Sharon wrote in the Journal,
Nyssa, answering your inquiry about how I used to see you. For a long time you were very quiet and never said anything. You sat with all of us at meals but you never joined in the conversations. We didn’t really know you. You were a part of the group, but you were a stranger for a long time.
I asked you to room with me this year for a reason. I didn’t know you and I could tell there was an extremely interesting person in that shy, reserved exterior. And I was right.
You talk so much more than you used to. You are a completely different person than I had once thought. I love the ‘you’ that I have gotten to know this past year. Meeting the real ‘you’ has been one of the highlights of my year 🙂 .
I’m surprised you say you didn’t really know me before and that I didn’t talk much. It seemed different to me. I had long talks with you and Pearl and others, and I felt closer to you all than I did to almost everyone else. Like here were people that actually knew me. Now I’m a bit confused about the whole thing.
I didn’t mean to make you doubt yourself or the way you see yourself now or in the past. You really didn’t talk to me as much as you talked to Pearl (and Cindy when you lived in Krueger).
You did talk a lot when you were with one person, but I usually saw you with the “group” and you really didn’t say much. But that’s not bad. Usually I don’t say much in the midst of a large conversation. I just can’t keep up and my mind goes blank.
I was the only one in the apartment with a Winterim class. Sharon and Pearl were probably working at their work-study jobs, giving them an excuse to stay in the apartment during Winterim. Tara had an internship, and also stayed in the apartment.
For me, the studying wasn’t at all bad, though, because I enjoyed the Celtic Roots class. I think I often read the chapters at work in the morning. In the afternoon, I practiced playing the tin whistle while my friends were out of the room.
Yes, studying the tin whistle was part of the class, since Dr. Bard, the teacher, played French folk music with his wife. They even played at the campus Open Mike and at gigs around the area.
Dr. Bard, a 30ish, social science teacher with glasses, had red hair and a beard, and combed his hair down over a bald spot to look like bangs.
We had two textbooks, little paperbacks. The Celts by Nora Chadwick was one. The class and even the teacher agreed that this, though informative, was very dry. Still, I found it useful when writing my novel Tojet.
We liked The Elements of The Celtic Tradition by Caitlin Matthews a lot better. It was a fun book, going into the religion of the Celts, from pagan days to after they converted to Christianity.
She, a Druid, included exercises in the back of the book for such things as finding your totem or your destiny through meditations. But in the rest of the book I noticed no bias for or against any religion.
Helene and Catherine had Celtic class along with me, and I would usually sit between them. The class was held in the Honors classroom, room number 24 in Old Main. We had a lot of fun in that class, and would talk about it afterwards. It seemed everyone in the class had a good time.
I believe we all had to pay for our tin whistles, but once we did and Dr. Bard gave them to us, we’d practice simple songs for the first fifteen minutes of each class. The tin whistle played like a recorder, with very little wind, which was good for me because I didn’t have enough wind in me to play anything more strenuous. (It’s hard enough for me just to talk loud.)
When the course ended, Dr. Bard asked how many of us would continue to play our tin whistles. Most of us raised our hands, including me. However, though I still have the music sheets we used, along with sheets showing examples of knotwork, I haven’t played my tin whistle since 1998.
This class helped me get over Phil by giving me something fun to do that wouldn’t remind me of him, and by proving I didn’t need him to have a good life.
One day, in fact, Catherine and I and maybe Helene went to check mail in the Campus Center, as we did every day (though I, of course, couldn’t check mine there anymore). We took out our tin whistles and practiced a particularly challenging and beautiful tune, which we learned in class that day.
The door to the Pub was across from the mailboxes, so I happened to see that Phil was in the Pub. I hoped he’d see and hear us, that he’d realize I moved on and was now doing new and interesting things. I wanted him surprised to see me standing there playing a tin whistle. I wanted him to think he’d lost a talented, imaginative, and intelligent person, and would never get her back again.
We were supposed to practice our tin whistles outside of class. One day soon after we started playing them in class, Brigitte said she was practicing hers in her dorm room one day when a girl went out into the hall and cried, “What is that?”
On probably the 18th or 19th of January, Dr. Bard taught us how to draw Celtic knotwork. Mine wasn’t very good, but during class I began to practice. During the lectures and while we listened to various types of modern Celtic music, I drew knotwork all over my plain Roanoke folder (which was my Winterim folder) and colored it with my yellow highlighter.
