- Spring Classes; Crush on a Teacher; Lit Teacher Becomes My Writing Mentor; “Ugh” Poem
- Sexual Relations with Shawn (sexual user): The Downward Spiral to a Crash
February came, and it was time to start working in Food Service again. I signed up to work lunch, still avoiding weekend hours.
Apparently I cut back my hours so my arm wouldn’t be put under needless strain, because these were my hours: 11 to 12:30 on Monday and Wednesday and 11 to 1:30 on Thursday, a grand total of five and a half hours.
I found myself with different people. One was a woman with brown, wavy hair and glasses, a married non-trad who was a few years older than I was. Clarissa sometimes worked with me. One was an elderly woman. One was a sweet, blond guy with sky-blue eyes and a mustache. I had a small crush on him.
The atmosphere was totally different now, and I liked it better. For one thing, people didn’t complain about my music, shut it off, or block out all non-rap. Most of the bossing around came to an end.
Grapes were popular missiles, especially with the brunette, who loved to throw them at the guy and the rest of us.
One day, the guy found a big crack in a bowl. He hurled it across the room and it crashed into the wastebasket, shocking us all. “Cracks like that are full of germs,” he said.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays from 2 to 3:40pm in a cold room in the basement of Old Main, I attended a class (World Lit) which was so pleasant that I dreaded the end of the year.
One reason for this was the handsome young teacher, Wesley, fresh out of graduate school and maybe 26 at the most. He had short, dark hair, glasses, and a cute face, and he seemed tall. I spent many a lecture happily gazing at him as he spoke.
And they weren’t really lectures, either: they were open to discussion. In fact, because of his youth he brought a fresh perspective to the dusty old literature of the past.
Rather than spending all our time dissecting metaphors, we spoke about the things none of our other teachers did: sex, for example. We read Lysistrata and Lolita, after all.
When we read The Odyssey, he noted that while Odysseus’ wife got praises for her fidelity after all those years apart, Odysseus himself would end up in some woman’s love-nest and then say, “Oh, but I didn’t enjoy it.”
When we read Lolita (that “famous book by Nabokov” about a pedophile, mentioned in “Don’t Stand so Close to Me” by the Police), some of the students in the class got together. They chose a young man as spokesman and he said,
“We just have to wonder about you because you say this is your favorite book.”
Wesley insisted he didn’t assign the book because of the “Long Island Lolita” stuff which had recently gone on. (The story of teenage Amy Fisher trying to kill the wife of her adult lover, Joey Buttafucco, had been all over the news.)
Wesley kept pointing out a theme throughout the books of “Who are you.”
He was divorced already, I forget why, and had a son; but he told us that if he had it all to do over again, he probably would still marry his ex-wife.
I remember one day seeing a squirrel outside a window, and another day, a baby frog. Since we were in a basement room, the animals would be sitting on the ground above us, which seemed strange.
Wesley was a victim of the cryptosporidium epidemic which hit Milwaukee and, I believe, surrounding areas that year. He said that, as a single man, he ate out a lot, and one night at a restaurant, he drank far too much of the water which was set out before he got his meal. It made him very sick.
This parasite was a serious problem, and we were all worried it would come to Roanoke. It didn’t.
On the day we were to discuss Franz Kafka’s “Metamorphosis,” which I had read in German class back in high school, we walked into the classroom and Wesley wrote this quote on the board: “Sex with you is a Kafka-esque experience.” I believe it was a line from a Woody Allen movie.
Around February 27, we read Lysistrata, the ancient Greek play about the women of Athens stopping a war by refusing to have sex with their husbands. My classmates said there was no way the old men in charge of Roanoke would ever allow this play to be performed there.
We all laughed at this. (The irony of this was, only a year later, a play which was much, much worse really was performed there.)
We read Lolita around April 30, and saw the movie from 1962 in the Jubilee faculty lounge at 4pm on Thursday, May 6. (I also remember us watching Kenneth Brannagh’s excellent version of Henry V in that room.)
Domino’s Pizza had just mailed to everyone an announcement that they would deliver to Roanoke, so Wesley ordered some.
Since the movie was written by the author, Stanley Kubric, and had a slightly different treatment of the tale (for one thing, Lolita was as old as 16 in the movie), you had to both read the book and watch the movie to get the full experience.
The movie had nuances that only someone who read the book would appreciate, and the movie added jokes and things here and there.
This was the first time I ever allowed myself to admit, much less have, a crush on a teacher. I wanted to see what it was like, and figured there was no harm in it.
