Richard and/or Tracy were here.

I don’t know why they came here or what they wanted to get out of it, but my bullies (at least one of them) have now seen and read nearly everything I posted about them.

I have no idea if they plan on doing anything about it.  It’s a waiting game, wondering what they’re going to do, if anything.

I saw every page they read in my three trackers.  The referring URL shows that they first came here by clicking on my blog name in a friend’s blogroll.  But why did they do that, when they haven’t even been to my blog in the past two or three years?

I didn’t shut anything down, as hope springs eternal that somewhere in their hearts is a willingness to understand me now…. I suppose it’s too much to ask.  But you never know.

Why were they so interested?  I just don’t know….Their curiosity means they now know probably more than they wanted to know…yet they just kept reading.

I know I don’t like to read unpleasant things about myself, so why did they keep reading everything, sometimes two or three times, sometimes more than that?

The only blogs I’m aware of for them have been inactive for three years, but if I knew of an active one, I certainly would not visit it.  I don’t check Richard’s Twitter, don’t wish to read his Facebook wall.

So why did they come to my blog in the first place?  Does it give them the jollies to read about my hurt and pain regarding them?

But I’m not sorry for blogging about this.  The bullied need to speak out more, make our voices heard, break the silence and become survivors instead of victims.

And even though I did not blog intending for them to read it, this “accident” gave me the chance to finally confront them and vindicate myself with the truth, something I felt I could not do (except maybe in a letter sent posthumously).

I did not want a dialogue with them, did not want to send them a letter and find myself hit with Tracy’s fury, had read about how dangerous it can be to confront an abuser, so I felt my hands were tied.

I certainly did not want to mention the narcissism or BPD to them, because that, also, can be dangerous.

Them finding this blog was an accident I did not intend.  But I did not mention my blog anymore on Facebook, and the mutual friend did not appear to be reading my blog anymore, so I figured the chances of Richard or Tracy returning to it again were remote….

Whether it will make any difference in how they treat me, I have no clue.  But at least it’s done.  I can be at peace now…or soon.

I think about shutting down the blogs, but I don’t want their presence here to intimidate me into silence.  Their abuses and bullying were real, as was their attempt to silence me before (“Don’t go crying to Jeff about this, because we don’t need the headache”).  No, no, the bullies can’t win this time.  I have to fight back.

[Update 2/13/14:] It amazes me now that I even thought about shutting down the blog.  But then I thought, “It’s my blog; I’ll do what I want!”

Where would I be without this blog now?  All my angst has been poured into this blog and taken out of the rest of my life.  I no longer feel the need to talk about it to friends/husband all the time.  I no longer feel sad or scared or unable to move on.  I only rarely miss Richard.

Now I’m just revising my web-book and posting it here, rarely needing to write anything new on the subject.  I’m basically taking what I already wrote, and making it better, easier to digest, and more visible to fellow sufferers; it’s not about processing current grief/anger anymore.

And I see in my stats that other people connect with it, and are finding help here.  I want to get through the web-book as soon as possible so I can move on to some new topic, some new novel perhaps, or revising old stories for publication.

I no longer fear seeing my blog stalker Tracy in my stats all the time; rather, I just chuckle.