At night, I filled in the knotwork with other colors as well, using a set of markers. I drew spirals, knotwork, snakes and torques, and I even filled in various letters and other things with the highlighter. In the end, it was a folder to be proud of. Of course, by then I was probably done with the course, so I used it for other things.
We sometimes listened to old- or new-fashioned Celtic music in class. When we did, there was little else for us to do except listen. Helene said to me once, “Dr. Bard should notice how uncomfortable people get during the music, and maybe play it in the background while we’re doing other things.” We liked the music, but it would be more pleasant to listen to it that way.
At least several people in the class were Christians like us. One girl, however, was vehemently anti-Christian. She was bad-tempered and seemed to like nothing better than to sit there and rip on Christians.
She spoke of a Christian couple who used to live next door to her when she was a child, and treated her awfully. We Christians wondered what they had done to her, and wished she’d realize that one couple did not represent all Christians or Christianity.
When a group of Wiccans spoke to the class, she was intrigued and asked many questions. But religion should not be about running away from or rebelling against another religion. It should be about true beliefs.
We learned about the head-cult of the Celts, that they displayed the heads of defeated enemies and sometimes even drank out of their skulls. Dr. Bard also told us that the one who came late to a revel (or meeting?) got his head chopped off.
I looked at Catherine, and we joked that if we lived back then, we would be dead before we reached age 21. I drew a stick-figure cartoon about this: First there were the feasters, then some guy came late and got his head chopped off, and then the feasters went back to their revel. I wish I could find it now.
On the 16th, three speakers explained to us the modern-day Wiccan religion as it relates to the Celtic nature religions. I wasn’t sure what to think about them at first because at least one of them wore a black T-shirt and an upright pentacle on a chain around his neck. This one also had long, dark hair, and looked to be no older than his 20s or 30s.
(I knew nothing about the pentacle other than its supposed “Satanist” associations.) The other two were a married couple, not yet middle-aged, who were Christian Wiccan. Dr. Bard had invited them. (I have no idea what Dr. Bard’s religious beliefs were, by the way.)
(For the truth about the pentacle and pentagram, click here.)
They gave fascinating information about Neo-Pagans and their beliefs, and how Celtic nature religions fit into the Middle Ages. The class took notes. The speakers said the Church Christianized certain holidays to help keep new, formerly pagan converts from turning back to their old ways.
Now, since then, I’ve heard various theories about why holidays and pagan deities were Christianized. This is one; another is that the pagans-turned-Christians themselves made deities into saints and pagan holidays into Christian ones because they didn’t want to give up their beliefs.
Another view is that the Christian missionaries were wise and adaptable in incorporating the local festivals rather than just forbidding them. And, of course, a view you commonly hear is that the Christian church just wanted to steal everybody else’s religious practices. I reject that view wholeheartedly. See here for more information.
The speakers said some Wiccans, like them, actually believe in both Christianity and Wicca, and are called Christian Wiccans.
They also explained some of the magic they use, that it’s a science, that it isn’t always so much casting a spell as it is positive thinking and changing yourself to get what you want, just as a businessperson might wear power suits to be more successful.
They also explained other kinds of magic that actually used spells and the powers of creation. They said love spells weren’t charms, but learning how to change yourself and your traits to be more attractive to the person you love, so he/she will want to date you.
One of the traditional students, a girl, her religion unknown to me, said, “But if you have to change yourself to be more attractive to this person, aren’t you better off finding someone else who appreciates you the way you are?” She was right, of course, though I don’t remember what, if anything, the speakers said in reply.
One day, on Catherine’s request, a friend of hers from the SCA, Ayesha, came to speak to the class. (I can use her name because she has long since passed away.) She was about 35, with short, dark hair.
I’d just heard about the SCA, or Society for Creative Anachronisms, a medieval re-creation group, over Christmas. A couple met in the South Bend SCA group, then the Shire of White Waters, and had an SCA wedding ceremony. The South Bend Tribune ran an article about it. I thought the SCA sounded neat.
Though my friends apparently knew all along, I had no idea that Catherine used to go to SCA meetings when we were freshmen. Ayesha was a member of the Catherine’s group, which I later discovered was a certain shire, based in S– and M–.
After Ayesha spoke to the class, I went with Catherine as she helped Ayesha take her speech props back to her car in the Jubilee parking lot. They tried to talk me into joining the SCA, and I thought about giving it a shot.
Catherine told me there were “hot guys in the SCA, and they love to flirt with you.” This attracted me: Now that several months had passed since the breakup, the Vampire train had derailed, and neither of my crushes were interested, I felt ready to find a new man or two.
