Ever since early February–yes, the very beginning of our relationship–Phil pretended to talk and move in his sleep, making me think he was dreaming when he was actually conscious the whole time. He did this with all sorts of “dreams.”
It is well known that people sometimes sleepwalk, talk and/or act out dreams in their sleep, and I saw Peter act out dreams a few times. One of Cugan’s college friends once took on too many activities at Gen-Con, the gamer’s convention; he finally collapsed into his seat at a Dr. Who roleplaying game. He dozed off, then woke again to hear, “You won!” He had sleeptalked through the whole game, doing voices and accents and cracking jokes so well that no one had a clue he was asleep.
With my NVLD, I didn’t realize Phil was playing a hoax. With my trusting nature, and being in a relationship based on trust, I never imagined how well an actor can act when deceiving his own girlfriend, fiancée or wife, the one he claims to love. I never realized that he was Lovelace to my Clarissa.
I have rarely mentioned this to anyone before, because it was so humiliating. Putting it here on the Web is to finally release it, and put it where it can help others recognize the tactics of abusers.
(Also, I would love for Dirk to find it and realize he was the pawn of a manipulative abuser. Though that probably will not happen, because Phil has no idea this blog exists, and I do not use real names.)
As I described before, in February, Phil pretended to go into a dream state, and then said, “Your purpose is–to destroy me!” I was horrified that he would say such a thing, whether in a dream or awake.
Over the summer, while his conscious self became more and more controlling and manipulative, his so-called dreaming self was the same kind, gentle spirit I had fallen in love with, telling me this was all a “test” to see if I’d stick around. Naturally, I began to prefer the dreaming self. The most elaborate hoax was played from July 19 to August 11–almost a month:
On Tuesday, July 19 at 7 in the morning, I wrote in my diary,
The oddest thing just happened to me. [We were sleeping in the guest bedroom when] Phil’s subconscious “awoke” twice while he slept, and talked with me. After the first time, when Phil woke up, I despaired of hearing the rest of a sentence he’d been saying, but later on “he” came back out and restated his sentence.
Then we had a long talk about many things the subconscious knew that Phil (who he referred to in the third person) did not. Two of the most important things were:
His conscious believes he first fell in love with me that night we had our long talk about him and Tracy, and then stayed overnight in [a Phi-Delt’s] room, and also that he only liked Pearl as a friend when he first met me. But his subconscious knows that he did like Pearl romantically, and that he knew it was either me or Pearl.
And most importantly, he fell in love with me soon after he first laid eyes on me–truly love at first sight. I guess it does exist, after all. His conscious mind first knew he loved me when we went on our very first date, but convinced himself it wasn’t until the night of our talk/sleepover.
The second most important thing is, his conscious mind doesn’t know the biggest reason why we keep arguing so much and worse. He thinks it’s hard day taken out on me, being mad at me, being mad that I’m not making sense–but that’s all he knows. His subconscious knows he’s testing me–making sure we’re right for each other and that I can put up with him.
On Saturday, 7/23 at 1:43pm (yes, pm), I wrote,
He came out again just now, while Phil was sleeping. Phil had been dreaming about me and keeping me awake for the past hour with his gropings and pullings, etc., when he asked me to kiss him. He asked me to make love to him (yes, we are married, common law–if we’d not been married, Phil and his subconscious tell me, Phil would’ve hated me for taking away his virginity). I said, “You’re asleep.” He said, “No, I’m not. I’m subconscious. You wanted me to come out again.”
He thinks he comes out when Phil kisses me with his eyes closed, but that happens a lot, so obviously that’s not the whole reason. I kept asking him questions…. Here’s what he told me:
First, that he–the subconscious–has wanted me from the first time he laid eyes on me. That he knew I wanted him–not a psychic thing, but a subconscious one. He saw my “aura”–that told him things about me, that I was a virgin and not a slut, that I was a good person–and that I would be good in bed. Hmm! I was also, he said, more desirable than anyone else in the room.
He didn’t want to tell me more, because he could go on for days! The main reason for his attraction was the way I looked, he said.
….I asked him if he was the superego, or what part of the subconscious he was. “I am the subconscious,” he said. “Superego and id?” I said. “In Freudian terms,” he said.
“Was Freud right?” I said.
“On some points,” he said.
“Is the id really that bad?”