I wondered sometimes if he felt the same, but never said anything about it, never made any moves. After all, young and unmarried as he was, he was my teacher.
It was wisest not to get involved, since that could get us both into major trouble with the college. Another teacher was booted out that year because of an affair with a student; I didn’t want to see the same thing happen to Wesley.
Even now, I believe I did the right thing, and don’t (usually) feel like I missed out.
The irony is, one of my friends did indeed go on a few dates with Wesley, though I had no idea it was her for a couple of years. The rumor mill caught wind of it, but for some reason, he didn’t get booted out like the other teacher did.
From what she told me, I figured I was better off. When I heard of this from Pearl the following fall, I had no idea who the girl was.
I often talked to Wesley after class, especially about writing. He said that teachers talk about students, and when they found out I was in his class, they said, “She doesn’t talk much but when she does, she says good things.”
He said he would love to see some of my work, so in May I brought in some stories and a poem about the pump blowing up (more about that when the time comes).
He said, “Maybe we could go to the Student Union and get a Coke and talk these over.” (He often joked about how weird the college was for calling it the Campus Center instead of the Student Union like every other college supposedly did.)
He also gave me a copy of part of his novel-in-progress to read. I still have it. He said that readers kept saying the protagonist seemed numb.
He said, “Your writing is better than most undergraduate writing I’ve seen.”
I showed him a rewrite I’d just written of a story I wrote in high school, The Last Night. I feared it hadn’t gone well, but he loved it.
He said, “When I first began reading your pump poem, I thought, ‘Oh, no, don’t rhyme it!’ But the rhyme worked really well with the humor.”
He said I was good at dialogue, making it sound real, that I had a good ear for it.
He told me these things in his office, not in the Muskie or Pub, apparently completely forgetting his suggestion to go to the Muskie. He even left the door open. I didn’t say anything: He may have been worried about his job.
Frontiers of Space sounded like a fascinating course, especially after the fun I’d had in Astronomy class in high school. However, it was dull, dull, dull. (At least I got to keep the textbook this time.)
The teacher said he was an astronomer by profession, not a teacher–and, well, it showed. Even worse, the class was from 6 to 9:30 on Tuesday nights.
Clarissa taped the college drama Class of ’96 for me. (Ironically, the critics said this show was nothing like college–when I felt it was the closest to real college life of any show I’d ever seen.)
How did I get through the class? Christopher (a.k.a. Penisman) from Poetry class and two non-trad women sat behind me. Christopher kept making funny little comments and cracking up the three of us.
I doodled a lot, my usual pictures of women of various time periods and planets. One evening, a discussion of Nereid inspired me to write some sort of plot summary for a book based on my stories about the Solar System. (All the heavenly bodies were actually living beings with ethereal bodies; what we saw was the head. I would act out and sometimes write down the stories as a child. See here.)
One night, we all went outside Chase and looked through a telescope the teacher set up for us. I believe we saw Jupiter and about five moons. This was cool.
Also, on the way back to our room on the first floor of Chase, we passed a greenhouse room full of plants. I think the teacher joked (was he joking?) that there were man-eating plants in there.
We had to do presentations which involved models. For mine, I made planets out of the Play-Doh my Dad had once used to exercise his hand and arm after he broke his arm.
I spent a good amount of time trying to get them the proper size, and wondering how to show Jupiter and the Sun with what I had. After all, my materials were limited by what was available on campus.
The teacher graded every presentation harshly. Even Bill, a study-aholic with an impressive presentation, couldn’t get an A. He may have gotten a C. He was frustrated.
I don’t think my grade was better than a C. Everyone in the class complained to the teacher about it. I don’t remember if it made a difference, though.
The teacher showed us a videotape in class one evening. A friend had made it. This friend had spoken of selling it to PBS, but it had to be a certain length, and was longer.
It was a tape of the solar eclipse in Mexico in July of 1991, and showed not just the eclipse but the various types of people who were camped out in a field waiting for it to happen. It was fun to watch. In the summer of 1993, I found it on PBS one evening.
Introduction to Mass Media was taught by Bill, and a requirement for my Writing major. We met Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 12:45 to 1:50 in Old Main.
In this class, I learned why USA Today was “McPaper” (because it had snippets of information for the busy person to read instead of full news stories),
the history of radio and TV programming,
that TV programs and radio playlists were supposedly intended not to broadcast music and programs but to sell advertising,
and that the writer of our textbook loved alternative music and independent stations. These stations, such as college radio stations, didn’t have to follow some commercial idea of what was popular.
