Poem about being stalked by Phil–College Memoirs: Life At Roanoke–October 1994, Part 10
Sometime during the month of October, Pearl, Sharon, Tara, probably Astrid, Mike, and I went to a Halloween party at Tanya’s house.
This Tanya was a Christian, sweet, outgoing, and–as Sharon put it–one of the cool people. She occasionally came to InterVarsity. I’ve mentioned her before, along with her boyfriend Matt; they had been in Sophomore Honors with us.
I didn’t get a written invitation–my friends were allowed to bring me along as their guest–so I don’t have a record of the exact date.
I dressed up like a gypsy again, as similar to my junior year costume as it could be.
Cindy’s friend Rick was there. He was the one who promised to call me sophomore year, then never called me, basically standing me up when we were supposed to have a date. Then I saw him again early junior year at a dance.
Tara dressed as Death. She put white makeup all over her face and black stuff in her hair, and wore a black dress. We loved it.
I think Charles was at the party, too, and I know Cindy, probably her boyfriend Luke, and Jennifer were there. Jason may have been there with Jennifer, but I don’t remember. Ralph Z. may have also been there.
The party mainly took up three rooms in the big farmhouse, with three different things going on, whatever you wished. You could watch movies or play games, whichever room suited your fancy. It was a great set-up, very well planned. There were lots of people, but it didn’t seem crowded. There was food, too, and a scavenger hunt. (No alcohol.)
Tanya’s house was in the country outside of K–, and it was a beautiful–though cold–starry night. Tara, Sharon and I grouped together with Pearl, and took turns pushing her wheelchair. Pearl usually used a scooter, but since her surgery, she needed a wheelchair.
We went around on the family farm and to another farmhouse, looking for clues. At the other farmhouse, an elderly couple waited for us in Halloween masks in their indoor porch. They gave us candy and another clue.
We had to find one clue around the back, at a door at the back of the house leading to a closet or shed downstairs. We had some trouble finding what we were looking for there.
Later on, I ended up in a room in which some people (some I knew, some I didn’t) sat in a circle and played a game. I don’t remember what it was, exactly, but I think it was like Taboo.
I sat next to a cute guy in the crowded room. He paid some small attention to me, which I liked, and I may have made one or two funny remarks to him. I wanted to stick around longer, but the game was about over. He was just what I liked–tall, long nose, skinny. He was kind of a blond Phil.
With me, both blonds and brunets could be cute, though I seemed drawn to brunets most of all. I saw this guy later on at various places around the school, such as the library. I had a tiny crush on him because he was cute, but it never went anywhere because I didn’t know him.
I decided to be nice to Rick again. I had figured, junior year, that it would pour coals of fire over his head to be so nice after he stood me up. I wondered if he remembered me, though. One of my friends thought he must have; how could he have forgotten? In any case, by being nice I wouldn’t make a scene, and if he asked me out again, I would calmly say no.
At the party, he played Trivial Pursuit in the dining room with Tanya and Matt and a few others for some time, while I was with my friends in the living room. At one point, we in the living room played Taboo.
Later on, several of us were in the kitchen, and I stood next to Rick and others by a counter. I sometimes felt or saw his eyes on me during the evening, looking me over. But I said nothing to him and acted like nothing had ever happened.
He ended up marrying his girlfriend; I don’t know if he was with her at this time, since they broke up on occasion. And yeah, he remembered me, even asked Catherine about me when he saw her years later.
On October 30, some of us went to a party thrown by Astrid. We first went to Astrid’s UCC church, a one-room affair except for the little foyer (though it may have had classrooms downstairs). This church looked like a miniature cathedral.
Then we went to Astrid’s house. I believe it was near West Bend, close to Kettle Moraine State Park, and in Washington County, a nearby county but a long drive from Roanoke.
Outside was a dog and an A-framed playhouse, which was neat. Lunch was good, and I even tried a few different cheeses from the spread. One had dill pickle in it.
Later on, after eating lunch and watching ZTV, a Christian music video station, on the satellite TV (and Pearl saying, if she had ZTV, she’d watch it all the time), it was time to leave.
This may have been the time Pearl and I ended up in the Beechwood school. We sat in the pre-school or daycare room and smiled as Astrid and her mother entertained the kids.
On the way back to Roanoke, I composed a poem in my head. I later wrote it and additional verses in my diary. It gets harsh at times, but I put it here because it shows the often losing struggle with anger I had in my heart, and because people might identify with it. It also shows just how dark this time was for me:
I pushed away the pain
And it worked for a while
But it came back again
And won’t be denied this time
I try to push it back away
Try to kill it
Try to stab its night into day
But it’s made of bullet-lead
Die, the source of my pain
The one who gave in to the lie
–But I can’t think that way
Watch your heart, watch your thoughts
If you give in to hate
As Ahab hunted Moby Dick
I hunt my pain
This hatred makes me sick
Fills my stomach with bile
Leave me with peace and love
Pain, how is it you can’t see
What your greeting does?
Why I greet you not,
Why I pass you by?
Why my anger is hot
And you see only a scowl?
God, take this thorn
From my side!
I’m wretched and forlorn
And on insanity’s edge
Help me, help me
Lest I perish
From time’s oppression
In October, the American Lit class read Moby Dick. Catherine had hated it when she took the class. But Dr. Nelson let us skip the “whale lore” chapters so we read the actual story.
The sexual innuendoes were surprising: Ishmael and Queequeg in bed at the beginning, Queequeg putting his arm around Ishmael, everyone squeezing out the sperm (oil) and having a wonderful time….
