Why I post my abuse experiences
I post My Journey Through Recovery from Abuse, or the process of my journey from a recent, traumatic bullying experience, through the anger and pain, hopefully to rise above it through writing therapy.
I post college memoirs of how I’ve handled abuse/bullying in the past and risen above it.
Some things I write may reveal that I’m not blameless, but if I were, I wouldn’t be human. Sometimes I won’t recognize my own blame, while readers might. I am limited by my own perspective. But it’s important that the story be truthful, not whitewashing. Whitewashing would hurt my credibility. It also won’t help other victims of abuse who struggle with feeling they brought on the abuse.
I DO NOT NAME MY ABUSERS ON THE INTERNET. That information is reserved for friends and family (and people in authority if needed).
The names used here are false. I do not give addresses or post pictures of my abusers. So revenge is out of the question.
This isn’t about holding onto pain or a “pity party.” I don’t sit around all day brooding over how I’ve been treated in the long-past.
This was about analyzing what happened, fighting to understand, so that I could recognize patterns, weaknesses, and what could have driven my abusers to act in such a manner (without blaming myself, as they wanted to do).
One purpose of writing this was to get out all those feelings of anger, sadness and depression, to pull myself out of that deep funk–
–so that I could function again, enjoy life, pursue my dreams and interests, and have energy to give to others.
The blog is a journal to hold all those negative feelings so that my “real life” can be content–and so I have the strength to deal with what else comes my way each day.
In fact, most of the time, whatever incident you read about in these blogs, I barely think about anymore in my “real life.” But I put it here not just to vent it out and heal, but to help others, as I explain below.
My own purposes in writing this have been fulfilled. I continue to share this journal with you, my readers, to help you reach that stage of healing and contentment as well.
You can see every stage of my confusion, anger and grief, as I keep it up for you, along with how the abusers were able to entrap and keep me in their webs. Through this, you can recognize your own experiences, and know that others have been there–yet survived.
I post my abuse experiences to help others recognize how abusers operate–and get out of that relationship. I also post to validate and comfort other abuse victims, show them they are not crazy, that this happens to others.
I also post because two of my abusers have been keeping close watch on this blog since May 2012, and I want to prove to them (and myself) that they cannot intimidate and threaten me into silence–as I hope that maybe something I write will finally get through to them.
This is a safe way for me to confront them with what they have done, so that I can one day forgive them.
Abusers fear exposure, which is why they tried to threaten me into silence. Oddly enough, by keeping up this blog despite threats, I seem to be keeping the abusers at bay. Maybe because they know if they do anything else, I will post it–and that I am not afraid to go to authority figures for help.
I also post because I’ve been through some wacky and unbelievable stuff in my life, but it’s all true, it all really happened to me. So I post it because I’m a born writer who just HAS to tell a good, wacky or tragic story when I have one. Otherwise my writing would all be just boring, meaningless drivel.
I also post to raise awareness and understanding of abuse and how it affects people with social learning disorders (Asperger’s, NVLD).
I am joining the worldwide conversation on abuse. I want the full accounts of my experiences to stay up even as the years pass, to help others have a more complete picture of just how abusers and narcissists act and how their targets react.
[written 2014: ] I am stickying old posts to breathe new life into them, something bloggers often struggle with, especially old posts from before they got readers.
I am also revising a web-book (The Darkness Engulfs Me: Abuse by Two Narcissists–and Betrayal by a Best Friend and Spiritual Mentor) which I wrote from 2010-2012, and posting it here, to get more readers. I’m also revising and posting my College Memoirs web-book, for the same reason. These are, or include, stories of abuse and bullying.
In both web-books, since I wrote them about and/or during emotional periods in my life, there are passages which reflect this emotion.
But rather than take out all my anger, grief, etc., I will often keep those passages the way they are–even if I have long since moved past those emotions.
I believe this will connect more with my readers, especially those who are still in the midst of such emotions in their own struggles.
These web-books are for you my readers, after all, who can glean comfort, validation and lessons from my own struggles. You can identify my mistakes (even the ones I don’t recognize myself) and avoid them; you can realize you are not alone. And, well, the college memoirs aren’t just about grief, but about fun times, too. 😀
I’m posting them quickly, though they are long and there are many, because I want to get them OUT of my system for good. From the movie “The Help”:
God says we need to love our enemies. It hard to do. But it can start by telling the truth. No one had ever asked me what it feel like to be me. Once I told the truth about that, I felt free.
And I got to thinking about all the people I know. And the things I seen and done. My boy Trelaw always said we gonna have a writer in the family one day. I guess it’s gonna be me.