The writer didn’t like Top-40 stations for this reason, and because they filtered out quite a bit of new music into maybe 10 to 40 songs which got played all the time.
He loved Siouxsie and the Banshees (who, until I read this, I thought was a new band), the Sex Pistols, and the fact that MTV made bands like Duran Duran popular. (I already knew they made alternative bands like EMF and Jesus Jones popular, which, in the late 80s, was highly unusual.)
I also learned about Rush Limbaugh. Bill brought in a tape of one of his radio programs one day, and showed us how Rush would quickly talk down any dissenting opinions from his callers and get them off the air, while anyone who agreed with him could talk longer.
Rush was good at making sure his point of view got through and nobody else’s. I didn’t like this, though I admired his abilities. I wasn’t sure what to think of what Rush Limbaugh said, but I didn’t like how he said it.
One guy in the class, would take any chance he could to talk (in his fascinating Eastern accent) about Rush Limbaugh. It was Limbaugh this, Limbaugh that: he adored Limbaugh. It did get annoying after a while.
One day, Bill asked each of us what our favorite music was. I probably listed: hard rock, metal, dance, pop, alternative, Celtic, classical–whatever I felt like listening to at the time. Bill smiled and said my tastes were “eclectic.”
Bill loved the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes, and hated to see it end.
We listened to a chilling tape of the famous radio news broadcast of the Hindenberg crash. We also listened to Orson Welles’ infamous “War of the Worlds” broadcast.
The students each did a media presentation. Catherine did hers on the roleplaying game Dungeons and Dragons. She handed out copies of a few pages of Dragon Magazine and passed around a 100-sided die.
A Japanese girl brought in copies of a Japanese newspaper, like the ones you could find at the library’s circulation desk. I was shocked to turn to page 2–page 2! where everyone, including little kids, is likely to look!–and find ads for strippers in various stages of undress!
What kind of advertising is that for a respectable daily newspaper????!!!!! To my surprise, the “page 2 girl” is actually common.
My presentation, on alternative music, was on April 23. Here are my notes for it:
“Alternative music–what is it? How to define it?
“Alternative is a music style that can’t be defined. As MTV puts it, when the music stops changing, it’s no longer alternative. There are, however, a few common characteristics I’ve noticed: its difference from the mainstream, its content, and its oddballness.
“Content: death, love…
“Alternative stations are the place to go to see what’s probably going to be popular later on. For example, U2 and REM were first on alternative stations.” I first read about this in a teen magazine a few years before.
“Once the music listened to by the ‘scary’ people in your school” (that got me some chuckles); “now for anybody; I would listen to it sometimes on the Notre Dame station, late at night, back when I was an upperclassman in high school. It was weird, I thought. (Mention A.T.’s tapes in art class–other people’s comments.)”
This A.T., a “scary” person with a buzzcut, leather jacket and sullen attitude, brought alternative music tapes to be played in Art class senior year. The other kids ripped on it. For example, when A.T. played a tape of the Misfits, the other kids said they didn’t know how to play their instruments. I liked the music.
“I did like the alternative songs I heard on the regular Top-40 stations, but I didn’t really listen to it again until recently, when I discovered Alternative Nation on MTV, and some alternative stations along the way from South Bend to Milwaukee. I liked listening to it then because it was something different for the road, and they had some weird videos with weird music by weird bands on Alternative Nation.
“This music gives us something different to listen to, like when regular rock is boring or unimaginative.”
“Names: Butthole Surfers,” this one got me some grins, “Gin Blossoms, Belly, 10,000 Maniacs, Pearl Jam, Sun Scream, Siouxsie and the Banshees, The Non-Blondes, The Beloved, Green Jelly/Jello.”
Jell-O forced Green Jello, the band which did “Three Little Pigs,” to change their name because Jell-O didn’t like the association with their green Jell-O. So the name became Green Jellÿ, though it was supposed to be pronounced the same as Green Jello.
I also showed a videotape I made from MTV of various alternative songs. Since the whole thing would take too long, I showed the ends and beginnings of songs.
Bill was happy to see the acoustic trend, such as in the Belly song, something he hadn’t seen since his youth. These were the videos I showed: “Feed the Tree” by Belly, “The Right Decision” by Jesus Jones, “Love My Way” by Psychedelic Furs (which I thought was new; also, I loved the lead singer’s long nose), “Connected” by Stereo MC’s, and “Sleeping Satellite” by Tasmin Archer.
Someone complained, were they actually alternative, since he’d heard most of them on the regular Top-40 radio? But just because Top-40 picked them up and liked them, didn’t mean they weren’t alternative. The music landscape was changing; the following year, alternative would be big on Top-40 stations.