I read that the author was gay, so it’s possible he actually meant it that way.
Cast of Characters (Work in Progress)
Table of Contents
- Meet the Suite
- Meeting Shawn–and a Ninja
- Campus Stories, Wisconsin, Campus Radio Station
- Campus, People, First College Boyfriend
- Dating a Ninja
December 1991: Ride the Greyhound
January 1992: Dealing with a Breakup with Probable NVLD
March 1992: Shawn: Just Friends or Dating?
April 1992: Pledging, Prayer Group–and Peter’s Smear Campaign
October 1992–Shawn’s Exasperating Ambivalence:
Summer 1993: Music, Storm and Prophetic Dreams
- Classmate a stand-in for “Rudy”; Jigging at College Dance
- Library Tales
- Happiness Returns
- Living with Friends in Krueger
- Funny Library Stories
- Shawn Calls
- Psycho Roommates and Bug Wars
- Return of Rick
- Adjusting to New Dorm
- Spitball-Throwing Teacher
- Rat-Obsessed Teacher and Doctor Zhivago
- A Teacher Dated a Student; InterVarsity Fun
- Charlie Peacock Concert
- Random Stories
- Letter to Shawn
- Erotic Vampire Dream (Inspiration for Alexander Boa)
- I Ask Out James
- Peter Calls!
- The Fateful First Meeting of Phil
- The Birth of Dolphin Philosophy
- Our Group of Friends Splits Apart
- Spring Classes
- Big Red Flag: Phil’s Dysfunctional Family Life
- The Drunken Stork (Phil’s Controlling Nature Manifests)
- Idealizing Phase and Early Sign of Control
- Phil Tries to Control my Friendships, Unfair Accusations from his Dad and Brother
- Phil Gaslights Me with Fake Dreams, Ridicule and Psychological Abuse
- Another Pre-Engagement
June 1994–Bits of Abuse Here and There:
- The Abuse Worsens in the Summer of Hell
- Phil rapes me anally
- Phil tries to control me through refusing everything I want–even proper hygiene
- Phil’s cruel hoax on me: his “subconscious” coming out to be with me
- Phil’s “subconscious” explains why he’s coming out to talk to me
- The lies unravel as Phil admits to conning me; also, fright as my periods turn wacky
- How Phil’s behavior fit the signs of abuse
- Phil Mindscrews Me: changes history, blames me for things that were not my fault, treats me like an idiot during games
- Phil says if he abuses me, it takes two people to sign the divorce papers
- Pearl reveals that Phil is costing me social invitations
- Hints that Phil is checking out of the marriage
September 1994–Divorce: The Long, Dark, Painful Tunnel:
- Phil picks fights and avoids responsibilities to make me feel like a shrew
- My husband Phil, Dave and Pearl call me a party pooper for getting a Grade II concussion
- I’m ecstatic to be back with my friends (the ones Phil hates); I meet Charles
- Phil vanishes without a word of why
- Phil wants a divorce
- My friends tells me that Phil is controlling and possessive
- My first Pentecostal church service: They speak in tongues
- Phil refuses to accept responsibility for the divorce
- Phil cuts off contact
- Attack of Phil’s Flying Monkey and Sycophant: Dirk
- Phil the narcissist admits to manipulating people and using them as pawns in his game with me
- Phil comes crawling back to me–and we put our marriage on paper
- Phil demands my complete submission and forces me into oral sex–and my will is broken, for fear he’ll divorce me again
- Phil walks away from me again–because I dare to have my own mind, opinions and needs–and because he’s a sociopath
- Fierce anger against Phil and PTSD from the abuse
- My friends tell me Phil is psychotic
- “Soul Ties”
- I return Phil’s things and he skewers me; consolation from friends
- My letter to Phil
- Phil shows my letter to his friends; I’m triggered by reminder of forced oral sex
- I start dating Charles
- Friends tell me Phil is controlling
- I feel stalked by Phil
- Poem about being stalked by Phil
- Fury at Phil stalking me and rubbing my face in his new relationship
- A Date with the Vampire
- Celtic Class: Knotwork, Tin Whistles, SCA–and Drinking from a Skull
- The Teddy-O Incident; Birth of These Memoirs
- We Hook Up to the Internet–and Shawn Fixates on My Sex Life
- New Guy Begging at My Feet
- Life on TCB
- Meeting Cugan (Hubby)
- Learning my ex Peter was a love-fraud; New Men
- Before Tracy, There Was the Avenger (Sociopathic Female Bullies Pt 1)
- Torn between three men as Catherine pushes me toward Cugan
- The Love Rectangle
- Torn between FIVE men! Me?
- Persephone’s Own Outrageous Stories of Phil’s Abuse
- College-style living
- Online Shenanigans
- Phil Finds TCB; Meeting a Hit Man
- Gypsy’s Party: Healed friendship with Peter
- The Avenger Starts a Flame War (Sociopathic Female Bullies Pt 2)
- Meeting the elusive Speaker
- First Date with Future Hubby Cugan
- On Breaking Up with Kindness
- Loony Roommies and Flying Gargoyles
- The Goddess of Pleasure and Salt
- A Conversation with Oscar Wilde
- My First SCA Event
- Cugan: a vast improvement over Phil
- Easter with Cugan’s family and SCA
- Cugan breaks up with me
- After breakup: Phil’s return and trolls
- Cugan comes back
- SCA hippies; college senioritis: anxiety!
- Or should I move back in with my parents?
- Peace with Phil
- Defending my Thesis; Graduating with Honors
- Graduation: Trapped at school
- Epilogue and Apology from Phil