Freaked out by spotting my blog stalker on the street just now
NOTE 9-15-14: This was posted because I wanted my stalkers’ antics to be on the public record. I didn’t care that my stalkers would see it, that they did in fact read it. What I cared about was that the rest of the world could know what these people were doing.
A little over an hour ago, around 1pm, I left my house for an errand which I won’t describe, for safety purposes. As I walked up to an intersection, I saw a familiar-looking van with at least one familiar-looking child in it.
As they pulled up to the stop sign, I was close enough to see the oldest girl (the one who, according to the information in the newspaper report, was choked). I recognized her; our eyes met.
Even though I was bundled up against the cold, I’m almost certain she recognized me, because she started twisting in her seat and crying out, the way she does when she sees Hubby or me. I suppose I should have waved at her, but I was too stunned to think of it.
In any case, I’m quite sure the driver knew it was me, because of the little girl telling him/her. And well, one of them will be reading this post, almost for sure, so they’ll confirm it.
I couldn’t tell for sure if it was Richard or Tracy in the driver’s seat, but thought it was Richard. They drove off, turning down the street I was walking down.
I now knew for sure it was them because of the back/license plate. Oh, look, now there are even more bumper stickers on the back.
So just think: If I’d left off putting down salt on the walkway before leaving home, I would’ve left the house a few seconds earlier, and made it to the intersection right as Richard drove up.
I would’ve had to watch to make sure he was waiting for me to cross….Then again, because I had to cross the street twice, since the sidewalk ends on that side of the street, and he was turning that way.
He would have seen me, for sure. It would have been…..awkward, to say the least.
I was shaken up all during the following hour as I did my errand.
But hey, it happens on occasion. It’s weird that it happens so often, because we’re not some dinky little town, we have some 50,000 people, they live a couple of miles away, those kids go to a different school, and there’s a more direct route from their house to the street we were heading to.
No, I do not go out at the same time every day. But I could swear it’s been happening more often since they found my blog.
But what really creeped me out was about an hour or so later, on my way home, they passed me AGAIN.
There’s the back of the van with the political bumper stickers.
This was a different path than they took before, and leads right past my house.
Um…..
Probably just coincidence, but the timing was perfect–twice in the same day, just an hour apart. I had to blog about it to get out the shakes and nerves.
This time I made a little wave–half-sarcastically, half-for the little girl if she saw me. And half to let him know that yes, I know it’s you, and yes, it’s me. Yes, I will be blogging about it.
There is a gesture I really wanted to make instead, but I’m too much of a lady for that. And you can’t see it through a mitten.
Update 1:38am, 1/26: Blogging did help quite a bit. I began to calm down shortly afterwards. There’s just something so therapeutic about writing…..
I believe blogging and other means by which ordinary people get to speak their mind are in the process of revolutionizing our culture similarly to the way the printing press led to a change in medieval society. —Debra Baker in a comment to a post on The Wartburg Watch
Blogs help people realize they aren’t the only one who feel this way. We can support one another.
And that is what I see as the real Body of Christ, yes even on blogs, even when we have not met in person or only know each other by a pseudonym.
Blogs are a powerful vehicle for processing abuse. —Julie Anne Smith in a comment to the same post
Update 8:40pm: As my old friend Shawn used to say, it’s not paranoia when they really are out to get you.
And these two have threatened me, as I documented here, and they still watch my blog constantly; I have detailed records proving it.
Even my mother told me, when this first started last spring, to keep an eye out for them while walking, to protect myself. (Hypervigilance or hyperarousal is also a symptom of PTSD.)
I am also well aware of their vindictive nature, having witnessed Tracy’s revenge on Todd, and Tracy’s snarky and smearing revenge on me for telling my husband how she was abusing Richard, me and the children.
Having witnessed Richard’s revenge on Todd, and Richard actually calling me up one day in mid-2009 and telling me he was going to assault their apartment manager while she was in her office, for evicting them, do it so she’d never see who it was, “And I’ll make it look like I was never there.”
I got the impression that his past as a Mafia thug, which he had just described to me the day before, gave him the ability to do such a thing. I got the impression that he would kill her. Only his wife could finally talk him out of it.
Richard once physically threatened my husband for confronting Richard about his behavior toward me (e-mail documented here).