One girl did a video montage of the history of music videos. I wondered where she got all those video clips, all together in just the right order. You can’t just sit in front of MTV and do that, especially with videos that old, which rarely get played.
She mentioned the boring concert videos which filled MTV in 1985, and said MTV soon realized this needed to change. A clip of “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister excited giggles of nostalgia.
In various class discussions, students complained about pop music or Roanoke College life. Marc the Zeta said he turned the radio off a few years before and now only listened to the music he owned. This included Pink Floyd.
I didn’t think popular radio was quite that bad, not anymore. (In my opinion, popular music still had the occasional good song until the late 90s or turn of the century.)
Marc and others complained that college life at Roanoke was nothing like the kind their friends enjoyed at their colleges. They wanted to leave. There was too much apathy.
But I preferred Roanoke’s life to a place like UW-Madison, which everyone said was very liberal, had protests on various things, and was very P.C. (I was still very Republican in those days.)
I was sick of protests: anti-fur, PETA, abortion for and against, don’t eat meat, etc. etc. I only saw protests on TV. I wanted everyone to calm down, get along and treat everybody nicely.
At this point, the thing that mattered most to me was InterVarsity (IV). I wanted to help get the word out that we were on campus. I wanted IV to make a difference in people’s spiritual lives, and maybe even transform the spiritually dead atmosphere of the Christian campus.
I liked the quiet of the Roanoke campus, and had plenty of homework, TV, music, writing, reading, and socializing to do without campus events to fill my weekends.
Advanced Poetry, which combined Advanced and first-year students, met with Counselor Dude in room 24–yes, the Honors room again–of Old Main on Wednesdays and Fridays from 9:15 to 10:50am.
This was my only morning class, so this was probably when I started skipping breakfast and making lunch my breakfast, instead chewing gum to help me get through my one morning class. (I sure couldn’t do that now.)
I don’t remember how many of us were in it, but it couldn’t have been more than 20. Darryl and Julie were in there. One day, I signed Julie’s petition to get Latin taught at Roanoke.
I had always expected to learn Latin at college, thinking it was as much a part of college life as the food and fraternities. But RC didn’t have it, and even after the petition, didn’t offer it.
Having gotten over the whole Peter-poem thing and now wanting to write about other things, I wrote a bunch of poems which even Counselor Dude thought were much better.
He said that I had been the love-poem person the year before, but now another girl or two had taken over that distinction, complete with complaints about her ex.
Catherine and Zeta Marc were also there.
I had a hard time coming up with comments for poems. I didn’t like some of them, such as gross ones or sex poems, but that was all I knew–and I didn’t want to say that. I never read much poetry. I took the class for the credits.
Counselor Dude noticed I paid attention to sound. I probably did this because metaphors and images were harder for me to deal with. My poems also were easy to understand.
The Farrago staff specifically asked for my werewolf poem. That poem shocked people, and Julie said she did not expect it from me. So at least something good came out of that crap with Shawn!
Counselor Dude had me read the title to my “Ugh” poem, because he said only girls/women could say it in that particular way. This was that poem:
my room is warm.
The flies are awake,
filling my room,
buzzing on the walls,
I grab the flyswatter.
The war begins.
My other poems are too big to reproduce here. I wrote them in various genres: science fiction, gothic, fantasy, humor.
The Poetry final exam was actually an oral exam on 5/18. I don’t remember if we had a final class for everyone, or just did our exams individually in Counselor Dude’s office.
I do remember Counselor Dude telling me in his office that he hoped I would continue to write poetry. However, I never had a huge interest in poetry, so I would generally use it privately as a release of emotions I had no other outlet for.
I discovered in February that the leader of our S– Nazarene church wasn’t actually a pastor. He and his wife had full-time jobs, so trying to run the church was getting too taxing. They closed the metaphorical doors of that church, so that was the end of my churchgoing for a while.
Around this time, Shawn asked for a wakeup call. So I said, “This is your wake-up call, Shawn. Do not, I repeat, do not roll over and go back to sleep, or you will die a horrible death, suspended by a string and by your fingernails over a pool of piranhas.–And with your weight, the string will immediately break.”
…So he rolled over and went back to sleep. When I found out, I told him, “You know what I’m going to have to do to you now.” As he talked with Frank, I said to Shawn, “I guess I’ll have to take you down to the lagoon–as soon as I get a string and some piranhas.” He smiled, and Frank cracked up.