“Don’t talk,” he said, “just experience.” Even though he didn’t know if Phil would stay asleep or wake up afterwards. He woke up, to my disappointment because I had more questions, and he didn’t want to hear what his subconscious had told me. He started reading my diary over my shoulder after I wrote “First,” but then he went downstairs to work on a Dungeons & Dragons character.
My men–first Peter, now Phil–sure have a way of keeping it interesting for me!–2:03pm
–3:30pm Oh, yeah: This is definitely a unique experience. When Phil’s talked in his sleep before, it’s been Phil asleep. His subconscious says that he’s never done this before, talk to people like he does to me, and he doesn’t know why he’s doing it now.
Maybe I could tell some of the less-private things, things about the subconscious itself, to Sharon, my psychology-major friend and, now, roommate. [Around this time, I did tell my old roommate Clarissa in a letter, telling her not to tell anyone else because they’d think I was gullible–but she did tell Sharon.]–3:23pm
–8:26pm “He” came out again….I’ve heard of joining body and soul, but this–would it really fit to say it’s “ridiculous”? I don’t know what to think about it; it’s all so weird.
He told me his purpose in coming is to make love to me….[Earlier Phil] said he “must sleep now.” I asked him why; no answer. I tugged on his ear and said, “Phil’s subconscious! Why?” He answered then, and told me his purpose in being out. He kept telling me…that I want him more than Phil’s conscious–“I’m more intriguing to you,” he said….
I asked him who he was, based on the division of body, soul and spirit. I told him Pat Robertson’s description of it, that the spirit is what God talks to and the source of the psi function, and that the soul is the mind. At least, I think that’s roughly how P.R. put it. Maybe psi is in the soul, not the spirit.
But whichever way it is, the subconscious said he’s the part that knows more than Phil-conscious knows, and only tells him what he needs to know without being overwhelmed. I think he said he remembers things but I’m not sure now. He said he’s part of the mind. So I guess he’s part of the soul.
…He said we’re meant for each other. I said, “You mean, me and you and Phil, or just me and you?” He said, me and him. “This is getting spooky,” I said.
“How?” he said.
“For one thing, how do you come out? Why did you?”
“I come out because you want me to. You wanted me to come out.”
“I was curious if I could get you to come out. I kissed Phil with his eyes closed. How’d you know I wanted you out?”
Somehow, he knows. Can he see or feel what my subconscious knows? Things I don’t necessarily know? (Oh, yeah…He said I’ll never know how many times he’s been out.) [Either he didn’t answer or I didn’t write it down.]
“Is it wrong for me to want you more?…I mean, you are Phil, after all….”
“What do you want me to say, that it is? Then you wouldn’t want me anymore. I couldn’t come out anymore.”
“This is spooky. How can the subconscious do something like this? How can it ‘come out’?”
“Magic? What kind of magic?”
“Fate. A miracle. Don’t question it. We were meant for each other.”
…How in the world is this whole thing possible? Sometimes I wonder if Phil’s just playing a trick on me. Or going nuts. Or if it’s not really Phil or his subconscious speaking to me through his mouth. [I probably meant demon possession.]
I said, “Why doesn’t he want me to tell him what you say?”
He said, “He doesn’t want it from you. He wants it from me.”
“Will he read it in my diary?”
“What does he expect to find?”
“He wants to understand himself.”
“Have you told me anything he doesn’t already know?”
“Should I write down what you’re telling me now?” (meaning, all I have written in this entry so far)
“That’s up to you.”
“What’ll he do if he reads it?”
“I don’t even know that.”
So there you have it, what he told me. I have so many questions for him….Am I right or wrong to keep wanting him out? He is Phil, after all. I love all of him, conscious and subconscious.
Table of Contents
December 1991: Ride the Greyhound
January 1992: Dealing with a Breakup with Probable NVLD
March 1992: Shawn: Just Friends or Dating?
April 1992: Pledging, Prayer Group–and Peter’s Smear Campaign
October 1992–Shawn’s Exasperating Ambivalence:
Summer 1993: Music, Storm and Prophetic Dreams
- Classmate a stand-in for “Rudy”; Jigging at College Dance
- Library Tales
- Happiness Returns
- Living with Friends in Krueger
- Funny Library Stories
- Shawn Calls
- Psycho Roommates and Bug Wars
- Return of Rick
- Adjusting to New Dorm
- Spitball-Throwing Teacher
- Rat-Obsessed Teacher and Doctor Zhivago
- A Teacher Dated a Student; InterVarsity Fun
- Charlie Peacock Concert
- Random Stories
- Letter to Shawn
- Erotic Vampire Dream (Inspiration for Alexander Boa)
- I Ask Out James
- Peter Calls!
