognize toxic people when they’ve been abused. He saw many of the same things in her that I did.

So in 2008, she made up an imaginary offense by Todd against her, refused to believe it did not exist, and smeared him with lies all over a game forum. So he broke off relations with her and Richard both, because Richard let her do it and eventually joined in.

This is very familiar….. More on this below.

So it wasn’t just about Tracy being afraid of other women stealing Richard, even though Richard did tell me about her jealousies of other women.

And who knows who Richard betrayed before us, since we weren’t the only friends he lost?

Richard told me one day that people would come up to them, say, “We’re sorry, but we just can’t deal with Tracy anymore,” and break off relations with them both. I don’t know how many have done this. He said this with her in the room listening, so I know it was true.

I wonder what she did to tick off those other friends so much. What kinds of things come up that make her so nasty to so many of her husband’s friends that they dump the friendship with him to get away from her?

They must have broken off relations with both of them because Tracy insisted on being friends with Richard’s friends.

Another friend was “at war” with her, told him (before they married) that Tracy would bring him trouble. Tracy got furious when she discovered that during the two months he lived with us, Richard had been talking to her. (How controlling!)

Another friend kept clashing with her, as well, and left. These are the ones I know about.

Todd hoped that Richard would wake up to how she was “driving all his friends away.”

Most people call me sweet, nice, innocent, kind, caring, loyal–but she eavesdropped and knew I found her possessive, controlling and abusive, so I was on her sh** list.

Meanwhile, if she got along fine with his other friends, she acted perfectly normal with them. See a pattern here?

If I treated Jeff and his friends that way, he’d complain to high heaven. Her ways lead to strife and lost friendships; our way leads to peace and contentment in the marriage and with others.

Why should I submit and say she’s right and I’m wrong? That would be a lie! Our way is innocent-till-proven guilty; none have been guilty, though many have been flirty and a few have offended me.

Tracy’s way is guilty-till-proven innocent. Look for guilt and you’ll find it, even where it doesn’t exist. Going further, treat a man like a cheater and he will cheat.

This video (by Sam Vaknin, himself a malignant narcissist, with insights into how they think) sounds like Tracy.

While Richard told me things Tracy was doing, Tracy–when Jeff drove her places–told him the bad things Richard was doing: lazy, unmotivated, etc.

She was upset that Richard wasn’t doing chores–

–while Richard was upset that he cleaned all the time but got yelled at for not cleaning, that she never did a thing to help out, that when he told her he needed help with chores she’d fume and pout for days.

Todd stayed with them a couple of times, and could vouch for Richard’s complaints.

It has been suggested that we were used as pawns by these people in their own power struggle.

Jeff also thinks that Tracy saw me as a threat to her marriage, but that it wasn’t about a potential affair, rather about me being Richard’s confidante.

He thinks she wanted a confidante, but didn’t want Richard to have one. He thinks she was afraid I’d convince Richard that he and the children were being treated badly, and he would leave.

Now, I never told Richard he should leave her. I did, however, say what I thought about how she treated him. Jeff kept his mouth shut, and he thinks that’s why he got along with her better. But now he wonders if he should have spoken up more.

Tracy yelled and screamed and cussed at any person who upset her, throwing tantrums–over a game–even at Todd, a family friend of six years. When he did something on an online game which she took as a power grab, instead of

seeing it as just a game after all,
calling Todd on the phone to ask what’s going on while giving him the benefit of the doubt, or
refraining her temper because it was after all a friend–

–she cussed at him and accused him right there on the game forum for all to read.

I saw the whole thing, because my husband was in that game, so I used his account to read the forums. Todd also opened up the private forums so we could see how the argument originated. From what I saw, it went from civility and Todd trying to help her, to Tracy all of a sudden freaking out over nothing.

It’s not at all surprising that Todd–who also has a fierce temper–got defensive instead of working with her. He asked a couple of people to help with talking to her, but they said she had “a stubborn as a rock mentality.” Richard, too, called her “immovable,” not just then but in general. (More on this incident is on the next page.)

