Statcounter constantly reveals interest in various sections of my “Now I’m Being Stalked” series from 2012.
Then in 2014, I re-visited the e-mail with Running my abusers’ e-mail through the narc decoder.
The latest numbers, gathered about a month ago, showed that this series had received 528 views.
And these posts are being read. “Running” has received 33 hits just in the last month. The various parts of “Stalked” have received 43 total in the last month.
Recently, Part 2 and “Running” have been getting more attention. Someone in Canada has read “Running” 13 times over the past few days. And now Part 2 has been pinned:
Gratitude Girl has pinned my post, just before 6am this morning her time, onto the Psych/Narcissism/Sociopathy/Abuse/Codependency board on Pinterest. (She also pinned Breaking the Power of Narcissists.)
She runs the board; it has 407 followers. Here’s hoping this pin helps the post go viral, just as a post to a Facebook group last spring made this post go viral: Wasted Years Mourning a Narcissist: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves and Thriving
[Update 4/4/15: And now somebody read “Stalked” (whole page) and “Running,” and subscribed to my blog. 🙂 )
My blog just contains diary posts, not the “expert” advice of life coaches or psychiatrists. These detail my struggles and the lessons I learn from them.
Yet so many people are connecting with various posts, whether on narcissism or abuse, that I continually see yet another Facebook share in Statcounter, or a reblog.
It felt so risky to post on these subjects–especially when my two recent abusers discovered them and began stalking me for it. It felt risky to continue posting even as they watched my blog every week–sometimes more often–to intimidate me into silence.
I didn’t know if they were laughing, if they were looking for a reason to sue, or what they wanted.
It was risky, intimidating, frightening, foolhardy.
But I did it anyway, to prove to myself that I wasn’t just some weak-willed, easily-dominated target of bullies.
And over time, my blog has grown. My site currently averages 148 views a day and is maybe two months away from 100,000 views. Others have found comfort and lessons in my posts. Comments are often turned off, but I see it in repeat visitors, likes, printing my posts, subscriptions, and online shares.
It is particularly comforting to see this in the past week, right after I revised the formatting for the “Stalked” posts and sticky-posted a few of them on my front page for a bit. Part 2 includes the sociopathic e-mail.
It is comforting to see others read Part 2 or “Running,” because they, too, see this e-mail for themselves. They then read my response, and find something of value in it for their own struggles with abusers. I see people click on the link that prints the post.
Just as it was comforting to share that e-mail with the members of the Forum, and know they understand and believe me. And now, in the past month, new members of the Forum have gone through the 3-year-old threads, read the e-mail and empathized with me, then asked me if things were resolved, and if Richard was properly punished, because child abuse is disgusting.
Just writing these blog posts, and including the sociopathic e-mail from my abusers, was emotionally taxing, because the e-mail meant to rip me apart.
It made me practically catatonic when it first came in. I was appalled and devastated to discover just how evil both Richard and Tracy truly are, to send such an e-mail and to even plan to stalk me at church! To call themselves Christians, and then behave in such a manner–!!!!
The e-mail is so horrid (and proves me correct even while objecting to making Tracy out to be a “horrible person”) that I could not even open the original “Stalked” post again for two years.
The same as other e-mails sent by Tracy back in July and August 2010, which I kept as evidence, but have not even peeked at in five years.
Tracy’s style of writing would be familiar to many of you: the kind that tears you apart and makes you afraid to even open an e-mail from your abuser.
(Obviously, Tracy does not feel this way when reading my blog, since she reads here so often.)
When I read Oscar Wilde’s account of Bosie’s telegrams and letters in De Profundis, I realized that Bosie and his father were male Tracys.
Bosie and his father both had a raging dysfunction which Wilde said ran in the family, so it must have been some sort of Cluster B personality disorder.
From what I know of Tracy, abuse, narcissism, borderline personality disorder, and Bosie’s family, writing such horrid letters appears to be a common trait among abusers.
There is absolutely no concern for nor respect for the recipient, but rather a desire to make him or her feel smaller than a dust mite, to make her feel like the slime on the wall of a sewer pipe.
And it makes no difference whether the recipient did anything to deserve this: No, all that matters to the abuser is that the abuser THINKS he did. Wilde would get such letters and telegrams from Bosie without rhyme nor reason to it.
So it was emotionally risky to open those posts again in order to revise them. But I did it anyway.
It is wonderful and healing to see that my pain in doing this, is helping others to heal.
It was worthwhile not only to share those blog posts and the e-mail, but to keep them up. Sometimes it takes a while, but others find them and use them to glean their own lessons. They find validation for their own struggles. They find a way to no longer care when their own abusers send them e-mails like mine sent me.
Then, sometimes, they share with others.
It’s all part of raising awareness and helping to heal abuse victims.
[Update 4/5/15:] Also, the more I see people subscribing to my blog and connecting with the posts that skewer my abusers’ sociopathic e-mail to me, the less and less power that sociopathic e-mail retains over me. I realize that my abusers have not been back at my church for two and a half years.
I realize that I feel mostly content these days, because I’m busy at church and Writer’s Club, and people in both places call me Friend. This helps remove any residual emotional attachment to Richard.
My abusers do not have the ability to sue, no legal leg to stand on, so their e-mail had only an emotional power to hurt me. Once I remove the emotional power, all their power to hurt me is gone.