On the late night of the 6th, Shawn called me over to watch TV. We played with each other for a while, then were enflamed with passion and did all sorts of things we shouldn’t have, oughtn’t have done.
In fact, when I read what had been going through our heads for the past several weeks, and what all we did do, which did qualify as sexual relations, what astounds me is what we didn’t do that night: go all the way. I’m sure that one word from me, and it would have been done.
And our lives could have been irrevocably changed. According to my calendar, I was probably not fertile, but–Pregnancy, change in life plans, married to someone who wanted to change everything about me, him dealing with this and his brother’s illness/eventual death at the same time….
Or if not pregnancy, then would he have hated me afterwards? Or would he have fallen for me? Who knows. But if nothing else changed, then the end of the year still would have been that much harder to deal with. And, as you will see, it already became excruciatingly painful to part because of the things we did do, because of the contempt he felt for me because of them.
Eventually we fell asleep in each other’s arms, and it was sweet. But then he woke up around 5am, got angry with me for still being there, and unceremoniously tossed me out into the cold. I hoped he was just cranky from being tired.
There was no “talk” afterwards this time, however. In the days following, there was none of the usual tenseness when we saw each other around campus.
I felt good when he looked at me–which he did a lot–and his eyes showed so much tenderness, and some kind of love, though I wasn’t sure what kind. Then on the 8th, we sat across from each other in Bible Study. Not what you usually expect to be between two people sitting in Bible study….
Even Clarissa noticed something different about him. He seemed happy and hyper when in my view, but Clarissa saw him walking with his head down a little. She thought she saw something there that she didn’t see before.
He sat at my table a lot and also gave me little things, like red-hot candies or a certain picture. I thought that, for sure, he must be in love with me now.
On Valentine’s Day, we were together in his room. As we made out I thought he really meant it this time, that we were finally a “couple.” But then, while I was still basking in the glow of my happiness, he told me he wasn’t attracted to me and I wasn’t what he was looking for, though he didn’t know what that was. (Flashback to Ned and Catherine!)
This got me so upset that I decided to start seeing the campus counselor, someone older whom I could talk to.
Monday of the next week was intense. The thing I did not want him to do to me during the scary scold session in January, he did now, suddenly and forcefully from what I recall, taking away my innocence and filling me with thoughts I could barely control.
(Not what is clinically called “coitus,” but another thing which I do not want to name on the Internet.) And even though he himself had similar thoughts and told me about them, he judged me for mine when I confessed them to him.
My diary entries for late February and mid-March show that I felt as if demons had taken hold of my thoughts. After Bible study one night, I confessed them to Pearl. We prayed about it, and I confessed my thoughts to Shawn. As if I’d snapped my fingers, the darkness flew away.
But this was the last time Shawn and I did anything physical for a while, to help me get those thoughts out of my head. Sometimes we did spend time together and talk on the phone, but he started sitting elsewhere at meals.
People got mad at him for not being nice to me, but I didn’t agree and was indignant at them (probably Stockholm Syndrome). He didn’t understand why they thought that. For example, one of my friends was mad at him, and he complained to me about it. I referred to this at a meal one day, so she got mad at him again for not keeping her opinion between them.
I first met with the school counselor on February 23.
After Shawn had pulled so much crap with me over the past few months as a sexual user:
He played with my head and my body,
took my innocence and led me into sexual experiences that I should not have done and convinced me they were not sinful and then spoke to me like I was a slut,
asked or begged me to do things that were consensual and enjoyable but then scolded me for doing them and made me feel like he was just doing it to humor me,
insisted or even coerced me into some things so I had to stop him or felt I could not stop him,
wanted to coerce me into more,
lusted after me and said he had fantasies about me yet told me he was not attracted to me,
led me on and tore me down over and over again–
So I became a wreck, and decided that only a counselor could help me get my life back together now.
Things he had said about me, and things he would say later on (in March, which I address in this paragraph, too), haunted me for years, even though all my friends and my counselor assured me they were not true.
I could not understand why he would accuse me of them. They became some of the main bases for me to consider NVLD as a possibility, because those very things were listed as signs and misunderstandings of people with NVLD.
Such as, people with NVLD/Asperger’s are very concerned with accuracy, which sometimes exasperates others, makes them think we have to be right, when no, we just want to be helpful and keep you out of error.
We don’t understand why this upsets others, and become mystified when they get angry and accuse us of having to be right. We think, Don’t you want to be accurate?
It’s also an introvert thing, since I have to think before I speak, and oftentimes need far more time to prepare a response than I get. So I’ll think of something later on and say it.
