Yet another milestone reached in healing my heart from the betrayal by my former best friend:
A few months ago, I DVR’d The Trial, a 1962 movie with Anthony Perkins and Orson Welles, based on Franz Kafka’s unfinished work of the same name. I wanted to see it again, but I wondered how I’d take watching it again: My former best friend and I watched it–dang, nearly 9 years ago now–back when he lived with us. We loved it, and it sort of felt like “our movie.”
You see, I don’t know how it is for neurotypicals, but I attach sentimental value to movies I see with close friends. That movie now connects to them, no matter how many years have passed, especially if I saw it for the first time with them. Such as Addams Family Values, which I saw in the theater with my best friend from high school. Or Wayne’s World 2, which I saw with my college roommies, or Lord of the Rings, which I saw with several old college friends along with the Hubby.
I watched many movies with my former best friend while he lived with us and after he moved out. I don’t remember them all, but the ones I do remember, have attached to him. So I have avoided those movies ever since.
Last year, I watched The Apostle for the first time since 2008, when I saw it with Richard, my former best friend. Then, too, I feared that it would twinge my heart to watch it, but no, it didn’t. Same with many songs which attached to him back then; I hear them now and then on my favorite Goth webstream or in my MP3s, but they no longer twinge my heart. They used to be so painful to hear that I didn’t listen to them for years after Richard–who turned out to be a narcissist–betrayed me.
I feared The Trial would hurt to watch, while at the same time looking forward to watching it.
(First I wanted to re-read the book, which I first read in 2010. I then lent it to Richard, but the betrayal happened, so I got it back from him, and it was covered in spaghetti sauce. I thought I cleaned it, but found yet another stain before reading it a few weeks ago. Yet more evidence that he wasn’t the friend I thought he was: He didn’t even have consideration for my books. 😛 )
I feared it would hurt to read, but it didn’t at all. I barely thought about Richard while reading it. Then tonight I watched it and–no, no pain at all. Well, other than the typical purist reaction to a favorite book being adapted into a movie and things getting changed. I barely thought about Richard while watching, except to think, “Hey, it’s not painful after all.”
I guess time really does heal, even when you think the hurt is too deep. Think of how it would feel to Sam if Frodo finally threw him over for good: That’s how deep the wound was for me. Only to discover later that Richard apparently didn’t feel at all the same.
Of course, I don’t know if actually physically seeing him again would hurt like it did back in 2010 and 2011, when he came to my church. Maybe, maybe not. Probably not nearly as bad.
When I saw him back then, after a year of healing and recovering, I came home and bent over crying, then was plunged back into a deep depression. So you see, this is why I haven’t wanted to see him at church again. (I haven’t wanted to see his wife, either, but that’s because she’s probably the meanest person I’ve ever known.)
I have worried about this for years, especially when the hypothetical merger of my church with his, became reality earlier this year. But I still haven’t seen him there, so I doubt he wants anything to do with my church. So I don’t think I should worry and wonder about that possibility anymore. Which would be good, because that worry has been gnawing at my stomach for years now.
There are several movies which I haven’t seen in about 9 years, since I saw them with him, even though they’re old favorites. I have avoided them on purpose. Maybe it’s time to pull them out again.