Sure there are narcissists and abusers who slip undetected under everyone’s radar screen, until one day the victim speaks up. But a good many are openly nasty, so much so that anyone can see it. And I’ve noticed that such people bring social results on themselves, as one by one, the people around them go away.
A few examples from my own life:
There is, of course, Tracy, who abused me, along with her husband and children. I don’t know how many friends she’s lost, or who have broken off relations with her husband because of her, but I do know of several.
I have heard how these people now refer to her. I have seen firsthand as she chased off a friend. I was not the first, nor will I probably be the last.
Wherever she goes, whatever she does, how she treats people will lead to her losing friends and gaining enemies.
Also, her husband, who helped her bully me and was also emotionally abusive of me himself, eventually was convicted of choking one of his children. So the law finally caught up with their abuses.
Then there is “The Avenger” (also see here), another Tracy type, whom I met on a BBS back in college. She had a group of worshippers, but there was also a large amount of BBSers who wanted nothing to do with her. She brought that on herself by being a bully.
Then there is my aunt by marriage. She, another Tracy type, would verbally abuse her mother (I saw this happen when I was 10), and had a sharp tongue for anybody and everybody.
She and my dad argued about religion and other things at every single holiday gathering.
I don’t know how my uncle has put up with her for so long. She, living nearby, made my grandmother’s final years a misery–“destroyed her,” as my mother put it–then cut off relations with my grandmother.
Didn’t come to the funeral, didn’t make up with her at all, didn’t care. My grandmother apparently had dementia, but my aunt didn’t seem to care how this would affect my grandmother’s actions.
This is one case of no-contact where you can easily say the one who cut off relations was the abuser, not the other way around.
My aunt recently accused my dad of molesting me, but with absolutely no grounds other than my shy, quiet, probably NVLD temperament.
A few years ago, my mother found a relative she did not know existed, who also knows my aunt. According to the relative, my aunt has alienated everyone.
My ex Phil alienated all my friends by treating me like a child and trying to control me. They saw it, so they began to distance themselves from him–which led to him telling me I should stick up for him against them.
After the breakup, even acquaintances I did not tell about his emotional abuse, wanted to “warn” the next girlfriend. When he and she broke up finally, she realized just how dysfunctional the relationship was when her friends began “throwing other guys” at her.
He had trouble getting other girlfriends. When he finally found another girlfriend, a transfer student now in my group of friends, they would leave them sitting alone together–same as they did when he was with me. Acquaintances, friends, all hated him even when I didn’t tell them a word about the abuse.
Back in 1999, my SCA group’s web master made our new website into a platform for his religious views and a campaign he began waging against us.
We objected to the modern religious elements of the website, because we’re supposed to be a neutral, non-religious group, and this website would make our friends/church members think we were Pagans. But instead of listening to our concerns, he accused us of bullying him and dug in his heels.
Um, it’s not YOUR site, it’s OURS. Do whatever you want on your own site, but this represents our group.
He slandered and, right there on the website, libeled our group, including my husband. He accused us of things we didn’t do, and twisted what really happened to make us look bad. His slander was wide-ranging.
Off-site, he also looked for opportunities to get on his soapbox and harangue against Christianity, no matter what the event. We were just trying to enjoy an SCA event, but he would try to get us into an argument about how horrible our entire religion is.
He was ostracized from the group, but that wasn’t the end. Years later, I did a Google search to see if his webpage against Christianity was still up. I discovered that he often got into wars with people or organizations.
Then one day, a Sheboygan friend from the SCA group informed us that he had been charged with taking sexy pictures of teenage girls. He went to jail for this, and now has to register as a sex offender.
In Googling for more information on the charges, I discovered a Sheboygan forum full of members who hated him! They had whole threads diving into his criminal record and demonstrating why he was so widely hated. These people had nothing to do with the SCA group.
So if your abuser is visibly abusive, there’s a good chance they will ostracize themselves. People like this make many enemies throughout life. Your story will only confirm what people already know.
You’ll note that my website does not use real names of any of my abusers. My friends and family know who they are, but I don’t tell the world. No, let “karma” take care of them.