To me this is perfectly valid, but apparently extroverts get annoyed by it at times. But extroverts need to deal with it, because otherwise we introverts aren’t capable of giving them the responses and ideas they want.
It was one of the many things Shawn said he hated, that I took too long to respond to his questions. But this was nothing I could help, and he needed to be more accommodating and patient.
Or, as Pearl did say, the time I didn’t ask Sharon how she was doing after her cousin died, but this was not because I didn’t care or was selfish (I did very much care about my friends and how they were feeling), but because I missed the social cues and did not realize I was supposed to say anything. Until Pearl said something, I had no clue I had even offended Sharon!
I tried so hard to be nice and sweet to people, but again and again I’d be misunderstood and accused of things that were not in my mind; Shawn did plenty of this. NVLD/Asperger’s explains why on earth people would think such things of me, and also why I had so much trouble understanding these social cues that others know instinctively.
The constant criticisms from Shawn haunted me years later when another best friend, Richard, did the same thing to me, telling me everything I did was wrong in some way, from what food I ate to how I socialized.
And I would have no way of knowing for sure if I was really as bad as these critics made me sound, or if there was something in them that made them find fault in others to an excessive, abusive degree.
Starting in January 1993, as I have shown, and continuing through May 1993, as I will show, I witnessed various outbursts from Shawn which scared or upset me greatly. He increasingly said hurtful things.
I also noted during that time that he even criticized how I kissed him (while Peter said I was a great kisser, an expert, told Phil this, and Phil agreed); I wrote that if he didn’t like it, then teach me how to do it better, don’t cut me down.
There were also things related to his Winterim class which were serious and which I have not described, that caused him stress.
It’s also very possible that his brother’s health was deteriorating. Could Shawn have been heading to another nervous breakdown and taking me along with his precarious mental state?
It was possible, especially with what happened in May 1993, and how it affected him. But I had no way of knowing with my limited knowledge, could only think he was doing these things on purpose to hurt me.
I see from my day planner that I planned to ask the counselor the question, What in the world is making me depressed all the time?! Shawn might say I wanted to be, but no, it was because of what was going on in my life freshman and sophomore year.
I had six counseling sessions free before my parents would have to pay for it, so I decided to take advantage of this. It seems we only had 20 minutes to talk on the 23rd, but she called me that night to talk some more.
The first little session took care of things like insurance and stuff, and didn’t get into what I really wanted to talk about. So on the phone, I told her my problems: the Shawn situation, as I called it, and the Peter situation.
She asked how often I thought of Peter still, and I said at least once a day. She said that was a lot and we’d have to talk about that, too–but I neglected to say that I thought about him that often because I was praying for him every night. These prayers were for his soul, not for our old relationship.
The counselor kept talking about shyness and how to break free of it, but this wasn’t my problem. I kept trying to get the discussion back to the situation with Shawn.
All sorts of Christian denominations, from Orthodoxy to Baptist, say that Christians should only marry Christians. Youth advisers naturally extended that to serious dating, and sometimes even casual dating. The counselor said that part of my problem may have been that I didn’t have much of a pool to choose from (something I, ironically, had tried to avoid by going to a Christian college).
She didn’t suggest I change my beliefs; rather, she looked through the phone book and suggested some churches I could try going to. However, they sounded very different from my own church, such as Baptist and Dutch Reformed. S– doesn’t have a huge variety of churches, such as you might find in South Bend.
Though at times I wondered if they helped at all, in the end (April 6) I decided these counseling sessions had done me a world of good. More on this later.
One day, I told Shawn that Peter never said anything to me, not even hi.
Shawn said, “Maybe he’s waiting for you to say it.”
That shocked me, since I had tried to start up a friendship with Peter a couple of times already, only to be spurned. But I tried it anyway.
On the 19th, I saw us about to pass each other outside. I didn’t know if I could do it, if he’d hear me, or if he’d even answer, but I looked back as we passed, and said hi.
For a moment I expected nothing, but then I heard, “Hi.” Another time, he even said, “Hey, how ya doin’?”
On snow days (and on days when the water went out), paper cups, bowls, plates and utensils were used. The RA’s helped in Food Service because the cooks and other non-student workers couldn’t make it to the campus.
On one snow day, Rachel helped us clean up in Food Service. She stood next to me and said,
“Some people think you’ve gained some weight, but I don’t think so.”
“Nope,” I said, tugging on the leg of my pants. I had been wearing them since I came to Roanoke; they now billowed around me. Roanoke had made me 120 pounds, the perfect weight for a small-boned woman of barely 5’5.