She said the meetings would suit me because they were always late and laid-back. They’d go on for hours, constantly getting sidetracked, and then someone would say, “Hey, isn’t Star Trek:TNG on?” and turn it on.
(She hadn’t been to a meeting for some time, so neither of us knew they’d become more businesslike and boring.)
These SCA people were also like Catherine and loved to hug.
I wrote a story for my presentation, which was in place of a final. I sat down with paper and my Iona (Christian Celtic) tapes, made a list of Celtic names I found, and wrote a story about a girl named Gwyn Duncan. I thought Gwyn was a girl’s name, but later found out it was probably male.
The story was short and simple, with a few sets of lyrics and a typically Celtic, unhappy ending. It was about a girl taken by the sidhe, or fairies. It took a few hours to finish, and once started and put into a Celtic mood by Iona, I didn’t want to break the spell for anything.
I later revised the story, typed it up, and decorated it with various Celtic-style pictures. I read it in class on the 27th. As I read, I tried to forget myself and just read, because if I remembered I was reading in front of a classroom full of students I’d get nervous and self-conscious.
When I finished I passed it around before giving it to the teacher, so everyone could see the pictures. I didn’t know what people would think of my story, and feared they’d think it was stupid, but this wasn’t the case at all.
Dr. Bard liked it and gave me 50 points out of 50, along with this note: “A good story integrating much Celtic terminology and imagery. I enjoyed reading it. Good work!”
Helene complimented me on it and its simplicity, though she didn’t like Brì marrying Elva at the end. I think one reason for the sad ending was my own cynicism about love at the time. Another reason was to make it seem more Celtic, since Celtic stories were typically depressing.
I’ve made a few minor changes: Gwyn Duncan became Goewin daughter of Duncan, the tin whistle became a flute–basically, grammar fixes and things which fit better historically. I also added short definitions, since the story was originally written for a class familiar with the Celtic terms.
One of the non-trad women in the class made a variety of Celtic foods for her presentation. She feared she hadn’t made them right, but I told her they were delicious. There were different types of breads, including one that was called barmbrak or something like that, and there may have been other kinds of food as well.
Remember the girl who detested Christians? She did a Celtic pre-battle ritual. She even passed around a real, human skull full of sparkling grape juice. She said it was clean, but I passed it on without drinking from it. Ewww! Catherine and Helene also took a pass. But Dr. Bard took a big swig.
Brigitte did her presentation on her clan’s history (she had a Scottish last name). She discovered that it was related to Kenneth MacAlpine. After class I told her we were probably related, because my own ancestry goes back to MacAlpine through Duncan I.
Some people said Brigitte had a crush on James, whom she knew from Circle K. James was sure popular that year! He wasn’t a handsome stud, either, so you can’t blame it on that. Some men don’t have to be handsome to be desirable.
I heard that she was amusingly obvious about her crush, and asked James to take her places all the time. She succeeded, and the latest Roanoke alumni book shows that James married her and moved to Green Bay.
Dr. Bard showed us beautiful medallions his mother made, which were painted with figures of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John from the Book of Kells. They had metal loops at the back so they could be strung onto necklaces. He told us we could buy them for about $3 (if I remember correctly).
I couldn’t get mine until at least Wednesday, February 15, after Winterim was already over, and he was afraid I would never buy it, but I was just in time to get the St. John. I chose that one because I liked the eagle, and it was the prettiest. Catherine bought the St. Mark. (Anyone who knows us personally knows why this is ironic and funny.)
I strung the medallion on a spare chain. Maybe it belonged to one of my old watches, or maybe it was a chain my Irish penpal sent me for Christmas 1991. Later, Cugan cut me a leather thong for it instead, making it more “period” for SCA events. (More about him later.)
Table of Contents
December 1991: Ride the Greyhound
January 1992: Dealing with a Breakup with Probable NVLD
March 1992: Shawn: Just Friends or Dating?
April 1992: Pledging, Prayer Group–and Peter’s Smear Campaign
October 1992–Shawn’s Exasperating Ambivalence:
Summer 1993: Music, Storm and Prophetic Dreams
- Classmate a stand-in for “Rudy”; Jigging at College Dance
- Library Tales
- Happiness Returns
- Living with Friends in Krueger
- Funny Library Stories
- Shawn Calls
- Psycho Roommates and Bug Wars
- Return of Rick
- Adjusting to New Dorm
- Spitball-Throwing Teacher
- Rat-Obsessed Teacher and Doctor Zhivago
- A Teacher Dated a Student; InterVarsity Fun
- Charlie Peacock Concert
- Random Stories
- Letter to Shawn
- Erotic Vampire Dream (Inspiration for Alexander Boa)
- I Ask Out James
- Peter Calls!