Sometime during this whole mess, came allegations against Todd in his personal life. I won’t post them because I have no idea if the allegations were true, or if they were all part of the smear campaign against Todd, since they ended up on the forums.

But the next day, Jeff and I went to visit; Tracy gleefully said Todd needed to “grow up.”

Her smile was vindictive and happy, malicious, the cat who swallowed the canary, smiling lips but dangerous eyes–what I now know as a sociopathic smile or sociopathic smirk.

Which was yet more indication to me, during the 7/1/10 “incident” described later, that further discussions with her would be useless.

Todd couldn’t take it anymore and broke off the friendship with them both. Even months later, Tracy said she wanted him “at the bottom of the sea.” More details of this story are here.

She put the responsibility for her anger and abuse on others, but accused others of being “childish” and needing to “grow up.” She wouldn’t respect others, but demanded respect from them.

Being allowed full friendship benefits, however, was like a carrot constantly dangled above my head. Just whenever I thought I finally caught it, it was yanked away again: emotional blackmail.

It soon became very clear that my quiet, shy, introverted temperament was somehow a personal offense to her, that she expected me to turn into an outgoing extrovert, which is impossible.

I was supposed to participate in conversations with her just like an extrovert would, or someone who is not shy, but that is neurologically impossible for me, except with a few select people.

I felt like I was being forced to jump through hoops in order to be a normal friend with my best friend, hoops that kept getting placed higher and higher while I was constantly blamed for not making them.

Tracy was very manipulative of me through Richard, very manipulative and controlling of Richard, with all her threats and intimidation. Whether it was marriage or childrearing, I began thinking, “What would Tracy do?”–and doing the opposite.

They strategically plan how to break people down and hurt them or make them weak. This is done in either a surreptitious manner, an overt manner, or both.
They are a control freak. If they know something is important to you, they will use it to punish or control you, or try to prevent it from taking place (such as an important goal you are working toward)….
If they know something is important to you, they will in some way try to deprive you of it or make you jump through hoops for it. –Joyful Alive Woman, Behaviors and attitudes of the narcissist

It’s highly unlikely that you can make a bully understand that the way he or she treats you is abusive. These people won’t take ownership for their bad behaviors.
They always have a justification and rationalization. It’s your fault. You “made” them treat you badly.
In order for the emotionally abusive person to see their behavior for what it is, they have to be able to tolerate cognitive dissonance. –Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD, 7 Things you need to know about emotional abuse and bullies

If you know a narcissist’s history, you will usually see a track of mysterious upheavals in his life. He suddenly up and moves to a different school or job in a different town every few years.
That is, every time the good angels in his Pathological Space start comparing notes, get his number, and become enraged.
In one narcissist I know of, these upheavals began with one in the eighth grade. “What Makes Narcissists Tick” pg. 79
…This history of past upheavals can be more subtle than the narcissist having to physically pull up stakes and move to a new place….
As I look back over [my mother’s] life for the last four decades it is very evident that she indeed does defecate all over her Pathological Space requiring her to abandon particular social circles with predictable regularity. This has been repeated over, and over, and over again….
If you are acquainted with someone who keeps telling you about how they had to get rid of this person, that person and the other person where all the blame rests on the other party–you are witnessing a “history of past upheavals” and it is a sign you are looking at a narcissist.
Moving about geographically is only one outward sign of past upheavals. High turnover in social circles and relationships is the subtler sign.
…In fact, another red flag is being hated — I mean really hated — for mysterious reasons. And by people that hating is uncharacteristic of….–“What Makes Narcissist Tick”, pg. 79
This red flag is well understood by those of us who have been through hell with a narcissist and found ourselves loathing them and forcing no contact for our protection.
Unfortunately, most people out there in the world…are far too quick to judge what they don’t know. They are quick to condemn our hatred of a malignant narcissist as being wrong.
They are naive to a fault about people who are capable of earning such hatred — so they condemn us. This red flag should be put on billboards and written with sky-writing:
Respect the fact that people do things for reasons therefore don’t be willing to judge what you know nothing of. –Anna Valerious, More Red Flags: History of Past Upheavals & Hated for Mysterious Reasons