I had no idea Rachel was testing me out. I later discovered that, because I wrote a poem about a pregnant girl and usually wrote about my own life, people thought I was pregnant by Shawn.
Despite the things we did do, Shawn and I had done nothing to cause pregnancy, so it was funny. And here I’d been afraid people would think my poem was about another girl on campus, who really was pregnant.
A Zulu dance group, Shikisha, performed in the Bradley in February. They did African dances and original songs. The first hour was just Shikisha (3 women) and their male drummer.
After the intermission, a rock band, with black members from such places as France, the U.S. and Nigeria, joined them, and we got a rock concert for 1 1/2 to 2 hours.
I got so caught up in it that I felt sorry for people who didn’t come, and I had to get a tape of them. I kept thinking of the PBS miniseries Shaka Zulu, especially with the way they were dressed.
Afterwards, I found Anna, Latosha and an exchange student from Nigeria. Latosha wanted a tape for, as she called it, “my kid.” That’s when Latosha told me she was pregnant by E—, the guy who had caused her so much grief freshman year. I said I wanted a tape, but they’d already cleared them away.
Latosha said, “We can go backstage and get one.”
She led us back, and we got to meet all the performers–once they were dressed in normal clothes. I got a tape, and the drummer said, “Don’t you want any more, for your family?”
“I can’t afford it,” I said.
“She can dub it,” Latosha said.
“Ohhh!” he said.
We met the three dancers a few minutes later, and they autographed our tapes. We talked with them for a while, and found out the youngest one, who looked 12, was 19.
One dancer had a shirt in the first act that was cut differently from those of the other dancers; it kept slipping dangerously during the dances. (They dressed in traditional Zulu clothes, so she didn’t wear a bra.) Anna or Latosha said she was quick about pushing it back up.
The oldest dancer had long hair, maybe waist-length, put in tiny braids. The youngest one asked for our names and made a little song out of them.
On the 27th, Shawn and I visited a student from Cambodia, S–, to play with his Sega. Shawn and I beat up street thugs for a while, then S– and I watched Shawn get beat up by a gorilla in “Spiderman.” Shawn insisted he used to be good at it.
Then he showed me Sonic The Hedgehog 2. I did terribly at it, during a race against Shawn, since I had never played the game before. “Two-year-olds play this better than you!” he said. (I was playing with dolls at two.)
But, hey, I’ve never been adept at video games. I think the whole coordination thing gets me, probably because of NVLD.
So obviously Shawn and I were still hanging out from time to time, still friends, despite everything. I also wrote a long list of things to talk to him about, probably to do what we originally were going to do–back away from the physical and learn more about each other as people, not lovers.
Sometime that semester, the women of the campus were shaken up by stories of a rapist loose in S–. Cindy said her mom saw him in the laundromat late one night, that he knew her and was after her for some reason. I think he had kind of a Hitler-look, maybe with his hair.
There were rumors of him being spotted on campus, based on people seeing a guy who looked like him but was just some innocent husband of a non-trad. He never actually did step foot on our campus, as far as we knew.
But the fear of him inspired warnings that we women shouldn’t go anywhere alone at night, and I would have Clarissa go with me just to do my laundry at night.
This may have been when the dorms were now locked up at all times, accessible only by key, meaning that I could no longer go from the suites to Krueger’s side door to get snacks or see people whenever I wanted to.
Mom had always worried that I would get raped at college, so I never did tell her about this rapist. I told Dad, but with strict orders not to tell Mom or else she would be a nervous wreck.
I found a rapist warning in the school paper for April 30, and I don’t believe I found one any earlier. But I keep thinking it was in February. The May 7 paper explains that a “suspect,” though heavier and with glasses, in the rape cases was confronted in the Roanoke College library on May 5; this is probably the guy who was just somebody’s innocent husband.
Table of Contents
December 1991: Ride the Greyhound
January 1992: Dealing with a Breakup with Probable NVLD
March 1992: Shawn: Just Friends or Dating?
April 1992: Pledging, Prayer Group–and Peter’s Smear Campaign
October 1992–Shawn’s Exasperating Ambivalence:
Summer 1993: Music, Storm and Prophetic Dreams
- Classmate a stand-in for “Rudy”; Jigging at College Dance
- Library Tales
- Happiness Returns
- Living with Friends in Krueger
- Funny Library Stories
- Shawn Calls
- Psycho Roommates and Bug Wars
- Return of Rick
- Adjusting to New Dorm
- Spitball-Throwing Teacher
- Rat-Obsessed Teacher and Doctor Zhivago
- A Teacher Dated a Student; InterVarsity Fun
- Charlie Peacock Concert
- Random Stories
- Letter to Shawn
- Erotic Vampire Dream (Inspiration for Alexander Boa)
- I Ask Out James
- Peter Calls!