- The Fateful First Meeting of Phil
- The Birth of Dolphin Philosophy
- Our Group of Friends Splits Apart
- Spring Classes
- Big Red Flag: Phil’s Dysfunctional Family Life
- The Drunken Stork (Phil’s Controlling Nature Manifests)
- Idealizing Phase and Early Sign of Control
- Phil Tries to Control my Friendships, Unfair Accusations from his Dad and Brother
- Phil Gaslights Me with Fake Dreams, Ridicule and Psychological Abuse
- Another Pre-Engagement
June 1994–Bits of Abuse Here and There:
- The Abuse Worsens in the Summer of Hell
- Phil rapes me anally
- Phil tries to control me through refusing everything I want–even proper hygiene
- Phil’s cruel hoax on me: his “subconscious” coming out to be with me
- Phil’s “subconscious” explains why he’s coming out to talk to me
- The lies unravel as Phil admits to conning me; also, fright as my periods turn wacky
- How Phil’s behavior fit the signs of abuse
- Phil Mindscrews Me: changes history, blames me for things that were not my fault, treats me like an idiot during games
- Phil says if he abuses me, it takes two people to sign the divorce papers
- Pearl reveals that Phil is costing me social invitations
- Hints that Phil is checking out of the marriage
September 1994–Divorce: The Long, Dark, Painful Tunnel:
- Phil picks fights and avoids responsibilities to make me feel like a shrew
- My husband Phil, Dave and Pearl call me a party pooper for getting a Grade II concussion
- I’m ecstatic to be back with my friends (the ones Phil hates); I meet Charles
- Phil vanishes without a word of why
- Phil wants a divorce
- My friends tells me that Phil is controlling and possessive
- My first Pentecostal church service: They speak in tongues
- Phil refuses to accept responsibility for the divorce
- Phil cuts off contact
- Attack of Phil’s Flying Monkey and Sycophant: Dirk
- Phil the narcissist admits to manipulating people and using them as pawns in his game with me
- Phil comes crawling back to me–and we put our marriage on paper
- Phil demands my complete submission and forces me into oral sex–and my will is broken, for fear he’ll divorce me again
- Phil walks away from me again–because I dare to have my own mind, opinions and needs–and because he’s a sociopath
- Fierce anger against Phil and PTSD from the abuse
- My friends tell me Phil is psychotic
- “Soul Ties”
- I return Phil’s things and he skewers me; consolation from friends
- My letter to Phil
- Phil shows my letter to his friends; I’m triggered by reminder of forced oral sex
- I start dating Charles
- Friends tell me Phil is controlling
- I feel stalked by Phil
- Poem about being stalked by Phil
- Fury at Phil stalking me and rubbing my face in his new relationship
- A Date with the Vampire
- Celtic Class: Knotwork, Tin Whistles, SCA–and Drinking from a Skull
- The Teddy-O Incident; Birth of These Memoirs
- We Hook Up to the Internet–and Shawn Fixates on My Sex Life
- New Guy Begging at My Feet
- Life on TCB
- Meeting Cugan (Hubby)
- Learning my ex Peter was a love-fraud; New Men
- Before Tracy, There Was the Avenger (Sociopathic Female Bullies Pt 1)
- Torn between three men as Catherine pushes me toward Cugan
- The Love Rectangle
- Torn between FIVE men! Me?
- Persephone’s Own Outrageous Stories of Phil’s Abuse
- College-style living
- Online Shenanigans
- Phil Finds TCB; Meeting a Hit Man
- Gypsy’s Party: Healed friendship with Peter
- The Avenger Starts a Flame War (Sociopathic Female Bullies Pt 2)
- Meeting the elusive Speaker
- First Date with Future Hubby Cugan
- On Breaking Up with Kindness
- Loony Roommies and Flying Gargoyles
- The Goddess of Pleasure and Salt
- A Conversation with Oscar Wilde
- My First SCA Event
- Cugan: a vast improvement over Phil
- Easter with Cugan’s family and SCA
- Cugan breaks up with me
- After breakup: Phil’s return and trolls
- Cugan comes back
- SCA hippies; college senioritis: anxiety!
- Or should I move back in with my parents?
- Peace with Phil
- Defending my Thesis; Graduating with Honors
- Graduation: Trapped at school
- Epilogue and Apology from Phil