These are people who, after I made it very clear they were to stay away from me and not contact me, contacted me with still more of the sewer sludge that caused us to sever relations with them in the first place, because we don’t want to hear it anymore–and they added threats.
These are people who were well aware of how shaken and upset I felt whenever I saw them (having read it in my blogs), and that I did not want to see them anymore, and deliberately came to my church on purpose to upset me and force me to see them.
These are people who knew I blocked their static IP computer from my blog and website, so began using their dynamic IP cell phone to access them.
These are people who read my posts about fear and dread of seeing abusers again, who know I wish they would move away, and made snarks about that in the e-mail I documented here.
So even if the oddly increased number of times their vehicle happens to go by at just the right moment to pass me, is just coincidence–
–Their established behavior and boundary violations make it necessary to keep an eye out–and to document it all here on the Net, just in case.
Healing is work, the hardest you’ll ever do. It is not something that happens spontaneously as in the case of a scrape or bruise. It requires a great deal of conscious effort, research and help.
It is easy to become trapped in an identity of being his ex. It is HIS trap and his way of remaining in contact with you.
Imagine that your ex-pathological has implanted a device in your soul that feeds on your pain and fears. In essence that’s what they do. It’s a way of staying connected with you even if you never see or hear from him again.
The good news is that the device does have limitations and a life span. It malfunctions and becomes weaker every time we recognize that our pain and fear are his pleasure and reject them whole cloth.
I still trigger on occasion. Perhaps it’s a song on the radio, a smell, or something I see that reminds me of him.
The difference is that now, after a great deal of hard work, I am able to recognize triggers for what they are, thereby disabling them from feeding what’s left of my own implant.
In fact, I have developed the ability to recognize it almost immediately and have caught myself laughing out loud while thinking, “Oh, there you are again! I know what you are!”
Breaking contact with your ex-pathological means disabling his device. It’s an experience I hope all of you come to know.
I don’t think we ever totally get past what has happened to us, but I do believe we get to a place that our experiences take on a different light. One that feels more like a bad dream that has stuck with us for a long time. Who was that woman? Was she me? I believe that the woman I was with him was not me. Resurfacing is the final step toward living well. –Laura Kamienski, Resurfacing Hope
Grieving the loss of a relationship with a N has many layers. They are not the usual layers of grieving a healthy person.
The problem is that some of the layers ARE the same as grieving a healthy person but then there are layers reserved only for the loss of a N relationship, which are not understood by the ‘civilian’ population and can ONLY be understood by those who have survived a significant relationship with a N…. –Grieving the Narcissist, full post here in the left margin
At first I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. I was out of the horror that was the relationship and though he left me almost emotionally and monetarily bankrupt I was free of the lies, accusations, insults and comments. So why every night did I relive it all in my mind? Over and over again.
Then there was going to places we had been. I had chosen to move closer to my exN because I needed to move to a cheaper place but I also wanted to help out my partner as he kept complaining about how much the petrol cost to come see me as I did not have a car. The cost to come to him by train wasn’t cheap either but I never complained.
I moved to the same town he lived in and for the almost 2 years we were together we spent a lot of time there. After he [devalued and discarded] me I found it hard to walk into town.
I would get nauseous and shake. I was constantly looking around thinking he would be there and I would have to see him. Once I was actually physically ill. —Jewish Warrior Princess, PTSD
[UPDATE 8/17/13:] There has been no sign of them anywhere since they saw this post on January 29. Before and after they found my blog, I would see them once in a while, on the street, at Greek Fest, or at church. My husband would see them at the store. Sometimes I saw their pictures in the newspaper, online or print.
After they found my blog, I could swear I was seeing them around more often: Last August, for example, they came to my church, then afterwards I saw them pass our car as we waited to leave a fast-food restaurant driveway. Then another time that summer or fall, Tracy drove past me as I biked to an errand.
But since they saw this post, I haven’t seen them AT ALL. Not at church. Not at Greek Fest. Not even my husband has seen them at the store. I haven’t even seen them on the street! Heck, I haven’t even seen pictures of them in the newspaper.
I know they’re still in town because I see them in my stats once in a while. Did they get a new vehicle/license plate? Or could they be doing this deliberately so as not to scare me anymore?
Or could it be related to a post (now removed) which they read on January 30, in which I posted part of an e-mail conversation which proved that either Richard and/or Tracy had lied to me about our sticking point, and falsely accused me?