Here is a good blog post by Invicta Ma. Some quotes:
2. Observe and Trust Your Gut
Distinguish between what is feeling in yourself and your gut instinct, and switch to trusting your gut. You are in poor physical and emotional and mental health because you are struggling to understand behaviour that on the surface contradicts the words.
Never listen to words. Observe the behaviour. It is by behaviour that we really know people. Words are just a con job.
You are worn out and sick because your psyche and body are telling you there is something terribly wrong when there is an illusion of everything being right (because s/he tells you so) and this is a very hard thing to accept.
If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Be a scientist. Silently observe what is really happening.
This fits with Richard: the constant feeling that something was wrong, something I could not put my finger on, even though he kept telling me things were fine and I was just paranoid.
5. Protect Your Assets.
If need be, squirrel away money. They will bleed you dry. Protect anything that is precious to you. If you think about being fair and noble, you might be left destitute.
I really should’ve done this, rather than giving so much money and other stuff to Richard/Tracy. But I thought it was my “Christian duty” to do so.
6. Silence is Golden
It is natural to want to share yourself with your soulmate. But you do not have a soulmate; you have a narcissist pretending to be a soulmate.
Resist the temptation to tell them everything you think and feel. You cannot move them. They will use it against you. The more open you are, the more artillery they have. They love for you to share.
If you need to say anything, either dissemble or be vague or neutral or change the subject. Everyone has ways to withhold, so use your particular way to protect yourself.
Definitely. Richard got me to trust him and open up to him, but it began to bite me in the butt over time.
More good stuff in that blog post, to help with healing.
Also see Narcissistic Curtain Calls by Elise Stuart:
So – here you are. ….. You didn’t purchase tickets to this event; you didn’t even order season passes but once again you have been subjected to another performance of Devalue and Discard by the Narcissist.
…You say to yourself, ”I have been abused by the Narcissist for the last time!”
Right now you are raw with emotions. Your thoughts may not even be clear enough at this point to be glad that the relationship is over. You may be thinking of ways to “fix” the situation, to “fix” him…you may be ready to go groveling back to him.
Please don’t do it. It will only give him more opportunities to devalue you. You will make it easy for him, requiring little or no energy on his part. I speak from experience, because I tried it.
That’s why I will say again, “Don’t do it.” The sadistic delight you will see on the Narcissist’s face will be evident while you try to make everything right…..because everything about the Narcissist is wrong.
…While a part of you is dying to get the N back in your life, another part of you, perhaps your subconscious, is more grateful than you will ever possibly know that he’s gone.
I called this point of time in my recovery ”Missing Pretend Guy.” It’s not original. It’s a phrase and thoughts from an individual named Alexandra Nouri.
You have started start to move on, making connections with others who have been through similar circumstances. Those connections will be a blessing to you. Trust me. You’ve figured out what the N is…and more importantly, what he isn’t…and you have begun the slow healing process.
You cautiously believe that he is gone from your life for good. Reaching this point of acceptance has taken a long time. Some days, you might even feel “normal.” Then, out of the blue….or more appropriately black….here he comes again…and you are hit with his one two punch of D & D.
I call this “Narcissistic Curtain Calls.” Just when you think he’s gone he appears at the side of the stage to take another bow….or give another blow to your fragile self esteem. ”Hoovering” is a similar phrase, but when he’s “Hoovering” he’s trying to get back into your favor, for a time. Don’t worry, his nice behavior won’t last long.
…We know that generally speaking, it is the N who does the abandoning, not the supply/victim. The N must be careful in the beginning of the ‘relationship’ to have you reeled in before beginning the D&D. In the beginning the N will make you feel like you are the best thing since sliced bread…with or without the peanut butter.
…The N idealizes his victim…for a while. He brings out the best in his target. He mirrors our good qualities back to us…I think the reason we think he is so fabulous…is because he is mirroring us! We are seeing ourselves…Hey, what’s not to like? The qualities we are seeing displayed…are us! These character traits are sadly lacking in the N.
Just like Richard.
…And so much more good stuff is in that article, but I can’t quote it, because of copyright. 😛 Be sure to read it!