- The Fateful First Meeting of Phil
- The Birth of Dolphin Philosophy
- Our Group of Friends Splits Apart
- Spring Classes
- Big Red Flag: Phil’s Dysfunctional Family Life
- The Drunken Stork (Phil’s Controlling Nature Manifests)
- Idealizing Phase and Early Sign of Control
- Phil Tries to Control my Friendships, Unfair Accusations from his Dad and Brother
- Phil Gaslights Me with Fake Dreams, Ridicule and Psychological Abuse
- Another Pre-Engagement
June 1994–Bits of Abuse Here and There:
- The Abuse Worsens in the Summer of Hell
- Phil rapes me anally
- Phil tries to control me through refusing everything I want–even proper hygiene
- Phil’s cruel hoax on me: his “subconscious” coming out to be with me
- Phil’s “subconscious” explains why he’s coming out to talk to me
- The lies unravel as Phil admits to conning me; also, fright as my periods turn wacky
- How Phil’s behavior fit the signs of abuse
- Phil Mindscrews Me: changes history, blames me for things that were not my fault, treats me like an idiot during games
- Phil says if he abuses me, it takes two people to sign the divorce papers
- Pearl reveals that Phil is costing me social invitations
- Hints that Phil is checking out of the marriage
September 1994–Divorce: The Long, Dark, Painful Tunnel:
- Phil picks fights and avoids responsibilities to make me feel like a shrew
- My husband Phil, Dave and Pearl call me a party pooper for getting a Grade II concussion
- I’m ecstatic to be back with my friends (the ones Phil hates); I meet Charles
- Phil vanishes without a word of why
- Phil wants a divorce
- My friends tells me that Phil is controlling and possessive
- My first Pentecostal church service: They speak in tongues
- Phil refuses to accept responsibility for the divorce
- Phil cuts off contact
- Attack of Phil’s Flying Monkey and Sycophant: Dirk
- Phil the narcissist admits to manipulating people and using them as pawns in his game with me
- Phil comes crawling back to me–and we put our marriage on paper
- Phil demands my complete submission and forces me into oral sex–and my will is broken, for fear he’ll divorce me again
- Phil walks away from me again–because I dare to have my own mind, opinions and needs–and because he’s a sociopath
- Fierce anger against Phil and PTSD from the abuse
- My friends tell me Phil is psychotic
- “Soul Ties”
- I return Phil’s things and he skewers me; consolation from friends
- My letter to Phil
- Phil shows my letter to his friends; I’m triggered by reminder of forced oral sex
- I start dating Charles
- Friends tell me Phil is controlling
- I feel stalked by Phil
- Poem about being stalked by Phil
- Fury at Phil stalking me and rubbing my face in his new relationship
- A Date with the Vampire
- Celtic Class: Knotwork, Tin Whistles, SCA–and Drinking from a Skull
- The Teddy-O Incident; Birth of These Memoirs
- We Hook Up to the Internet–and Shawn Fixates on My Sex Life
- New Guy Begging at My Feet
- Life on TCB
- Meeting Cugan (Hubby)
- Learning my ex Peter was a love-fraud; New Men
- Before Tracy, There Was the Avenger (Sociopathic Female Bullies Pt 1)
- Torn between three men as Catherine pushes me toward Cugan
- The Love Rectangle
- Torn between FIVE men! Me?
- Persephone’s Own Outrageous Stories of Phil’s Abuse
- College-style living
- Online Shenanigans
- Phil Finds TCB; Meeting a Hit Man
- Gypsy’s Party: Healed friendship with Peter
- The Avenger Starts a Flame War (Sociopathic Female Bullies Pt 2)
- Meeting the elusive Speaker
- First Date with Future Hubby Cugan
- On Breaking Up with Kindness
- Loony Roommies and Flying Gargoyles
- The Goddess of Pleasure and Salt
- A Conversation with Oscar Wilde
- My First SCA Event
- Cugan: a vast improvement over Phil
- Easter with Cugan’s family and SCA
- Cugan breaks up with me
- After breakup: Phil’s return and trolls
- Cugan comes back
- SCA hippies; college senioritis: anxiety!
- Or should I move back in with my parents?
- Peace with Phil
- Defending my Thesis; Graduating with Honors
- Graduation: Trapped at school
- Epilogue and Apology from Phil