- The Fateful First Meeting of Phil
- The Birth of Dolphin Philosophy
- Our Group of Friends Splits Apart
- Spring Classes
- Big Red Flag: Phil’s Dysfunctional Family Life
- The Drunken Stork (Phil’s Controlling Nature Manifests)
- Idealizing Phase and Early Sign of Control
- Phil Tries to Control my Friendships, Unfair Accusations from his Dad and Brother
- Phil Gaslights Me with Fake Dreams, Ridicule and Psychological Abuse
- Another Pre-Engagement
June 1994–Bits of Abuse Here and There:
- The Abuse Worsens in the Summer of Hell
- Phil rapes me anally
- Phil tries to control me through refusing everything I want–even proper hygiene
- Phil’s cruel hoax on me: his “subconscious” coming out to be with me
- Phil’s “subconscious” explains why he’s coming out to talk to me
- The lies unravel as Phil admits to conning me; also, fright as my periods turn wacky
- How Phil’s behavior fit the signs of abuse
- Phil Mindscrews Me: changes history, blames me for things that were not my fault, treats me like an idiot during games
- Phil says if he abuses me, it takes two people to sign the divorce papers
- Pearl reveals that Phil is costing me social invitations
- Hints that Phil is checking out of the marriage
September 1994–Divorce: The Long, Dark, Painful Tunnel:
- Phil picks fights and avoids responsibilities to make me feel like a shrew
- My husband Phil, Dave and Pearl call me a party pooper for getting a Grade II concussion
- I’m ecstatic to be back with my friends (the ones Phil hates); I meet Charles
- Phil vanishes without a word of why
- Phil wants a divorce
- My friends tells me that Phil is controlling and possessive
- My first Pentecostal church service: They speak in tongues
- Phil refuses to accept responsibility for the divorce
- Phil cuts off contact
- Attack of Phil’s Flying Monkey and Sycophant: Dirk
- Phil the narcissist admits to manipulating people and using them as pawns in his game with me
- Phil comes crawling back to me–and we put our marriage on paper
- Phil demands my complete submission and forces me into oral sex–and my will is broken, for fear he’ll divorce me again
- Phil walks away from me again–because I dare to have my own mind, opinions and needs–and because he’s a sociopath
- Fierce anger against Phil and PTSD from the abuse
- My friends tell me Phil is psychotic
- “Soul Ties”
- I return Phil’s things and he skewers me; consolation from friends
- My letter to Phil
- Phil shows my letter to his friends; I’m triggered by reminder of forced oral sex
- I start dating Charles
- Friends tell me Phil is controlling
- I feel stalked by Phil
- Poem about being stalked by Phil
- Fury at Phil stalking me and rubbing my face in his new relationship
- A Date with the Vampire
- Celtic Class: Knotwork, Tin Whistles, SCA–and Drinking from a Skull
- The Teddy-O Incident; Birth of These Memoirs
- We Hook Up to the Internet–and Shawn Fixates on My Sex Life
- New Guy Begging at My Feet
- Life on TCB
- Meeting Cugan (Hubby)
- Learning my ex Peter was a love-fraud; New Men
- Before Tracy, There Was the Avenger (Sociopathic Female Bullies Pt 1)
- Torn between three men as Catherine pushes me toward Cugan
- The Love Rectangle
- Torn between FIVE men! Me?
- Persephone’s Own Outrageous Stories of Phil’s Abuse
- College-style living
- Online Shenanigans
- Phil Finds TCB; Meeting a Hit Man
- Gypsy’s Party: Healed friendship with Peter
- The Avenger Starts a Flame War (Sociopathic Female Bullies Pt 2)
- Meeting the elusive Speaker
- First Date with Future Hubby Cugan
- On Breaking Up with Kindness
- Loony Roommies and Flying Gargoyles
- The Goddess of Pleasure and Salt
- A Conversation with Oscar Wilde
- My First SCA Event
- Cugan: a vast improvement over Phil
- Easter with Cugan’s family and SCA
- Cugan breaks up with me
- After breakup: Phil’s return and trolls
- Cugan comes back
- SCA hippies; college senioritis: anxiety!
- Or should I move back in with my parents?
- Peace with Phil
- Defending my Thesis; Graduating with Honors
- Graduation: Trapped at school
- Epilogue and Apology from Phil