Forgiving my abusive ex, Phil

First of all, the ICE raids are pulling up citizens in their dragnets–and immigrants who have been following all the laws.  So now people at my church are worried that they or their relatives could be next.  That if they leave the country they won’t be able to get back in.  First or second generation immigrants who have been here for decades and are middle-aged/elderly respected members of the congregation.  Are these the dangerous criminals Tr**p said he’d be deporting?  They, like me, spent July 4 thinking about what the holiday stands for while wondering if that free country even exists anymore.

Second, I got in touch with Phil again.  I hadn’t heard from him in years, and he hadn’t even seen a message I sent him several years ago, so I went looking for him, and sure enough, he had a new Facebook account.  As for his most recent ex-fiancee, she had remarried–and then passed away two years ago from cancer.  His Linkedin account hadn’t been touched in six years from the look of it, except that–sometime after I last checked it, a date which I can’t possibly remember anymore–he had put up a profile picture.

And it was him with his arm holding me close, in college.

I wondered how Phil would react to me sending him a message, and–he was delighted to hear from me.  We chatted for about an hour last Sunday evening.  He’s in a terrible state.  I don’t want to be spreading all the details on the web, just–he didn’t get “cured” by the doctors six years ago.  He still has issues.  He’s never remarried.  He’s lonely.  After I spoke to him, after a hiatus of three months, he started posting on Facebook again about being lonely.

And I just couldn’t be angry with him anymore.  I felt full forgiveness for him at last.  Based on things he has told me and other people about me in the past 30 years, I wonder if he even remembers things the same way I do.  He would talk me up–to his future and now ex-wife–like I was perfect.  He would say I was the one person he should’ve stayed with.  Even in the fall of 1994, he told me it was the best summer of his life because he spent it with me–and all I could remember was the abuse.  And I’d wonder why he broke up with me, then.

I think it’s an honest question considering his mental health issues and how his brain was affected by them: Does he remember things the same way?  Does he remember his abuse?  Is he two different people remembering two different sets of events?  This is all speculation, of course, but it is based on the puzzling things he says and the things that his ex-fiancee posted on her Facebook in 2019.

A little googling reveals that whie his disorders don’t cause split personalities, they can cause memory loss, especially during a manic or depressive state, which is when the abuses are most likely to happen.

And if I had stayed with him, my life would’ve been messed up.  I probably would’ve been penniless, or very poor, considering I never had the kind of skills and abilities that bring in the money.  Instead, I have a 30-year relationship, a small house nearly paid off, a stable life….A friend thought it possible that I could’ve helped him, but too many women have already tried and failed–including me in 1994.  Even then, his mental health challenges were showing, as he suffered a nervous breakdown and I was there for him.  Back then, he showed so much promise in math and acting; 30 years later, he has struggled to maintain employment.

In reviewing a webpage giving symptoms of one of his disorders, I can tick off a whole lot of them that I know apply, regarding his behavior, his relationships, employment, etc.–all things which could explain where all the abuse came from, and the issues he is currently dealing with.  Now to get things straight–It does not EXCUSE the abuse and sexual assault, but it does show me how broken of a person he really is.  It shows me vividly how he always wanted relationships but pushed them away because of the disorders, leaving himself unhappy.  And that helps me to forgive him and relieve myself of lingering suspicions that I brought any of it on myself.  These disorders were present since birth.

After I reconnected with him, I had a couple of days of memories flooding into my brain–good and bad, desire as well as severe abuse.  There was the realization that THIS IS THE OTHER PERSON from all these memories, the one person on Earth who remembers them with me, who experienced them with me, who did all those things with and to me.  It’s so rare that I actually speak with him that this is a strange feeling after all these years.  And the way he spoke to me is like he still has fond memories of me, still cares, maybe even still carries a torch or is limerent for me.

But despite issues in my own marriage, the fact that my own husband likely has his own mental health issues (which he has acknowledged), the fact remains that my life is fairly stable.  It also sounds like I won’t have to go back to paid work, like I can focus on running the household and helping the church and writing.  If you put the two relationships on a scale, the 9-month pseudo-marriage with Phil is still far heavier with troubles.  I’d be insane to walk back into that.  And he shows no indication of trying to restart anything or transgress boundaries.  Instead, he’s trying to improve his life and move forward.